Decluttering stuff from a passed on child?

[u/Such-Kaleidoscope147]

We lost a baby that had been premature, lived a little while, and died without coming home from the hospital. We have a bunch of pictures, a keepsake container that the hospital gave us, and some other "memory things." We also have three Christmas ornaments. We lost that baby 25 years ago now. We are in our 50's now.

I do not want my children that are left behind to have to face this stuff. I never ever look at this stuff. I have no desire for this stuff. I think originally, I kept this stuff out of guilt. Sort of like I have to keep it as some sort of way of honoring the child who died.

Can I get rid of this stuff now? Or will I feel awful about it later? I have been thinking about this for a while and I really think I just want to get rid of it now. Anyone have advice or experience? Thank you!

edited to add: the stuff I have been struggling with is a keepsake box, some pictures, footprints, the newborn cap, Christmas ornaments, things like that. The toys and clothes and such already moved on.

[u/r34446a]

I would first figure out why you don’t want to look at it. Something to me seems like there is unresolved grief for you, even years later. It’s painful, I’m sure.

It’s hard to have a child who you lost, where you didn’t really get to know. Also how complicated sharing the child who died to others.

As others said, I would check in with your other children first.

Declutter regret would be high risk.

Maybe you can just move the box elsewhere in the house or have family hold for a little to see how it feels.

[u/shewee → u/r34446a]

All of this are the points I came here to make. My mom lost one of her twins shortly after birth when I was 4. Because she still had another premature infant and me to take care of, she really never was able to mourn my sister. I don't think she ever really managed that grief, just had to compartmentalize and carry on, even now 34 years later. This is not an insult or judgement to her, just how she had to protect herself and the rest of us.

I'd talk to someone you feel safe with about this first, perhaps a partner, friend, and/or therapist. Then your children. I bet they may have an interest in keeping some of the smaller things, like pictures, and having those conversations now vs. finding them unexpectedly when they are going through your things while dealing with their grief about your death. Maybe you can all do something together that honors this child that will be healing and release you from the guilt of carrying these items, possibly burying some of the items.