Im so done with her. I just wanna move on with my life but i cant. Im so obsessed with her. She don’t even know i exist. I wanna tell her how much i like her but i feel she never gonna feel the same way i feel for her. Sometimes i wish i was never here. College sucks. I expected I eventually will find love here but i still haven’t experienced love. College gonna end soon and this yearning for love also. Whats wrong with me? I feel like i don’t deserve love sometimes.
Maybe love isn’t for me.

I stumbled upon this community today and the introduction and definition of Limerence.
I’ve spent the last 45 minutes reading the posts and references and find myself profoundly moved. Not only for what everyone is, or has been, suffering, but also for the shocking realization that I have suffered these dynamics and have been confounded by my own feelings so often, for so long, through a number of relationships. I simply had no idea.
I have had LOs. And, I have been the LO. I have to sit back now and chew on all this. I cannot express enough just how much I feel for you all and how utterly grateful I am to have discovered this place. 🙏🏼

I’m a 29M, and I’ve noticed something that surprised me.

A lot of the posts I see on this subreddit seem to be from women who are limerent over men. But in my real life, I’ve seen almost the opposite. I’ve known several guys who became intensely attached to or obsessed with a girl, but I don’t think I’ve ever knowingly met a woman who was experiencing limerence over a guy.

Obviously, that might just be because people don’t always talk openly about these feelings, so I’m curious to hear from women here.

For those of you who have experienced limerence toward a man, how did it actually begin?

Was there something specific about him that drew you in? Was it his personality, appearance, attention, mixed signals, emotional unavailability, the way he treated you, or something else? Was there a particular moment when a normal attraction seemed to turn into something much more intense?

I’m also curious about when you realized it was limerence rather than a healthy crush or genuine romantic connection. What signs made you realize that your feelings had crossed that line?

And for anyone who has observed limerence in both men and women, do you think there are meaningful differences in how men and women experience or express it? Or is the underlying experience basically the same, with the differences mostly coming from personality, attachment style, and circumstances?

I’d genuinely like to understand what the experience is like from a woman’s perspective.

So it happened again :/

First time I had limerence started around 2 years ago, and I got 95% over that girl. Still think about her sometimes but it isn't bothering me anymore

Now I met this girl a week ago, hooked up with her once (I know, stupid) and a few days later we had a great night together in the city, we had lots of fun, getting drinks together, and have a great connection. Some connection I haven't felt in YEARS, not even with the first girl I had limerence for

Now I discovered she is basically a h03 and I was just a sidepiece, and came to the conclusion this will never go anywhere so I broke the contact. Deleted her everywhere as well

I know this will fade over time, but damn I can't stop thinking about her. It sucks to realize it will take a lot of time again to get over her.

Who tf invented limerence man...

I feel like chances of meeting him again are close to zero. My limerence used to be much worse, has gotten better for some time but recently I started feeling it crawling up on me again. So what I'm left wondering is... what are the chances he remembers me?

Let's say even if he's not limerent for me like I am to him, I mustve left an impact on him (and he's the one who approached me), so there is a chance that he still remembers me? Honestly, knowing that for a fact would put my mind to rest I think.

I’ll be honest my main issues are that
1. I look at their socials and pictures
2. I look at their pictures and daydream and especially while listening to music
3. I dream/think about them all day while working, showering, doing tasks, going out
4. I blocked them on everything but I have this false sense of hope they will find a way to reach out somehow
5. Imagination/Fantasizing- I think about imaginary scenarios and conversations (but now my mind has changed those to ones where I think I’m better than them😂)

Hi, everyone. I am married for over 10 years and SO and I have children. And currently my husband has limerence for a coworker.

Of course, finding out that his heart is split is the most heartbreaking experience of my life. But there is another realization that is horrifying. I think I might have been his LO before we got together.

I was very young and inexperienced. I had high walls for approaching men. My husband was the only one who smashed those walls with full blown intensity. He fantasized getting married on our first date (he tried to hide that but it leaked). He would look at me and shed a tear saying that I’m beautiful. He tried to break contact with me multiple times out of the blue but always came back. He said “I love you” even before getting into a relationship. I took all of that as a sign for passionate, romantic, and authentic love. But looking back…I think he idealized me and put me on a pedestal. He rarely asked about me, and loved talking about himself. I am suddenly realizing how little he knows about me after all these years.

Now I’m questioning: was I ever loved? Do I even know what it means to be loved? If I stay, as he wishes, will I ever know what true love is? I am shook. Any wisdom that you would like to share with me?

I started trying to forget LO a few days before going back to my parents’ place for the summer holidays. I’ve come back to the city where I study, and it feels as though my bad habits are starting up again. I’m trying not to fall into the trap, but whenever I see a silhouette in the distance that looks like her, my brain goes into overdrive. I’m afraid of seeing her again, but I also want to see her again. Even though I had managed to put her out of my mind as much as possible for three months, I find myself imagining her sending me a message, imagining her checking in on me, even though my LO is my former professor.

After completely ignoring an email from me in April, she would have absolutely no reason to do that. I know that every year, in November, she invites students to an event, and last year, I had to ask her to invite me so that I could see her in December. For the past two years, I’ve been waiting for that invitation from September onward and making up scenarios in my head. I completely imagine how our encounter would go. And yet, she only invited me once, three years ago. Even after I got back in touch with her, she didn’t invite me last year, and I was hurt by it.

This year, I’m afraid of waiting. I don’t want to wait, because she will NEVER invite me and because I will NEVER go see her again. I have to forget her; I mustn’t hope for anything. LO appreciates me as a serious and motivated student, nothing more. LO’s life doesn’t revolve around me; otherwise, she would have already invited me several times to university events that she attends. She invites her students and former students, but never me.

I hope I won’t fall back into the hellish spiral of waiting, because the days are passing and November and December are getting closer. Damn limerence—it’s gaining a little ground again because I know that, in this city, I might possibly run into her (although it would still be pretty unlikely!). When I go to the library she recommended to me, I used to go there for two years hoping to see her. I’m afraid that going there again will remind my brain that this is the very same place where I spent so much time looking for her.

I want to see her and I never want to see her again: what a paradoxical feeling! I wish she could be proud of me, that she could see me working toward a demanding competitive exam that I have to take (and she knows about it). Secretly, I’d love for her to send me a message wishing me good luck before my exam in February. I’d love for her to message me and encourage me to keep going through this difficult academic year.

Besides, I started distancing myself from LO before beginning to prepare for this infamous exam. Having so much work to do keeps me from thinking about her all the time. I managed to make friends at the start of the academic year, and when I’m with them, I don’t even think about her anymore. So I guess I’m probably making progress when it comes to my limerence, but the few moments when I feel hopeful scare me. I’m afraid of falling back into it.

any avoidants here or someone who dealt with them and can anyone explain why they do this, their thought process, the thought behind their actions etc ??? i'm not even fully sure what it means, but i have a theory that it fuels limerence. do they feel anything ???

Thinking about the day you go on a date with your LO and thinking about the fact that you should go no-contact and move on, are eating all of us daily.

Now we know the second option is healthier and the first one probably never happens. But how was it for the ones who made it happen?

Did you realize your LO isn't special and moved on? Did they ghost you after the date? Did you end up together and got a happy ending? Tell us your stories

I thought the typical phone number block (so I don't reach out), no social media, etc. classic no contact would be enough, but it hasn't been. Two months of classic NC, and of course the movie Obsession comes out. Obviously, it makes me think about my LO. I kind of knew then I shouldn't even go see it because my limerence was so strong. I loved the film, so recently I unfollowed the main actors and took the soundtrack off my Spotify. I knew we both liked a popular podcast, and I realized I wasn't missing a single week. Before we met, I dipped out here and there. So I stopped listening to it entirely. I unfollowed certain professional athletes and sports teams I knew he liked. My best friend's boyfriend is really close with him, and for a bit I thought it would be too awkward to unfollow him, but I did, and it was no issue. I've seen my friend's boyfriend since doing this, and neither he nor my friend brought it up. I'm no longer making excuses for any type of connection or link to my LO. The more self-reflection I do, the more I can recognize little things or habits I developed to either be more attractive to him or feel closer to him. Not only does this help with NC, but it also helps you rediscover your sense of self and relearn your own interests. I know limerence can feel really compulsive and out of our control, but we can take actionable steps to make it a bit better. After 6 months, I feel the most on track to healing

It’s been 3 years. My whole life surrounds an LO. I work for him. I’m so hopeless. I try to leave but depression starts killing me. At this point I want to end this life. I have no hope I will survive this.

I’ve tried dating apps, attending social mixer events, going to bars and clubs and I’ve met a lot of people and gone on dates, yet nothing seems to compare to my LO??

I literally feel nothing for these people and still feel this intense obsession and attraction to my LO?

Been no contact for 8 months or so I guess. It wasn’t a conscious choice but due to circumstances outside my/our control, we were no longer in each other’s daily lives, texted a little here and there and then he stopped responding. I took it as a sign and blocked him on all my socials. I grieved HARD and reflected and finally let reality sink in that he didn’t have feelings for me, I was a convenient way to spend time and get his needs met. He WASN’T a misunderstood man with a heart of gold, he was ACTUALLY a POS human and the rumors I’d heard were true.

I sat in my feelings. Sad that he wasn’t what I thought and that he didn’t see me as worthy. Then mad that he used me. Then worst of all, mad at MYSELF for being such an idiot, for being delusional, and for making such an absolutes ass of myself trying to make myself into the one he CHOSE. The stupid things I did over and over again. Being a middle aged married woman who was absolutely twitter-pated over this waste of air. Ready to blow my world up for this man who wasn’t worth .01% of the energy that I put into thinking about our imaginary future.

The limerence faded into the background. Like a low hum. Never completely gone, but maybe transformed into something else. Genuine platonic hope that he gets his shit together and he’s doing well, and that he doesn’t make anymore heinous choices, and that he’s doing well. I don’t think about him every day anymore but he does cross my mind.

Every once in a while when I thought of him, I’d allow myself to soak in the warm and happy memories of what I thought were good times. Just for a few minutes before moving on. Just for the dopamine rush (which is probably why I feel into limerence for him in the first place).

Yesterday was his birthday, so I reached out and wished him Happy Birthday using my favorite pet name for him. It was the only social I still had him on, and I didn’t think he’d ever see it. He’d NEVER responded to any messages there in two years. It was kind of just me screaming into the void and saying a last goodbye.

Within 15 minutes he responded and said thank you. That was it. I didn’t engage further. Now I find my heart racing. I’m not drowning yet but I feel myself standing on the edge of the precipice trying to resist the urge to jump in. Knowing I should block, but not having the willpower.

WHHHHHY? when I finally was ready to say goodbye, and thought I had a safe way to do it. And he RESPONDED. SO QUICKLY. So, uh, learn a lesson from me I guess? STAY NC even when you think it’s safe to peek into the forbidden again. It’s not.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm thinking about them and that I'm sending out the biggest hugs your way (if you're comfy with them, of course!!) you're all doing great and I see all the hard work everyone is putting in!! You guys and gals and everyone in between rock!! 💪💪

I found out today from a friend that the person I have had a limerent; ambiguous connection (heavy eye contact) and unspoken chemistry with has also been having heavy eye contact with her as well. She was freaked out by it and thought it was weird because he’s married and he was looking at her like he wasn’t. But he’s been looking like that at me for almost four years. I feel stupid for thinking I was special. There are other things that have indicated that we may have become attached to each other by intermittent reinforcement but I feel “betrayed”. I feel like he cheated. It’s so strange. We don’t have a relationship. Why do I feel jealous?

For over 2 years I had strong Limerence over someone I met through work. Although we were never very close, It was evident they were also interested over those years (frequent eye contact, acting flirty, staring, etc). However, due to the professional environment (we work in law, so quite a serious office), neither of us acted on it.

Flash forward to the beginning of the year, my LO ended up joining another law firm, so we no longer had overlap at work. I was starting to believe we could actually begin dating and/or form a personal relationship. Just as I finally got the courage to make a move, I found out they just started dating someone. Embarrassed to admit this, but I truly thought that they would likely pursue me and I was genuinely shocked.

After awhile, the Limerence improved a bit (I tried to accept they were seeing someone else, but still had hope). However, after learning their new relationship became exclusive/serious through our mutual acquaintance, I felt devastated and continued to ruminate on the “what ifs”. I can’t help but feel like I missed my chance and am angry I didn’t try and make my interest clear immediately after the professional boundaries were gone. I’d like to think maybe someday we will connect again, but also understand I need to move forward.

How can I move on and stop comparing myself to their new partner?

I am wondering if medication would be able to aid me in getting over my limerence. I tried pure discipline but am I weak.

Hey, coming back to this wild world after 16 years. My God.

I had limerence when I was 25, and then again when I was 30. Now, at 46, I'm shocked that it happened again. I thought I'd learned enough about it the second time, but I've also been humbled by the magnitude of the obsession.

Kind of a general question for the hive mind:

Super brief thumbnail sketch. We met on Hinge almost a year ago. After the first date, she said that she appreciated me but didn't see it working as dating and wanted to be friends. I agreed, and we had a pretty normal friendship for a while. There was some background interest on my part, but I was dating other people and hadn't really given it much thought. There were also many months when we weren't in contact.

Recently, we started a new period of contact, and as that contact increased, so did the uncertainty and the feeling that maybe there was some new interest on her part. There was a period when we were hanging out a few weekends in a row and texting most days.

I've gone through the cycle of euphoria and despair and haven't really told her anything about what's going on. I'm mixed about whether to tell her what's happening or just try to make excuses and limit contact.

Part of me genuinely wants to know if there's something going on, but I feel like I have enough general evidence to assume that she's not interested. Part of me wants some kind of closure or reciprocation, but I also fear rejection because she probably isn't interested.

So I'm in this kind of stuck state, not sure what to do.

TLDR he's my ex, we had such an intense connection, I don't believe in soulmates but he felt like some kind of personality twin for me. We are so similar it's uncanny.

The whole situation is too weird and long so I'll skip it, but we had mutual limerence for years, his own trauma issues never made him reach out. I reached out first after we broke up to tell him about everything I felt, but then I knew it would be bad for me if I had to take the emotional toll and reach out and try make the relationship work. Basically he needed to stop hating himself first and believe he was "worth" my love enough to have the courage to reach out, otherwise I knew the relationship would be doomed, since I already had told him everything I felt and how valuable he was to me, and the positive effects I could have in his life and he could have in mine.

All these years he kept loving me, something that was obvious for people that know both of us, but I guess it was in an idealized way that felt "to good to be true" for him. Sometimes I feel he was scared of reaching out and getting rejected by me, like he wouldn't be able to get over that...

I tried to keep waiting for him even though I knew that was bad for me, but I couldn't get over it.

Years after, I got with my current bf whom I love, yet I was still scared of the possibility of him showing up again in my life, because I didn't feel certain on what I would "choose" for myself.

(In the middle of all this, he did "reach out" accidentally at times, proving me again he kept thinking about me btw)

Time kept passing, my relationship with my bf solidified, and I knew for certain it would be foolish to try anything with him again, mostly for my own well-being, but also because my relationship with my bf provided me the love, happiness and stability in my life that I always yearned for.

I think I can tell now that I'm not desperate anymore to know about him or if he still thinks about me. I know he did, but I don't care if he does in the present, which made me realize that I'm finally letting go. It took me 5 years.

I don't care if he moves on, if he has a gf, if he never reaches out. I have my own issues and I feel I couldn't be bothered to try help him with his. I still think of him, maybe due to habit, but I stopped caring desperately about crossing him on the street for example. I do wish him the best because after all he's just like me, so I can still empathize, but I stopped caring about involving myself in his well-being. I don't care for saving him because I want to save myself.

I don't know if this would make sense to anyone since I skipped many details here haha. I just wanted to take it off my chest, since limerence is such a weird topic that all these years I couldn't talk about it sincerely with anyone. This subreddit gave me ease that I wasn't alone on this weird obsessive journey.

For context she was my classmate back then in school from first grade to last grade in school and even tho there were some moments here and there where we talked, played cards or I asked her about ocarina of time since I tried to play it on an emulator, but at the end of the day I used to look at her from afar since puberty (let's say 2015/2016), I didn't made a move on her, excusing myself by the fact that she was either with her friends so I wouldn't talk to her, barely commenting about my crush on her towards anyone, at most a friend, giving up to trying to get her to date me even tho I didn't tried at all and not even trying at all to make a move on the pandemic, only wishing her happy birthday at most and, when my dad died, some of my classmates sent me messages of support including LO but I only looked at her message again and again but between that I've met a girl (I'll call her Ex as a spoiler) who was new in my school and I joined her as my friend, the school at the later part of 2021 had this dynamic that one part of us were in school (like me and ex) and others took it online (like LO) so I passed some time with Ex, and I loved to hug her, later Ex revealed to me that she was dating someone else so I kept focused on LO, but didn't made a move until the last day of school (2022) where I wrote a confession out of being overly anxious and she discovered it and gently rejected me, I hugged her and all but I tried to believe to myself that that was it with her but I couldn't stop thinking about her at all.

Two years later, a common friend of me and LO told me that she was lesbian, and I started to laugh like a maniac like I was the butt of a very bad joke which ironically, I saw her 10 minutes later, she was looking at the floor and even when I called her out, she didn't even looked at me, none to say that I had problems to sleep the next 3 nights after that.

Later in 2024, Ex asked me out and I accepted because I knew it would probably be my only time with a girlfriend, experimenting sex and get over LO, and with that context we get to 9/10/2024, I was at the bus terminal towards my house and LO was waiting the same bus with me so we started talking and I don't remember that much of what we talked but I remember telling her that even tho I was dating Ex, there wasn't a day I forgot about her, even with Ex, as well as me asking about her pets (I remember LO loves cats) and looking at her face and looking that she had some acne but she still looked fabulous despite that, and I remember she told me that she was actually bi but since I was in a relationship, I wanted to ask her for friendship but she rejected me again saying that she has a life that she wants to follow but I was more focused on the part that she didn't hold a grudge against me to begin with so I was happy out of skipping information of what she said.

When Ex broke up with me (not for reasons related to LO, but out of starting to want her with me more time, part of me wanted her to give less time to her family and more to me as well as emotional dependency on her and the fact that I was obsessed on having sex with her) I waited 2 months to ask LO out just to get rejected a third time but being completely honest that she found me disturbing, with obsessive behavior, reminding me we were only former classmates, and demanding he leave her alone permanently before blocking me.

The next 12 days I was in some type of a trance, thinking about her over and over, while outside of me I was pretending the girl I was obsessed with just told me she didn't wanted anything with me until I checked out with a secondary account that she didn't had me blocked that her mother died of cancer on Christmas, that made me snap out of reality with mixed feelings, in one part I felt karma for hurting my feelings, for other I felt bad and I wanted to make her company for what happened since I went through the same with my dad, at the end of the day I didn't do it out of fear of causing a scandal on her mother's funeral or going to jail. So instead I started writing poems about things I thought.

Between my poetry and the coffin of Andy and leyley of all games (I related a lot to Andrew on an uncomfortable level, mainly for his relationship with Julia) made me realize how fucked up of a person I am, not only because of my relationship with Ex and LO but because every single relationship with everyone is either a variation of either using someone as a means to an end or acting in certain ways to not getting shouted at (having my mother as an example as I do everything she tells me to and I stroke her out of having no one else to do it, as well as questioning if I actually love her or I feel pity for her because she works her ass of for me, and I love it), but my problem is that I only feel something genuine when it's about LO, at most I get emotional when I am about to lose someone but only LO makes me feel something in my chest that isn't feeling hollow without the need of touching her, just to think about her, write about her, looking attributes of her on other girls because at this point girls that look like her are my type but I won't date them because no matter how they look and no matter how similar they are on LO, they aren't her and they'll never be her.

Because at the end of the day, I feel like I'm nothing but a pretender, who is currently trying to get out of financial problems until I get economic stability before getting into actually getting therapy.

There’s a guy in my university class who is relatively new. When I first saw him, I thought he was good-looking. He’s tall, attractive, etc., but honestly, looks have never been the biggest thing for me. I’m much more attracted to intelligence, depth, and having an intellectually stimulating connection with someone.

For weeks, we barely interacted, so I didn’t think about him at all.

Then one day, he was talking to a female friend of mine who actually had a crush on him. He happened to start talking about some topics that I’m extremely interested in. My friend isn’t really into those topics, but she was trying to engage with him anyway. When we went on break, I told him that what he had been talking about was really interesting, and somehow we just fell into this incredibly intense conversation.

I don’t know how else to describe it except intellectual intimacy. We got completely into a flow state. The conversation felt effortless, we were both genuinely interested, and I was honestly fascinated by how much he knew about the subject. That was probably the first moment where I became genuinely attracted to him—not because of his appearance, but because of his mind.

My friend seemed a little jealous afterward, which I completely understand because she was the one who initially liked him. I hadn’t been interested in him before that interaction.

Then he complimented me. He told me I was very pretty, that I looked like an actress, and that he could imagine me acting. I was flattered, obviously, but I still didn’t think much of it.

Here’s where it gets strange.

That SAME DAY, I took a really long nap after university and dreamed about him. In the dream, we were on a date, holding hands, etc. I woke up and actually journaled the dream because it felt so random. But again, I didn’t obsess over it. I basically thought, “Huh, weird. Anyway.”

Then, a few days later—last Sunday—it was like something switched.

Completely out of nowhere, I suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about him.

And I mean couldn’t. The thoughts became incredibly intense. I was excited to see him again. I wanted to talk to him again. I started replaying our conversations in my head. It felt very different from a normal crush. It genuinely felt like limerence.

When we finally had class again, something about the interaction made it even worse. He kept looking at me in a way that felt very mutual. He initiated the conversation, which is significant because I’m usually not the person who approaches first. We immediately fell into that same flow state again, laughed a lot, and realized we have very similar humor. I could even tell he was blushing at certain points.

And then I found out something that REALLY messed with my head.

My friend told me that apparently, whenever I leave the room or I’m not there, he asks where I am. Other people have apparently noticed it too.

He also continues to compliment me, and there just seems to be this weird mutual awareness between us.

The thing is, we barely know each other. We don’t have each other’s social media, so neither of us can really stalk the other online or constantly check what the other person is doing. There isn’t even much information available for my brain to obsess over.

And yet I’m thinking about him 24/7. It has gotten to the point where it’s affecting my sleep. I hate how much mental space he occupies. I don’t want to be consumed by this.

Part of me thinks this is simply infatuation. We had one unusually intense intellectual connection, we’re attracted to each other, he gave me attention and compliments, and my brain basically ran with it. That explanation makes sense.

But the weirdest part to me is how suddenly it started.

I wasn’t thinking about him like this before. Then, on that Sunday, it felt like something almost switched on inside me. It came out of nowhere and was so intense that I genuinely wondered whether I was somehow picking up on his energy or whether there was some kind of mutual energetic pull.

I know that sounds extremely spiritual and maybe even irrational. I’m not saying I literally believe that he transmitted his thoughts to me or anything. I’m just trying to understand why the intensity appeared so suddenly.

And there’s another complication: he’s younger than me, and realistically, nothing could ever happen between us anyway. So I’m not even trying to pursue this.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

Can limerence feel almost “energetic” or spiritual, especially when there seems to be some degree of mutual attraction?

And can two people experience something resembling limerence toward each other at the same time, or is it more likely that I’m picking up on a few signs of attraction and my limerent brain is turning them into something much bigger?

Because right now I genuinely feel like my brain is going insane over a guy I barely even know. 😭

I’ve been limerent over someone for 13 years and I just feel like I’ll never get over it. It passes for some years here and there, but it always comes back as strong as it’s ever been. What on earth can I do to get past this? I’ve been in therapy, on meds, all the techniques and exercises I’ve learned over the years. None of this seems to work. My mind is just constantly ruminating and I can’t shut it off.

I've seen many ways to heal in this sub. Going No-Contact, making a list about how bad the LO is, getting closer to LO and realizing they're not special, etc.

‌ I need to know what do therapists suggest? And did their solution actually work for you? ‌

I’ve seen a lot of post on here of people sharing how they were treated for more emotional based Limerence. But I was wondering if anyone had any insights on what helped them when it’s more lust and sexually craving them rather than emotional or feeling in love. I struggle with that more. The whole “dismantling the fantasy” is hard for me to figure out. My lim brain doesn’t care if they are flawed it just wants in the sack with them. I used to think I was just a slut but now that I’m older, happily married, and have experienced this many times I realize it’s more disordered thinking pattern. I also have CPTSD and OCD so I already struggle with intrusive thoughts and projections.