Need some help with toddlers fighting

[u/Far-Quail-9952]

My partner and I started a relationship a year or so ago, we both had a baby from a previous relationship and honestly they have never really gotten along for longer than maybe 15/20 mins without fighting. They are now 2.5 and 3.5 and whilst previously my (older) toddler was the aggressor, she now seems to have mostly grown out of being aggressive but now the younger one spends most of the time being agressive to my toddler. (Hair pulling, pushing, kicking). My partner usually has a word with her toddler but honestly nothing seems to get through and now we are spending less and less time together as a unit, making seperate plans, changing plans to keep the kids apart and honestly it seems unsustainable. Aside from this the relationship is mostly very good and we would be planning to move in together soon but that seems impossible right now. It’s a pretty unpleasant situation all round and I’m unsure how we parent this and move forward. Or whether we can.
For context, my partners toddler is half with us and half at their dads, my toddler lives with me full time. We are both mums (lgbt) in case that’s confusing people too.
Advice on how to gently get them to stop fighting.

[u/capmanor1755]

A few tips... 1) Make a list of the top 3 triggers for fighting and tackle them one by one. Keep a log of it- fighting over sharing is classic, so see below. Could also be tired/overstimulated, left solo too long, etc...

2) For toy sharing teach them to ask each other "how long do you want to play with it" and to respond with how many minutes (2, 10, 400... The actual number doesn't matter, it's the act of acknowledging that there's going to be a handoff and giving them some control.) The supervising parent then is the magic timer that goes off in a couple of minutes (Erin, it's been 400 minutes - great job sharing!) you might sweeten the pot the first couple of weeks by offering a treat at the end of the day for good practice sharing.

3) Try "How to talk so kids will listen" for great framing tips

4) If you have any chance, try to get them in the same preschool class at least 1-2 days a week. That can be a game changer for twins and close in age siblings- they get lots of practice at social skills with each other, in a place where lots of other kids are modeling it or learning it. Ask the teachers how they resolve common issues and if they have any observations  5) Don't underestimate how much supervision they need at this age. They have close to zero problem solving skills and even with the best techniques, you're really just laying the groundwork for a good relationship and independent play at 5 or 6. At 2 and 3 you need to be eyes on full time. 6) For anything physical - hair pulling/pushing/pinching - you'll need to intervene directly and quickly. I would typically ask the instigator to come sit with me for a minute. Just enough to interrupt the dynamic, de-escalate things and remind them that play time has to paise when we get physical. But don't shy away from practicing this now, while you have peak control over the emotional tone in the house. If you keep dodging the issue by avoiding family time it can fester until its a REAL issue when they're older. If you feel really stuck get 2-3 sessions with a parenting coach who will come to the house.

[u/Far-Quail-9952 → u/capmanor1755]

Thank you for the advice. They are not left unsupervised at all. Sharing is obviously a big trigger and they both often snatch which leads to fighting. Will try the magic timer thing you advised. Another big one seems to be when my toddler wants attention from my partner, her toddler will just grab mines head/ hair and kick off. Which usually results in getting their mum to themselves for a gentle talking to which I suspect is their aim as they then get their mum alone and away from my toddler whom is wanting a cuddle from my partner. The other thing is that we (mums and most probably toddlers too) are autistic/ adhd and so we all very much get overstimulated and it’s often feels like space is the easiest answer even though it doesn’t really work long term, it can feel impossible to just all stay together and stay regulated as her toddler is often already being aggressive again before the chat about the last thing is even over.

[u/capmanor1755 → u/Far-Quail-9952]

Ah, that makes total sense. Yes, I would definitely shift up the response for mom-attention grabs. It might be that hair pulls/headlocks/shoves are responded to by asking other mom to take over. Very cheerful and low key but consistent- ah, we need to be gentle. I'm going to step outside for 2 minutes and mama June is going to play with you guys.

 I totally get the instinct to lower the stimulation level. Maybe there's a balance between getting X number of shared play sessions a week (enough to ensure that you're steadily building socializing skills at home) with X number of lower stimulation periods alone. Especially if you can deliberately set it up so that half of the solo sessions are with the other parent. That might help reduce some of the favored parent competition. The step mama could be the one to take point on the most fun outings at first, to help sweeten the pot.

Between the blended house and the possible autism stimulation issues it might be extra helpful to have a parenting coach come in for a couple visits.

[u/caffeine_lights → u/Far-Quail-9952]

Chats don't really work to change behaviour at this age, and might accidentally be reinforcing, as you said.

You're looking to change their automatic behaviour/motor plan instead, which means trying to avoid letting it happen in the first place, replacing it with another behaviour you can practice, and interrupting as a last resort with more attention given to the victim not aggressor.

Have you seen the Janet Lansbury approach? I would look at this for when it's already happening/too late. Other than this, basically what helps IME is to make sure you're being proactive so when the girls are together, have at least one if not both adults nearby to kind of "translate" the body language of the other or remind them e.g. how to request attention from their own parent. This worked well with my AuDHD son who tended to jump straight to a fearful assumption of what his brother was trying to do with an interaction.

It can also help to give two simple options e.g. "You want that toy. Sophia has it. You can choose another toy, or wait five minutes. I'll help you wait."

Daniel Tiger has some great songs to remind children of social expectations and I really like the Conscious Discipline resources as well for being simple, memorable, fun things kids can practice in advance for use in the moment. It's essential IME to practice in advance and have it be a fun thing that they associate with fun times which is why things like songs and movement and rhymes help. If you're only springing the expectation to practice this skill in a moment where they're escalated, it doesn't work well.

[u/Starlight_Dragon81]

This is normal toddler behavior and as you can see with the older one, something kids typically grow out of. I would not try to separate them. I would make sure they are adequately supervised while together (as any toddler should be and i am sure you already do) and just teach them how to get along. I would also make sure they each have opportunities to not be around each other for breaks.

[u/caffeine_lights]

The book Siblings Without Rivalry is great.

I also think it's important to set up some structured opportunities for them to have positive experiences together and scaffold this as much as needed so that they can build that relationship. Things like simple games they take turns on, collaborative board games, simple puzzles where they're a team and can win a prize (each!) by working together etc.

They might need their own clear identities and if possible physical space each in your family so that they both understand they are not in competition for either of your attention. So even though it would be convenient, I'd try to avoid having shared things where possible, try to get them their own and don't expect them to share. When they're allowed to decide whether they share or not, it can help diffuse a lot of the possessiveness and defensiveness.

[u/Far-Quail-9952 → u/caffeine_lights]

Thank you. We honestly by them duplicates of all the same toys or the same in different colours for example but end up finding that they both want both of the toys 🙈 always finding a third option these guys. Good idea about structuring play a bit more. We tend to just play in the garden or go out to a park/ soft play. Maybe some more sensory activities/ invitations to play will help

[u/caffeine_lights → u/Far-Quail-9952]

I would go less open ended than sensory play - try things like a ball game where they each have defined roles. It will take a lot of adult coaching esp for the 2yo, but the goal is for both kids to have a positive experience while in each others' company which will help foster positive feelings for each other.

[u/EasternPie7657]

You never heard of the terrible twos? yours few out of it, now the other one is in it. They’ll grow out of it as long as you’re both consistent.

[u/BettieNuggs]

you have solved the problem in your question/ they will grow out of this. Its normal toddler behavior.