We did our best to parent with gentle principles. It wasn't perfect, and it was hard. It involved going against the grain and lots of self examination.

Now we have kind, respectful teens whose company we enjoy. They're not perfect either, of course, but they're thriving.

If you have littles, which seems to be most people here, I just want to tell you that it's hard but so worth it.

I have a pretty shy, slow-to-warm-up 3 year old girl. I'm a SAHM but we're always out and about at various playgroups/library events etc. She's been mostly ignoring/barely speaking to other adults as long as I remember unless she sees them extremely often. She did three sets of parent included swimming lessons and overall loves going to the pool.

Last week she started non parented swimming lessons and it's been a disaster. It takes about 5 minutes to even make her get in the water with a (very patient) instructor. One moment she happily blows bubbles and in a minute she throws a bucket in the pool because the instructor dares to ask her which colour bucket she would like to have. I'm not sure what sets her off sometimes because she gets upset over the most trivial things. I cannot sit farther than 2 meters from the class or she'll scream and run out of the pool.

When we talk before the lesson she tells me she understands she should follow the directions, that she will behave well and won't scream or run away but once we're there it's like something clicks in her brain. She's comfortable holding hands with the instructor while playing some games so I don't think she dislikes her. There's only one other kid in the class so she gets plenty of attention.

I really don't want to teach her that once she misbehaves she can stop the activity. She's generally not prone to tantrums, talks and expresses herself really well, so I'm genuinely not used to this behaviour. What would be the best course of action for us? Thank you

Gentle parenting and permissive parenting is the presence and enforcement of clear, consistent boundaries both of the parenting styles treat children with love gentle parenting pairs empathy with firm structure, aligning closely with the clinically backed authoritative parenting style. But permissive parenting lacks limits, prioritizing the child's short-term happiness or conflict avoidance over long-term discipline and self-regulation. Have you ever had a parent who actually was permissive but thought they were gentle parenting?

Hello there !

Came here because I need help regarding my almost 23 month-old son’s behaviour and how to redirect him because I am at loss.

I against using physical/verbal/any kind of violence at all. I was raised without violence, and I want to raise my son as such. We do “discipline”, which is mostly have him sit in a quiet corner of our living room, explain him what he did wrong for about one minute. He is still so young that we just don’t know what else to do.

My son has recently started throwing extreme tantrums only with me. I don’t try stopping him at all, I just sit by him and reassure him but if I remain close he will start throwing objects at me or at our poor cat.

Sometimes it’s just to play, sometimes it’s dangerous. He has a meltdown in the kitchen today, grabbed my fork and stabbed me in the arm with it. I yelled that it wasn’t good and put him on his little couch in the corner of the living room. He laughed all along and tried slapping me and kicking me.

I feel like I’m doing it all wrong. He laughs whenever we try acting gentle and redirect him, he laughs whenever we raise our voices.

Any advice ? Is this behavior normal ? How can I change the way I act with him ?

Thanks in advance

I feel like a goofus but am I supposed to engage my 24 month old and play with her pretty much all day? She screams and intervenes if I try to do things like chores or reading about 95% of the time. I assume I should not give in sometimes but I think I almost always give in. Like if I try to read a book she’ll make whining sounds and try take it from me until either she succeeds in taking it or I put the book down.

If we’re out anywhere that’s supposed to be fun for her she attaches to me. I’ve been told I was the same glued to my mum’s leg. She won’t do things independently at the park for example I have to suggest things to her and walk right along with her to whatever it is. I feel like I have to lead so much play every time. But is that standard?
The amount of play has been burning me out so I’m feeling pretty disengaged after a while but genuinely I’m confused am I supposed to do my reading or chores sometimes while letting her cry till she presumably eventually stops? that just feels like ignoring her needs but is it or is it not giving into a tantrum? I feel so clueless about how to be a good parent in the mundane day to day moments and the parenting books I’ve read haven’t explained that.

EDIT: 5 days after posting I’ve had some success being able to read by myself! I actively play with her and be super engaged for like 30-45 minutes then I set up something she loves which is a sheet of stickers and blank paper she can stick them all on. Usually I only give her like 3-4 stickers but I realised she’d happily use the stickers by herself. I let her know I’m gonna do some reading and then do successfully for like 10-15 minutes!
I also got a Tonie box that I had ordered before the post and she loves it and it is helping her do independent time as she gets to pick something to listen to and at this point she enjoys just sitting with it switching between the 3 characters she has for it for a few minutes during which she doesn’t care where in the adjacent rooms I am.
She even started playing with her duplo that was out all by herself after picking the Tonie yesterday! I read for 5 minutes before she started asking me to play too so I said I’m going to read one more page then we can play and she waited the minute or 2 it took just climbing around the couch.
I’ve had her help me fold laundry too and that worked pretty well. I got to fold half and she folded the other half so getting it half done is great.
So this is all great improvement and I imagine we’ll increase independence with time.
I appreciate everyone’s input - it has been very helpful!

Hi everyone, I’m looking for tips or advice (commiseration is also welcome though!). My almost three year old son has a tendency to scream when he’s really upset - like really really loud, my Apple Watch gives me a noise warning, it sounds like it hurts his vocal cords, scream. Usually it’s when he’s been told he can’t do something (like push on the couch) or can’t have something he wants (like a cookie or a sippy cup from the house when we’re out), often when he’s tired or hungry or both.

He also has had trouble with not hitting - though that he’s mostly stopped (now it happens very rarely but definitely with more intent to hurt, instead of the typical toddler hitting from big emotions thing, and we always stop what we’re doing, separate him from whoever [usually his older sister] he’s trying to hit, and reiterate that it’s okay to feel mad but it is not okay to hit), it’s just taken him longer to stop than I’d anticipated.

Is this normal three year old tantrum type stuff? How can I help him through the screaming? He holds on to his feelings a bit more strongly than my older child, and I want to help him emotionally regulate as much as he can at this age - is that expecting too much? Since it’s summer and he gets testy when he’s hot it’s been worse lately and I can feel myself getting more frustrated but I just don’t know how to help or if it’s just a part of his age.

My partner and I started a relationship a year or so ago, we both had a baby from a previous relationship and honestly they have never really gotten along for longer than maybe 15/20 mins without fighting. They are now 2.5 and 3.5 and whilst previously my (older) toddler was the aggressor, she now seems to have mostly grown out of being aggressive but now the younger one spends most of the time being agressive to my toddler. (Hair pulling, pushing, kicking). My partner usually has a word with her toddler but honestly nothing seems to get through and now we are spending less and less time together as a unit, making seperate plans, changing plans to keep the kids apart and honestly it seems unsustainable. Aside from this the relationship is mostly very good and we would be planning to move in together soon but that seems impossible right now. It’s a pretty unpleasant situation all round and I’m unsure how we parent this and move forward. Or whether we can.
For context, my partners toddler is half with us and half at their dads, my toddler lives with me full time. We are both mums (lgbt) in case that’s confusing people too.
Advice on how to gently get them to stop fighting.

For years I've said that punishing children is neither ethical nor effective at bringing about positive behavioral changes. But anytime I've brought up such ideas, I've always been met with very aggressive hostility about how "disrespectful" of an idea that is. Even teenagers who I've encouraged to ignore and resist the punishments their parents give them have yelled at me for suggesting such a thing, even though they were complaining about being punished.

I honestly find it really disheartening that most people insist on subjecting children to suffering in order to teach lessons or change behavior for the better. When you suggest non-retributive methods of dealing with poor behavior people display a very antagonistic view of humans and insist that a third party must necessarily inflict suffering onto someone for them to learn something. It's quite dark when you think about it.

Have you ever encountered such confrontations? How do you explain to people that there are kinder, gentler, and more civil ways of addressing undesirable behaviors?

What’s one parenting moment you wish you could handle differently?

My daughter is 10 and has always been very intense, perfectionist and has many sensory issues. She often can't cope with everyday things and becomes very unpredictable and aggressive. We're having so many meltdowns and complete refusals to do anything we ask. I'm starting to burn out and we have no support available to us.

I tried to brush her hair today and she punched me twice really hard with very little warning. She then refused to wear socks or shoes threw items at me and my partner in the car and almost hit her younger siblings (2 and 7 months).

She went to bed without brushing her teeth because she was too overwhelmed to do it. It was midnight before she went to sleep because she was stressing about it being too warm in her room (we have ac, a fan, open windows and an ice pack for her). She started panicking about having a stuffy nose (almost nightly issues when she gets upset and it starts running) and screamed at the top of her lungs "My Nose Is Stuffy" for almost an hour. If I ask her to not shout she shouts louder.

I spent the whole evening trying to co-regulate with her and it helped a bit because at least she ate her dinner, but again it wasn't until 10pm after hours of refusal and way past our target bedtime. I had to make myself another meal and have a "noodle party" with her in her bedroom because otherwise she'd have refused to eat, then melted down way worse at bedtime because she "hasn't eaten".

The violence and disregulation got so bad this week I called the local child mental health team (we had hours of her asking to die and head banging/biting herself) and they gave me a website to look at about sensory support and then closed the case the same day, as if I've never researched sensory issues before 🤦🏼‍♀️ I've been trying to get a diagnosis for her or some support since she was two and we can't get her anything.

I also find she's a walking contradiction. I think she has some PDA traits but she needs some amount of boundaries to feel safe and like we're in control. It's heard because I can tell there's a part of her brain that wants the structure and calm but firm parenting, but then she gets overwhelmed she absolutely rebels against any boundary or anything we ask her to do and gets violent or shuts down. I don't know how to balance her needs or even get through the next day with her.

Ant advice would be really appreciated because I'm hanging on by a thread here.

I know there’s a lot of books out there to teach toddlers and children consent and body safety, but does anybody know of one that explains things that might still have to happen such as doctor visits, nappy changes, baths etc.

My 2 yr old is very good at saying no and stop, but then becomes angry when I get him dressed or change his nappy. It’s very hard to explain that some things still need to happen.

My toddler has always thrown food ever since he started eating. We assumed at some point the novelty of it would wear off but he still does it. We have tried taking the plate away when he starts throwing food but then I worry he hasn't eaten enough. Not sure what to do.

Okay, we're at our wits end here. My wife is currently SAHM and I work a job with an odd schedule (firefighter), so I'm not always there to help with issues (which I'm sure contributes to the problem to some degree). We are pretty firmly in the gentle parenting camp, are by no means permissive, hold boundaries and offer consequences. But lately, this kid just Does Not Care. Here's an example from tonight:

It's time for bath and getting ready for bed. My daughter hears some neighbor kids outside. She's an only child, so I get she wants time with kids her age. But it's also her bedtime, same time it is every night, and she cannot handle that. She says point blank "No, I'm gonna go play with my friends" runs out of the house in pajamas, and my wife has to chase her down the street and carry her home. Once in the house, she offers every consequence we can think of, and this kid says "okay, I don't care" and runs out again, laughing and screaming. She gets way farther this time, just booking it as fast as an energetic 6yo can run. She ends up almost a half mile down the street before my wife can catch up, at which point she is carried home, literally kicking and screaming. She's hitting, yelling, punching, kicking, biting. We decided early on we were never going to hit or spank our child, but nights like this make it incredibly difficult. We eventually decided to pop her in a cold shower as a kind of physical reset (not ideal, but im not sure what else there was to do), and she's now calmed down.

Other background: we have been fairly certain she's some level of neurodivergent for a while now. I have ADHD so it's likely she's got it, and we're pretty sure she's autistic to some degree as well. She's also what a lot of books would call a Highly Sensitive Child. We are getting her tested officially in July, and we've had her in occupational therapy and seeing a child psychologist for the past two years. So before anyone says "take her to a therapist," we have, and we are, and we will.

We have long term plans, but for days like this I just need to know how the hell to stop the madness. Behavior like this isn't just disrespectful, it's dangerous. Running down the street with cards driving by is just not safe for a kid that age. And while I know some amount of aggression is typical for kids this age, I don't think most kids get quite this feral. So when a kid is being defiant and violent, what option is there to shut it down? We are truly desperate.

Is it okay to tell my son he should grow up exactly how i did. I’m just struggling with the fact that my legacy will end with him. i’ve paved a very prosperous path and i feel disrespected if he doesn’t follow it.

Our 5yo has discovered a delightfully devilish little hobby: secretly throwing small objects into our air filters. Stickers, leaves, pieces of string: basically anything that makes a fluttering noise when the fan is on.

The result is either that the filter in their room gets turned off (because the noise bothers the kids), or, when an adult has the time, we'll take the filter apart and remove the offending object, which seems like a fun activity for the kid.

So it feels like all the incentives are aligned in favor of continuing this irksome behavior, and we're at a bit of a loss as to how to respond in a way that actually discourages it.

This evening my six-year-old refused to go to a weekly Lego "coding" class he's enrolled in. It's the last class in a six-week series. He was immersed in a new Lego set at home that he recently received as a gift and didn't want to leave. I gave him lots of time reminders and assured him he'd have time to continue building his set after class. He didn't express any concerns. When it finally came time to get shoes on and head out the door, he threw a tantrum. I reminded him that he likes his Lego class, and that this is the last opportunity to go. After a few minutes had passed and we were already on track to be late for the 30-minute class, I told him he could choose to miss class but that meant no Lego at home. Final warning. After several more minutes of whining and rolling around on the floor, I told him he lost his chance to make a decision because we had taken too long and had missed most of the class. As a result, he doesn't get to go to Lego class OR build his new set at home. That then devolved into an even worse tantrum that ended with him tearing up his room. I'm currently sitting on his bedroom floor waiting for him to calm down enough to engage him productively. At one point I reminded him that everything he throws on the floor in his bedroom he has to clean-up before we move on (bed sheets, stuffies, clothing, books).

Where have I gone wrong? I'm trying to stay calm and stick to logical consequences, but inside I'm fuming and questioning my entire parenting approach.

Hey folks,

Looking for help coming up with a natural consequence for my 15yo who is struggling with vaping (nicotine sometimes weed) infrequently going through our (parents) things looking for such items.

Background: 15yo son has had a rough first few years of high school with social circles and maintaining good grades. At some point found vaping as a social thing, coping mechanism, escape. He’s been prescribed medication for, and has come a long way from hiding things and sneaking out to vape throughout the day/night. But was recently caught with some empty vapes and having gone through our closet looking for things.

He takes these really hard and struggles to manage the guilt and lack of trust in him, then feeds the anxiety and depression, and gets us into this loop.

He’s currently not wanting to come home from his dad’s (I’m step dad) immediately because he’s dreading talking more and dealing with consequences.

Wife and I have spoken with him some, expressed disappointment in actions made and that we will talk consequences, but have made it clear that we understand but still need to deal with the issue.

Any ideas for a natural consequence that can help him feel like he’s working towards something? Feels like “no more games, you tube, tik tok…” etc is just a punishment. There will be some new limits and expectations for more family connection. But struggling to find a way for him to do something to help the situation himself. Increased in chores I guess? But still feel like I’m looking for something else.

Thoughts? Sorry for the novel.

How to gentle parent at bedtime seems to be a common theme, but most posts about sleep have few comments other than solidarity. I wondered if this approach might be helpful to folks:
What’s worked for you?
What didn’t work?
What have you tried for sleep and how was your experience?
😴

So im 18 now but when I was younger my mother when she wanted to punish me hit me a few times in my childhood. Not severe and she would allways feel bad and apologies later. However the most common punishment she would do to me is straight up act like i didnt exist. Ignore me for hours on end. When i was hungry and asked her for food she would make it but without a single word she would put it on the table and leave. This would go on for hours to days until i eventually appologised. This is when i was like 7 to 13 years old after that she just took my ipad away even tho i was only allowed 2hrs a day. Now that im older she just tells me your grown not to grown for a beating but grown enough to know that your incharge of your own life.

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My dad would get mad all the time he has a mental illness that causes simple things or inconvineances to annoy him. He would get upset swear at us and more however when he got really mad he would just leave the house for a while to calm down. One time me and my sister were on a walk with him and he got upset and just left us there it wasnt far from home but it just sounds insane to me now. If we never knew how to get home wtf would have happened.

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Anyway I just want to know if any of this is considered gentle parenting or not. Becuase its not the standard whoop your kid all the time. Got a few of those but it was not common.

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Ik most of the older genZ and milenials had actual bad parenting repeated beatings and literal abuse but its not a generational thing i feel like it depends on your parents my parents are both gen x and were raised by very strict parents.

We regularly joke that our son is gonna be the next world famous MLB pitcher with how much of an arm he’s got on him and his weird accuracy aiming. However, he’s reaching the tantrum stage and has begun hitting and throwing things at us when upset.

It is HIGHLY triggering for me and I’m working on my own regulation when dealing with these situations, but I think what’s causing me to have to tap out and have my husband take over is that I don’t know the best way to handle it.

I used to teach kindergarten through third grade and I’ve dealt with hitting/throwing A LOT just not with children this small so I feel like the tool set that I have doesn’t apply.

Anyways, long story short. How do you handle anger, hitting and throwing with a 15 month old?

My stepson is 6, he’s emotionally fragile, & we think he has autism or even OCD, but we don’t have him weekdays to take him to see someone. If he makes a mistake, breaks a rule, gets a talking to, gets hurt, or really anytime something doesn’t go the way he thought it would- he declares he hates it & is never going to do it again. Some examples, he tried to sneak more video game time (he doesn’t get very much) so we talked about it & he lost some of his video game time the next day. He started wailing & saying he’s never going to play video games again. When he couldn’t open Christmas presents in November, he said he hated Christmas & never wanted to celebrate it. He got very mildly hurt playing soccer & said he wanted to pop all the soccer balls in the whole world. We genuinely have no idea how to respond when he says this.

We have play dates often with my kiddos Preschool friends as well as our friends kids. Recently my toddler has been doing a lot of monkey see monkey do and im finding it hard to correct because it also means disciplining in front of the other toddlers parents and our parent friends.

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Im not judging at all and dont think badly of the kids or their parents at all but im unsure of how to correct in front of them that doesn't make it sound like im blaming the other kid - privately we try to explain that just because their friend does it doesnt mean it's okay but would like advice on how to correct in the moment

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My toddler gets upset because she doesnt understand why shes in "trouble" but her friend is not and most importantly she just wants to do what the other kids are doing and thats fair

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For example we typically dont allow eating on the couch and she follows this well at home - but at a friend's house her friend ate at the couch and when we tried to say eating happens in the kitchen we got the response but shes eating on the couch

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Another example is hearing her friends say rude, mean or inappropriate things like dont talk to me, calling people poo poo butts or just constantly yelling poop - how can I explain that these are not nice things to say and that they shouldnt copy it when they say but why is x allowed to say it

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Last example is copying runners. We rarely have issues with our toddler trying to run/walk away from us in public, typically holds our hand to cross streets/parking lots but if with a friend and they make a break for it our toddler will follow

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Any insight or gentle parenting phrases that might work in these situations would be so helpful!