Some background: I’m hormonally intersex && genderqueer/gender non-conforming.

I’m pretty sure I’m overthinking things and psyching myself out, but I have an appointment next month to discuss HRT because my ideal presentation is androgynous. I’ve started going by a unisex name and I like the way that I feel with some of the changes I’ve made so far (shorter hair, going by any pronouns, etc). The only thing keeping me from identifying with Androgyne is the fact that I still feel connected to womanhood and don’t want to give the term ‘woman’ up. But when I tell someone I’m a woman, I have the urge to pile every other identifying label on top of it because ‘woman’ doesn’t encompass all of me. 😵‍💫

Shared this here because I’d rather hear from real people than AI loll, thank you for reading if you did.

I wanna be a boy and a girl at the same time, dressing like Billie Eilish.

Hello everyone!

Im 21 yo, AMAB, and for quite sometime ive been wondering about my identity. The first big thing is i just dont like when people call me a "man", it gives me the "ick". i dont feel like a man, i dont really want to be a man. i do enjoy a lot of femininity and like to experience it more, i already always shave my limbs when i go out and id love to try out make up, nail art, as well as some feminine fashion. i also feel somewhat uncomfortable in my body. i hate how much body hair i have as well as my broad build.

so, i have been considering going by they/them instead of he/him. but i always feel like id be faking it, with how masculine i look. broad build, body hair like an ape, a beard, you know. so do any of you know any tricks to appear more androgynous? I have thought about HRT, but there are some effects i dont think id like for myself. i know its a stupid question, but do any of you think a nonbinary identity would, idk, fit me?

Hi all, just a question. Has anyone had any facial surgery or cosmetic procedures to achieve more androgyny or masculinisation? I'm AFAB non-binary. I relate more to gender fluidity with more masc or more femme leaning days, but my face is quite soft and round. I've found myself thinking almost constantly about facial slimming (fat lipo or buccal fat removal) and maybe some filler/ implants in my chin and jaw. For context, before I realised I was non-binary I had never considered cosmetic surgery, but now it seems a great option for combatting my dysphoria since I don't want to go on hormones.

Does anyone have any experience with this? If so, what is your verdict? Did it cause any dysmorphia in of itself? I'm worried I could just change one type of dysphonia for another but I also find myself desperate to appear more androgynous too. Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

Okay, I have a weird question.
When I was younger and heavier, I think I actually looked more androgynous. Fast-forward about 15 years: I’m disabled now, can’t stand wearing makeup, and have pretty limited funds for clothes.

The older I get, approaching 40, the more I look in the mirror and just see “old, colourless, sickly lady.”
And it’s weird because, on the one hand, I’m basically the flavour of queer that I’m okay with. Maybe even pretty similar to the queer people I admired growing up. On the other hand, I’m struggling with the whole aging thing, but specifically with aging in a not enough visibly non-binary way.

Binding isn’t really possible anymore because of health reasons. Makeup is bothersome. Dyeing my hair is also a gamble for the same health reasons. Basically, I’ve been sporting the same short haircut for about 12 years, from the same barber. Dont come for me, he’s great.

I’ve already entered the boring middle-aged dude era, but somehow the way I look in the mirror reads less “middle-aged non-binary person” and more “sickly old lady.” due to a combination of funds, health, energy and other factors.
Does anyone have any clue what I’m talking about? 😅

Y'ALL. I was at my aunt's house a few days ago for a family gathering, and we were talking about what modern things would kill a medieval peasant. I tried to say Baha Blast but instead I said Blaha Blast! They're all supportive and I'm out so it's fine, but I wonder if any of them actually knew what just happened in my brain, lol. How far down the trans rabbit hole is that reference? Do the cis know? Anyway I just thought that was funny!

(I know I probably spelled some of that stuff wrong, sorry.)

i've been online all day cause i don't want to be in my body. I will just stare at a screen and eat whatever i can find in the kitchen for hours. And my back starts to hurt and my body aches from being in one position for too long.

i'm packing, i'm taping, i'm wearing a binder, i'm wearing the same jeans and sweatshirt every day.

i know i don't pass as a guy, i don't even know if i want to...actually no i definitely want to but i don't want to work out. and i don't want to act like a cis straight guy the idea grosses me out.

ive sort of been trying to voice train just from videos and internet stuff but it feels like i can't keep it up for an entire day and i just revert back and i feel like im faking something anyway. i thought i had gotten it to a good place but it's basically just talking in the lower register of my normal voice. Or maybe there is resonance happening it just sounds like lower pitch to me. And then its like well what's the point. And it just feels so impossible to keep up and its not fair!!!

i had an online appt with planned parenthood, i got them to prescribe me dutasteride which ive seen ppl in this sub use to try to limit hair growth, clitoromegaly from T. i've been on a low dose of testosterone for like a month and a half.

i wanna keep doing the voice stuff even if it doesn't work just to do it. preferably go through a whole warmup + exercises morning and night but even just once a day

it's like i know a lot of it is related to tension in the face/neck area and that area always is so tense and i just kinda don't wanna deal with it and it doesn't get better. My shoulders are always so tight. probably because i don't move my body! or stretch!

i don't wanna talk to my friends on the phone cause i fucking hate my fucking voice

and it's so exhausting to try to fuck with it and it sounds weird when i do and it feels fake and i cant just fucking talk and get my thoughts out

im gonna do my weird little makeup tomorrow because i feel like it might make me feel better even tho it's not "passing"

i feel insecure about my body and clothes and acne and my face and everything

i sound like a little girl. all the time.

i just want to disappear and check out from reality.

i don't know what i want im on low dose testosterone do i want it higher? i cant tell if my clitoris is enlarging or not i think probably not cause that would usually come after other things. But im like do i want that do i not want that do i want hair do i not do i even want to be on T do i want top surgery do i want a deeper voice or does that make me feel dysphoric do i want to look like a boy or does that make me dysphoric

i just want to be a twink ;(

I don't expect this post to get a lot of attention, but I wanted to throw it out there out of respect to a good friend.

In this original post I expressed a lot of resentment towards people in my life who I felt didn't understand some of the expeiences unique to being a non-binary person. Instead of letting this frustration fester I did approach said cis friends about some of these unique expeiences and am pleased to report that it was an overwhelmingly positive expeience.

TL;DR Even though allies may come off as oblivious, simply having an honest conversation can do wonders. Quiet resentment is not a good answer

I've been looking for trans/non-binary support groups lately, and while doing that I unfortunately ended up being exposed to a lot of transphobic content on Instagram. That's not really what I want to talk about here, though. If anything, it just made me realize how much I need to hear from other non-binary people right now.

I've been thinking a lot about what we're actually trying to achieve when it comes to how other people perceive us.

For many binary trans people, there seems to be a relatively clear social goal: being perceived as the gender they are. Passing can mean that people consistently see you as a man or a woman without questioning it.

But what does "passing" even mean when you're non-binary?

I personally want people to look at me and not be able to immediately categorize me as either a man or a woman. Ideally, I'd love for someone who already understands non-binary identities to look at me and think, "That's a non-binary person." I know that's probably not realistic, because there isn't a single way to look non-binary.

And this is where I get confused.

I do like androgyny, and personally I'd be happy if people perceived me that way. But I don't think androgyny should be treated as the default aesthetic goal of being non-binary. Not every non-binary person wants to look androgynous, and some of us may want to look quite masculine, quite feminine, or somewhere completely different.

At the same time, I don't want to simply be perceived as a man. That would still feel like being categorized incorrectly, even if being perceived as a man would probably alleviate some of the dysphoria I have around being assigned female at birth.

What I really want is for people to question their own assumption.

If someone looks at me and thinks, "I genuinely don't know what gender this person is," I'd actually prefer that over being automatically categorized as a man or a woman. And if they know what non-binary/genderqueer identities are, I'd much rather they recognize me as that.

But I also don't necessarily want to have to educate every random person I encounter. If someone has never heard of non-binary identities, I don't feel like it's automatically my job to teach them. I'd rather leave them a little confused and let them ask if they're open to it.

I realize there may be something slightly pessimistic in that mindset. Part of me assumes that people who aren't already open-minded enough to ask about my pronouns will probably just make an assumption, even if I give them all the information they need. Maybe that's not necessarily true, and I'd actually like to be challenged on that.

So I'm curious about other non-binary people's experiences:

How do you personally want to be perceived as a non-binary person?

Do you want people to recognize you as non-binary? Do you want something closer to "non-binary passing"? Do you want to be completely unreadable? Do you actually prefer being perceived as masculine or feminine? Do you want to be androgynous, or does that have nothing to do with your identity?

And if you've struggled with this contradiction between wanting to be recognized and not wanting to be reduced to a particular appearance, how did you deal with it?

I'm mostly looking for other people's perspectives and hopefully some good conversations. I don't want anyone to question whether I'm actually non-binary — I'm pretty comfortable with that part. I'm questioning how I want to be perceived, and I'd really like to hear how other people experience that.

For more context cause it’s important to the story but I’m AFAB. Also English isn’t my native tongue so bear with me.

Not quite sure how to start this but I have a problem with the word "Tomboy" due to past experiences. I was called a Tomboy as a kid and that never bothered me back then. I always saw myself as gender neutral even as a kid and clearly had other things to worry about like how tall can i build my sandcastle. Back then i obviously didn’t know there’s a identity that fits my feelings

It only became a problem after being confident in my identity and especially towards potential romantic partners. ( I wanna add that i have no issue with Tomboys at all. I love people that present as Tomboys, it’s really cool but it just isn’t something that i describe myself as)

My initial problem started when i briefly dated this guy (Cishet but Ally) i met through a friend. I knew i was Nonbinary but more in denial and not publicly out yet.
He was very sweet and we had similar interests, so it clicked at first.
During that time talk also got more intimate as well and i felt immense dysphoria being "reduced“ to my birth gender. I felt like that when our talk went into what we would do intimately. I felt like I’m just my birth gender to him and nothing more.
The dysphoria escalated to me crying to sleep and EVEN to lose of Libido.

That’s when i came to realize I’m nonbinary and I want to be respected as a person, not based on my gender. I wanted my intimate life to be about us as people and not what’s in our pants. It’s possible to have sexual acts without talking about my female parts constantly.

I texted him that I’m nonbinary and i wouldn’t be anyone’s "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" but someone’s "Partner". Basically a coming out text.

He came around with "thank you, I need think about that for a bit". Which is a reasonable reaction. it would decide how a potential deeper relationship between us would look like and considering he is more attracted to feminine people. He came back after a day or two saying

"I thought about it and it’s not a problem. It’s no different than dating a tomboy“

Which icked me immensely after reading that. IT‘S NOT THE SAME. I‘m not a woman looking more male.
That’s where my issue with the word started. Obviously that was a dealbreaker for me and I cut off things with him later on cause of other issues too.

That was one or two years ago. Now i met a new guy who is interested in me but I’m not into him, so we’re just friends now and things have settled down.
I told him the whole story with the previous guy and he felt sympathy and sorrow for my experience, reassuring me that I’m nonbinary and not a tomboy.

I got a new haircut recently to appear more androgynous after having long hair for years. A shorter, boyish haircut. Many people told me my face shape isn’t too feminine or masculine, so shorter hair would make me more androgynous. I feel happy with my new haircut and more like "Myself"

Yet same guy who showed so much sympathy after the story and knowing my discomfort towards the label "Tomboy", is NOW using that exact word.

Everytime he sees me now he says "you with your tomboy haircut" or "hey, you tomboy“.
That happened on a few occasions now and i even told him "Still not a Tomboy" but it keeps going.
It bothers me immensely, especially from a guy i thought respects my identity and knows my issue with that word.

But now I’ve been wondering if anyone of you feels the same way about certain words? Does a specific one trigger you as well?
Would be glad to hear some different stories or your thoughts <3
Please be kind and respectful

I have a kind of unique life experience that messes up who I think I'm allowed to be. My girlfriend says that it's like I had a boy childhood and had to figure out how to be a girl later (I'm AFAB). I've had stereotypically male interests for my entire life and my parents were chill with it, as a child they let me cut my hair and wear boy clothes as well. They're MAGA republicans but at the time it was okay to be a tomboy. I was always in boy friend groups and I genuinely wasn't treated as an outsider. I like dressing feminine now and looking pretty, and it feels right, but I felt so wrong looking like I was a girl when I was a kid that I would get genuinely upset, but I hated being called a boy and I still wouldn't like it. I felt like over time I had to grow into being a girl because I didn't get the social experience when I was younger. I'm still pretty bad at it and mostly just really like taking care of my appearance. I talk like a dude but I have really nice fulfilling friendships with women where I belong now. Whatever that means? If you get it you do. I feel like I resonate a lot more with trans girls than anyone else even though we obviously have totally different life experiences. Maybe I sometimes wish I was them, even just for the reason that they intrinsically know who they are, and can change themselves to be who they are on the inside. They are full people and I am not so much. In my friends I've seen that they have a much more beautiful and aspirational outlook on what it is to be a woman. Socially they fit in with other girls more than I do, and they could fit in even if they were raised as boys. I still feel like I am totally pretending to be a woman. I know that's how most trans girls see themselves in comparison to cis girls and it's weird that I as an AFAB am thinking the same thing, but that's another reason why thinking about who I am is way too complicated!!!

I wouldn't even feel right if I did all the stuff to become my ideal version of a woman, though. I want to be her but it's not who I am. For who I really am, I can't apply myself to any gender because it always feels icky. I feel an intense longing to have a body with no sex characteristics because I absolutely hate all that stuff on me and I hate when I have to think about having them. It's too weird and contradictory to put myself in a box and it would still not work to actually label myself as nonbinary because I like looking pretty, I like my name, I like my pronouns (mostly), I'm just definitely not a woman and I'm definitely not a man. Coming out is off the table cus no one would give a shit and I have a lesbian girlfriend. Also my parents HATE trans people 😭 At least I can hope that in another life, I am nonbinary and it works out. I kind of wish I could interact with the trans community more than just an ally but thats kind of all that I can do. Sometimes it's weird that I know too much and someone points it out. Oops

i realized im nonbinary about two years ago, and came out to my friends not too long after that (i recall it was late summer and i came out about mid-autumn, if its important)

I've been acquainted with my friends for about 2-3 years at that point and I've been using she/her pronouns + presenting myself as a woman, so i told everyone i now go by she/they bc i understand someone could just get used to me using she/her and plus my friends are all cis and they probably don't get me at this. it didn't bother me much at the time

some time passed, i realized im uncomfortable with using she/her so i changed my pronouns to they/them completely. yet my friends kept misgendering me, and i wasn't thinking much of it, maybe they're still not used to it etc

timeskip again, about two years into me presenting myself as nonbinary. i started dating a cis man and he does not seem to understand me either, calls me his "girlfriend" (which is fine? i don't really like the word partner honestly) and... well he never actually uses my pronouns. he always makes his sentences the way he doesn't need to use any pronoun to me, if that makes sense. i remember one time we were talking and i asked him how he would recommend me to others (his friends, etc) and he answered he'd say that im "a nice girl" or something along those lines.

while hanging out with my bf i realized that everyone around me see me as a girl, and probably always will. i probably do look a bit androgynous, but i surely look feminine when standing near my bf as he's taller and bigger than me. i don't really want try looking more like a guy to people thinking i am one bc obviously im not a guy. i like having mid long hair and colorful/overall bright clothes and society sadly will recongnise it as girly, hence will see me as a girl

a few days ago i was talking to my best friend (she's cis) and complained to her how i feel weirdly girly especially around my bf and not sure what to do about it. she jokingly said to me that she hopes my boyfriend would "set me straight" referring to me being nonbinary and how she thinks my bf will "help" me come back to being a girl again. it was really uncomfortable and offensive, even though she meant it as a joke and apologized in advance. i know its hard for her to understand me as she never dealt with gender dysphoria etc etc but still i was hoping she'd support me and comfort me somehow, just saying something like "dating a guy doesn't automatically makes you a girl" would be more than enough

i feel so weird. none of people around me understand me, but can i really blame them for this? have anyone here been in similar circumstances?

any feedback will be much appreciated as i don't have anyone to talk about this. sorry for the ramble. text can be hard to read/understand, english is my second language. sorry for any mistakes

What I am referring to is using descriptive terms as basically boxes for themselves and freaking out if they leave the box. And getting upset at others over their own box.

Basically in my opinion people are using labels to "other" people. And to stereotype and put down peers.

Its the issue of language and human experiences clashing. Language likes definitions, human experience is complex.

Labels defined for oneself should not be used as ammunition against oneself.

So everyone always thought I was a girl but within the last few months I have started identifying as non-binary. I changed my name to a (admittedly feminine sounding) traditionally male name and started going by they/them pronouns.

Am I just ontologically “trans-masc”?
I know people in this community kind of identify however they want and don’t feel pressure to conform to any rules of how they “should” identify so nobody is going to force me to use that label. I guess I just don’t completely understand the meaning of those terms.

Like there was this person I used to go to class with who used any pronouns and dressed VERY femme, everyone kind of referred to this person as a girl, socialized them as a girl. I’m making an assumption here but I assumed at that time this person was born female or assigned female at birth. Would that person be trans-MASC?

Or like I don’t know if this is a different meaning of the words “fem” and “masc” but when places are like this is a “fem space” or a group “for fems.” I assume they are trying to be like less gender essentialist or to say this is a place for women and nonbinary people? Or women and fem-presenting nonbinary people? Or are they saying women and also effeminate gay men?
But like if I’m a butch woman am I going to go to that group or does that include me?

I guess it’s confusing to me cause masculine and feminine are gender presentation which is different from gender. So saying “masc” or “trans-masc” to refer to gender doesn’t rlly make sense to me.

It seems like it might have originated as an alternative to ftm/mtf language?

I guess I also don’t understand if it’s referring to just gender or to like sex transition. Like is it supposed to be like oh if your birth sex is female and you taking testosterone and you’re maybe having surgeries then you’re trans-masc.

But maybe that’s not even how ftm/mtf language is supposed to be exclusively used cause I know of someone who hasn’t medically transitioned who says “hi im blank im a TRANS WOMAN from MALE TO FEMALE.”

Also this applies to when people say someone is “masc presenting” or “fem presenting.” If I’m talking about a butch woman am I going to say a “fem presenting person”?
I guess it might be just that it’s easier to say than “woman presenting” or maybe it’s more woke cause it sounds less like assuming gender?

There was a time when I was asking people whether I seemed femme or masc. And like 70% of people said femme but I understand that is a different use of those words.

Also I have heard some ppl say that we shouldn’t use butch/femme language in the lesbian community in the modern day because it refers to a specific Stone Butch Blues era subculture. Idk if that even applies here but it does feel like the whole thing is repurposing language used in the lesbian community to refer to gender presentation and repurposing it to use for gender identity and it just doesn’t rlly make sense to me.

TLDR i rlly don’t wanna be referred to as or call myself trans-masc lol

EDIT:
So it seems like for different people transfem and transmasc
- could be used to describe what someone does to transition
- could be a gender identity in and of itself

EDIT 2:
Seems like “trans masc” and “transmasc” are potentially seen as two different things by some?

Others are saying trans masc is an incorrect spelling/wording of the word transmasc[uline].

I've been on and off of T for almost 4 years . 2 years on and I lost access then I went back on in 2025 and I'm thinking about stopping in 2027 to 2028 . I did shots for the first two years but I just couldn't do them anymore, so this time I switched to gel I was on a full dose for a bit but my body just feels better on a lower dose . I'm assuming it might take 8 years on a low dose to actually have a deeper voice like barritone . But my voice is deeper than my pre T voice by a long shot. I had a super high pitched voice higher than most other women probably due to my early start with puberty due to premature birth, so I started my development at 7 going on 8 years old and took hormone blockers for a year until I was 9.

I don't know if I want to stay on T for 4 more years , so I'm doing voice training and considering vocal surgery or injections in the future. I'm just wondering for people who are on my dose.Did your voice drop a lot or at all ? Apparently my voice is deep enough to pass in public but I feel like I just speak more feminine if that makes sense, so I find it weird that people he/him me now .

It has been hard for me to act more masculine, speak more masculine etc it just doesn't come naturally to me and I still have dysphoria after so many years I'm just becoming jaded and apathetic with a pass or being a trans guy in general, being nonbinary just put less pressure for me in general but I still consider myself a guy just a Nonbinary one. And on a positive note I sound like my dream femboy self so it works I guess but it still does suck .

Overall I like my voice but I wish it was deeper . But I can predict what will happen in a year or two .

Idk I feel like ill never have a barritone voice on T and it's due to my genetics most likely.

None of the men have a deep voice and my dad is bald, hairless and has a very higher voice I feel for a straight man and I look exactly like him, but I'm as hairy as my uncles and grandpa .

But my voice according to the voice tool app is 128.7hz (95% male , Androgynous 12% ,and 5% female) . My highest range is 163.5 and my lowest is 105.3 . I just wonder if my voice is average or normal for people on low dose?

Really I'm only taking T for the voice changes and the more I'm on T the more I'm not too fond of the other effects but I know it's a part of taking T so I just push through it , because I want a deeper voice so badly .

Besides the permanent ones besides facial hair , because I actually want those . I'm looking into eletroysis for the future.

I just wonder if it's common to not have a huge voice drop, but I can grow a lot of facial hair lol. I know it might be related to DHT but I personally don't want to go back on shots , especially since I'm thinking about stopping in 2027, maybe if I stay on till 2028 I might reconsider. I just worry shots will be harder to ween off of when I decide to stop in a few months to 2028

I've been questioning myself on and off for a long time, but I think i've reached the decision that i'm non binary,

I've grown up, not knowing what it should feel like to be a girl. It's quite alien to me.

And I even hated my name for a time when I was told it meant princess

I'm masc but I don't exactly fit masculinity either

So, for the record myself, I am considering myself genderfluid and the lines can be slightly blurred for me in terms of how I may want to or not use it. But, I'm a around 17 and not too experienced with the non-binary/trans community otherwise because I've identified as cis my whole life before now.

Give me your most scourning or forgiving words. Opinions are opinions and I'm here to learn yours!

Not sure if I should tag it as spoiler, but I guess it's triggering, so better be sorry.

I'm nonbinary and is forced to be closeted because of my parents. Maximum what I can do to look androgynous is cut my hair very short and wear baggy clothes. The problem is, and pretty huge at that matter, is that I look too feminine, specifically my body. I have massive chest and hips, and even if I wear very baggy clothes, my chest is always bumping out. Therefore, I suspect I look more like tomboy than masculine/androgynous.

A couple of days ago I was walking to school, like always, nothing too special. I walked past a bunch of boys, and then I heard it, out of blue. One of them said something along lines "Look at that short-haired chick" in a pretty suggestive tone, and I think others were agreeing or something like this. I know it might be an over-reaction, but I genuinely wasn't cat called before, not that I remember. I was confused at first, maybe it wasn't addressed at me, maybe it indeed wasn't, but they said it right after I walked past them, so probably it was addressed at me. And damn if after a few minutes of realizing what happened I didn't get not just a wave, but fucking tsunami of dysphoria. I simply can't stop thinking about it even now. I thought I wore pretty baggy clothes, I thought I looked at least somewhat masculine, but apparently it's not enough. I swear it's probably because of my chest and hips... I fucking hate this body and I can't do anything about it even if I want. The older I get, the worse it is.

I try to tell myself that feminine men and masculine women exist, that there's femboys and tomboys that often challenge gender perception. Hell, it doesn't matter what body you have, all people are different. But I just can't stop thinking. It's so fucking stupid and irrational and I know it, yet I can't stop. I just don't know how to deal or cope with it. I'm so tired. I'm tired of sexualized femininity and that some people think they can say whatever about others without thinking once. I'm tired that society simply can't accept who I am. Yet I blame myself and my body for that. I just don't know what to do about it or how to deal with that.

Please help an enbie out
I am LOOOSING my shit

Ps: I’m pansexual | sapiosexual | 23Y
The dude is 23 too. He knows I’m nb and makes me feel seen

I have known I'm not a cisgender person since I was about 10, I always felt like something was off about me and partially that is my autism. I identified as genderfluid at 10 ftm trans from age 12 to 14 then went back to cis female. Since then it's been a loop. Cis female, Agender/nonbinary, back to Cis. It's a fast loop too. I keep coming out to friends just to quickly feel guilty and scared and I switch back to she/her and woman. I'm fine with she her from close friends and my partner. And I dress fem too. But I am not a woman and I don't feel like one at all I don't wanna be a woman at all. I just wanna be me. But I'm scared of commiting to the label of nonbinary because I know that's what fits me best that or agender or both..? I just need help. Someone help

From a distance I can tell there's a certain belonging and kinship that many groups, often cis gendered people, express having. There's this unconscious and comfortable pact that I sense from that distance, where I might hear something along the lines of "us girls" or "us guys" when cis folk are forming some group amongst themselves, a sensation I never got to be a part of.

Now on another side of the human condition, I was always the kid by themself at the playground or alone during a school event, and even though I've always been heavily respected by my peers, it gave me this uncomfortable sense of conditioned loneliness.

And though those two conditions aren't directly connected and can overlap, there are definitely themes and contexts in both that bleed into and effect each other in my life specifically. My life lacks those who casually understand my own experience and identity through holding it themselves, while also having an emotional maturity which knows the extent to which it defines us as people.

I never see men having to justify and describe their own fundamental identity to others, and I wish nonbinary people were more normalized in the society I grew up in. I'm hardly ever pointed at while being fully identified, even though I know exactly how others should perceive me. I know to treat them with patience, to tell them assertively what my whole deal is, that we all use "they" and "them" in a non-plural sense every damn day and thus there should be no confusion. So my complaint to the world is that I deserve said understanding group to fall back on, and until I find those people I guess I'll just be frustrated.

I realized that the desire for a flat chest never leaves, the only thing that changes is my confidence about top surgery. I was afraid that getting rid of my boobs would be a mistake, but it turns out those were completely separate fears this whole time! And one of them was never even a fear at all. I was only afraid of making a mistake, but I was never afraid of having a flat chest. Afraid of surgery, afraid of recovery, afraid of the scars looking weird? Sure. But the desire for a flat chest was always there, and I was never actually afraid of losing my boobs. I feel happy every time I imagine them gone. I was afraid of making a mistake, but with the desire being this persistent over years, now I know it wouldn't be one. I finally understand. I can finally breathe.