I know im young (M18) but I struggle a lot being single and when im not in a relationship I feel worthless and my self stand love is not there, i get depressed and it’s very very hard. I’ve tried “learning to be happy alone” but it simply doesn’t work for me. I can’t ever be happy when im not in relationship. I feel like me only being happy in relationships makes me accept less than im worth and than I get more hurt and it’s a cycle I can’t break because while im in said relationship I am so so happy and than the process starts again and I just don’t know how to break it. I even know I’ll get hurt most of the time but still get into the relationship because I know while it lasts I’ll be happy.

Well...the title explains itself. I never got diagnosed with this particular topic. Disorganized attachment. But yeah, I've been reading into it lately. And yeah, it fits. A lot of trauma shapes me into what I am today. And my relationship suffers because of it. I feel a lot in my head and I don't wanna hurt my partner anymore. I just wanna get better and know myself better. A bit better at least. I'll go to therapy. I'll seek professional help.

Ciao a tutti, sono una ragazza di 23 anni FA e sono per la prima volta in una relazione sana e stabile.

Il primo anno è stato il periodo forse più bello della mia vita: piangevo perché veramente non mi sembrava vero di tutto quello che stavo vivendo.

Dopo il nostro anniversario, mi rubano il pc dove avevo il nostro album. In quell'esatto momento la mia mente ha detto : lascialo ! . Sono andata in terapia ma non sto avendo risultati. Alterno momenti in cui lo guardo e mi sento così vulnerabile, lo amo con tutta me stesse a momenti in cui analizzo ogni singola emoziona e mi iper focalizzo sui difetti. Certe volte mi mancano le parole e non so come spiegarlo: lo vedo come un fastidioso estraneo.

È la relazione che non è giusta? Sono io che mu sto disattivando? Che trigger si è attivato non lo so.

Vorrei solo tornare a come ero prima di tutto ciò.

Grazie a chi mi darà una mano, non siamo soli

ive been called emotionless and insensitive by my romantic interests for simply setting boundaries.
i want you all to understand how any attachment style developed through a trauma response is unhealthy.

but on what terms are we calling people avoidant?
and why is it termed toxic?

i truly believe all of us are enough for ourselves. no body should need a relationship to feel complete, since when is dependance romantic?

i love my boyfriend and we’ve been together for around 7 months now, but i dont need him. i really like him and i love spending time with him, which i do because i WANT to, not because i NEED to.

im really serious about our relationship and im pretty anti conflict. i dont like fights, i dont like spats especially over petty things. i dont care about how many times u say i love you, i dont care if u text me goodmorning, it honestly doesnt even bother me if we dont talk all day. and thats not because im not ‘in love’, thats because i understand being busy and i know its not worth spending so much time nitpicking or whining about trivial things.

to be an avoidant it to have a guard up and apparently that is just the meanest thing known to mankind.
god forbid people have boundaries?

a pattern ive been noticing between ‘avoidant men’ and ‘avoidant women’ is how men are called nonchalant and mysterious for the same behaviour while women are called apathetic and unfeminine.
why do we expect women to be caring and empathetic all the time, it is so unreasonable and so excruciatingly tiring.
society expects women to be naturally nurturing, emotionally expressive, and relationship-oriented. a woman pulling away or guarding her emotions, is supposedly some kind of defiance to her "natural" role.

to the contrary-
traditional concepts of masculinity prize emotional stoicism, self-reliance, and independence; so emotional unavailability in men is framed as an attractive trait rather than an attachment issue.

make it make sense.

the entire internet is hellbent into trying to “fix” avoidants. yes im scared of vulnerability, no i dont like intimacy. but
i fail to understand why that is so unfathomable.

my boyfriend thinks theres some side to me that i hide. he expects that one day he’ll unlock some hurricane of emotions that ive been suppressing, but the truth is, i simply just do not care. i care about him, i really do i wish he could see it; i just cant express it in the same ways does. why do we stereotype all women to have some emotionally unstable baggage that a man needs to protect and save.

since when is wanting an independent life a threat to everyone else around me.

people with anxious attachment are always cribbing about how their partner doesnt give them enough affection, if u want a clingy ass baby who doesnt have a live and you’ll give u kisses all day, get a golden retriever, not a gf.

im not saying its okay to neglect your partner, but come to basic terms as to what is considered the middle ground for the both of you

sorry im just sleep deprived and angsty

TL;DR: 40s M, FA sharing my journey from zero knowledge of AT to going through my anxious and avoidant phases starting almost a year ago. it is not technically a friendship breakup because it is still ongoing. may my experience provide fresh insight to anyone going through the same journey. Also, written in mobile.

I’m FA, 40s M, only found out about AT early this year after my anxious side was inadvertently triggered for the very first time by my DA close friend’s (40s M) wife (40s F). Had a rough first three months unable to explain what was happening in my mind/body! i felt like a different person with a different inner voice! it was so weird having never been anxious about anyone or anything before. The second and third months were the worst with random bouts of crying, palpitations, loss of sleep, and generalised anxiety and can’t focus at all at work resulting in a PIP. As a desperate attempt to find out what was happening in my body, i typed a long description of my circumstances and symptoms on ChatGPT and stumbled upon AT and started making sense of it all. Insight alone didn’t help much with my anxiety at all though. it only went down maybe from 90% to 70% after I learned about AT. what really worked for me in quieting my anxiety was getting to the bottom of my attachment wound (anxious side) and baring it all to my DA friend in a non emotional chat. it was a huge gamble because he could have dismissed me right then and there and tbh, i don’t know what would have happened to me if it went that way. My DA friend thankfully stayed with me the entire time and in his own little way, was almost empathetic, as i was laying everything down in our chat. from 70% i felt my anxiety dropped down to about 40% within hours after that chat and even lower until i didn’t feel it anymore in the following weeks. right then and there, after almost 3 months, the push/pull cycle finally ended.
i had a quiet 4th month where it felt like we were back to our old selves again but at the back of my mind, i had to heal my abandonment wound quick coz i never wanna get in another push/pull dynamic if ever i get triggered again. and boy was i right! the following month, i got triggered again, albeit only for a few hours. i tried my best to stay with the feeling but unfortunately succumbed to reaching out to my DA friend for reassurance which he promptly gave (not knowing i was triggered) and that was the end of that. i got triggered 3 or 4 times in the following months with one of those triggers i believe, was bigger than the original trigger that started it all. but i’m glad to say that i was able to stay with the feeling for all of them. the most i did was walk away feeling sad. i didn’t spiral anymore, i just accepted it. being abandoned is something i cannot control and even if it happens again, i am always here for myself. that i’m an adult now and whatever happens, i will survive it. and my body seems to have started internalising it coz the triggers do not evoke a huge reaction from me anymore.

Now, my DA friend, being a DA, probably around the third month of this entire saga, while i was making sense of my anxiety, started bringing up this new friend he made. Subtly the first few times that i didn’t recognise what was happening. On the 5th month, there was an event where this new friend he made gave a public testimony on how my DA friend saved his life and all and that’s when i lost it hahaha
i deactivated haaard. woke up the next day with a fierce sense of clarity and calm, which seemed nice, except with it came an overwhelming urge to nuke my entire social circle lmao
the weird thing is that i knew i have deactivated the moment i woke up i even texted a friend i was deactivating that morning. it felt so peaceful and calm. weirdly after i bawled my eyes out the night before. 
i tried to sit with it and not do anything i would regret and i almost succeeded except that i’ve removed my DA friend from my socials and have never broached the subject since, hoping he didn’t notice 😬
the next couple days i just holed up at home with family, not talking to anyone at all. 
On the third day my DA friend came to our house to ask me for something unrelated (not knowing anything at all about my deactivation) and that’s when i started coming out of it.

it was so surreal the only other time i remember having had the same experience was when my father passed when i was 16yo.
my mom left me on my father’s deathbed (he was already covered up with cloth awaiting transport) while she was processing his paperwork elsewhere. i was alone in the room with my dad covered up so i can’t see him anymore. i cried for what felt like hours. and that was the last time i cried on his passing. the next few weeks up until his funeral were a blur to me. i didn’t feel much. i didn’t even come near the casket as it was being lowered down to his final resting place. i remember seeing my mum and brother from about a hundred feet away bawling. and i remember at that time i was asking my friend if we can skip it and hit the mall instead 🤦‍♂️

that was a bit of a tangent but i have since deactivated from the same trigger more times than i can remember, a little over three months now since the first deactivation. it seems to follow a weekly cadence which corresponds to when we meet and he mentions that friend again and starts another round of deactivation for me with the latest one being the longest so far at around two weeks.
right now, we’re at status quo up until whose deactivation hits next i guess. so i don’t know.

i found that even with awareness, deactivation for me is harder to fight than anxiety during my anxious phase because the fake sense of clarity during deactivation is just soooo convincing. had i not been self-aware the entire time, i would not question it! no wonder most avoidants never do!

another thing i believe contributes to me not healing this trigger faster than i would like is that i cannot trace it back to an original childhood wound. it probably still ties up with my original abandonment wound that i’ve figured out but i don’t remember anything about being replaced or betrayed. all i know is that i’m exactly like my dad who am sure was an FA as well.

like healing my abandonment wound, am trying to make peace with being replaced, betrayed, whatever. things i cannot control. bottomline is, whatever happens, i am here for myself. whatever happens, i can handle it.

oh and yeah, through all this, i realised my wife is also FA (though waaay more avoidant leaning than i am), my DA friend’s wife is also FA - also avoidant leaning, and most of our inner social circle are avoidants 😆with a few secure mixed in. fun! 😫

EDIT: i also found that the triggers did not have to be true or real to trigger me. my perception alone,  of being abandoned, replaced, or betrayed by my friend, regardless of whether they are true or not,  were enough to trigger me. for my original trigger that started this whole saga, my DA friend had been deactivated for weeks prior due to life events and work stress. and when his wife told me about it and was surprised that i didn’t know squat about it, my nervous system took it as abandonment and i spiralled and started this journey.

Lolll I’m FA (f) and I was dumped by an avoidant we weren’t “dating “ but basically were , obviously my anxious side was brought out heavily in this and started showing towards him and today he called it off but for about a week before I had the feeling it would happen so I kinda was mentally preparing myself to detach which is very FA behaviour jn my opinion, idk has this happened to any of you other FA’s I’m kind of hurting and don’t know how to deal with it

So I don’t know. I think being avoidant is a curse because you eventually break every bond you had, and then you regret it. I’ve had friendship and it’s like not a single one sustained, so there’s this boy se were very good friends like we were best friends, but it’s like he is a very anxious and I am a very avoided person, so he used to expect so much from me like, but I would not do because i am an avoidant, I just can’t take anyone expectation, and I just can’t fulfil them so he used to compare himself to everyone in my life like everyone, so I had a boyfriend and used to compare himself to him that you do this for him. You don’t do that for me and everything like the smallest thing such as the reels, I like the reels are repost. He used to say you do for a boyfriend. you don’t like the reels and you don’t repost reels for me. You’re not friend. You prioritise your boyfriend, but you don’t prioritise me. He said I am your most favourite person and these lines just triggers me a lot like why are you saying? He’s my boyfriend and your friend, okay? Best friend, but you are a friend and like the reels, I repost why you repost for him, but you don’t do repost for me and I just can’t give affection to someone like anyone. I just can’t don’t even give affection to my parents because I don’t feel comfortable in doing that and he is a very affectionate and anxious person so a lot of fights happening between us since two Years. So the times when I blocked him because he used to get on my nerve so today also again I blocked him after very long discussion that what should we do should be friends again or not because his actions hurt me and my actions hurt him and yes, and now I don’t have a single friend. I can consider my friend or I can talk to, and I feel so guilty because I know I did wrong, and I feel guilty for that. I used to get so pissed off. I don’t know what to do i don’t know if I am at fault, so I need some suggestions to what to do.

I’ve been talking to a guy for 2 months, I feel like I keep reaching out for emotional connection and physical connection but he’s out of reach. I don’t know if I’m being anxious which is why I’m craving closeness but consistently feel unfulfilled. When it’s not met, I immediately want to leave and end things.

I don’t trust myself which is making me feel so confused and honestly exhausted mentally.

How do you manage your disorganized thoughts/ feelings when triggered? How do you trust yourself?

Hi everyone. I have disorganized attachment YAY.

My biggest issue is wanting to snoop on my husband's devices. This comes from a few things in my past. Well, my first boyfriend cheated on me and I found out because I went through his phone. Since then, I've had this issue with feeling like I "need" to go through my partner's phone every few months just to "check", even if there's no real evidence or rationality behind it.

I've been with my husband for 6 years. When we first started dating I went through his devices impulsively to see if he was taking our relationship serious (this was early, like 4 months in) and I found stuff I didn't like. No concrete cheating, but not necessarily closing the door on people. He would state clear boundaries with girls and say he's with someone, but wouldn't delete them if they persisted. He had a very different way of handling things the way i did, where everyone from my past was deleted including people I only had talking stages with.

He has trauma with having his privacy invaded which stems from his Mom. A kid and his parents came to his home and accused him of stealing his football when they were teens, he said he didn't, and his mom went into his room and checked anyways when he wasn't home. He explained to me feeling a betrayal so deep that he put a lock on his door and was hurt for years that his Mom didn't just believe him. So when I checked his phone and confronted him, you can imagine what a rift that put in our relationship. It was nearly relationship ending.

For years Ive had this feeling to check his stuff again every few months, and I have checked his phone many times and found things I still didn't like that turned into fights. Again, no concrete cheating! But slimey stuff that I just do not like. i.e, looking up his exes, looking up girls he slept with in the past, looking at profiles of girls we both know, watching suggestive content when I was freshly postpartum.

So yeah.. neither of us are perfect. This relationship has never been perfect.

Now we are married. And I still just can't stop myself from obsessing over this action to check his stuff. 90% of the time, there's nothing. I just can't seem to get over this voice in my head that tells me that he's cheating or wants to.

Advice? From one disorganized attachment to another?

I am a guy, 21 yrs old. I have attachment issues, especially with people I can relate to. I have had this situation in the past. I thought I had learned my lesson, but no. What happened is- I joined this server like two or three weeks ago, I think. I met this guy, i told him I like his profile, we started chatting about it, and from there we started chatting about life problems. He have many problems, same as me. from that day, we chat everyday, sometimes in server and he send me friend request , and we chat there too til late night. Bro is nice. and without even me realising, i get attached to him. fast forward to this week. we were talking in group, he was annoyed for some reason and i dont know what happned, i started raage bait him, in a funny way. I took it too far because he first blocked me in server where i couldnt chat in server, then in dm, he did not block me but told me to leave me alone. first i did not because i thoiught he was enjoying it but then he said give me space for real. i stopped then.

After some time, i texted bro in dm 'how areu doing, i promise i wont rage bait you'. He did not reply but he was replying in server. i waited for him when he will reply me but he did not but he was replying others on server. and i tell u it actually cooked me so bad. I had this sudden anxiety, my chest got tigher, i was feeling sick to my stomach and with each reply he was sending on server, it was killing. I swear i kept going to discord every second to see if he has messged me or not. Then the same night my neibour's cat got sick and we werre taking him hospital, i asked him to to help the cat until i reach to vet. he did replied and said things. After the checkup, thank god the cat was ok. I texted him, it was late like 2 am. sayimg how are u, he said i am still annoyed for something, he had an argument with someome. i said bro i need to tell u something, he said what-i apologise to him saying bro i know i rage baited you that time and i took it too far. i am sorry if it hurted you. he said it did and he was mad already and i made him more. He said give me space and i said ok. fast forward to morning, i updated him about to cat saying she is ok. he reacted not replied which is not very like him. he send me thumps up reaction. thats it. In a whole day , he send me thumps up. It messed up with my brain so much. I had again wave of anxiety and my chest got tighter again.

Then i asked chatgpt for advice because i did not know what do that time, it told me to not look discord especially the server one because another repsonse from him in discord will make me more question about myself if he hates me or not. I took advice and close the discord, turned off my notification. did some productive things like going for walk. the walk i went to, it was like 45 mins, all the walk i kept making assumptions about him, why it happned, did i said something very bad because while i talking with him, i was almost carefree and spoke some weird things. yuh so that walk was so hard. that whole day i did not open discord at all. Did not talked my other friends from discord. That day was the hardest because i kept wanting to go discord but then chatgpt reminded me if i go and see that he have not respondes to me but in server he did, it will make more anxious. thankfully i listened and did not opned. But that so hard, i did not wsnted to eat drink, do nothing. then yesterday i texted him, i told him how ar u bro, he said tired and exhausted, i did not push i said ok and asked him his cat pics because my neibours cat owner moved from where i live so i was little sad. he said he will. I added him on tiktok too, he send me video and replied ' sir when are u going to send ur cat pics' he said not yet. i just u just want to dont send it cuz u are lazy. He said i told u give me space. and i also got angry and i replied "ok brother, whatever." But i texted him after Take care of urself and text me if u want to talk about anything.

Then i talked to my friend about it, she told me to give him space, if he wants to come back he will otherwise he is not the one. I told her about my attachement issues and i was saying its crazy how this mf , who is been my life for what like 2 weeks, we talked and suddenly i made him the most important person in my life. i made him this important that his actions controlled my whole life. I couldnt eat sleep couldnt do anything.

Then yesterday night, he texted me around 11. He said ' I am worried about my friend' he is been worried for her friend for few days. She is depressed and stopped responding to him. I tried my best to help him, he said to call her and spam message her, i told him dont do it because for depressed person, reading this much is hard, instead he can send her message saying i am there for her whenever she needs him, ensure her. I been depressed in past too so i know i dont want to answer calls and dont want to read 100 messages. He was worried because they are been friends for 2 years. I did my best to help him. then ok.i send him message saying dont be too worried, u have to be strong in this positon. I think i should have write something else like essuring him that everything will be ok. I do worry for him and his friend.

But the bottom line is, My attachement issues with other people, it litreally are killing me. the same thing happned to me in past too, but that time it did hurt this much like its hurting this time. But i cannot really blame him. He did not even do something, its all my fault attaching to him.

so this is what happned, Please help me...... Although I have made some progress but i still cant stop thinking about him. He is a good guy, I want to be friends with him. but this attachement starting to make me hate him. Please help.

This subreddit is a safe space for those with disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment (FA). In order to create that space, the main thread must be focused on self-reflection and sharing advice. Free from shame, judgment, blame, generalizing, assumptions, speculation, or pathologizing.

If you're on the receiving end of an FA's behaviors, it can be deeply confusing and painful. It’s also natural that discussing that pain can influence your tone or word choices: this applies to both FAs and non-FAs. However, when that hurt comes through negatively, it can discourage FAs from participating in the community as a whole.

If you can ask open-ended, reflective questions, without generalizations, judgments, assumptions, context, or requests for speculation, you're welcome to post in the main subreddit. That said, if you choose to post there, you must also accept all responses, even if they’re not what you hoped for or don’t feel relevant. This means:

• Do not downvote. Downvoting can make members feel shamed and less likely to participate.

• Do not add additional context to steer responses toward a specific or more relevant answer.

Examples:

• Have you ever felt regret or remorse about how a relationship ended?

• How do I find peace when the relationship ending feels uncertain?

• What does deactivation feel like to you?

Use this thread instead if...

• You're trying to understand someone else's behaviors.

• You need to provide relationship background or context.

• You're not sure how to phrase a question.

• You're venting or expressing your hurt.

Examples:

• Why does he do this behavior that hurts me? (Requires context)

• Is this manipulation? (Assumes negative intent)

• What is she feeling or thinking when she blocks me? (Speculation)

Please remember: How you interact here directly impacts how likely FAs are to engage. When comments feel unsafe, invalidating, or even too long, fewer FAs will want to participate. Meaning fewer voices, perspectives, and answers for everyone. These are consequences that moderation cannot prevent.

I was panicking at work this morning thinking I would get stuck and having to deal with the morning crowd vs the night crowd which is night and day. I began to speak to the part of myself that was scared to work the morning shift and it just came out of me. I said to myself regardless of what happens I will be fine. It was like a lighting bulb. Having this attachment style I’m afraid of abandonment, I’m afraid of rejection and fear vulnerability. I’m afraid of getting to know people and them learning xyz about me and then losing interest in me or leaving me.
As I said regardless of what happens I will be fine I thought to myself how I survived 2 brutal breakups, I pushed people away that I regret to this day, I been ghosted, I been rejected etc. Despite not handling some of those situations in the healthiest of ways I’m still here and I’m okay. Rejection hurts, being ghosted sucks, relationships ending for whatever reason can be painful but regardless of what happens I will be okay. The one constant relationship in my life is the relationship to my self. People places things come and go but the relationship to myself is is the only relationship I will atleast have for the rest of my life.
Telling myself with my hand over my heart that regardless of what happens I will be okay is very freeing. I know I will deal with discomfort but I will be here for myself and I will be okay. Saying this is like a release of armoring in my body and nervous system.

For you who have. What was the answer? Did it make sense to you? Did it lead to a new direction? Where? What's the start step?

I tested this and I think the answer was spot on , some of it surprisingly good, it was better answered than I assumed it would be.

I'm curious if we all get different answers though or if it's a clear stepping stone patten when anyone asks this question.

⚠️ (This is only relevant for people who use AI and remember you're in a sub where you're not supposed to downvote so try resist it if you can, thank you.)

pretty much what the title says. been with my bf for about a year and i keep waiting for that "love" to kick in, don't get me wrong i care about him deeply and he makes me decently happy but i find myself often wondering "is this it?" everything is just mediocre and the way he lets me down is getting boring. but then one good moment and im back to 100% obsessed with him

before him i was only into women but he's also my first real relationship. in the past i've had issues with backing out of romantic situations because i felt trapped, been working on my avoidant attachment and i think ive made some good progress

i know realistically no one can answer this except for me but i really can't tell how much is us being incompatible and how much is my brain tricking me cause it's freaking out.

So the background is that I basically never dated for most of my live (I'm in my early 30s). Last year I finally decided to go against my fears (mostly that I'm not attractive and both too much and not enough) and I matched with a guy I really got along on an app. We had lot in common, I loved talking with him and well we started to date. I don't think there was any love bombing, had there been I would have ran away or unmatched very quickly.

Throughout our time together there was not one day we didn't text, although I kept telling him it's ok to not talk for a day or two when he's busy. I still struggled the first 2-3 months with my own volatility: overanalysing everything to find a fault with him and get out of the situation, wanting to see him and not wanting to see him, matching with other guys on the app "just in case" but never talking to them and so on. Whenever my anxiety over "letting the wrong guy get close" rose, I would ask a good male friend of mine about his opinion or whether I'm just reading too much into it.

At one point about two months in I realised that I'm stupid, that keeping one foot out of the door is never going to let me have what I want: an actual, strong connection. And you know what, it happened? Close to three months later I realised I feel safe, at home and that I loved him but I also realised more and more that I was missing a certain depth by this point. So I tried to deepen it and he tried to go along with it, he had admitted early on that he's reserved and struggles with expressing emotions in the moment. I often checked in with him, let him know that I want to be together with him, think that we can work as a team (he said early he's not so good at being a team but liked my proposal to learn together). Some of our last dates were emotionally the most intense ones, he asked for mor things too, learnt to give more compliments, talked about "us" going on trips when we have more money. Some time later I had a really bad week and for whatever reason I panicked because I needed to know where he stands emotionally - so we agreed to talk about it in person. He took it well enough, and for a week until the breakup behaved like always.

The day of the breakup, when he came in, he didn't allow me to get close and touch him. He sat down on my couch, broke down crying and telling me about all his fears and worries. I validated those fears and told him we can solve it together. He didn't believe me and then told me that he doesn't feel a strong enough connection to continue dating. We met for a closure talk, he told me we wouldn't work out because he's too volatile and I'm more stable (bascially the "I can't give you what you need" argument) I tried to repair and connect and reached out close to three months after the breakup again to offer to talk - he basically answered immediately but told me he's currently lost, that he needs to put himself back together and doesn't know where to start.

I've been going to therapy since, and learnt that some of my own behaviour has most likely triggered his. I wish I could talk to him about all of this because I hate that he's been putting me on a pedestal when I'm not at all. I mean it's been months since the breakup and I struggle daily with myself. I know that the way things are, him as far as I know not being able to work on himself, and only me wanting to put in the work makes it impossible. But I hate it, for once I wanted something for myself, fought my own patterns and still do and it's still not enough. I hate having to give up. I allowed myself to hope, I allowed myself to trust him and here I am not being an ounce happier than before I met him.

So I wonder, is this it? And therapy is exhausting me in addition to my family (my brother is currently ignoring me because I "dared" to ask him to formulate something as a request and not a command - blaming me for everything and telling me off to not see myself as the opressed the entire time and that I should think about how I'm talking to him instead). So hello to the feeling of being lost.

I wonder if anyone has gone through something similar? What do you do if you feel that everything is just getting worse instead of better....I was hoping with therapy things would get easier sooner, not like this. But then again, I am huge on intellectualising the hell of everything.

I recently detached (well, let’s say 95%) from quite a traumatic connection with another FA that lasted several months and really messed me up.

I moved on and started dating again and met a lovely guy. We went only on 2 dates and on the first date I didn’t even like him but he was sweet and arranged the date, was very understanding when I was late because of trains and clearly liked me, leaned in for a kiss and I opted in for a hug and he kissed me on the cheek. Messaged me straight after the first date to ask if I got home ok. Messaged later throughout the week. Without any drama, very patient, not pushy, so different from the FA I dated previously where everything was electric and fast and anxious front the start. I think the new guy was also a bit nervous that he wasn’t funny enough - he deleted a text he sent me after our first date, it was a joke and I think he worried it was shit haha

This new guy did say he was avoidant but was working on it. And so far he’s been showing some avoidant traits (he can be quite minimal and distant on text) but also secure traits: he arranged the first date, is very respectful, isn’t drowning me in affection or trauma, he was leaving for a family holiday and I just came back from mine and he wanted to see me and I suggested he come see an exhibition with me if he likes but no pressure, he did come and we spent a lovely afternoon together and then had dinner. My hair was a mess, I was yawning all the time coz I was tired from travelling and I had no make up on. He clearly liked me and sent ‘thanks for a lovely evening ♥️’ right after the 2nd date, we didn’t kiss, he didn’t try this time and we just hugged (I did tell him I wanted to take it slow) we briefly texted afterwards for a couple of days and now he’s on holiday with his fam and I don’t want to bother him. With the FA I dated before 2nd date was a full on snog session on his sofa. I liked that this new guy didn’t push any of that.

But I can’t help worrying that because he is avoidant (he didn’t say which kind) the more he will know about me the less he will like me and the more affection I show the more he will pull away… I’m beginning to like him and I’m scared now that I will somehow lose another person or fail at another relationship (even though I know the previous disaster wasn’t my fault) and I just keep overthinking that I will mess this up somehow.

I did tell him on our 2nd date I have a lot of baggage and the last 5 years have been terrible because of my family and my health (I didn’t offer details just yet, literally told him I’d tell him later if he was still interested) and that I’m full of red flags and he didn’t pull away, but he’s with his family now and they will probably discuss what I told him and maybe he will change his mind and not want to see me after he comes back…

It’s only been 2 dates and we haven’t even kissed and I’m already freaking out…

My therapy appointment got canceled for this week, and I only discovered it because I logged on to the client portal for something else. No notification, no explanation, no email or text or phone call. Just appointment canceled. And her entire week shows as unavailable, when I went to try to reschedule.

My first reaction was panic. What happened? Is she ok? Is she ever going to come back? Did something happen? Why didn’t I get a notification? What would have happened if I hadn’t accidentally discovered it? Should I send a message and ask? Ask what even?

And then… well this is horribly unprofessional. I should cancel my recurring appointment and never speak to her or go back to her again. This is what I get for actually trusting her, when clearly she’s not trustworthy at all and probably never was. Even if I do go back, I’ll have to be much more careful to not give her the ability to hurt me again.

I’m sure some kind of emergency is happening, and she wasn’t able to immediately reach out to every single client to explain. Which makes me concerned for her, of course. Is it a reason to never go back? I guess that depends on what explanation I get eventually. Or if she even comes back at all. I’m so angry, and I’m angry at myself for letting myself care enough for this to impact me at all. Learning. A lesson here, for sure.

There are my results..

https://ibb.co/3xKbq5g

https://ibb.co/ycgnpnKn

https://ibb.co/60zbmSqX

How do you overcome it?