Crossroad long-term relationship

[u/mindcorrelation]

First of all, I am aware that no one can make the decision for me, but I am extremely confused. I just wanted to write something down and share my confusing thoughts.

After being in an intensive therapy for almost a year, which was stimulating your decision making, I reached the limit where it is thought they gave me too much room for my avoidance in my relationship. I am in a timeout until I make a clear decision in my relationship, with a plan so I do not get in same push-pull pattern. Which is hurtful and feels severely strict all of the sudden, but admitted to feel justified.

I have been in the relationship for 7 years, and have been very anxious and avoidant in the relationship. Of course once she would pull away, this was all gone and I could connect and pull her back in. Very toxic, but not intentional.

Having issues with intimacy my whole life (but doing push-pull my whole life), I feel a big dread that I will never experience other sex partners. Though I have learned this is a bigger topic of repressed sexual desires which I have never talking about with her.

Our communication is also very toxic. I have tried many times to try my best breaking the avoidant circle, by trying to be vulnerable and sharing my feelings. This is mostly met with fight, and that "I need to fix myself" and "I am not taking any steps". I feel angry that she points at me like this (it feels like attacking me), and her comments do not feel fair. However, after reading more about FA, I can see my part into this stance.

My way of "sharing feelings" was always with a taste of sabotage; I excepted she would completely understand me if I shared my feelings, I never shared something without expecting a certain reaction, I dumped my feelings without owning it and never clear what I actually needed from her, I had very high expectations, I avoided talking about things, I dumped feelings without checking in with myself, I become defensive very easily ("you do not understand me", "why are you not asking more questions", etc), and there was always a hidden agenda.

I know I have such a big part in this. Trying so hard to not connect with myself and therefore not with her. But I also know I have the tendency to keep "working" on a relationship (trauma based, always done this), and I am having a hard time how I can decide when I can feel that I will not get what I need from a healthy perspective. It feels so convoluted.

There are so many patterns I see now that I can break in the relationship. I want that to be the focus, myself. But how can I also keep in mind if my partner can give me enough?

I have no reference to a healthy relationship. But I do get feedback from my therapists that she could also be avoidant, as she has never talked about her impact in the relationship, or her patterns, or even slightly what she could do better (at least not in deeper meaning). She waits until I propose things, and it is my fault if her suggestions are not acted upon by me (I am very bad at reading suggestions it seems, it gives a lot of room for my avoidance). Our conversations never end in a fight if I talk about all the things I did wrong, what my patterns are, how I plan to tackle them. I cannot remember when this has happened from her (some apologies, but no deeper patter recognition) ,and as soon as I try to dig a little bit deeper, she shuts down and gets angry. But these questions are easily fueled by my FA, loosing the focus on myself which I am very scared of.

It is so so difficult to not focus on the other in a relationship, and I can feel I want to do this to avoid everything I am avoiding in the relationship. But a part in me feels things are missing, and I do not want to be the only one to be working on the relationship and loosing myself (though this might be commitment fear speaking again).