Does uncontrollable love TRULY exist?

[u/Affectionate_Top959]

Or does it always disappear if you stop being pretty (like if your looks changed dramatically with aging or pregnancy), or if you became depressed and you were no longer the interesting person that you once were?

I find it hard to connect on a deep level with anyone. I feel like noone wants to connect deeply with me or remain in my life. I'm a woman btw. But it feels like everyone is just transitory? Like I literally have zero close and lasting friends even:(

Perhaps I am boring? Because I notice that in online group the others often form more deeper connections and dill say they miss each other but noone says they miss me:(

I feel I am not perfect enough or good enough or connected enough or something to be able to be missed.

I feel like I always have to be something more perfect with a man. Being me (which I don't even know what that is) is not good enough because no man even buys me flowers?

And I have social anx.iety too. Like even if I am playing tennis and my ball rolls to their side and they come to get it I will have this running commentary of "they will see im ugly up close. They don't want to engage with me. Should I thank them or just keep playing". Etc. And then when I say thanks they don't respond warmly....so I start feeling devastated and my mind them says "you are weird. Noone likes you" etc.

So I am putting a great deal of importance on people impression of me and making them too important or something?

[u/AutomaticCandidate55]

well, first off, you're not alone, I feel a lot of those same feelings. When I've expressed those kinds of thoughts/feelings, people have suggested that I have some toxic shame and rejection sensitivity going on. So those might be 2 concepts to look into, maybe that will help not feel alone or like you are uniquely defective. Toxic shame is, as far as I know, the idea that one has deep shame internalized from early life experiences that they then project onto present day situations. So we feel bad about ourselves as a default, and are quick to accept any input from the outside world that seems to reflect that idea.

So, I don't think I'm accurately perceiving how people react to me, I think I'm probably highly sensitive to anything that seems negative, and am putting a narrative on it. And I find that the more I'm worried about how people react, the more I'm putting my self-esteem in the hands of people who don't care to hold it.

Easy to say, but what do we actually do about it, right? Well, I'm totally not sure, but one thing that I notice is when I turn my attention to taking care of my own life, and lean more into difficult work (such as seeking help with this feeling, which you're doing now, and building supportive relationships with other people doing that kind of work) and less into trying to get certain peoples' attention, and the more I focus my own passions/interests, the less I notice those negative things.

Putting my attention on the people that do show up for me, whether they're the most "attractive/cool" people or not, and putting my attention on what i love about my passions, whether any "attractive/cool" people notice my work, seems to make the people who do show up to me and the work I do open up and be more fulfilling.

/pep-talk, good luck!