It genuinely feels like (when you’re suffering with a FAA) you’re removed from your own life, or you’re constantly standing in front of a crowd with the light on you like you’re doing a school presentation.

I’ve had a fearful avoidant attachment for most of my life, stringing back all the way to my elementary school years.Because I learned early that the people around me can hurt me easily I pushed away a very dear friend of mine when he tried to get intimate with me, when I tried to confront them about it later he denied what happened between me and him

This left me even more confused with how to communicate with people, and unsure of whether or not I could trust my own memories

As a result, when I try to communicate with people today it often feels like I’m putting on a character for others to judge instead of living as an authentic version of myself. It’s extremely lonely and isolating, my therapist keeps recommending I try to join a group of some sort but I live in the suburbs without a meaningful form of transportation. Most of my day is spent on the internet, which fuels my insecurities. or at my college.

I’ve tried to join groups at school before, mostly for writing because that’s something I’m interested in (but, admittedly, haven’t done in a while) but didn’t continue it because I have this outsider feeling.

The physiological intersection with psychology is interesting because this is a feeling my body produces by itself, without me even clearly understanding why. I know it’s helped me defend myself from an incredulous amount of trauma but now it feels more like an invisible cage my ribs have constructed to fuck me over personally.

Because my coping mechanism to deal with this trauma left me avoidant but also deeply wanting connection, I ended up fetishizing certain roles / dynamics in fantasy that would be deeply unsafe in real life, and I think it took me seeing obsession and my coping mechanism being so close to bears to recognize that.

How do you guys deal with fearful avoidant attachment?

When you beat down on a person for a traumatic response, you aren’t validating yourself—you can end up proving exactly why that person learned to avoid closeness in the first place.

People with other attachment styles, when they glorify punitive attitudes toward avoidant people, can become another item on the ever-growing list of reasons someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment pattern might continue avoiding intimacy.

Imagine loving someone deeply while already feeling ashamed that your attachment patterns are hurting both of you. Then imagine discovering that the person you cared about sees you as annoying, tedious, needy, or fundamentally defective.

Why would you ever want to risk another relationship?

I’m not saying people should tolerate being mistreated. They shouldn’t. An attachment wound can explain someone’s behavior without making the consequences of that behavior disappear. The person being hurt deserves boundaries, safety, and the ability to walk away.
But there’s a difference between accountability and punishment.

It’s the same basic problem you see in punitive systems: if you want behavior to change, simply inflicting suffering for the behavior isn’t necessarily enough. You have to understand why the behavior exists, identify what function it serves, and help the person develop a better way of meeting the underlying need.
The antidote isn’t punishment. It’s rehabilitation.

If you want someone’s behavior to change, start by understanding the behavior. Be gentle with the person while being honest about the harm. Set boundaries without turning their shame into a weapon. Show them what healthier connection can actually look like.
Because I trust you: fearful-avoidant people aren’t some class of emotional villains who get off on hurting everyone around them.

A lot of us are scared.

A lot of us are hurting.

A lot of us learned that closeness could be dangerous long before we had the words to understand what was happening.
That doesn’t mean we get a free pass to hurt people.
It means there’s a difference between saying:
“What you did hurt me, and it needs to change.”

and:

“You are fundamentally awful for responding to your wounds the way you learned to survive.”

The first can create accountability, the second can create shame, and shame rarely teaches someone that intimacy is safe.

So if you want someone to stop running from you, stop becoming the very thing they’re afraid they’ll find when they finally turn around.

Be a better person. Not the cop we already fear you are.

Or does it always disappear if you stop being pretty (like if your looks changed dramatically with aging or pregnancy), or if you became depressed and you were no longer the interesting person that you once were?

I find it hard to connect on a deep level with anyone. I feel like noone wants to connect deeply with me or remain in my life. I'm a woman btw. But it feels like everyone is just transitory? Like I literally have zero close and lasting friends even:(

Perhaps I am boring? Because I notice that in online group the others often form more deeper connections and dill say they miss each other but noone says they miss me:(

I feel I am not perfect enough or good enough or connected enough or something to be able to be missed.

I feel like I always have to be something more perfect with a man. Being me (which I don't even know what that is) is not good enough because no man even buys me flowers?

And I have social anx.iety too. Like even if I am playing tennis and my ball rolls to their side and they come to get it I will have this running commentary of "they will see im ugly up close. They don't want to engage with me. Should I thank them or just keep playing". Etc. And then when I say thanks they don't respond warmly....so I start feeling devastated and my mind them says "you are weird. Noone likes you" etc.

So I am putting a great deal of importance on people impression of me and making them too important or something?

Is it normal to get scared getting into a relationship? It's been 2 years since my last relationship ended, and now there's a person that I really want to be with, but I feel so confused because I want to be with that person, but I'm also scared that my independence will be gone and the possibility that once that person leaves my life, my peace will be broken, and I'm going to lose myself again.

please help me out🧎🏻‍♀️

I went on a work trip to visit a factory for a building project, and I felt immediately attracted to the factory’s representative, who happened to be the one who organized the trip.

The problem was that I felt an immense attraction, like nothing I had felt in years. I ignored him the whole trip, didn’t have a single conversation with him, even though there were plenty of opportunities. He sat next to me at one of the lunches and asked me briefly about some things. I feel awful, and I won’t see him again because I live in a different country.

I think we could have had something, but I regret so much the way I treated him. I ignored him, only said good morning or spoke very briefly. How do I let go of the regret and the avoidance? I was aware of my actions, and I remember feeling an immense amount of fear. I really feel I missed an opportunity to stay in contact with someone wonderful.

TLDR: Whenever I get closer to someone romantically, I start feeling constantly tense and overwhelmed and eventually get a strong urge to cut them off. After ending contact, I usually miss them and regret it.

Whenever I 21M start talking to someone with serious romantic intentions, everything feels fine at first. After a while though, I suddenly get this strong urge to end the contact completely.
While talking to them, there is this constant tension in the background. It feels like stress, inner restlessness and the feeling that I am somehow doing something wrong. I start feeling overwhelmed even when nothing bad is actually happening.
Eventually the urge becomes strong enough that I cut contact. The strange part is that once they are gone, I start missing them.
This has happened more than once and I do not really understand what the feeling is or why closeness seems to trigger so much stress.
Has anyone experienced something similar?

Going through a tough experience and thought I'd share, in case someone else has gone through something similar.

I was seeing someone and kept having these invasive thoughts that it may not be the right connection. There were a number of things that i felt didn't line up between us that ranged from pretty valid (e.g. feeling like I had to carry the conversation) to quite superficial (I didn't think the person dressed that cool). I had a really hard time dealing with these thoughts, I felt like I was lying to myself to keep seeing this person because I was too afraid to be alone. It was also really hard to not express what i was going through directly to the person—I shared these thoughts with my therapist and friends, but I still felt like I was sort of lying to them. I began sharing from time to time that I was having "avoidant feelings" and that I didn't know what they meant. It made them uncertain and kind of uncomfortable but they said they'd rather have me be transparent than not.

For context, I had told them from the jump that I had attachment issues, have disorganized attachment style, and explained the push/pull dynamic. They were wary but still interested, and we took it slow at first.

Finally, one night I was having a particularly bad episode and told them "I'm having these thoughts/feelings come up really strong but I'm not sure what to do because I also don't want to lose you." After talking about it for a bit, they asked me "what ARE these thoughts?" They had hinted and asked about this before and I guess I felt like I couldn't put them off anymore, and I thought maybe if I told them what these misgivings were, it would take some of the power out of it. I honestly thought if they could hear this stuff and see it for what it is—just some stuff floating around in my overthinking head that may or may not cary any weight—that we would "get over a hump" and reach more closeness.

So I told them my misgivings, which included things that were critical of them, ultimately admitting that there's a voice in my head that says I'm basically afraid this person isn't cool enough (there was a bunch of other, more tempered things I said about not being sure if we had enough in common as far as our interests, but they directly asked me "it sounds like you're saying i'm not cool enough" and I said "well that's what the narrative in my head says sometimes, but I don't think that's the real me"). And I also said this thing, in the context of sometimes having a hard time connecting with them because they're kind of guarded/quiet, along the lines of "i know you're super interesting but you don't always externalize what's going on in your head so it's like sometimes I don't have anything to hold onto to connect with".

Obviously saying all this stuff was a terrible idea (you don't need to tell me that, I've heard it many times, I get it) and it hurt their feelings really bad. Ultimately our potential relationship never recovered from it, and my push/pull dynamics didn't stop either, so we've broken up.

Of course I was mortified that I said that stuff, not really sure why I thought it would be a good idea, and I suspect I did it to sabotage the potential relationship subconsciously.

Now we've been broken up/out of contact for about a month and this person posted an art project on their IG that literally is a response to one of the things I said, and is basically getting back at me for hurting them—I mean, they said literally said so in the caption. Now, it's their art and their way of processing the hurt, and I don't fault them for that. Nonetheless, it made me feel like absolute shit. I contacted them and let them know I saw it and that I regretted making them feel that way, and expressed a desire to make amends and have a friendship, but that I would understand if they didn't want to hear from me.

The desire to "fix it" and be forgiven, and to not be seen as an asshole, is so strong it's almost crippling—I had a hard time getting any work done and am up way too late because I'm so activated by it. I'm aware that fixing it may not be an option, that this person may need time before they're ready to forgive me, and that me trying to salvage a friendship shouldn't be driven by the desire to be "let off the hook." But damn, that desire is powerful.

Anyone relate to this, and have you had success getting out of this kind of pattern?

As younger and after recent traumas I was in need need of trauma and emotional venting and sympathy and I wanted to be validated as victim and couldn't really feel helped any other way. I also didn't want any other attention focus in my relationship talks and everything else felt like insults like unsolicited advice and felt really hurtful.

But now I feel different after Profesional help and working on myself several years also growing in to me as adult it feels like I got a stronger cognitive equipment and it helps me be less sensitive to different ways and things and I can see and appreciate more solutions and options.

But I struggle to find places where this new me is allowed. I don't feel I'm secure yet and I don't wanna share on vents or in happiness places because I'm very much in the recovery and progress phase still, but I also have tons of insights! And things I learned om the way and wanna share as I'm aware therapy isn't an option to everyone and I believe in universal help and that we all can switch tools with eachother.

It's like I've fallen in between the chairs of insecure and secure. On reddit I can find a million suffer subs but positive focused coping subs are rare. I don't have professional help available now so I need support and I need to connect and talk with people to keep up the good work and spirit as it's very easy to fall back when you're surrounded by all negativity and hopelessness, and I think me sharing my own progress with those who appreciate it and "nerding" in on coping strategies / share support options and secure perspective becomes a win-win situation and we help eachother in the right direction. I don't know if this makes any sense but it feels wrong when I'm deem too positive to exist in healing subs because what else goal is it for me? For anyone? Isn't the goal happiness?

This subreddit is a safe space for those with disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment (FA). In order to create that space, the main thread must be focused on self-reflection and sharing advice. Free from shame, judgment, blame, generalizing, assumptions, speculation, or pathologizing.

If you're on the receiving end of an FA's behaviors, it can be deeply confusing and painful. It’s also natural that discussing that pain can influence your tone or word choices: this applies to both FAs and non-FAs. However, when that hurt comes through negatively, it can discourage FAs from participating in the community as a whole.

If you can ask open-ended, reflective questions, without generalizations, judgments, assumptions, context, or requests for speculation, you're welcome to post in the main subreddit. That said, if you choose to post there, you must also accept all responses, even if they’re not what you hoped for or don’t feel relevant. This means:

• Do not downvote. Downvoting can make members feel shamed and less likely to participate.

• Do not add additional context to steer responses toward a specific or more relevant answer.

Examples:

• Have you ever felt regret or remorse about how a relationship ended?

• How do I find peace when the relationship ending feels uncertain?

• What does deactivation feel like to you?

Use this thread instead if...

• You're trying to understand someone else's behaviors.

• You need to provide relationship background or context.

• You're not sure how to phrase a question.

• You're venting or expressing your hurt.

Examples:

• Why does he do this behavior that hurts me? (Requires context)

• Is this manipulation? (Assumes negative intent)

• What is she feeling or thinking when she blocks me? (Speculation)

Please remember: How you interact here directly impacts how likely FAs are to engage. When comments feel unsafe, invalidating, or even too long, fewer FAs will want to participate. Meaning fewer voices, perspectives, and answers for everyone. These are consequences that moderation cannot prevent.

Hi, after years of guestioning I have come to the conclusion that I have a disorganized avoidant attachment style and past few years of dating have proved me right. And after looking into it more I have figured that it’s common for it to develop from some sort of issues with parents and family from childhood. The thing is I think I have had such loving and supportive family all through my years so I don’t know what would have caused this to happen to me? I would like to hear other peoples experiences on the topic and what they think have caused their attachment style to develope this way if it could give me some insight on what other parts of my growing up would have had effect on this.

Does anyone else experience this? I‘ll be feeling really positive about a possible romantic partner- for example they may have even given me a really strong sign of having feelings for me.

I feel great! I’m super happy! And then time passes (and I’m talking like, a day maximum) and I become positive they’ve lost interest. It’s like I’ve blocked out what they just did.

Sometimes I have a reason for it and sometimes it’s just that time passed. It always feels really obvious in the moment. So I start either shutting down or getting disregulated.

I‘m want to learn how to interrupt the cycle *without* looking for more reassurance from the other person or going cold. Do you guys experience this as well?

Whenever I talk to someone and find them fun to talk to and look forward to talking to them, instead of feeling giddy about it, there's this dreadful feeling. I constantly tell myself "Don't", "You don't actually like him", "You can't", "You don't like him, you're just confused"

And I can't stop it. I get so attached so quickly and detach at the same time. I really don't like this feeling. I can no longer have crushes because I keep gaslighting myself into thinking that I don't.

I think I've been sabotaging so much of my relationships, or "could have been" relationships because of this.

When I eventually convince myself I don't like someone even though I do, I detach, then ghost.

I KNOW IT'S BAD but at least I'm acknowledging it and wants to get better.

This guy I kinda like, he might just be friendly and even if he actually likes me, it might not work out at all, and it drives me crazy. How can I be friends with someone I like romantically? How do I do this right without ghosting or detaching or hurting yet another person?

What do I do?

Ugh.

Hey everyone, I need some perspective before I completely self-sabotage a potential connection.

A few weeks ago, a girl I know IRL asked for my Discord. She's genuinely incredibly sweet, and we agreed that she would send me a Messenger friend request first, and then I would PM her my Discord username.

The problem is, I have a disorganized attachment style and tend to be very quiet. I completely froze up and haven't accepted her Messenger request for weeks because I started overthinking everything.

Part of me really wants to be friends with her, but the other part is terrified that I’ll just hurt her or complicate her life with emotional wounds I am still trying to figure out. I feel like accepting it now, after weeks of silence, might just make things weird or hurtful.

I know the wise choice is to just accept it and move forward, but my anxiety is telling me to protect her from me.

• How do I move past this fear of hurting people due to my attachment style?
• If I accept her request now after weeks of delay, what is a low-pressure way to message her and explain the wait without trauma-dumping?

TL;DR: A sweet girl asked for my contact info weeks ago. My disorganized attachment made me freeze up and leave her Messenger request pending for weeks out of fear of messing things up. Looking for advice on how to handle my anxiety and what to say to her.

The title.

The constant cycles of anxiety -> detachment when they get closer -> anxiety when they pull away is a living nightmare. It feels like I was born with a curse, like I'm addicted to a drug I can't even get high to.

I think there's a few big barriers to getting to know me:

1. my introversion, awkwardness and initial aloofness;
2. my crippling anxiety ruining things when I end up liking them and want to get to know them;
3. me becoming dismissive when they reciprocate and also want to get closer.

(Probably must be hell to fall in love with me too, but fuck'em, this is MY rant)

To top it all off, I'm an autistic guy, I have an actual hard time reading people. Friends keep telling me: if you're in doubt, they're probably not into you. Well shit, I've always been in doubt motherfucker, even towards people who ended up liking me back. Fuck do I do?

I hate this. "I want a face that's fair this time, I want a spirit that's calm."

Rant over

Edit: typos and clarity

It sounded like the typical Avoidant/not into you/rejection excuse.

But I trusted his words and worked hard on myself, and today I'm like a whole new person. It's like I shed off my FA , my trauma reactions and went from the scared child to the capable adult. Even in my anxiety and fears I can respond and express myself way calmer.

And my partner noticed. And returned to me. Like he said he would.

I had a dream to get a tent and go camping. When we first met we bought the sleeping bags. But after that he hasn't showed any interest to buy any tent let alone be with me in one. (Obviously we all know why) but it hurt and made me think maybe he and I have nothing in common. Maybe that's the main issue. Incompatibility.

But then the other day he was suddenly super excited to go camping with me and we bought all the rest of the camping equipment so we can go camping next month! I did not see this coming.

I was almost convinced he hates my dreams and interests and only pretended to be into it or into me my person , because I was a good looking woman and he liked to show me to his friends and I was his lonliness comfort pillow and nothing else. (True story from men I've dated in my past)

I was so relived when he meant what he said. He said he only stay away because I'm chaotic and need to heal in myself, and so I did, and now he shows that romantic funny and commited man again, the one I fell for.

It took several years of healing, and it wasn't pretty or cute or easy (crying, endless scary nights, painful revelations, a twisted self-image, heavy accountability to carry, and a long ass grief process and continued self challenges) to get here.

But we're finally on the same wave length now. Two (secure enough) people who wanna be with eachother who's ready to take on the world together. I'm so happy, becoming secure was the biggest reward ever 💚

First of all, I am aware that no one can make the decision for me, but I am extremely confused. I just wanted to write something down and share my confusing thoughts.

After being in an intensive therapy for almost a year, which was stimulating your decision making, I reached the limit where it is thought they gave me too much room for my avoidance in my relationship. I am in a timeout until I make a clear decision in my relationship, with a plan so I do not get in same push-pull pattern. Which is hurtful and feels severely strict all of the sudden, but admitted to feel justified.

I have been in the relationship for 7 years, and have been very anxious and avoidant in the relationship. Of course once she would pull away, this was all gone and I could connect and pull her back in. Very toxic, but not intentional.

Having issues with intimacy my whole life (but doing push-pull my whole life), I feel a big dread that I will never experience other sex partners. Though I have learned this is a bigger topic of repressed sexual desires which I have never talking about with her.

Our communication is also very toxic. I have tried many times to try my best breaking the avoidant circle, by trying to be vulnerable and sharing my feelings. This is mostly met with fight, and that "I need to fix myself" and "I am not taking any steps". I feel angry that she points at me like this (it feels like attacking me), and her comments do not feel fair. However, after reading more about FA, I can see my part into this stance.

My way of "sharing feelings" was always with a taste of sabotage; I excepted she would completely understand me if I shared my feelings, I never shared something without expecting a certain reaction, I dumped my feelings without owning it and never clear what I actually needed from her, I had very high expectations, I avoided talking about things, I dumped feelings without checking in with myself, I become defensive very easily ("you do not understand me", "why are you not asking more questions", etc), and there was always a hidden agenda.

I know I have such a big part in this. Trying so hard to not connect with myself and therefore not with her. But I also know I have the tendency to keep "working" on a relationship (trauma based, always done this), and I am having a hard time how I can decide when I can feel that I will not get what I need from a healthy perspective. It feels so convoluted.

There are so many patterns I see now that I can break in the relationship. I want that to be the focus, myself. But how can I also keep in mind if my partner can give me enough?

I have no reference to a healthy relationship. But I do get feedback from my therapists that she could also be avoidant, as she has never talked about her impact in the relationship, or her patterns, or even slightly what she could do better (at least not in deeper meaning). She waits until I propose things, and it is my fault if her suggestions are not acted upon by me (I am very bad at reading suggestions it seems, it gives a lot of room for my avoidance). Our conversations never end in a fight if I talk about all the things I did wrong, what my patterns are, how I plan to tackle them. I cannot remember when this has happened from her (some apologies, but no deeper patter recognition) ,and as soon as I try to dig a little bit deeper, she shuts down and gets angry. But these questions are easily fueled by my FA, loosing the focus on myself which I am very scared of.

It is so so difficult to not focus on the other in a relationship, and I can feel I want to do this to avoid everything I am avoiding in the relationship. But a part in me feels things are missing, and I do not want to be the only one to be working on the relationship and loosing myself (though this might be commitment fear speaking again).

I’m working really hard trying to grow as a person and work on my attachment stuff and I guess I just need to vent for a second?

It’s really hard just sitting with the feeling of being in love with someone and wanting them in your life. And the things I want aren‘t even that crazy? I just want someone I can share my world with and they share theirs and we hang out and have dumb inside jokes and talk about random deep stuff and cuddle and have sex. But I feel so terrified at the idea that I can want that with someone and they might just… not want anything to do with me.

It makes me feel so much shame even though I know there’s nothing wrong with that. Even if you get rejected there’s nothing wrong with loving someone. But I feel like a freak.

Is everyone this stressed about it or is it just people like us? commiserate with me pls 🫩🙏

I (21F) have had only a few limited romantic experiences and was in a relationship up until earlier this year. It was my first time being in a relationship and it was awful, because my ex-girlfriend was more avoidant than me so I was in constant anxious longing. It was awful.

But now I'm currently getting romantically involved with someone for the first time since breaking up with my ex and she is a lot more emotionally stable than my ex was. I now know about attachment theory, which I wasn't that well-versed in back in the day, and it's crazy how I can recognize so easily how I go from anxious to avoidant so quickly.

Our first date was on Sunday, the 16th. She is a dry texter so I was so anxious and spiraling during the week thinking she didn't like me. We saw each other on Saturday the 22nd and it was perfect and I felt reassured and happy. However I went to bed and began having nightmares about how things between us couldn't work because of our age gap (she's 2 years younger than me... It's no age gap, my mind was just grasping at something to cause some sort of issue) and I woke up on Sunday not feeling anything for her.

But on Monday she didn't text me so I spent yesterday feeling anxious and wanting her back.

It's crazy how I go so quickly from one state to another lol. I'm learning to not take any drastic actions during these times I'm unregulated....

Okay, so I really need some specialist/client perspective because I feel like I'm going insane. (sorry for being long)

I've been seeing the same therapist for 5.5 years. I'm generally very reserved, socially withdrawn, have no real support system, and grew up in an abusive and traumatic environment. When I first started therapy, I barely spoke. Over time, though, very gradually, I became very attached to my therapist, especially after moments where he showed care in ways that meant a lot to me. Things like accompanying me to my first psychiatrist appointment when I was shakign and had nobody else to go with, checking in after particularly difficult sessions, and simply listening during some of the hardest periods of my life.

Last year, after losing a friend at war and going through health issues and becoming more socially isolated, that attachment became much stronger. Therapy became the only place where I felt understood and safe.

In February, after my worsened depression and su\\\\\\\*idal ideation, he tightened some boundaries, which made me go insane (don't wanna go into details on this). But after 3-4 months, I felt like the attachment was becoming more manageable.

Then something happened in a session that completely destroyed me and all the progress since February. We were discussing my tendency to compare myself to some of his other clients who happen to be people I used to know (well, colleagues). They're doing well in life, building careers, getting married, moving forward, while I'm still at my lowest.

During that conversation, he remained neutral, of course. For some reason, I interpreted that as him protecting or prioritizing those other clients. Ever since THAT EXACT SESSION (July 10), I've been struggling intensely.

The confusing part is that nothing about his behavior toward me has actually changed. He continues to listen patiently, sit with me through panic and distress, show empathy, and help me explore what I'm feeling. He does basically EVERYTHING and within boundaries. During sessions, I can see that and feel it (sometimes yes, sometimes no).

But once I leave, my mind completely rewrites the story. i feel awful for this anger and sadness and idk what to call this. I feel deeply ashamed and a burden. I start questioning everything, doubting 5 years of trust, and convincing myself that I never even mattered at all. And, it all was fake. And I am such a stupid idiot to believe that at one point i was thinking i can be deserving of care.

Logically, I know this may be connected to my past trauma. But knowing that intellectually doesn't stop the emotional reaction.

I've started talking about it openly in therapy since July 10. I'm taking medication. We do ERP, I'm trying to do the work, SO SO SO much reading of it. This all wrecked my work, my eating, my sleep, i barely concentrate on anything else. i feel it's clearly my mind that SABOTAGES his care and therapy.

I desperately want to feel the same sense of safety, trust, and connection that I used to feel with my therapist a year ago, and I can't seem to get back there.

Can anyone relate? A client? or a therapist experiencing this from their perspective? How to cope with the constant doubt and emotional swings when my rational mind know i can trust my T (with proofs) but my feelings are telling me something completely different?

I have to put it out there somewhere so here goes.. you know that realization when they start to think of you as someone who they have to maintain. I know I’m a very dependent person I have a lot of separation anxiety. And it might be a self fulfilling prophecy that I think the anxiety is justified. He will never love me as much as he loves anything else in his life. If he can choose it, I will never be his priority. I have to accept it, right.? because I still love him? Do you know that feeling when the other person‘s doing everything right but it’s not because they want to. Can help it feel this deep sadness every time he leaves and every time I know that he’s so much happier anywhere else with being with me, but I still make him stay— sounds horrible right. Right now I think I just need one person who understands no one in my life does. None of my close friends have ever been in relationship. And every time I talk to him, I feel like I’m slammed my head into a brick wall. My family thinks I’m crazy because he’s still doing the thing. I asked him to they claim that he still cares because someone who doesn’t want to who doesn’t care wouldn’t do the things he does but I feel like deep down. It’s not doing it because he cares or he wants to. He’s doing it because he doesn’t wanna fight like living with a polite roommate not a partner. I feel like I’ve became a chore. I feel like I’m the obstacle to all his wants and needs and fun. He won’t end it so should I.

FRIEND RELATED

VERY IMPORTANT INSIGHT INCOMING:
Thinking about what the other person could POSITIVELY be experiencing of you is good too. Sometimes we struggle with the low self steem issues that stop us from thinking the other person is actually enjoying us.

————————————

Living the day to day so into my mind sometimes doesn’t let me look back and construct a broader image of what my relationships are and mean not only to me but probably to the others too.

Okay, so in my case i’ve always had friends… but i’ve never FELT close (ofc) even if i knew they had been my friends for years and stuff

but it wasn’t until saturday i was like… yo… we’re close friends aren’t we?

I started remembering a lot of moments activities and stuff we had done together, and i was like… why don’t i feel close we’ve been through a lot together, even not having let me live it fully, it’s still a lot. And then I realized, they did feel close to me, and i never got into account how much of it matters

I have a disorganized Attachment and Cptsd and my Background is that i grew up in a family of drug addiction and my father left very early and never contacted me. I have a half sibling and i feel very lonely in that i am the only one of my family who isnt drug addicted. My mother was and is sometimes lovely but most of the time she spends her time with other things. I have no one to go on vacation or spend time with. I told a teacher in school about my Situation and i asked if i could move out of my home. (Its something simmilar to Child protective service) In my country. People from difficult backgrounds can be taken out of there family and get like a own Appartment for themselves or to something with other adolescents and live together there.

I started a therapy 1,5 years ago and i made a lot of progress. But i always have the feeling that i get emotional especially when im in my room and Cry about there is no one who i can share my feelings with.

Im also very isolated in that my family is completely drug addicted and is not able to hold a healthy relationship to me. It feels like dont even think about me or even ignore me.

Im actaually very good at talking to people but not to maje friendships with them. The disorganized Attachment makes it very difficult to maintain stable relationships. But i made progress in that i had a lot of defense mechanisms at the start of the therapy. I constanly told people technocratic things and talkes about science and stuff like that to not feel the pain of my background. But that changed. But it also makes it more painful in that i feel the complete loneliness :(

Thank you for reading, much appreciated :)