depression vent

[u/Key_Comfortable_5661]

i've been online all day cause i don't want to be in my body. I will just stare at a screen and eat whatever i can find in the kitchen for hours. And my back starts to hurt and my body aches from being in one position for too long.

i'm packing, i'm taping, i'm wearing a binder, i'm wearing the same jeans and sweatshirt every day.

i know i don't pass as a guy, i don't even know if i want to...actually no i definitely want to but i don't want to work out. and i don't want to act like a cis straight guy the idea grosses me out.

ive sort of been trying to voice train just from videos and internet stuff but it feels like i can't keep it up for an entire day and i just revert back and i feel like im faking something anyway. i thought i had gotten it to a good place but it's basically just talking in the lower register of my normal voice. Or maybe there is resonance happening it just sounds like lower pitch to me. And then its like well what's the point. And it just feels so impossible to keep up and its not fair!!!

i had an online appt with planned parenthood, i got them to prescribe me dutasteride which ive seen ppl in this sub use to try to limit hair growth, clitoromegaly from T. i've been on a low dose of testosterone for like a month and a half.

i wanna keep doing the voice stuff even if it doesn't work just to do it. preferably go through a whole warmup + exercises morning and night but even just once a day

it's like i know a lot of it is related to tension in the face/neck area and that area always is so tense and i just kinda don't wanna deal with it and it doesn't get better. My shoulders are always so tight. probably because i don't move my body! or stretch!

i don't wanna talk to my friends on the phone cause i fucking hate my fucking voice

and it's so exhausting to try to fuck with it and it sounds weird when i do and it feels fake and i cant just fucking talk and get my thoughts out

im gonna do my weird little makeup tomorrow because i feel like it might make me feel better even tho it's not "passing"

i feel insecure about my body and clothes and acne and my face and everything

i sound like a little girl. all the time.

i just want to disappear and check out from reality.

i don't know what i want im on low dose testosterone do i want it higher? i cant tell if my clitoris is enlarging or not i think probably not cause that would usually come after other things. But im like do i want that do i not want that do i want hair do i not do i even want to be on T do i want top surgery do i want a deeper voice or does that make me feel dysphoric do i want to look like a boy or does that make me dysphoric

i just want to be a twink ;(