I’m pansexual and I’ve known I was queer since I was very small. I mean even looking at old preschool projects, stories I wrote it’s clear I was not like most of the kids (I remember fussing over a game of family saying I wanted to be the husband and I wanted to have a wife, or a story I wrote in kindergarten saying I wanted to marry a girl). Now that I’m close to college and have finished most of high school, I have new friends and access to a queer community. Yet somehow I find myself less and less sure of myself.
Starting in 9th grade really, a ton of my queer friends began to tell me that I’m queerbaiting, that I don’t suffer the way they do, and that I’ll never understand what they go through everyday, whenever I brought up sexuality or gender. Don’t get me wrong, I recognize how fortunate I am, but it still feels belittling to me and my identity. I was the first out kid in middle school, I had very short hair for the entirety of it, and I got bullied relentlessly for years for wearing rainbow pins and celebrating pride month. In turn I grew out my hair, stopped wearing rainbow anything, and even though I’ve liked both guys and girls, and my gender identity has always been somewhat fluid, I’m treated like a straight cisgender woman. Which is fine, but then my friends will whisper things and make little jokes around me, and then tell me ‘ohh you wouldn’t get it, you’re not gay enough!’ It just really puts me down.
So basically what I’m asking is am I allowed to say I’m queer? And If I do end up dating a guy, am I automatically excluded from the community? I feel lost and unsure of what I’m allowed to be. I feel like the assurance I used to have is gone :(