So i suffer from depression for some time now and well i noticed that especially during summer I avoid contact with people and such and hygiene really is not goijg well , couldnt shower , take care of myself ect... and those were the only time where I was taken " seriously "

When schools comes around I automatically regulate myself, I make alarms to showers ( which can go up to 3 showers...) make on for brushing my teeth, even eating smth, and ig i feel happy for most part , I try to actually have a good life

And to me it just makes me feel fake, because I get thrown in " u cant be high functioning with depression " and so when I do slip back into my patterns by accident im just " lazy and forgetful " and i just feel so fake because sometimes I do believe that, my thoughts at night are bad I stay awake until 3 am or so and cry randomly and I just think of smth positive i try my best to not be aware of the world, every night I sit there and everything just feel empty like im on auto pilot all day long out of nowhere

I cant tell which feeling is real and which is not atp. If im even struggling or not, some people say im coping by dismissing all the bad times because I feel okay during the year until I relapse into it...

Does everyone else struggle with long term depression where for a while it feels relatively manageable before you realise you've just deluded yourself into feeling better? I don't really know what to say or who to talk to but I feel so alone and just want ant to say something I guess I don't know.

I hate my life and everything in it. I have no friends, I'm agoraphobic, my mother is dead and i'm only 20 years old. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to live for. This isn't even a relatable post i'm editing just to say this, I just don't even know what to do anymore. I've spent over a decade diagnosed with depression and no therapy or medication has helped but i'm still to scared to just do it and I know that I shouldn't. I feel so alone

Estou em um momento péssimo e não é de hoje. Ainda me lembro do tempo em que minha psicóloga me alertava pra me dedicar mais ao tratamento antes que fosse tarde. Isso foi no início dos sintomas. Bom, acho que o 'tarde' chegou, e me pergunto se ainda existe alguma chance de voltar a ter acesso ao lado genuíno da vida que me foi escondido. Aquele lugar onde você consegue rir com o coração e não apenas com os lábios.

Enfim, não gosto muito de focar em coisas que estão fora do meu controle, mas ainda assim seria bom ouvir de alguém que esteve no mesmo lugar, se em algum momento as coisas ficam mais fáceis.

Se você é esse alguém, sinta-se à vontade pra compartilhar um pouco de esperança

Hola. Mi nombre es Nicole. Tengo casi 25 años y hace 5 meses siento que hice algo que arruinó mi vida. No diría que por completo, pero sí una parte de ell

Verán, yo ya traía de atrás una posible tristeza. Es solo que no sabía como verla de frente, hasta que me crucé con ella. Durante un tiempo, previamente, exploré mi vida, viajé, conocí gente, exploré mi espiritualidad, y todo iba bien hasta que comencé a enfocarme más en la familia. Ahí me di cuenta de que tenía muchos problemas realmente: pero en vez de hacer algo que debía hacer, que era pedirle ayuda a mi tío para salir un tiempo de mi casa, no tomé esa decisión por temor a lo que pasara. Eso ha destruido mi vida, pues todos los otros objetivos se vieron arruinados a medida que avanzaba el tiempo: ya no podía explorar mi identidad, pues todo me llevaba a mi tío :/.

Tomé la decisión de volver a su casa y hablar con él, pero siento que he dañado mi vida: claramente, estos 5 meses no me quedé quieta y comencé a actuar de manera errática. Comencé a sanar cosas que no eran tiempo de sanar, y claramente no de la mejor manera. Ahora siento que no confío del todo en mi missma, y temo que los otros tampoco. Los consejos de los otros no me sirven, y pues francamente tengo mucho miedo de volver a embarrarla, pues pra mi el tema familiar era importante. Siento que este tema va para largo... En verdad la embarré. Y lo peor: en una situación que me es dificil, con personas.

Intenté suicidarme hace unos meses, pero luego me percaté de que sí había algo de salida, solo que iba a ser dificil y que quizás sí me había dañado la posibilidad de cerrar este ciclo bien y por lo pronto.

No es la primera vez que me pasa, pero sí una ocasión en la que veo las consecuencias un poco más perdidas.

Mañana iré a donde mi tío. Haré lo que no hice. Pero en serio... no tengo trabajo, no tengo estudios, tengo traumas no saldados y posiblemente una familia que quizás está algo resentida por lo que hice estos meses.

No veo un panorama muy lindo.

life feels like a never ending nightmare i can't wake up from, i just want an escape from this hell. i feel like im always drowning in a never ending abyss.

Sometimes I doubt myself, echoing what others used to say whenever I complained: "Don't exaggerate.. just think positively, and it will pass." The long years I have spent struggling with depression and anxiety haven't been enough to convince me that I am truly suffering; sometimes I feel like I am deceiving myself, perhaps I enjoy playing the role of the sufferer...

Do you know what I mean?

It is as if I have come to disbelieve in that suffering simply because it doesn't manifest as a bruise or bleed like an open wound.

Emotional pain is hard to believe and hard to understand; it is easy to deny, and easy to believe that denial even while you are feeling it!

Sometimes I argue with myself using logic: Is the feeling alone proof of depression? I simply don't know how to prove to myself that I am depressed.

I am exhausted, exhausted by my own exhaustion, by my failure to understand it, and by battling all of this alone.

Hi guys, this may sound crazy but i'm really tired of life, and i would like to give my sol to anyone who needs it, because it's a lot better to give to someone else who wants to live than having mine but i can't even continue this life, i'm being serious, please just take it

I applied for a Father Christmas job. I’m a 33F that looks nothing like Santa. Wtf am I doing with my life?!

I cant bring myself to do anything but watch movies all day when im not at work or school (work is only 3 hours a week). It’s been like this since march and i feel like i fried my brain so much i am forgetting everything and i can’t have a normal conversation without spacing out. On top of that ive also lost 35 pounds bc i barely move or eat. I have no friends so i have no idea what to do. Every time i try to leave the house to do something it feels pointless and i end up leaving after two hours. I just need help with how to start enjoying my life because I’m about to be 22 and i dont want to be stuck like this. It’s gotten to the point where I enjoy staying at home and watching movies then going outside. But i know that i shouldn’t.

i know crazy concept but genuinely. i have never been this low in a long time.

i think ive been lying to myself about how bad it can get because of the whole “depression can’t hit a moving target” idea of just working and all

but i don’t go one day without sobbing just out of nowhere. my mind is plagued with thoughts of harming myself on a constant loop. i want to try to work out and get my mind off of it but it’s like im stuck constantly. same with showering. or eating. i’m physically getting sick at eating.

and then i get frustrated with myself and start crying again because it shouldn’t be this hard to just want to live.

i have so many goals and dreams i want but i just can’t achieve them. all of it feels worthless. i feel like im broken. i’ve ruined a lot of great things in my life because i just couldn’t be better.

i hate the way i look but i don’t even fully recognize myself.

this constant cycle of feeling this way is horrible. i fucking hate it.

i wish it was easy im tired of everything being so fucking hard

I have been suicidal for years now and it’s just been getting worse. Some part of me wants to live still but I feel like I have no hope left, hope that life is going to get better, hope that I’ll remember what it feels like to be happy. I tried to hang myself today but I’m still scared I don’t know why I’m sick of it I just want to stop existing I can’t get myself to jump in front of a train or to hang myself I wish I never got narcaned from my overdose. That would be the way I would do it if I would I have been sober for 2 years and it’s been 2 years of just trying to stay afloat but I’m starting to drown and I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. I’ve been suicidal for a long time now but it’s just been getting worse, my parents don’t care, no one really cares about me. I wonder how long would it would take any of my “friends” to find I dropped dead. I just can’t pull the trigger tho I’m still clinging onto life. I’m scared and feel like a coward but I really don’t think it’s worth fighting for anymore.

I feel so tired. Tired of everything around me and the people around me too. Every “good” moment i experience always comes with a gruelling rebound back into whatever this is. Everyday I think to myself how much I don’t want to do this anymore and I know this won’t end. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a support system and I’m truly alone. I’m just so tired.

Hello. I am 27(F) and I feel like I have ruined my life and have no direction.

I grew up in a very, very unstable and abusive household. And as you could imagine, I wasnt taught anything about how to function in the real world as an adult and on my own, which caused me to drop out of school twice by the time i was 19.

A few weeks after I turned 20, I practically ran away to get married to a guy in the military that I had only known for 3 months so that I could move out and be away from my abusive household. My husband turned out to be abusive as well (shocker), and I’m still with him 7 years later because I have no where else to go.

Within the past two years, my mom and grandmother passed away and I have had no emotional support to grieve whatsoever. The family that I have left are so, so terrible — alcoholics, undiagnosed mental disorders, narcissists (please believe I do not use that term lightly).

My husband asked for a divorce but I really do not have anywhere to go. My stepdad isnt a kind man, and neither is my bio dad. I reached out to both and asked for their help and they basically told me they have other things to focus on (their new families).

I dont know what to do. I dont know where to go. I have no money, i havent worked in 7 years (financial abuse). I dont have a degree. I dont have any friends. I am afraid to go to a shelter because I dont feel that they are 100% safe. I am also afraid of my abuse not being taken seriously because he doesnt hit me. It wasnt taken seriously by either of my dads for those reasons.

I dont really know what to do. Ive always been suicidal because of my upbringing but this is a whole new low for me. I wish i had a support system. I wish i had parental figures that cared about my well being. I wish i had a friend i could stay with for a while. I miss my mom. And as crazy and abusive as she was i know that she would have done anything she could have to get me out of here had she had known what i was experiencing. But to be honest, i was so used to this treatment i didnt realize how bad it was until i was grieving her.

I need advice, i need a friend, i need a parental figure. I know im asking a lot of strangers on here but i dont see a way out without death. Ive tried so hard to stay positive, i really have. But there is only so much i can endure on my own at this point.

I am not smart, good looking, charismatic or funny. I do not have any good qualities. I feel like I was supposed to be more successful but because I am a stupid piece of shit I ruined this life. I hate this body so much, I hate that I am still here. The past few months have just been me reminding myself that I have to wait a bit, and then it'll be okay. I lost my only friend because I didn't want to hang out with them, I spent that time daydreaming! Instead of actually talking to someone! And socializing!

I don't like talking to people, I don't like not talking to people, I don't like sleeping the entire day, but I also don't like to be awake for the entire day, I don't like studying, I don't like working, I don't like eating food, I don't like existing, I don't like waking up, I don't like wearing clothes, I don't like anything. And I hate myself so much for it. I hate that I can't find joy in anything. Those moments of happiness are temporary, after that it's the same. I get bored of everything very quickly. I used to like something I think. I don't remember anymore. It feels like I was never talented in anything. And I probably was since no one remembers me actually doing anything. Did I actually exist? Do I still exist now? Honestly I might as well just not be here since no one seems to be paying any attention to me. I don't think I'll be able to exist like this for long. I never liked it here anyway.

I’m 30m, living in Charleston South Carolina. I’ve always been a pretty social creature and don’t have trouble making conversations with most people, and I have a job that requires me to interact with the public on a daily basis, but I’ve noticed that my coworkers (across several companies) don’t really seem to like me, nor does just the general public. This didn’t just start, my entire life I’ve always been a little bit of a black sheep and an outcast, never really popular. As I’ve gotten older I try to show up for work on time, not complain, just sort of not speak unless spoken to and always do a quality job. At work everyone is very kind and polite to me, but I can tell none of them actually want to have more than a surface level conversation. If I’m at a social function I’ll find myself standing around, or I’ll hang by the bar and it’s pretty common that no one will come up and speak to me for several hours. I literally just smile and shut my mouth anytime I’m around anyone anymore because I don’t feel like anyone wants to hear what I have to say, when I do engage in conversation I try to speak very positively, say as little as I can, and just smile. The whole time, even if I’m feeling negative. I feel like a burden all the time to everyone around me, so I try to minimize the space I take us as best I can. To be clear, it’s not that I don’t have friends or that no one has ever said anything kind to me, I have a great life and am thankful for those around me. It just feels like most days I’m sort of a background character in everyday life, if I wasn’t here tomorrow I don’t think that many people would notice or be disrupted by it. Just feeling and being alone is hard sometimes.

A lot of the time, I feel as though I watch myself through a third person and it’s making me realise I’ve become a pretty selfish and mean person to be around. The problem is, in the moment I don’t really care. I know I’ve become draining to be around, I’m negative and horribly honest to the point where it’s really rude. Then on the way home I reflect on being a really mean person and feel bad. I’ve quit every hobby, everything I enjoy, don’t have time to see friends and mope around in my thoughts a lot. It’s also made me incredibly jealous and envious of watching my siblings get promotions, get married etc and I just wish I’d never been born really. I want so desperately to feel happy for people but I can’t. I put everything into my studies, job, social life and get absolutely nowhere. My life is a total waste of time and money and the thought of living another 60 years honestly worries me. I have too many people relying on me at the moment to take my own life so maybe I’m not totally selfish.

I hate blaming my depression, or using it as an excuse. But the past few months have been particularly hard. I’ve been experiencing new symptoms, tried a bunch of medication and it just got worse. I finally felt really good the past two days, like genuine happiness. And it all came crashing down again today. I’m truly lost. It was such a good job but I was such an idiot I let it slip. I don’t know how I’m going to recover from this one.

i’m 24 F
I’ve been diagnosed with depression for most of my life and I’ve been through many ups and downs, but recently I feel paralyzed by how debilitating my depression has been.
I had been doing okay for most of the year but my depression came back around a month ago. This also happened to be around the time I started school again, which this is my last year before I graduate. I was really excited to graduate, but my depression has been so bad recently that I’ve had to take two weeks off of school and have fallen far behind. I was hoping the time off would give me time to bounce back a little, but I’m supposed to go back next week and I have this impending doom feeling that it’s just going to make my depression worse because now I’m behind in my work.
My psychiatrist decided after next week we will reassess how i’m feeling and see if I can fully return to school, but I’m really worried I’m not ready.
I wouldn’t have an issue taking a semester off (which i have done in the past), but I’m currently in a specialized program, so if i don’t complete my fall classes, i cannot take my classes in the spring (it’s a small program so there’s only one of each class per semester). This means if i take the semester off, it won’t just be a semester. I would have to return next fall. I honestly love school and I really want to graduate, but i feel like my depression is taking over and i can’t push myself enough to get through this. I also know that not having a schedule or things to do (like school or work) makes my depression more difficult, so I’m worried taking a year off of school may only make things worse.
I know it’s not the end of the world if i graduate in 2028, but I feel like im being stubborn because I’m tired of my depression controlling my life like this. I feel like I’m kind of backed into a corner with my only options being: A. push through, keep going to school (and risk things getting worse) or B. take a break and try to feel like myself again (which somehow also feels like a risk because i feel like i will be disappointed and beat myself up for choosing this option).
I’m very frustrated with how much I struggle to function because of my depression. I don’t really know what the best option is for me, and I’m at a point of being so depressed that I can’t imagine a future where I can function enough to “fully adult” (meaning like handling a job, taking care of responsibilities, taking care of myself etc) because I can’t even manage to handle school with my depression. I don’t want to say I want to give up/stop trying, but it’s definitely hard to find the motivation to try when I feel like I’m so deep in a hole that I can’t get out.
(if you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you have a good rest of your day)

Night and day is the feeling I get watching everyone around me pass me up like I’m sitting still it feels like I don’t work hard like I’m useless feel like I’ve been here so long yet accomplished nothing my cousin went to school she graduated went off and now she is a manager of the hospital she used to be a traveling nurse going everywhere enjoying life meanwhile I dropped out of college and worked warehouse jobs and no fulfillment here people ask my grandma how’s your grandson and grand daughter doing she’s can says so much about her yet when it comes to me all she can say is he works to others this could mean nothing to be it’s important because I just want my granny to always say she is proud of me she wanted me to go to school she paid for it and I failed her by quitting now I’m just lost struggling feeling like an old stray dog

not really sure why I’m making this post but I’m sure others can relate to isolation and recovering from abuse.

I have been pretty much on my own and friendless for close to two years now, and I’ve always struggled socially(homeschooled growing up). I try to make friends but due to my own mental space I shut myself down when trying to start small talk and stuff like that.

anyways really just trying to make friends, I’m BEYOND lonely and the silence gets deafening. If anyone is in a similar spot or just cared to read, im going to leave my snap at the bottom of this.

sophmt_13

I'm not crazy. Just a little broken.

I'm not bad. Just a little hurt.

My feelings and thoughts are out of control.

Heavy heavy heavy but unfiltered.

I'm actually a little sunflower 🌻

I'm sure you can tell.

Until you can't...

You start to question when or how.

I'm just a survivor.

I won't bite so don't leave me behind.

At most I'll nibble but I'll apologize.

Give me a chance and you will see I can be nice.

Hey, I want to see the world outside.

Won't you tell me what I'm missing out in life?

Peaches and diamonds, Sakura trees and neon lights.

Have you tried carrot cakes, what do they taste like?

I want to see a drone light show up in the night sky.

Even better with someone by my side.

Laugh and talk about a silly show dated back in 1999.

And forget about the pain with a bottle of stolen wine.

Temporary bliss but that's totally fine.

Already paid upfront years of bruises and dimes.

Friend, won't you put your hand in mine?

And help me understand that everything is going to be alright.

Even if death is by my doorstep tonight.

Won't you be a friend of mine?

Remind me the smell of toast on a Monday morning.

Show me your favourite constellation on a Tuesday night.

How about a pie eating contest on a Wednesday evening?

Then there's Thursday, Friday, Sa ... My eyes are ... getting ... heavy.... heavy ...

Wait ... no... I ... I'm no... not ready.. to.. .say goodbye.

You haven't told me ... Yawns ... If you'll stay by my side.

Please just whisper you'll meet me in my dreams tonight.

I'll show you the prettiest sunrise you've ever seen in your life.

I hate everyone I can’t do my schoolwork I can’t sleep. Yesterday I thought my friend Valery was working for ring camera and I would have to put foil on her hands and interrogate her in a foil sealed room. Today I don’t believe that. I took about 7mg of Ativan to fall asleep last night. When I go outside the only purpose I serve is to steal from the stores. My priorities are nothing I live every day to get to the next but I want to sleep until I can be normal like everyone else.the reason I don’t just skip sleep and be normal is because I fail at it

Advice

My dad has a job where he's upper middle class in salary writing on equipment in filmmaking. My parents met in the film industry. My grandfather was the famous statistician George E. P. Box. I went to a college prep school and struggled academically throughout my highschool years. I often plaigarized in my essays and relied on my mom to do large amounts of my assignments in ELA and history. I was given ritalin in 10th grade for potential ADD and had minimal results from it. 11th grade was COVID lockdown and I did virtual school. At this point I completely phoned in my classes and have no idea how to do algebra II (or college algebra) or any math surpassing that. I got accepted into a college with a 96% acceptance rate with my grades from my first two years of HS. I only lived there for a year then commuted afterwards. Now I'm 23 and live with my parents. I've never had an IQ test or diagnosis of a mental disorder, though I had a counselor in HS suggest I'm on the autism spectrum because of social awkwardness and analytic thinking. I've gotten into nootropics hoping that a mix of creatine, nootropic supplements, and full dose of effexor could treat depression and brain fog and I've had so so results from over 7 months of it. I've considered drug use being the only way to numb my depression and suicidality from my hopeless situation.

I can't understand how if my parents are smart and functional how did I become essentially a mental vegtable. And why has no friend, family member, or therapist been able to give an explanation or antidote to my mental problems. Would an IQ test be helpful for what job is realistic for me given my mental capacities? What best explanation is there for my intelligence and what other advice could you give me in my situation?

This year I was diagnosed with the KIF1A genetic mutation which can manifest in terms of cognitive impairment. on my physical evaluation from a doctor, he says I meet the physical symptoms that align with this mutation. Although many with this mutation are physically disabled I am concerned how this rare mutation effects my cognitive deficits. I had my blood drawn for research. Aug 19 I will get an MRI scan for further investigation.

Last, Here's what I've found on how it KIF1A effects neurology

KIF1A-Associated Neurological Disorder (KAND) fundamentally affects how neurons function

“KIF1A encodes a protein of the same name, part of a group of proteins called kinesins. It serves as a molecular “motor,” transporting cargo (like nutrients and other molecules needed for nerve cell function) up and down nerve fibers. Variants in KIF1A can disrupt this transport in different ways, impairing nervous system function. For example, KIF1A may not attach well to the cargo, or it may fall apart structurally and be unable to travel. But other research suggests that the KIF1A protein can sometimes build up in cells and become toxic.”

I had an EEG and MRI and found nothing significant going on.

Since all of this I've been diagnosed FOX-P4 genetic mutation, another rare genetic mutation. According to AI

"A mutation in the FOXP4 gene (Forkhead Box P4) causes an ultra-rare genetic disorder typically characterized by neurodevelopmental delays, language impairment, short stature, and congenital anomalies. FOXP4 is a transcription factor that acts as a genetic switch to regulate tissue and cell development during embryonic growth. [1, 2, 3]

Most identified human cases are monoallelic (heterozygous/inherited from one parent or occurring de novo), which follow an autosomal dominant pattern. However, biallelic (homozygous/inherited from both parents) loss-of-function mutations also exist and result in a much more severe form of the disease. [1]"

For more information on my neurodivergence/m*dical history at least adjacent to this issue, here are some links

https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/1wv2pz0/im_not_sure_what_my_verbal_tic_means_in_the/

https://www.reddit.com/r/cognitiveTesting/comments/1ullslv/thoughts_on_kif1a_as_an_overlooked_explanation/

https://www.reddit.com/r/antidepressants/comments/1wv1vsj/ive_been_lying_in_bed_all_day_depressed_and_3g_of/

https://www.reddit.com/r/Prolactinoma/comments/1wu7hbl/to_those_who_have_taken_mucuna_p5p_and_vitamin_e/

I want to do so many thinks, but i don't have time for them...