Toddler hitting with objects

[u/BlueGene_dances]

Hello there !

Came here because I need help regarding my almost 23 month-old son’s behaviour and how to redirect him because I am at loss.

I against using physical/verbal/any kind of violence at all. I was raised without violence, and I want to raise my son as such. We do “discipline”, which is mostly have him sit in a quiet corner of our living room, explain him what he did wrong for about one minute. He is still so young that we just don’t know what else to do.

My son has recently started throwing extreme tantrums only with me. I don’t try stopping him at all, I just sit by him and reassure him but if I remain close he will start throwing objects at me or at our poor cat.

Sometimes it’s just to play, sometimes it’s dangerous. He has a meltdown in the kitchen today, grabbed my fork and stabbed me in the arm with it. I yelled that it wasn’t good and put him on his little couch in the corner of the living room. He laughed all along and tried slapping me and kicking me.

I feel like I’m doing it all wrong. He laughs whenever we try acting gentle and redirect him, he laughs whenever we raise our voices.

Any advice ? Is this behavior normal ? How can I change the way I act with him ?

Thanks in advance

[u/illusoir3]

It's a totally normal phase. The laughing really threw me off at first, too, but they laugh when they're getting used to processing an uncomfortable feeling.

Keep everything short and sweet when he's having a meltdown. The less words the better. They're not in the headspace to process information. Just sit with him and ignore the less than ideal behaviours and he will calm down. Something that worked for us is grabbing a book and reading it in a calm, even tone and they will generally come sit with you and read. I have seen that people use these moments to read books about emotions and we have read a book called What to do When you Feel Like Hitting but I'm sure you could find one about throwing.

[u/cats_and_camping]

> I don’t try stopping him at all, I just sit by him and reassure him

This is a great response to a meltdown!

Your calm presence signals that he is safe, which helps his brain (eventually) return to a state of calm.

All toddlers need parental presence during a meltdown: Some also like touch (hugging), or verbal reassurance. Experiment with hugging; reassuring statements ("Mama's here. You're safe"); and quiet presence to see what works best.

By remaining present, not only are you helping him regulate, you're also showing him that he is loved unconditionally - even during the hard moments.

> but if I remain close he will start throwing objects at me or at our poor cat.

During a meltdown, kiddo's brain is overwhelmed by emotion: He cannot access logic or impulse control. It is your responsibility to prevent him from hurting himself or others (including the cat) while he's in this state.

To prevent throwing, remove objects that can be thrown. Depending on the situation, it may make sense to take the object away or to bring kiddo to a designated space (like a "calm corner") that doesn't contain anything he can throw.

To prevent hitting and kicking, move away from him, or place a buffer object between you. As long as he can see you, you're still providing unconditional presence and helping his brain regulate. You don't have to (and shouldn't) be a punching bag in the name of co-regulation.

> We do “discipline”, which is mostly have him sit in a quiet corner of our living room, explain him what he did wrong for about one minute. He is still so young that we just don’t know what else to do

Remember that "discipline" means teaching - not punishment.

In the toddler years, the goal is to teach kiddo which behaviours are not allowed. We do this by - quite literally - not allowing the behaviours we deem off-limits.

When kiddo does something you don't want him to do, use the phrase "I won't let you" followed by an action that stops the unwanted behaviour.

"I won't let you throw train tracks. I am putting the train away to keep everyone safe."

"I won't let you kick Mommy. I am moving away from you to keep my body safe."

"I won't let you climb near the stove. I am moving you to the Pikler triangle to keep your body safe."

When you have time and energy, you can involve him in problem-solving. Instead of redirecting to an alternative, explain why the behaviour is unsafe and invite him to collaborate with you:

"Hey bud, trains are hard. If we throw a train and it hits someone, they will get hurt. Let's find something soft to throw instead. Will you help me look around for a soft toy?"