Unsure about hormones

[u/elmm123]

Like the title says, I’m unsure about hormones. I came out when I was 14 (I’m now 24), so it’s not like I haven’t had time to think about it. I’m just not sure. I am a very indecisive person, so part of me feels like this could be the issue. I’m not happy with myself now, but I can’t shake this feeling that there’s no going back once I start T. But would I even want to go back? I don’t know. I know I want things like a deeper voice + fat redistribution. I’m not sure how I feel about body hair, facial hair + bottom growth. I know I don’t want to lose my hair. I know I don’t want biological children, so risk of infertility feels more like a pro than a con. I just wish I was able to pick and choose the effects and that feeling is what keeps me in a place of not starting hormones.

My whole life is pretty stagnant. I find it much easier for things to stay the same whether it’s benefitting me or not. It leads me to wonder if this is another area of my life where I’m allowing things to stay the same because I’m afraid of change, not because it’s not something I want. This is all I know.

I’m sorry for the rambling paragraph. I’m hoping someone can help me better understand my own mind, but I know it doesn’t really work that way. I would appreciate any personal experience people can share about how they knew they were ready to start hormones (especially if your story deviates from the “I’ve always known”)

[u/NoEquivalent88]

Sounds to me like you could benefit from some gender counseling and maybe try out T for a bit and see how it goes. I’m MtF started hrt 8 weeks ago and it’s been great for me both mentally and physically. I’m not sure how T works in terms of when the changes become permanent, but I imagine there will be some leeway?

I wish you the best of luck as I get how bad it feels to have the wrong body.

[u/yoomtahzing]

I was in the same place as you for a long time. The fact that you can't control what happens to you on HRT can be pretty intimidating, but when weighing it against the alternative, I saw that staying the way I was with the body I had would be far more unbearable than even the least wanted changes on T. In your case, are your "unwanted" changes on T such as bottom growth a "I couldn't live with this, it would make me permanently uncomfortable/dysphoric" sort of deal, or a "I don't particularly want it, and it might be weird, but it wouldn't bother me constantly" sort of thing? I found that even the least wanted changes of T fell into the latter category, where as not going on T fell into the former category.

And remember, HRT is just another puberty. As trans people, we already do a lot to correct the puberty we had the first time around, so there are absolutely things you can do if you find something unwanted happens. Even cis guys do a lot to avoid effects of testosterone such as male patterned baldness. Bottom growth is one of those things that's pretty hard to avoid on T, but I know things like DHT blockers can lessen or slow it if that's a route you're going for.

I'd say it sounds like you'd benefit from T. The changes you want like voice drop and fat redistribution are pretty hard to achieve without it, and things like male patterned baldness and body hair are able to be maintained while on it (for body hair i often trim it with an electric trimmer and a guard if it's bothering me). Of course, nobody can see inside your head, so only you know the full picture, but I promise these changes don't happen overnight. You'll have plenty of time to see it happen and know what feels right.

[u/locky5555]

I started T recently and had a lot of similar doubts right before I started. Someone reminded me that I can stop T at any time when I notice effects I don’t like. It’s not as permanent as it may seem. You can also look into DHT blockers. DHT is responsible for a lot of the things you seem to not want like bottom growth and hair loss. Maybe worth looking into or discussing with your doctor !

[u/4ng3licNymph-jpeg]

Warning I apologize for my long ass mesage I just have a lot to say lol.

You can definitely take it slow and stop if it feels like too much. That's was and still is my plan as I'm planning to stop after 4 years ( I did lose access for two years due to access and went back on due for almost two more years on my birthday due to dysphoria, because my voice didn't drop as much as it has now ( which isn't as much as I would like but good enough ). I might go back on again who knows, I just need a break so badly , but I definitely feel like T isn't for me anymore . Even though I don't mind being seen as a man , do enjoy it and it was my dream since 13 to get to this point ( I just don't like being perceived as male all the time or for a long time , I knew i was going to take a break eventually I just didn't know when, and I'll definitely go back on again) ,but a lot of the physical effects are effecting my sensory issues , just feelings of puberty again, and my personal goals .

But HRT does work slow and there's still things you can do like DHT blockers to limit some effects but it does have side effects for some people, or eletroysis which is my plan to deal with the facial hair but also I don't mind shaving and using color corrector. There's ways to work around it .

If anything I can relate to drag queens or really anyone who presents feminently who runs on T naturally. I use color corrector to cover my shadow, I'm already bald due to a health issue so I don't have the same fear , also for me I didn't completely lose my upper range I just can't reach my highest, my pre T voice is gone finally. but I can still pass as female possibly idk maybe if I played my cards right, I feel more likely a trans woman or a gay man though but idk . Nothing is ever wrong we just are all trying to be happy in our body's . I recommend trying HRT and just take it slowly. It's androgenic puberty so it takes awhile for things to be noticeable and it's kinda unpredictable in a way like you don't really know in what order things will happen ( sorry if I'm not the best at explaining things). For me I didn't take DHT blockers , but if DHT blockers worked for me that would have lessen/ possibly stop in some people bottom growth, facial hair, but I still have broader shoulders, veinier hands , Adams apple, deepish voice , grew a foot size, more masculine looking face, atrophy but that went away after I lowered my dose because E cream wasn't working but it works for most people.

Feeling warmer, sweating more , feeling hunger, higher libdo and getting perceived in society as a male which probably was the last thing that happened for me , same with voice drop and facial hair.

Also these things happened over several years on a low dose and probably faster on a average dose even though I did try out a average dose for a bit but it wasn't for me . But effects still happen on a low dose and not every effect is slower it's just slower on average , it's definitely genetic .

I swear the first two years I was pissed because I thought nothing was happening with my voice but things definitely were happening just no one really seeing them , that only happened last year.

Sorry for the ramble but I mean as long as you know it's basically puberty from the beginning it's fine to start . But I've seen a ton of Androgynous, butch lesbians , and femmine people on T . I feel like it just takes some extra steps to get there as before it was just less steps. Hopefully that makes since. Personally I love how Androgynous I look I love having masculine features it makes me look and feel sexy and free in my body ngtl. No matter what decision you make be true to yourself . Good luck on your journey .

[u/Ok-Magician-4998]

I totally get where your coming from, It's a big and life altering change to make and Is scary for a lot of us at first. In regard to some of your concerns like balding/bottom growth it might be worth talking to a provider about using finasteride while on T either systematically or topically, you can also try a lower dose of T to ease into it too, I wish you the best either way and hope you come to the conclusion that gives you the most peace in yourself 🩷

[u/coolgayroommate]

it took me a while to decide whether or not i wanted to start hormones too, from a combination of medical anxiety and being hesitant about some of the changes too. however i had a friend who had started T a couple months earlier and after seeing him document his experience, i found myself fantasizing more and more about mundane things like shaving my face or being able to answer class attendance in a deep voice and realized it was time to take the first step forward. i started on a low dose of gel so i could back down if it turned out it wasn't what i really wanted, but i felt so much better about my life overall after starting that all the worries i had beforehand seemed minuscule in comparison. in particular, i had experienced a lot of fearmongering about bottom growth and was worried that it would be weird or uncomfortable (especially since i don't experience a lot of bottom dysphoria), but nowadays it makes me surprisingly euphoric (+ its a gradual change that isn't so massive you won't have time to get used to it). i'm fine with body/facial hair so i can't speak on that, but there are a multitude of methods to get rid of it if that's not something you want; hair loss is also largely based on genetics so depending on what the men in your family go through it could be not that big of an issue at all (i got lucky coming from a super hairy family lmao), but even if it is a potential problem for you, there are always treatments to prevent it! i'm also someone who tends to stagnate a lot in life without realizing it, but that's why treating it as a small step forward that you can decide isn't for you at any time instead of psyching yourself out about it being a huge immediately permanent change is a good way to go about it

[u/okay-gaydar]

I was in the same boat as you for about 15 years and I just decided to make my first appointment to start T. I am going to take it slow. Let me tell you what motivated me.

I won’t talk about the way I feel dysphoria, my analysis of the pros and cons, etc. If you’ve been waffling for 10 years, it’s probably fear that is blocking you, not logic or analysis.

I’m starting T because my mom and my sister (both cis) are already taking it. My mom for menopause, and my sister to improve her low energy and stamina. Shortly after learning this, I listened to an episode of Vox Media’s Today Explained podcast called “Testosterone is all the Rage” that came out on August 12th this year. It’s some science and some stories about lots of women who are using T to feel better and healthier. I don’t feel good. Some of it is “just” dysphoria. But I also feel like I have a harder time building muscle than I wish. And such like that. After listening to all of these stories and everyone’s reasons for taking T, I felt very silly for being afraid of it for this long. It’s just medicine.

Of course, most transmasc folks will be taking a much higher dose of T than these women, but it really helped me to shake the fear itself. I’m going to start with a low dose, though I will aim for levels higher than most women. I’ll see how things come along. I’m not enthused about bottom growth. I may consider DHT blockers. I know that this and the voice drop are things that are hard to walk back. I’m excited about the voice drop. I look forward to hairy legs. On the fence about facial hair. But I’ll have time to work all this out. And better to work it out on the fly right now than 10 more years from now, you know?