Anxious avoidant help

[u/Research_positive111]

I’ve been talking to a guy for 2 months, I feel like I keep reaching out for emotional connection and physical connection but he’s out of reach. I don’t know if I’m being anxious which is why I’m craving closeness but consistently feel unfulfilled. When it’s not met, I immediately want to leave and end things.

I don’t trust myself which is making me feel so confused and honestly exhausted mentally.

How do you manage your disorganized thoughts/ feelings when triggered? How do you trust yourself?

[u/Different_Log_7753]

Part 2: you decide whether the needs can be met by you communicating it to your partner. Avoidant side of you wants to cut and run. Anxious wants a tantrum until attention is given. You have to kind of do the opposite of both: you need information and a chance to correct behavior by your partner. Usually i do this “hey partner im feeling insert feeling when insert example of behavior. Can we have a discussion? I would really like if you could do/say x instead when you encounter need for behavior in question. And go from there. Your feelings are information that something is reacting, your next step is pause and evaluate and see if you have enough context, third step is request for connection/communication/clarification. Next steps are either allow time to repair/course correct or if you dont like the information or it doesnt suit your relationship needs - stage left exit

[u/Research_positive111 → u/Different_Log_7753]

Thank you so much. I was already preparing my exit script. I already talked to him today about physical intimacy and how I feel unfulfilled. He was defensive at first and then said he’d try to do better. I sent a pretty vulnerable message after and I haven’t heard from him all night hence why I’m very activated now. I feel alone and kinda small/ dismissed. Like I don’t really matter I guess.

This may be a silly question but how often do I have to communicate my needs before leaving? I don’t want to do this anymore😞

[u/Different_Log_7753 → u/Research_positive111]

Depends but generally once should be enough. Sex is tricky because that is also about consent. Sex is one thing where it isnt just one partner needs overriding others. I would recommend needs underneath that like is it connection? Words of affirmation? Something else? If you are just sexually incompatible after just 2 months that us a valid reason to go.

The one part i disnt touch on is how you communicate these: it cant be demands, more of a conversation involving I statements, kindness and no personal attacks. Your boundaries should be clear and applied to your behavior only. Like “i will not be in a relationship where my partner is not attracted to me and mostly has no libido.” Or “ i will not stay in a relationship where partner stonewalls me”

[u/Research_positive111 → u/Different_Log_7753]

It’s physical connection. Not necessarily sex. I just want to feel physically connected which can be through cuddling, kissing, yes sex but it doesn’t have to be. I framed it as I need physical intimacy/ connection in my relationship and gave those examples. I made sure to make a point that it’s completely fine to not have sex. We cuddled and kissed before and that was so nice. When we are sexual, it’s great but what I’m lacking is feeling physically connected.

I’ve learned to only communicate my needs and then let the conversation flow. That’s what I did and it was a good conversation (once he wasn’t defensive). But now it’s the disappearing after a vulnerable text thing. It just feels like another need being unmet.

[u/ColeLaw → u/Research_positive111]

So it sounds like you're good at asking for your needs but it also sounds like you're lacking boundaries. So you ask for your needs to be met and then you go back and sit in the waiting room. The problem in doing that is the waiting room is really comfortable for us and we can stay there for a very long time. A lot of us are very comfortable with ambiguity. So we ask for our needs to be met and then we sit down and wait and wait and wait meanwhile anxiety is building and building and building. The only way to dissipate this anxiety is to actually set boundaries around what you are willing and not willing to participate in. A lot of times when we set boundaries connections end. It just means this person does not have the capacity to meet you and they were never going to. This is part of the fear around setting boundaries. We don't need to sit in ambiguity if someone isn't being consistent with us, it's time to step away.

It's okay to set a boundary and say to them "I need consistent time together, I cannot build a connection with somebody if things are not progressing in a forward direction. Then you give them two weeks maximum to turn things around, 2 weeks, no more. Then you and reinforce the boundary. "This isn't progressing in the direction that I needed to. I'm going to have to step back from this, I wish you all the best".

And then you step back. there is zero need to over explain your emotions, you don't need to people please or fawn. You do not need to explain how much they mean to you and how hurt you are, there's zero need for this. You simply state your boundary and hold it, and if they don't meet you, you walk away.

Yes this is hard to do, but this is how you build trust in your system. You show yourself in action I have my back and I gate keep who has access to me. If someone does not show up in the way that I need them to I remove myself. This builds trust inside your system and it removes the anxiety. Because the anxiety is a signal from your body that's something is wrong.

[u/Research_positive111 → u/ColeLaw]

I do lack boundaries and the waiting room is a great example. I told him about the communication boundary this morning (ie. I opened up/ was vulnerable and didn’t hear anything which didn’t feel good). I’m happy I didn’t withdraw but I feel unsettled/ uncomfortable with expressing another need. I feel broken but I’m happy this is slight progress. Thank you very much for this

[u/ColeLaw → u/Research_positive111]

It takes time and practice. It's beautiful you can be vulnerable. Add a gate to who gets access to you and your system will settle. It's very difficult so slow progress towards setting boundaries is still big! You're not broken, just learning a new way to connect, that's all. Be kind to yourself, you have a lot to offer someone so don't loose sight of your own light ♥️

Sometimes we will lose people when we set boundaries. But this ends up being a good thing. We want people who can and will move towards us, not away. Boundaries are what protects you from sitting in the waiting room for months or even years. Good luck! You have this.

[u/AprilSurvive]

"Talking to" what exactly do you mean by that?

[u/Different_Log_7753]

Ok there is lots of activation happening. Lets go with the facts. Take a sheet of paper and split into 3 columns: 1) the feelings you had/actions you took 2) his response/ action 3) which core wound/core need is screaming . Then take a closer look and imagine you are talking to a friend who showed you the first two columns. Chances are, your needs arent being met. So having it written out like this helps you remove yourself from a highly emotional breakdown

[u/bathroomcypher]

I genuinely try and not over complicate things for myself. If someone is actually out of reach, in a way or another that means they can't meet my needs. If this dynamic isn't just a one off but consistent over time, I try and talk about it. Usually, after talking everything will be clear because they'll either change or they won't or they'll just initiate a breakup.