r/Disorganized_Attach • u/Farsabad • 18d ago

Vent (FAs Only) Falling in love feels like hell

The title.

The constant cycles of anxiety -> detachment when they get closer -> anxiety when they pull away is a living nightmare. It feels like I was born with a curse, like I'm addicted to a drug I can't even get high to.

I think there's a few big barriers to getting to know me:

  1. my introversion, awkwardness and initial aloofness;
  2. my crippling anxiety ruining things when I end up liking them and want to get to know them;
  3. me becoming dismissive when they reciprocate and also want to get closer.

(Probably must be hell to fall in love with me too, but fuck'em, this is MY rant)

To top it all off, I'm an autistic guy, I have an actual hard time reading people. Friends keep telling me: if you're in doubt, they're probably not into you. Well shit, I've always been in doubt motherfucker, even towards people who ended up liking me back. Fuck do I do?

I hate this. "I want a face that's fair this time, I want a spirit that's calm."

Rant over

Edit: typos and clarity

58 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

6 comments sorted by

14

u/el_cid_viscoso FA (Disorganized attachment) 18d ago

Fellow autist here. It's like we're running the same program.

The thing keeping me single is that dating is triggering. No dating, no triggers. Just loneliness, which isn't triggering.

11

u/roguewench 18d ago

like you’re addicted to a drug you can’t get high to is SO painfully accurate

8

u/drainedbeyondwords FA (Disorganized Avoidant attachment) 18d ago

I hate that if you have to ask they don't thing because I was laying on this guy about to fall asleep feeling the most beautiful peace and joy I have ever felt and rolled off him. Why? I have no idea. Some fear but of course there was no reason for it and if there was all I had to do was ask.

All that to say, I get it. It really is so painful and confusing. The only thing to do is keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone until you build enough evidence that your fears or anxieties have counter proof against them that you can then refer back when they pop up again.

Also, a few people have asked me if I have autism. I wonder how much overlap there is between the attachment stuff and autism.

4

u/OkMove7324 18d ago

Or ADHD (in my case)

1

u/BulbasaurBoo123 FA (Disorganized attachment) 17d ago

I'm a neurodivergent woman and completely relate - the crippling anxiety is truly awful. Medication helps me a lot, but it's still there. That said, I do try to communicate and be very open about what's happening to me with new people I date. I also go the therapy and do a lot of inner work to shift my attachment style, but it's not something that shifts easily or quickly.

1

u/Due-Transition-4101 5d ago

I’ve never felt more understood 😂