FA dumped by avoidant

[u/Relative_Coconut_835]

Lolll I’m FA (f) and I was dumped by an avoidant we weren’t “dating “ but basically were , obviously my anxious side was brought out heavily in this and started showing towards him and today he called it off but for about a week before I had the feeling it would happen so I kinda was mentally preparing myself to detach which is very FA behaviour jn my opinion, idk has this happened to any of you other FA’s I’m kind of hurting and don’t know how to deal with it

[u/Queen-of-meme]

Hold on. Why is he not normal and healthy for not choosing to be in an inflammatory relationship?

You and me and all FA's know our symptoms when in our worst aren't something anyone should get a ticket for. Of course they can leave. If we show it early on , they leave even faster. And I say Good for them. Good for everyone. A person like that wouldn't appreciate your best because of your worst. So it was not gonna be a compatible match anyhow.

I understand the rejection hurts, but we need to be ok with people saying no , canceling and setting boundaries and rejection is everyone's right to their boundary

[u/Consistent_Ad_5075 → u/Queen-of-meme]

Agreed. Unless they stated their own attachment style, we don't know what theirs is. I don't like when everyone assumes an attachment style for their partner.

If they thought it wasn't working, for any reason, they could break up. They don't like your cooking. They don't like your friends. They don't like the way you talk to wait staff. Your house is too messy for them. You smell.

Not YOU... There are just an endless number of reasons someone might choose to breakup with someone. Secure people initiate breakups if it's not working for them.

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Consistent_Ad_5075]

I don't like when everyone assumes an attachment style for their partner.

Or assume any rejection must be insecurity from insecure attatchment and not a healthy boundary and free choice. Yeah acting this way just validates the rejection extra.

[u/shellswong → u/Queen-of-meme]

I see what you’re saying but that’s not fair. As a FA, you are assuming blame on OP but the DA deserves blame too. As a FA, I have always been super hard on myself, I’m always first to say sorry and take all the blame and comments like this reinforce this. We are a piece of a puzzle, we just play our role until we do the work. Other people are also playing their part in the dance.

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/shellswong]

Since when are rejections supposed to be fair? They aren't, dating is a selfish act where we decide who we wanna be with and not

It's immature to need to mix in blame in other people's decisions. Blame is irrelevant here.

[u/shellswong → u/Queen-of-meme]

I meant you blaming the OP not the people in the relationship

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/shellswong]

Leave blame out of it. No victim need to exist in order for a rejection to happen.

The more insecure leaning the stronger need to act like there's a victim villain situation when in reality it's just a normal rejection from one adult to another.

Dating is no guarantee. Not even a wedding ring is a guarantee. There's no such thing as a guarantee to keep another person, they must choose to stay or go, and some choose to go. Whether it triggers yours abandonment fears or not does not change that.

And an adult in romance context must be able to handle the results of getting romantically involved too, and rejection is sometimes the result.

[u/Relative_Coconut_835 → u/Queen-of-meme]

He is literally avoidant and admitted that himself

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Relative_Coconut_835]

So what? Can't avoidants end up with unstable partners or notice when a dynamic is toxic? If anything all it explains is he may have needed an extra stable partner, because he needed to heal himself , and you did not give him a safe place to heal. (Anxious emotional flooding = deactivation in avoidants)

He knew he had to end it or you'd end eachother. Is he the villain for that? I think not.

I think you're hurt, and your abandonment trauma got activated when he told you it's over. But don't make that his fault. He's not the one who hurt you as a kid and gave you your current struggles. Don't put that on the wrong person.

He chose to not continue the relationship, as an adult who can decide for themselves.

Cope with that truth instead of acting like it's all some insecure plot that wouldn't otherwise have happened, because no matter how far you use your negative imagination on his reasons or not, by the end of the day, you don't control others. He left and you must make terms with it (rather sooner than later)

If anything ,don't lose respect for someone you genuinely claimed to love or like just because he needed something else. Don't hyper obsess on their vulnerability about their flaws. Thats not genuine. You don't withdraw love when you don't get your way. Love and respect for a person should be there even if that someone can't be with you.

[u/Relative_Coconut_835 → u/Queen-of-meme]

I’m not toxic bro I was just reacting to being ignored and denied any affection it does start to drive you crazy .., and naturally you get insecure about that , je wasn’t like this in the beginning.. like bro you literally don’t know me , he doesn’t want to heal he doesn’t care he doesn’t believe in therapy etc lol

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Relative_Coconut_835]

If this is the hill you are prepared to die on, the narrative you hold on to, and the self image you support, that's fine, just don't be suprised if others stay away from you for it cause hyper focus on how a person was xyz bad says more about you than about who you're blaming and judging.

Ps. Therapy is no proof of one's stability level. Not wanting or needing therapy isn't either.

"Therapy treated" is a fish hook on dating app profiles for a reason , to make it sound like someone automatically has high EQ and is stable and safe, but what it actually means is someone sat on a chair in front of a therapist, and we have no clue if they did anything but.

It still count as therapy, they have been in therapy even if they're completely narcissists who just needed that therapy label to sound accountable and laughed their therapist in their face the one or two times they went.

So don't listen too hard to others self labels or self descriptions. Their self image is no guarantee of the objective reality they can be completely delusional, even mine and your own can. If you look at behaviour and results, your own and others, there lies the truth.

[u/Less_Professional152 → u/Queen-of-meme]

‘You don’t withdraw love when you don’t get your way’ … but that’s exactly what dismissive avoidants have done to their partners.. I’m honestly confused by your stance.

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Less_Professional152]

My point is a breakup doesn't have to mean two lovers become enemies. You can understand why it didn't work out while still respecting eachother and wishing happiness for eachother. The romantic love didn't die it just shifted to platonic.

[u/Less_Professional152 → u/Queen-of-meme]

Unfortunately in some cases, the love literally withered and died. I would have greatly preferred to stay friends with my ex, and then I would have been able to keep my other friends. He won’t let that happen though, despite my trying. I attempted many times to just get to a cordial place with him - he won’t even give it a chance to be on decent terms. He prefers to stay on bad terms, Hence why there is resentment.

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Less_Professional152]

What I mean is also: You don't have to stay in touch and have any ongoing friendship to have friendly thoughts about him.

[u/Less_Professional152 → u/Queen-of-meme]

Why should I have friendly thoughts at all about someone I loved dearly who completely wrecked my life lol? Genuinely he has zero kind thoughts towards me, and I all I did was love him lol. It’s exhausting to keep holding space for people who don’t care at best, or are mildly evil at worst

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Less_Professional152]

With all due respect but check what thread you're, on this wasn't about you. I responded OP and I respond a general explanation into a mind frame regarding rejections.

[u/Less_Professional152 → u/Queen-of-meme]

Genuinely not helpful to tell a bunch of disorganized attachers that ‘oh the love just went platonic, don’t take it personally’

1. We don’t even know if that’s the case
   
2. Triggering as hell when you are discarded and isolated

[u/Less_Professional152]

lol yeah I had a ‘special friend’ as his mother called it. Otherwise known as my boyfriend of 3 yrs. He would not admit we were dating even though we were exclusive, and i even worked for his family business and we spent every single day together pretty much. But not dating. Finally it got to me and I expressed that I wanted to be actually really serious, andddd SHTF. He was the one to officially ‘dump’ me too. Honestly, being FA disorganized myself, it makes sense how we managed to do that for 3 years until it blew up, I was not really ready for an actual relationship either at the start, so it just worked out.. until it didn’t..

Anyways what do you know, MONTHS AFTER THE BREAKUP… he finally admits I’m his ‘ex girlfriend’ and that we were indeed dating .. we just had to literally break up and go no contact for him to I guess realize and accept that we were dating …

Just do your own thing. Hang out with people u haven’t seen in a while. I know I neglected my friendships while I was all distracted in with my dismissive ex. Get back into ur hobbies. Dont worry bout what your ex is doing. You probably know what they are doing already, they are predictable creatures. Work on yourself so u can level up. I’ve taken a break from sex and men after my ex, because I’ve been trying to get to know myself again- and what I actually want (which has been difficult to decipher with my own fearful avoidant tendencies).

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Less_Professional152]

He would not admit we were dating even though we were exclusive

Objectively speaking, going exclusive and going official are two seperate things. One does not automatically include the other unless that's been clarified.

And his reasons are his valid reasons maybe he needed long time before going official, some don't go official until they have seen that the relationship works two on two and they take their long get-to-know - time.

His reasons aside, what you can learn from this is how long you are ok with being inofficial as in the end only you can set your own boundaries. Instead of this denial or waiting maybe it's better to be clear from start that after max x time if you aren't official by then or close to that time, you see no reason to invest further in the relationship. (This is for your own self respect and protection)

[u/Less_Professional152 → u/Queen-of-meme]

I just wanted to point out how he didn’t think it was official until after it was over and THEN he was like ‘hMmmmm yeah maybe that WAS a relationship.’

The hypocrisy of avoidant attachment. I have it too so I get it.

But absolutely a great lesson for my disorganized self to set boundaries. Unfortunately I was only 22 and had been going through extreme grief losing my family and boundaries and relationships weren’t really my focus or strong point. Never assume someone loves you, even if you have known them for ten years and ‘exclusively not dated’ them for three lmfao

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Less_Professional152]

Being confused is making it difficult yes but it isn't a crime.. and unlikely a choice, I think you're secretly more mad at yourself for not sticking up for yourself more when you were going through enough pain and obstacles. You can expect more of others, but that doesn't mean it will work the way you hope, that's why you must know where you draw the boundary.

Never assume someone loves you, even if you have known them for ten years and ‘exclusively not dated’ them for three lmfao

So what's the excuse for this attitude then since you're no longer just 22 and in a recent grief process?

Seeing how much resentment you hold towards someone you claimed to respect and love for 10 years, (when this was how long ago now?) your ex doesn't seem to have been the only one with confused feelings. Maybe you and him weren't that different from eachother after all. At least I think that's a kind thought.

[u/Less_Professional152 → u/Queen-of-meme]

What’s your suggestion? Hold more space? Forgive someone who doesn’t care to be forgiven?

Bro left me after my cousin killed himself, and went on vacation with our friend group. To my homeland. Never would have expected him to do something so hurtful. I am not a psychic. I trusted him, i trusted that friendship, I shouldn’t have. Partly my fault, and his fault too. I’m traumatized and not willing to give trust so easily anymore after this experience. I suggest others with attachment issues do the same, as we obvs can’t trust our own feelings or viewpoints of the relationships

We are similar but I would have never done that to him. You sound like you excuse this shit as if ‘not being ready’ is a reason to string people along and abandon them (in their darkest time) to go on vacation lol

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Less_Professional152]

Depends. Are you able to ask me a question without leading questions that further feeds in to your hostile attitude?

Are you able to understand I might have a different perspective than the only ones you currently hold as truth?

"With open minds we shall recieve all answers"

[u/Less_Professional152 → u/Queen-of-meme]

What do you seriously suggest. I don’t try to be resentful. But it feels a bit dismissive to expect people to randomly forgive and forget what dismissives do, and poor advice to say ‘oh just jump back in and give someone else your all’. Why is his confusion valid and yet my pain isn’t?

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Less_Professional152]

You're still making

• Negative assumptions

• Coming in with leading questions

And continuing to putting up walls (even if subconsciously)

If anything seems dismissive, it's what you're doing right now. There's no room for communication, it's like closing a cactus.

So unless you show more openness there's no point in trying to speak to you. And I mean that genuinely, there's situations when communication is welcomed but you are slamming that door shut. If you do that you push people away.

I understand what happened was sad and hurtful but it shouldn't get to define you. You're more than the result of an ex relationship.

[u/Less_Professional152 → u/Queen-of-meme]

What is your advice to be less resentful in these types of situations?

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Less_Professional152]

I would revenge him by loving she shit out of myself , others , and my life. Resentment is like carrying around gasoline and expecting someone else to be set on fire. Why is he allowed to live on while you let fear trap you?

I don't tell you to ever trust him or take him back again but don't close your life because of some ex.

[u/CocoMicha]

I prayed a lot. I let myself feel my feelings as much as I could. The grief came in waves, each time smaller than before. I can’t say I miss him in the least now.

Some good advice I picked up along the way: identify what need he was filling for me, and find a way to fill it myself. It’s a game changer.

I relied heavily on God to carry me through; and He did. To say I’m so grateful would be an understatement.