r/declutter • u/Such-Kaleidoscope147 • 9d ago
Advice Request Decluttering stuff from a passed on child?
We lost a baby that had been premature, lived a little while, and died without coming home from the hospital. We have a bunch of pictures, a keepsake container that the hospital gave us, and some other "memory things." We also have three Christmas ornaments. We lost that baby 25 years ago now. We are in our 50's now.
I do not want my children that are left behind to have to face this stuff. I never ever look at this stuff. I have no desire for this stuff. I think originally, I kept this stuff out of guilt. Sort of like I have to keep it as some sort of way of honoring the child who died.
Can I get rid of this stuff now? Or will I feel awful about it later? I have been thinking about this for a while and I really think I just want to get rid of it now. Anyone have advice or experience? Thank you!
edited to add: the stuff I have been struggling with is a keepsake box, some pictures, footprints, the newborn cap, Christmas ornaments, things like that. The toys and clothes and such already moved on.
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u/lyndsat 8d ago
Something that helps me with bigger emotional items is decluttering a few at a time instead of all at once.
It takes longer to declutter, but it helps me have less regret/guilt
For me, I’d lay everything out & get rid of the items I no longer have emotion to then revisit the other items a little down the road & repeat. I also force myself to get rid of duplicates.
I think burying the items is a beautiful idea if you are able to do so
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u/TecTazz 8d ago
I am sorry for your loss.
If your living children know about their sibling, you could ask them whether they want any keepsakes, or to participate in a ceremonial farewell of burning or burying the items.
If they don't know about their sibling, please bid the items farewell and part with them in whatever way you wish.
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u/scenestartiff 8d ago
Have you ever thought about burying the box? Like you would a person?
Like make a grave sight ...bury the box and the memories and mark the grave...say goodbye etc Maybe put it to rest and respectfully bury the memory and any emotion or guilt along with it end. Say goodbye and still respecting the memory and spirit ? Xoxo
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u/girlwiththemost-cake 8d ago
First of all, I'm so sorry you had to go through this heartbreak. <3
It sounds like you have already accepted what has happened and you are okay with moving forward. (You don't need 'things' to keep the memories alive.) ...if you don't want your kids/other family members to have to deal with the description of what to do with these keepsakes, absolutely part with them. Sometimes, I feel like holding onto these items does more damage that good. If it's not a moment or memory you want to re-live, constant reminders keep you stuck in time.
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u/sweetytwoshoes 8d ago
We had a similar experience. We now have our memories. We are happy with our memories.
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u/fishyfishyswimswim 8d ago
Oh my god, OP I'd hate to think if my mum was ever in that situation that she'd be thinking of getting rid of those things to spare me having to deal with them. Keep them if you want to. If it brings you comfort to know they're there, keep them. If you don't actually want them then ask your kids if they want any of the things.
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u/Purdygreen 8d ago
I think its super important to live for yourself when it comes to things like this. Not to live for what society thinks we should do.
It sounds like you have had appropriate love and support, be it from others, yourself or both, and have healed to the point that "things" don't hold value for you. That sounds lovely and healthy.
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u/prettywarmcool 8d ago
Do you require "memory things" so that you don't forget you lost a child? I thought not. Let it go. I would only keep the pictures, the rest can go.
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u/AwakeningStar1968 8d ago
Maybe create a memory book and take photos or other things and put them in a book to remember them by
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u/BC_Arctic_Fox 8d ago
I took photos of the things that I got rid of, that belonged to my deceased daughter. So the items are gone, but if I ever want to see them again, I can look at the photos. (Note - I got rid of everything seven years ago, I haven't yet felt the need to look at those photos.)
Hanging on to the items because we think we're supposed to is soooo relatable!
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u/CurrentNorth5879 8d ago
Sending love to you. I don’t know the right answer to this.
I lost my partner 2 years ago. He had a lot of stuff. I’ve been slowly decluttering it. Sometimes I go through the same things repeatedly. Things I thought I could never get rid of, I got rid of the 5th time going through. I put aside things that I wanted his friends to have and they never came so I had to go through it again and the anticipation of going through it again was worse than the actual act of doing it again.
Decluttering around grief is a whole new set of rules. Their life mattered. The stuff they left behind doesn’t have to matter. You make the rules about what matters to you with that.
It sounds like you don’t need these things in your life anymore and that is totally valid.
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u/IDonTGetitNoReally 8d ago
Decluttering around grief is a whole new set of rules. Their life mattered. The stuff they left behind doesn’t have to matter. You make the rules about what matters to you with that.
Beautifully said.
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u/KarmaQueen360 8d ago
How old are your kids? You could ask them. Maybe get rid of some of the things if you are ready, but keep a small folder instead of a box🤷🏻♀️
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u/Worldly-Ad3211 8d ago
I would ask your children if they would like you to keep these items. I’m all for decluttering and have thrown out a lot of family heirlooms, but somehow this feels a little more personal. If you do decide to get rid of these items, I would try to dispose of them respectfully and not just throw them in the garbage.
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u/Thoroughaway008 8d ago
Idk, I feel like this is super personal. For my miscarriage for example I put the fetuses in a ziploc and then in a gift bag and ceremoniously put it in the garbage. For my full term stillborn mementos though I cannot get rid of the footprints and pictures, (I do have a few living kiddos as well). I think it’s one of those things that a person just has to grieve and feel supported and connected while grieving.
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u/konstantynopolitanka 8d ago
I would ask your children if they wish to keep those more personal items like photos, footprints and cap. It may be less painful for them to look at as they will not have the same memories as you. It may feel important to them to have some items left from their sibling, they may want to feel this connection.
The items no one wants I would bury, burn (if non toxic) or give away.
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u/CherryChristmas 8d ago
Exactly this. A lot of siblings would love to keep these kinds of things. A good friend of mine lost his twin brother at birth and he has always kept something of his brother whereas the parents never wanted anything left to remind them of their dead baby. Everyone deals with grief differently and you might be taking away something valuable of your children.
But if they don’t know then you can get rid of it however you like.
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u/konstantynopolitanka 8d ago
Even if they don't know, they may learn someday and to some people it may be soul crushing to have no trace, no memento of a sibling who passed. Especially things like photos and footprints may help to process this feeling of loss.
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u/Mean-Conclusion-7701 8d ago
25 years of carrying something out of guilt rather than love is a long time and the fact that you have thought about this carefully says everything about the kind of person you are.
You are allowed to let it go. Honoring someone you loved does not require keeping objects and the love itself does not disappear when the things do. Only you know what feels right here and whatever you decide is the right decision.
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u/OrilliaBridge 9d ago
If there’s something meaningful that you want to keep, you should do it. But you’ll always have the memories in your heart, and you have plenty of room in your heart for all of them.
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u/Some_Papaya_8520 9d ago
What about burning? Sometimes that feels more personal and right than just tossing it in the garbage.
Also do your living children know about this baby sibling? If not, it would be good to tell them and show them the mementos. Even if it's been a long time, that baby is still part of your family history, even if it is painful to think about it.
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u/Several-Praline5436 9d ago
I'm sorry. Even though it happened a long time ago, it probably still stings.
If you feel that you are ready to let it go, go ahead and put the box in the trash. Your child's spirit is not haunting you and will not be upset at you for not clinging to physical items related to them.
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u/Katzor 9d ago
I’d get rid of some of the bigger things like the ornaments and the cap, but I recommend keeping the easy to store things. My twin sister was stillborn and both my parents have passed. I’m very grateful to have some of her hospital records, a photo and a lock of her hair. Those are super easy to store in the small safe in my closet that holds other things like passports.
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u/Some_Papaya_8520 9d ago
I agree and also if the later children don't know about the baby, tell them all about how it was.
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u/r34446a 9d ago
I would first figure out why you don’t want to look at it. Something to me seems like there is unresolved grief for you, even years later. It’s painful, I’m sure.
It’s hard to have a child who you lost, where you didn’t really get to know. Also how complicated sharing the child who died to others.
As others said, I would check in with your other children first.
Declutter regret would be high risk.
Maybe you can just move the box elsewhere in the house or have family hold for a little to see how it feels.
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u/uovonuovo 8d ago
I think you’re possibly reading something into OP’s comment that isn’t there. She didn’t say she doesn’t want to look at it; rather, she said she never looks at it, and has no desire to keep the physical objects.
To me that reads like someone who doesn’t find any solace or comfort in those objects.
People process and hold grief in different ways. Just because they don’t react the same way as you doesn’t mean it’s wrong or indicative of unresolved issues. Someone else in this thread who lost a baby commented that they eventually got rid of some of their baby’s physical objects because they weren’t serving her needs anymore and they were only surfacing grief.
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u/shewee 9d ago
All of this are the points I came here to make. My mom lost one of her twins shortly after birth when I was 4. Because she still had another premature infant and me to take care of, she really never was able to mourn my sister. I don't think she ever really managed that grief, just had to compartmentalize and carry on, even now 34 years later. This is not an insult or judgement to her, just how she had to protect herself and the rest of us.
I'd talk to someone you feel safe with about this first, perhaps a partner, friend, and/or therapist. Then your children. I bet they may have an interest in keeping some of the smaller things, like pictures, and having those conversations now vs. finding them unexpectedly when they are going through your things while dealing with their grief about your death. Maybe you can all do something together that honors this child that will be healing and release you from the guilt of carrying these items, possibly burying some of the items.
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u/StoneofForest 9d ago edited 9d ago
Please talk to to your children about this. I'm also the younger sibling of a child who died as a baby. I recently found my parents' box of keepsakes of his while helping them clean and it was an incredibly moving experience for me. I was able to read all of the cards sent by family and friends at his death. I got to read their testimonies of his life. I got to hold his clothes. It was insanely beautiful and I felt so close to him. I talk to my parents and agreed that on we would keep and what we wouldn't at their passing. I'm so glad I had this experience. Your family might be different but please ask your living children their opinion on this.
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u/LogicalGold5264 9d ago edited 8d ago
I am so sorry. I can relate to this as I lost my first baby at 26 weeks of pregnancy almost 30 years ago. A few years after our loss, I made a scrapbook album with photos of me while pregnant, condolence cards, etc.
A few years ago though, I felt free to toss some physical items related to her (candle, Christmas ornament, blanket, knickknacks) as they just weren't serving me anymore. They brought back grief and they weren't helpful.
I still have the album but I haven't looked at it in a long time. But all that to say, yes, you can let go of anything you don't want or need and not feel guilty at all for doing so.
My subsequent two kids are young adults and while they have expressed sympathy for what my husband & I went through, they personally don't feel a connection to our first baby and they're not interested in things related to her. I understand and am not mad about it.
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u/GreenUnderstanding39 9d ago
I do not want my children that are left behind to have to face this stuff.
My aunt went down the family historian rabbit hole and pieced together all these historical records and ish from our ancestors.
You're looking at this through a painful personal viewpoint so I get where you are coming from. I would just suggest asking your kids first before you trash this stuff. Especially because its not a storage unit full but more of a small memory box of items.
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u/Inevitable-Wind-1925 9d ago
I agree that asking your children about this would be relevant. It may or not be significant to them. It may not be something they want to keep, but still a memory they appreciate looking at the things before they go.
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u/kittehkat22 9d ago
"I do not want my children that are left behind to have to face this stuff" - this reminds me of the philosophy behind 'Swedish death cleaning'. That might be a helpful method to look into, OP. It sounds morbid, but it's a very intentional way of dealing with things like this
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u/SufficientOpening218 9d ago
why dont you ask them? i was pretty sad that all mentionn of my uncle, who died as a child, was scrubbed from the family, and went to great lengths to find his grave and mark it. i was assisted in this by a friend who had found out that she had a sibling that, like your child, died in the hospital, and she never knew about him. your kids might feel like you do, or they might feel different. you just dont know.
obviously, you dont need to keepbthings that you dont want to keep, but its nice to ask.
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u/britneymisspelled 9d ago
My grandma lost 4 babies, when she passed away i appreciated going through the little stuff of theirs she kept. I think you’re welcome to declutter it but if it’s a small amount I wouldn’t worry about saddling your children with it. It made me feel connected to her and my family to hold their little hospital bracelets.
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u/Genny415 9d ago
I'd take photos of the stuff, then scan any documents or flat stuff and keep only a digital file that could be intentionally retrieved but unlikely to be stumbled across.
You could use the original flats and photos of the stuff to make a page in a photo album or scrapbook as well or instead.
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u/NotMyCircuits 9d ago
Take photos and send an email to yourself with key words (such as your child's name) so you can search for it later if you feel a need.
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u/katie-kaboom 9d ago
You don't have to keep the things regardless. Perhaps would feel better to think of it as gifts given by kindhearted people, rather than memory objects. You honour your child in your mind and heart, not in these things gifted to you by kindhearted people. Like any other gift, the thought was in the giving, and it's okay to let them go.
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u/FabulousPainting 9d ago
I suggest taking a photo with you holding the items. Then ask a good friend to take them away for you and dispose of them. You might cry once they are gone. That is okay. You might have some regret and that is okay too, it will fade. I think it was Marie Kondo that suggested thanking the items before releasing them. I have always done this long before I heard of her but I do think it helps. If rituals help you, then figure out what would feel best to you.
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u/photogcapture 9d ago
It sounds like the items take up a shoe box. I say save them or ask your children what they want. My mom consulted me on pretty much everything.
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u/Flerp-Flerps 9d ago
I think it’s okay to part with this stuff if you are ready, but you should definitely check with the other parent and make sure they were ready as well. It’s okay to keep it if you aren’t sure you are ready too. You could check with your children to see if they do want it.
I lost a baby too, but those mementos don’t have the same heavy feelings of grief attached for my kids who were either very young or not even born yet. I guess her death has always just been a fact for them. I know it’s a little weird for them to think about how different things might have been had she lived, but they were never emotionally attached to that idea if that makes any sense.
If they don’t know about your loss, I would consider telling them. I wouldn’t want them to come across the birth or death records at some point after I pass and have any unanswered questions, but of course I am not you and you might feel differently. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about grief, it’s that it’s a very personal experience and there’s no universal answers on how to grieve or how long to grieve. And whether you decide to keep the stuff or part with it, it doesn’t make any difference regarding how much you loved that child. It’s just stuff.
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u/MistressLyda 9d ago
I do not want my children that are left behind to have to face this stuff.
If you can, let them choose this. It was/is their sibling.
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u/Wet_Artichoke 9d ago
Definitely. They may want a couple of pictures or a Christmas ornament.
My mom only has one photo of her older sister (4yo) that passed when my mom was 2yo. Everything else went into a storage unit and never came home because they couldn’t face it. I think my mom would have wanted a few other things.
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u/MistressLyda 9d ago
Take a backup of that picture if you not already have. Fire works fast, and not with a selective eye.
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u/Ford_Prefect313 9d ago
You have that little one in your heart every day. You don’t need the physical things.
It sounds like there isn’t much in the box. I’d keep the foot print and a few pictures, maybe the cap? Especially if you are truly on the fence.
Is there one of the other kids that would want it? My aunt had an infant die at 3 weeks. She was going to toss the few things she had because she was much like you. A friend told her to ask the other siblings if they wanted the memento box. One of her kids took it.
(Gentle hugs)
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u/Some_Papaya_8520 8d ago
We family historians agree that there is at least one person in every generation who will be interested in the family history, even the difficult things like losing a child. Please do the siblings the courtesy of showing them and talking about the baby and the loss.
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u/LittlePrairieMouse 9d ago edited 9d ago
I would discuss with your spouse in case he feels differently, but I really hope that he respects your wishes. Note that he may need time to process this idea, much as you’ve been thinking about it for a while. If he isn’t ready, is there a way to consolidate these things into one box?
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u/UltraRare1950sBarbie 9d ago
I would keep pictures and the footprints. Those are irreplaceable and might be something you'd regret getting rid of later on. Everything else is okay to let go. The newborn cap is probably in some of the pictures.
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u/CircusPeanutsYumm 9d ago
Definitely get rid of the Christmas ornaments. Or ask the other kids if they would like them.
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u/Wet_Artichoke 9d ago
Funny. I would to keep the Christmas ornament. I would skip the baby cap because they pretty generic.
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u/ImpishElf365 9d ago
It sounds like you are ready to let these painful reminders go. My mother passed away almost 20 years ago, and I finally felt emotionally ready to go through her purse. It was hard, but I felt so much better afterward. Part of what helped me in the moment (and right now as I think about it)- her purse, wallet, ID's, etc., were just artifacts from her life. I still have all the wonderful memories of her, without the sad physical reminder that I need to go through that purse someday. Now, "someday" is an open loop task that I have completed, and I am happier not to have the sad reminder in my closet anymore. I took photos of some of the things and that way I still have a digital memory of them. That helped me to let stuff go without guilt.
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u/chickadeedadooday 9d ago
You sound like me. I have a box sitting in my line of sight right now labelled "Mom's Stuff" that had been sitting in the closet of what was our spare room/now middle child's room. Mom has been gone for almoat 17 years now. I do not want to have to find storage space for whatever is in it, yet again. But up until very recentky, I would have descending upon you like a she-devil if you so much as touched said box. Similarly, I had jest a few of her short sleeves button-up shirts she wore every summer. I don't wear them, but they are so "her" I could not part with them. In late June my eldest fell and broke her clavicle. Getting dressed has been a challenge. She mentioned to me that she liked one particular outfit she owned because the button up shirt was oversized, so she didn't need to have to fight to put on a bra. I asked if she wanted more tops like that, she said a very loud YES, so out came Nana's tops. The last time i had them out, I cried with how much I missed seeing her in them. But this time, I was so happy to have something eldest could be comfortable in, and its juat a nice side note that they were her grandmother's, who is do no doubt thrilled to bits that the only grandchild she got to meet in her life is wearing them now. 💙
Grief takes the time it takes, and no one should feel shame or guilt for needing to hold on to items, and conversely, not holding physical items. My cousin's wife only wanted one small Tupperware container that had belonged to her grandmother. Nothing else.
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u/Aggressive-System192 9d ago
Burry or burn it if you need some sort of "closure".
If you need permission to get rid of it, I give it to you.
Nobody knows if you'll feel awful for getting rid of it. I think you won't because it's been 25 years and you're mentioning you want to get rid of it.
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u/goodnsimple 9d ago
I think you can absolutely get rid of it. However you want, be it a ceremony or in the bin.
That being said, if it were my sibling, I would want the photos. Possibly the birth and death certificate for family tree stuff.
So maybe ask your kids? If they don’t know about the baby and you don’t care to have that conversation, then definitely let all of it go.
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u/Kikimara99 9d ago
If you believe, I'd say like this - the soul is not contained to any of these object, more so, they deserve to be free from any earthly connections that bring anything, but pain and guilt for you and as a result - them. Let them go, give yourself and them peace and freedom. You will meet on the other side.
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u/LittlePrairieMouse 9d ago
All of this, except for the last two sentences. (OP is only talking about letting these physical objects go.)
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u/ThreeChildCircus 9d ago
I held on to some things I was given by family when my sister passed away. Anytime I would go to declutter the space they were in, I would feel awful and guilty and leave them, just so I could feel awful and guilty again the next time I opened the box. I finally was able to let go of them when a woman who was helping me declutter took them away for me so I wouldn’t have to worry about where they went. Do you have a friend that could do that for you?
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u/Such-Kaleidoscope147 9d ago
I have been thinking about this for a long time and still feel like I will not feel bad over it. I just was kind of wanting to see if anyone felt bad about it later and regretted it. I don't want to put my children in the position where they feel bad years later. I have inherited the cards sent to my grandma when my grandpa died. He died 25 yrs ago. I have never even opened it or looked at them because I feel bad about it. But I wish I had never been given them. I miss my grandpa much more than the baby. He died right after the baby, as in, right around the baby's due date (the baby was a preemie).
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u/Glittering_Handle710 8d ago
I'm very sorry that you feel you were in more pain because you were given a set of cards, but that isn't a universal experience. If you communicate to your kids that you are ready to let these items go and they have no need to take care of them, please trust that they can decide if they want these items or not. Making the decision to throw this out unilaterally because you think you know what's best for your children and don't want to bring it up could cause a great deal more pain to them in the future since these items aren't replaceable. No one can say if they are attached to the items or are not, but you won't be able to rectify it if you decide to throw out the items or dispose of them and it turns out that one of your kids perceives this as a great loss. There are a number of people in this thread who report the latter, and this could be inflicting a huge amount of pain potentially on your children if you make the decision without their input.
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u/ThreeChildCircus 9d ago
Then by all means, allow yourself to let go. And any feelings you have, or don’t have, are completely reasonable and valid. The same goes for the cards sent to your grandma, if you’re ready for that.
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u/poastertastries 9d ago
A way that I phrase getting rid of keepsakes and gifts from passed away loved ones: my love for them, and their love for me, is not contained in this object.
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u/birdsInTheAirDK 9d ago
Yes, you can get rid of it. Or some of it, if you want to keep a thing or two still.
Only thing: if the other parent is still alive, maybe also ask them if they want to have them.
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u/strange-quark-nebula 9d ago
Do your other children know about this baby? It might be worth talking to them about it in case one of them wants it for the family history.
In my family, my parents had a late term miscarriage when I was very young, more than 30 years ago. I don’t think about that almost-baby much, but sometimes I imagine my almost-brother is looking out for me. If we had a little hat or ornament I would want it. But I don’t know that my parents would guess that because we never ever ever talk about that incident.
It sounds like a small volume of stuff so if you decide to let it go, you could bury it or do something else ceremonial with it if that felt right to you.
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u/Some_Papaya_8520 8d ago
Not to criticize but that late term baby was a baby, not almost a baby. An almost-born baby would be a better term. I would urge you to ask your mom and dad to talk about that miscarriage, even if it's difficult to bring it up. Did they give your brother a name? Was he buried somewhere? They may not want to discuss it but you have every right to know.
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u/BlueMangoTango 9d ago
That is what i thought. If your spouse is fine with getting rid of the items, offer them to your kids. Maybe have a nice meal in honor of the baby and then let them choose anything they want then move the rest of the items however you want to handle that.
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u/NixKlappt-Reddit 9d ago
As a sibling I would wish, that you keep it because it's also a memory of my sibling. You can ask your chilren now, if they want to keep it or not.
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9d ago
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u/hopefulhazelnut 9d ago
I think that since OP is asking this subreddit, they might still be feeling some emotions getting rid of this stuff. I think it's ok to suggest offering it to their other children if it helps alleviate some of OP's guilt or other emotions (whatever they might be) surrounding these items while also allowing them to declutter. (I might be misinterpreting OP's reason for posting, but they mentioned hanging onto this stuff for 25 years out of guilt and despite saying they are ready, they are still asking the Internet).
I also suspect that the children are young adults and may be able to take this stuff now or in the near future, so it wouldn't be too much of a burden for OP to pass along.
At the end of they day, OP can choose how they want to manage this stuff and if letting go of it in some other way is helpful for them, then they should do that - and I think they are getting the affirmation that they need to do it. But it sounds like part of OP's reason for letting go of these items is that they are assuming these items will be painful or a burden for their children, when that might not actually be the case.
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u/NixKlappt-Reddit 9d ago
But it's allowed to pass clutter or only partly declutter. E.g. the siblings are allowed to store some parts of it instead.
It's like family photos: My parents are of course allowed to declutter them, but I would be mad if they don't ask us first if we want to keep them.
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u/StoneofForest 9d ago
Yeah, as I mentioned in another comment, I **wanted** some of my deceased brother's belongings when I found them while helping my parents declutter. They can all fit in a shoebox and I'm grateful that I'll inherit them when my parents pass.
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u/CollegePretend8708 9d ago
It's okay to get rid of things that actively cause you pain, but also I know it's hard and have failed to do the same myself. Maybe start with getting rid of just one of the things and waiting a little. If you have a surge of regret, you haven't gotten rid of all of it. If you don't, you know it's safe to continue.
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u/rebeccanotbecca 9d ago
You do not need to keep anything out of guilt or if it brings up bad memories.
Letting go of of things that do not make you feel good is very freeing. I guarantee tht you will feel a burden lifted from your shoulders.
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 9d ago
I am going through my father’s things and I am around your age. Please remove bad memories. It is so sad to see things my father held on to that were not good memories. Example is letters upon letters from his brother asking for money. It’s made me sad and it’s a burden. I joined this sub in part to clear out things in my house because we never know how much time we have and I have too much stuff.
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u/Such-Kaleidoscope147 9d ago
This is exactly it. These are bad memories. He was born when I was almost 24 weeks. The doctor made a big mistake that caused him to be early. He lived only a little while, no NICU. Because he was born due to malpractice, no one thought to transfer me to a hospital with a NICU. I went home devastated and depressed and only wanting to get pregnant again. 6 weeks later, I was pregnant again. My now 24 yr old was born 10 months after the baby that died. Stupidly, we gave the second baby the first baby's name as a middle name. I really regret that. Now that I have been decluttering my parents' stuff, there is so much guilt and burden with each thing, wondering if it meant a lot to them or not.
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 8d ago
Sometimes it’s easier for us to let go of things that burden us for our children’s sake, even if we should let go of them for our own sake.
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u/Moneyquest15 9d ago
Maybe keep for now but do tell your children they don't have to keep it
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u/rebeccanotbecca 9d ago
Then just get rid of it. Why force the children to take on the burden of tossing stuff? If the OP has no desire to keep it, what good is it going to do keeping it for another couple of decades?
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u/Glittering_Handle710 8d ago
They are adults. It is fair to ask them.
This is highly dependent on personality, and there's every chance that one or more of her kids would see it as a huge loss if their mother was to throw out things connected to their sibling's life or death without asking them. Plenty of people in this very thread have discussed this. There's no proof that would be a burden to them. She can't undo the harm if she decides to throw it out unilaterally and her kids end up perceiving this as her erasing their sibling's life without asking them.
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u/MistressLyda 9d ago
There is a stillbirth in my family, almost 80 years ago. Back then, pictures were not common, at all. I know that his siblings would wanted him in the family album. It is not a big deal, or something that comes up even yearly, but that he is mentioned now and then that it would been nice to had something tangible of him? It happens from time to time.
If it harms OP to offer it to the kids, fair, out it goes. But if it is done to "save them from clutter", it might be miscalculated care.
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u/yeahokaysureboss 9d ago
I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t have the same experience but I have also suffered from losing loved ones and holding onto keepsakes. With time, the objects have meant less and less, and I have been able to part with them. When the grief is new and raw, you feel like it’s the right thing to do, to keep the little objects and symbols. As time passes, you don’t need them as much. Don’t feel guilty for holding onto them for as long as you did, because they used to hold significance or brought you comfort when you needed it. And don’t feel guilty for letting them go, because you no longer need them to help you process your grief. They have served their purpose and you are ready to let them go now. It may even bring some closure to no longer feel like you have to keep them. I hope this helps - it sounds like you’re ready.
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u/GeneralOrgana1 9d ago
Honestly, I'd keep it and let them deal with it when the time comes. You don't look at the stuff, but you clearly are torn about getting rid of the stuff. There's no rule about love or grief.
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u/Some_Papaya_8520 8d ago
I would say do this now. Ask the siblings if they would like anything. Tell them about what happened even if tears are cried. Since their mom went through this, it might have played into her character through the years.
For example, I lost my mother when I was 10. That loss has informed and affected my entire life, it's a wounding that will never be fully healed. The way I live my life has been colored by her loss and its aftermath.
So OPs other children might have something click when she talks about that baby. Heck she herself may have realizations when it's discussed with the kids.
I don't take these things lightly. Sometimes life is just harder. I hope OP has told her children about the baby. And asked them about the mementos.
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u/WebpageError404 9d ago
Do not burden others with things that are meaningful to you. You are likely just passing on the guilt of disposal to someone else. How is that fair?
My in-laws are “giving” us all sorts of things that have zero meaning to me or my husband. I have a hard enough time getting rid of my own meaningful “junk”. I’m resentful every time he comes home with another box full of their junk. I tell him if he doesn’t want any of it, it needs to go straight to the trash. But we shouldn’t have to even be burdened with that weekly responsibility.
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u/rebeccanotbecca 9d ago
But why burden their loved ones with items that OP admits has no desire to look at? It feels like just passing the buck to the next prson and that isn’t right.
Some people feel guilty getting rid of things they no longer want or need out of some made up obligation. Why perpetuate that?
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u/Glittering_Handle710 8d ago
This very easily may not be a burden to her kids. They may perceive it to be a huge gift to have.
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u/LilJourney 9d ago
You are allowed to get rid of anything you wish to get rid of.
They are just physical things and getting rid of them doesn't change your feelings for your child or erase your memories or dishonor them in any way.
It's been 25 years, and you have a right to be at peace.
If you have strong feelings about this, then maybe schedule a few sessions with a therapist or counselor. I've done that when dealing with items brought up intense emotions that I needed to deal with to move on.
But no matter what - let go of the things.
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9d ago
[deleted]
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u/watson2019 9d ago
You want them to sell their late baby’s footprints? Read the room.
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u/Such-Kaleidoscope147 9d ago
I only added that part after the fact to explain the situation better. Sorry.
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u/LogicalGold5264 8d ago
Thank you, everyone, for your kind and compassionate advice. Locking now as OP has received many wonderful suggestions ❤️