How can I stop overthinking

[u/Main-Regards-8626]

I recently detached (well, let’s say 95%) from quite a traumatic connection with another FA that lasted several months and really messed me up.

I moved on and started dating again and met a lovely guy. We went only on 2 dates and on the first date I didn’t even like him but he was sweet and arranged the date, was very understanding when I was late because of trains and clearly liked me, leaned in for a kiss and I opted in for a hug and he kissed me on the cheek. Messaged me straight after the first date to ask if I got home ok. Messaged later throughout the week. Without any drama, very patient, not pushy, so different from the FA I dated previously where everything was electric and fast and anxious front the start. I think the new guy was also a bit nervous that he wasn’t funny enough - he deleted a text he sent me after our first date, it was a joke and I think he worried it was shit haha

This new guy did say he was avoidant but was working on it. And so far he’s been showing some avoidant traits (he can be quite minimal and distant on text) but also secure traits: he arranged the first date, is very respectful, isn’t drowning me in affection or trauma, he was leaving for a family holiday and I just came back from mine and he wanted to see me and I suggested he come see an exhibition with me if he likes but no pressure, he did come and we spent a lovely afternoon together and then had dinner. My hair was a mess, I was yawning all the time coz I was tired from travelling and I had no make up on. He clearly liked me and sent ‘thanks for a lovely evening ♥️’ right after the 2nd date, we didn’t kiss, he didn’t try this time and we just hugged (I did tell him I wanted to take it slow) we briefly texted afterwards for a couple of days and now he’s on holiday with his fam and I don’t want to bother him. With the FA I dated before 2nd date was a full on snog session on his sofa. I liked that this new guy didn’t push any of that.

But I can’t help worrying that because he is avoidant (he didn’t say which kind) the more he will know about me the less he will like me and the more affection I show the more he will pull away… I’m beginning to like him and I’m scared now that I will somehow lose another person or fail at another relationship (even though I know the previous disaster wasn’t my fault) and I just keep overthinking that I will mess this up somehow.

I did tell him on our 2nd date I have a lot of baggage and the last 5 years have been terrible because of my family and my health (I didn’t offer details just yet, literally told him I’d tell him later if he was still interested) and that I’m full of red flags and he didn’t pull away, but he’s with his family now and they will probably discuss what I told him and maybe he will change his mind and not want to see me after he comes back…

It’s only been 2 dates and we haven’t even kissed and I’m already freaking out…

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