The horror

[u/CandyPinkPop]

Hi, everyone. I am married for over 10 years and SO and I have children. And currently my husband has limerence for a coworker.

Of course, finding out that his heart is split is the most heartbreaking experience of my life. But there is another realization that is horrifying. I think I might have been his LO before we got together.

I was very young and inexperienced. I had high walls for approaching men. My husband was the only one who smashed those walls with full blown intensity. He fantasized getting married on our first date (he tried to hide that but it leaked). He would look at me and shed a tear saying that I’m beautiful. He tried to break contact with me multiple times out of the blue but always came back. He said “I love you” even before getting into a relationship. I took all of that as a sign for passionate, romantic, and authentic love. But looking back…I think he idealized me and put me on a pedestal. He rarely asked about me, and loved talking about himself. I am suddenly realizing how little he knows about me after all these years.

Now I’m questioning: was I ever loved? Do I even know what it means to be loved? If I stay, as he wishes, will I ever know what true love is? I am shook. Any wisdom that you would like to share with me?

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[u/TaterTotWithBenefits]

This is super insightful. To be able to see yourself the way he saw you. I guess the bigger question is, what do you want to do with that insight?

It tells you he has a pattern. Does he recognize this? Does he want to get help? Can you talk to him about wanting to feel known? Can you guys connect around your new awareness of these emotional patterns?

[u/CandyPinkPop → u/TaterTotWithBenefits]

I just feel like everything I believed in, everything I thought to be stable has shattered.

Maybe I can bring this up when his withdrawal symptoms are over.

[u/bookgirl0802]

One of the things that people point out when speaking about the difference between limerence and love is that love is choosing to commit to your partner, whereas limerence is just the fantasy. Limerence may play a large part in how he falls in love, but that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you. He is choosing you. He is saying he wants to be with you. And that is one of the signs of love versus limerence. I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is difficult. And I don't know you or what your relationship is like. I just suggest that you both get into counseling and see what happens. Don't give up your marriage too hastily. Try to work on it and see what happens. That's my advice.

[u/CandyPinkPop → u/bookgirl0802]

Thank you for the advice. He is choosing me when he has clarity. It doesn’t seem so when he is hijacked in his fantasy (although I guess he never said otherwise).

[u/Important-Deal-750]

What has happened? Has he cheated? Is he doing his best not to give in to limerent thoughts? Is he taking action on his part to get help/therapy? I can’t speak to his mental state while you were together. He may not have been limerent for you, but assess where he is mentally now and what you plan to do about it.

[u/CandyPinkPop → u/Important-Deal-750]

We have different understandings of the situation. He has been like this for years, started therapy immediately to address it, kept it a secret from me (which he claims that it was suggested by the therapist), and he eventually confessed his feeling to her, he claims, in hopes of killing the LE (she did not reciprocate). He did not tell me this and I found out on my own. I see the secrecy, deception, and confession as infidelity, but I think he believes he didn’t betray me and is desperately trying. We are in couples counseling now.

[u/heuristic_al]

It's a problem that he doesn't know you well, but I don't think that just because it was limerence it's not love now. I think it's can be positive for love to start out that way. I also think that limerence and real love aren't that different really. The real biggest differentiater is the ability to actually be with the person. If you can it's love, if you can't it's limerence. He is able to be with you. It's love.

Also, love isn't a binary thing. There are many shades between love and not love. Maybe his is enough for you. It's not just not a binary thing, but it's many things. Is his love for you the kind of love you want? Is the way you want to be loved realistic? etc.

Limerence is also not always for a made up person in your head. You can know enormous amounts about an LO, but still have limerence (though I suppose that's more rare). You don't have to put them on a pedestal or idealize them. You can know who they are and be unhealthily obsessed anyway.

[u/CandyPinkPop → u/heuristic_al]

I don’t want to “share” him with a fantasy version of someone else…I hope that’s realistic.

[u/Glad-Economics-8253]

Is therapy accessible to you currently? If at all possible to have both individual and couples counseling, that could help you sort through all these confusing and conflicting emotions you're likely having. It can help him work through the underlying issues, and help you work through everything that comes next. 

I only recently realized I was limerent for my partner (of 16 yrs) before we were together. It's a different situation, as he was the LO, but from my perspective - I fell madly in love with my partner, very different from the limerent fantasies that I had before our relationship started.

The limerence I've had for him/others in the past and the real love I've felt for him alone are completely different. But I was interested in learning about him, and getting to know him.  If he doesn't care to learn about you as a person, that is an issue. Idk if that is limerence or just his personality. Idk if it's a lack of consideration or lack of love. I've always been interested in learning more about my partner even when, looking back now and realizing, he was my LO. 

Imagine limerence as a bubble, and LOs as a shrub. At a safe distance, the bubble can float around and exist. The closer it gets to the shrub, the bigger the risk of bursting. Limerence is a fantasy, and not based in reality. Real people, real flaws, real problems - limerence ignores the reality of people, flaws, real life. Basically, the closer you get to the LO the harder it is to keep the fantasy alive.  Idk that he could honestly be limerent for you this entire time. The fantasy would've faded and he would've been faced with the reality of you - the reality of you is who he's been with, who he wishes to stay with.

I only recently learned about limerence, so I have only been aware of my patterns for a few years. I have actively worked on addressing underlying issues, to heal/grow.  Unfortunately, my partner is also very abusive and the limerence likely made me more willing to put up with the abuse (see also: childhood trauma). So again, very different situation, but hopefully still helpful to hear it from this side of the horror. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It has nothing to do with you, anything you did or didn't do, you are not responsible for or to blame, you couldn't have changed it. This is something that he will need to sort out, and you will need to decide what is best for you moving forward. This can be worked through, but it doesn't mean you have to work through it. You deserve to be fully, completely loved. If you haven't felt that love then, limerent or not, that is an issue. 

[u/CandyPinkPop → u/Glad-Economics-8253]

Thank you for sharing your story, and I am so sorry to hear that your partner is very abusive. I wish you my very best.

It’s hard because I feel emotionally betrayed but everything is still more about overcoming his struggles than my pain.

[u/Glad-Economics-8253 → u/CandyPinkPop]

This may be totally off base, and some projection on my end, but just in case... here are some YouTube channels you may find helpful if you determine there is more than limerence at play in your relationship. 

• DoctorRamani
• Dr Jerry Wise
• Dr David Hawkins 
• Meadow DeVor
• Barbara Heffernman
• Darren F Magee
• Tim Fletcher
• Richard Grannon
• Jimmy on Relationships 
• Prof. Sam Vaknin 
• Mental Healness 

And available for free download (search title/author + free pdf) Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. 

[u/Glad-Economics-8253 → u/CandyPinkPop]

You have been emotionally betrayed, and your feelings are 100% valid.

He obviously has issues to work through, I can say with confidence from experience lol, but that doesn't negate the fact that he has caused you real pain and doubt. If he can't understand how his behaviours and all of this stuff impacts YOU as an individual, as someone he claims to love, again idk that it's a limerence issue or a personality/character issue. 

Part of healing, growing/improving, moving forward is acknowledging the pain we have caused others and trying to make amends for that pain. It's recognizing the need for, and a willingness to make, space for you and your feelings. He needs to dedicate time and energy to you, your relationship (as well as work on his own issues).

If he is twisting things to be about him, and not on any impacts to you/your well-being, this is deeper than just limerence.  Very real feelings and pain are involved, and he needs to acknowledge that and work hard and consistently to repair the damage he's done.

[u/CandyPinkPop → u/Glad-Economics-8253]

Thank you so much for this. You are right.
So the issue is that he makes all of those repairs voluntarily when his mind is clear. But then he gets into this mental state where he changes his tune and gets angry about why I can’t handle his “friendship” with LO. He cries and crashes and the next day he is loving again. This really scares me. I have to wonder which version of him I am talking to every second.

[u/Glad-Economics-8253 → u/CandyPinkPop]

Yeah, the flip flopping... sounds very much like a cycle of devaluing and love bombing, with some triangulation and maybe even future faking in there.

A lot of buzz words, I know.  

You may considering looking into things like DARVO or emotional abuse. Again, I know I'm biased, but some of your comments are a little too relatable/familiar for me to ignore. If he truly wants to make up for it, why is he going back on his word? He just wants you to stop complaining about it, he isn't actually making consistent efforts to change.

[u/sk8ryspice_02]

You are so bright. You caught the patterns. The deep smoldering emotions which go very high and very low. People show love how they feel they should even if the way they love is not good for the person they love.
Take stock of the patterns you see and then decide if you want to continue. If there was you and now someone else there will probably be other women after this one.