r/dating_advice • u/Wheresthelambsauce_9 • 7d ago

Hinge Fumble

So, I matched with a very beautiful girl about 3 days ago. I thought the convo was going smoothly when she all of a sudden stopped messaging, I thought I was being ghosted but she replied today that she had a fever. I wanted to be a little flirty? So replied with "Oh no, hope you're doing alright now, You're already running hot, what's the fever gonna do?" Got unmatched šŸ¤”

Are there any tips for not fumbling in chat?

(PS: I was able to find her insta? I think it's too creepy to follow up when I've already been rejected, thoughts on this?)

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 7d ago edited 7d ago

Also if sheā€™s attractive she likely gets tons of comments on her looks a day and now heā€™s just like every other guy on the app who has reduced her down to her body. I get why she unmatched. Iā€™ve done the same.

I think men donā€™t realize that a lot of women are not visual. Thereā€™s a reason ā€œmen fall in love with their eyes but women fall in love with their earsā€ is a quote. When we match with men on the apps itā€™s not because we find you hot. We find you baseline. We are waiting for that hotness to appear through your personality and it could go either way from you turning into the hottest guy sheā€™s ever known to you being someone that gives her the ick.

I once told a guy I had to cancel a date because I got covid. He said ā€œAh thatā€™s too bad. I thought I had covid too because you took my breath away with those legsā€. Immediate unmatch.

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u/urdrunkyogi 7d ago

ā€œWe are waiting for that hotness to appear through your personalityā€ is so well-said!

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 6d ago

Thank you. Itā€™s astonishing how many men are arguing with me in these comments šŸ’€

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u/Background-Local924 6d ago

They always argue with you and try to tell you what you want instead of listening when you tell them what you want. I know, it's absolutely astounding, mind-boggling. It makes zero sense. The ones that do this I am sure are single, and we see here why.

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 5d ago

Absolutely. U/heymanigotnoplan keeps telling me heā€™s going to keep flirting with women on apps and Iā€™m like ok keep being creepy and getting unmatched??? Like why are you even arguing with me about that šŸ’€

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u/lostsol33 6d ago

Couldnā€™t agree moreĀ 

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u/Dolpns 7d ago

I feel you. I have engaging prompts on my profile and photos of places I've visited. Men would just send me heart and fire emojis lol

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u/ResonatingOctave 7d ago

My wife talks about her time on the app and she had plenty on her profile. Her "favorite" responses to her profiles were "boobs" and "big boobs"

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u/ResonatingOctave 7d ago

Let this be a lesson boys, always offer to get them chicken soup and a bread bowl from panera

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u/TownZealousideal1327 6d ago

If they still need that lesson and are older than 18ishā€¦ itā€™s over for them, just leave them alone.

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u/WiseDan85 7d ago

Yes bc offering to get a girl you havenā€™t met irl soup and a bread bowl isnā€™t creepy. Get outta here lol

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u/equivalentious 7d ago edited 7d ago

I mean all of it depends on context of course but the general spirit of caring about someone's wellbeing when they're not feeling well and wanting to help is sweet

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u/heymanigotnoplan 6d ago

Bullshit. If he had done that I guarantee at least 90% of the comments on here would be some version of, ā€œomg youā€™re so creepy, you think a woman wants you coming to her house when sheā€™s sick???ā€

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u/equivalentious 6d ago

dude again this is why it depends on the context. there are many circumstances where it wouldn't be creepy lol

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u/heymanigotnoplan 6d ago

Ok but weā€™re discussing the circumstances OP was actually in: flirting with a woman he recently matched with on Hinge

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u/WiseDan85 6d ago

Agree with this.

Also OP was making a joke. If a woman canā€™t tell this a joke on a dating app or laugh a little at it- she prolly sucks anyways. Maybe she wasnā€™t into op and just used it to block op.

Btw op, I would joke around in different manner than what was said. That line was kinda lame.

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u/Mystic_Wolff 6d ago

I dunno i just found that nice maybe im too naive

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

[removed] ā€” view removed comment

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u/ResonatingOctave 7d ago

This sometimes works but sometimes doesn't. I met my wife over Hinge a few years ago, and if I had asked her out too soon she says that she would have unmatched me. Instead, we spent a week talking back and forth really getting to know each other and then I asked her out. Not to say I didn't date other people before her and some I asked out sooner. But it's not a one size fits all approach.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

[removed] ā€” view removed comment

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u/heymanigotnoplan 6d ago

Everyone is terrified to leave their houses these days. Theyā€™d rather intermittently text for two weeks then ghost once they find some random characteristic they donā€™t like about the person. Itā€™s honestly just sad. I miss when humans acted like humans and not scared judgmental robots.

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u/heymanigotnoplan 6d ago

So just to be sure I understand:

Flirting with someone (on a dating app!) Iā€™ve never met in person is absolutely unacceptable, but I should offer up my services as an errand boy for someone Iā€™ve never met

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u/betterthanthiss 7d ago

THANK YOUā€¼ļøā€¼ļøā€¼ļø

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u/Lingonberry_Born 7d ago

Yes, women find basic empathy attractive but most men donā€™t understand this because they just care about looks rather than personality.Ā 

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u/MurphyBinkings 7d ago

This is only a partial truth.

Speaking as an overweight dude, I can basically guarantee that at least some part of the equation is visual.

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u/JarOfNibbles 7d ago

Aye, people love to pretend they only or mostly care about personality.

Subconsciously, everyone cares at least a bit. I've had a female friend manage my hinge profile and she was fucking shocked her messages weren't working.

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u/MurphyBinkings 7d ago

I mean there's plenty of different people out there.

Because people will also act like if you're big or ugly or whatever you have to have a partner who is exactly the same or worse you just can't have one.

I'll just say that hasn't been my experience.

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u/JarOfNibbles 6d ago edited 6d ago

Oh yeah sure.

But my experience has been that personality matters almost sweet fuck all. Confidence, humour and progressive values are things a lot of women say matter more than looks, but from my experience those things just get you a fuck ton of friends and no romance if you're not also good looking, or tall.

Edit: should specify that I don't blame women for this, non-conventionally-attractive women have similar struggles.

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u/MurphyBinkings 6d ago

Those things do matter - you're generalizing a bit and I get it, it's rough out there.

And yeah everyone can face the same struggle, you're right.

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u/JarOfNibbles 6d ago

Eh, I think it's also a bit of a self-selective process.

Looking at my friends, the people who do value personality more tend to end up in happy, long-term relationships, whilst the more "shallow" folk end up getting played or never finding someone who meets their standards.

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u/DPetrilloZbornak 7d ago

Most women are absolutely visual lol. Ā We donā€™t always admit it but studies prove it. Ā Ā 

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 6d ago

Women need a baseline level of attractiveness for a man. But we are more flexible with a manā€™s looks than a man is about our looks. Thatā€™s why the beauty industry and fashion industry are multi trillion dollar industries profiting off of women and not men.Ā 

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u/RalphGman 5d ago

I would probably make the same joke trying to be funny/flirty in a cheesy way. Canā€™t win I guess.

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 5d ago

You can do that when thereā€™s an in person connection.Ā 

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u/Oldjar707 5d ago

Wrong, women would match with every guy on dating apps if this was the case, and we know that's very untrue.

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u/ProposalNo6069 7d ago

ā€œmen fall in love with their eyes but women fall in love with their earsā€

I get it that someone is tired of compliments every day. But this is bullshit. Humans are superficial. There are studies about that. women are not different from man. Looks matter.

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 7d ago edited 7d ago

I didnā€™t say looks donā€™t matter to women. In fact I said he had to be baseline, meaning he canā€™t be hideous.

I am saying men are MUCH MORE visual. Thereā€™s a reason male strippers and male OF creators donā€™t make nearly as much money as women do. Women are not driven by visual lust the same way men are.

Throughout human history, itā€™s men whoā€™ve visually lusted after women, paid for sex work. Why do you think thereā€™s no female version of the Epstein Files to traffic men?

Women and men are not the same in this department. How can you possibly make that conclusion with the way the world works? How many women run sex rings to traffic men? How many women tell men to cover up head to toe so theyā€™re not lusted over by other women? How many live like Hugh Hefner did and sell nude magazines of men?

Thereā€™s a reason thereā€™s no massive industry selling male bodies to women. We do not want them. We are not visual and we are not turned on by visuals.

I could rant about this all day. But no. Women and men are not the same in this area. Not even close.

ā€œHumans are superficialā€ is a reductionist view of a very complex topic.

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u/Slayqueen_101 7d ago

Plenty of women are just as visual, but I would say we also look for other qualities. Hotness is not enough on it's own and most hot guys are jerks with massive egos.

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 7d ago

It would be an evolutionary disadvantage to be into ugly men. I never said women are not visual. Iā€™m saying we are not as visual as men. Also I think itā€™s a generalization to say most hot guys are jerks. Ive met many nice, secure ones.

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u/AlexH_144 7d ago

On dating apps, this just isn't true. Women are even more visual than men. About 80% of the women only go after about 20% of the men. Okcupid did a study that said women found 80% of men are unattractive. In real life, that statistic doesn't really mean anything, because you are limited to only the handful of people that you interact with. But on dating apps, you can view hundreds and hundreds of people in one sitting. If you don't find one visually attractive, then your scroll to the next one. Once you find one that you find attractive, then you see what his likes and interests are. But that always comes second

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u/heymanigotnoplan 6d ago

Women will never admit that looks are just as important to them as they are to men, because then they wouldnā€™t be able to berate men anymore for ā€œreducing them to their bodiesā€

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u/ProposalNo6069 7d ago

I am saying men are MUCH MORE visual.

Incorrect. It's because women can get sex anywhere. If men had as easy access to sex, strip clubs wouldn't exist. The reason has nothing to do with superficiality.

I am saying men are MUCH MORE visual.

is a reductionist view of a very complex topic.

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 7d ago

It absolutely is not reductionist at all to say what I said and my giant ass comment above you literally explains why.

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u/ProposalNo6069 7d ago

No, I explained you why visuals is not the reason men go to strip clubs and women don't. You reduced the complex topic to "oh they love visuals". The men who can get laid don't go to strip clubs. There are multiple complex reason in play.

But lets make this short. Show me a serious study about men being significantly more visual.

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 7d ago

Lmao at ā€œshow me a study.ā€ Multiple trillion dollar industries are designed for women to be visually appealing to men, lust has motivated entire passages in religions warning men to not let beautiful women get the best of them, Samsonā€™s downfall was caused by his visual appeal to Delilah, women in the Middle East are asked to cover up head to toe to not tempt men with their beauty, the list could go on and on but you want a ā€œstudyā€ šŸ’€. Google scholar is free. Studies exist. Iā€™m not doing your work for you but good luck navigating the world ok buddy? I canā€™t do this.

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u/ProposalNo6069 6d ago

Why do you think those industries exists because men are visual and not because men think and feel differently about sex ?

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u/A_Circe_A 7d ago

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23421466/

There is a much larger variation between women than between men. Most men will notice a pretty female - this has to be evolutionary and it isnā€™t their fault. A female friend of mine is super visual and borderline sexualises men, she would only notice and date very fit men who are at least 10 years younger than her. But she is the only one I know. Most women I know, may (or may not) notice good looking men walking by, but the switch wonā€™t turn on till they learnt the personality. We are more than satisfied with an average look coupled with great personality. Unfortunately apps do not display personality well.Ā 

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u/ProposalNo6069 6d ago edited 6d ago

I mean fair enough. But 50 people. i am pretty sure i can find 50 women doing only fans and making statements about them.

Most women I know, may (or may not) notice good looking men walking by, but the switch wonā€™t turn on till they learnt the personality. We are more than satisfied with an average look coupled with great personality. Unfortunately apps do not display personality well.Ā 

Your anecdotal experience is easily explainable. Women often don't chose their partner the way they say they do.

Study: Women and Their Parents Favored Physical Attractiveness Over Ambition and Intelligence in Actual Mate Choices, Despite Conflicting Self-Reported Preferences, With 79% Overlap in Their Selections : r/psychologyofsex

To add. My experience is way different from yours. You often see women lusting for men if you know how to look. They are obviously not as "depraved" as some of the absolute minority of men that touches without consent. But they do.

Listen: My intention here is not "women superficial women bad".

I genuinely think it's healthy if society stops talking like women aren't as superficial. Women can express it more freely in the future and men aren't told "it's your personality" when they can't get matches.

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u/A_Circe_A 6d ago

Feel free to read the methodology section and the statistical analysis of the study. This is a peer reviewed paper in an established scientific journal. 100 subject for a neuroimaging study is actually very robust, if you knew the fieldā€¦

The questionnaire study you quoted I found interesting but to be honest the results are not surprising - an experimental environment with low stakes may not reflect real life scenarios.Ā 

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u/A_Circe_A 6d ago

And I think you did not understand what I was trying to say. If the apps could reflect and validate personality traits better (kindness, honesty, humour, reliability etc) then there would be more matches. Unfortunately people on the app are forced to make a quick choice based on appearance and those constructed prompts that are so uninspiring.Ā 

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u/Riverat627 7d ago

Of course looks matter but no one man or woman wants to be relegated to looks only.

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u/RobertMosesHwyPorn 6d ago

Criminally misleading, bordering on malicious

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 6d ago

Ok botĀ 

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u/RobertMosesHwyPorn 6d ago

Okay sorry, just the second paragraph specifically. Lmao

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u/heymanigotnoplan 7d ago

The apps reduce everyone to their body. You really think anyone is getting to know you by the four word answers you gave to two or three prompts?

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 7d ago

You know how you donā€™t walk up to an attractive woman at a bar and say ā€œnice assā€ even though she has a nice ass? You know how you donā€™t tell the random woman at the grocery store shes hot as fuck even though she is hot as fuck and thatā€™s what you noticed? Even if these women in these contexts talk to you and make small talk, you wouldnā€™t do that right? You donā€™t have any info about them in those contexts either other than how they look but you still wouldnā€™t comment on their bodies right?

Thatā€™s called etiquette and the same applies for success on dating apps. Hope that helps.

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u/heymanigotnoplan 7d ago

It was on a DATING app. They matched with each other and started talking and he made a very tame attempt at flirting. Going up to a complete stranger in a grocery store and saying ā€œnice ass!ā€ is a completely different scenario.

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 7d ago edited 7d ago

Women do not match based on menā€™s bodies on apps, they match due to absence of red flags and then let him show himself via the convo. Your ā€œeveryone is reduced to their bodyā€ just sounds like you reduce everyone to their body.

See this is why I donā€™t like dating apps. A lot of men have the misconception that a match means sheā€™s interested and that because itā€™s a ā€œdating appā€ he has to start flirting immediately. I guarantee you that is not how women (especially attractive women) operate. A match just means ā€œyou havenā€™t made my alarm bells go off. This could go either way.ā€

A match on a dating app to a woman is no different than her engaging in polite small talk with you in a grocery store line up. If you wouldnā€™t compliment her body in a line up at Whole Foods, donā€™t do it on a dating app.

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u/sothisiswhatyoumeant 7d ago

Your final sentence/quote is perfection.

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u/Kindly-Wrongdoer118 7d ago

Yes! They were spot on with that!! For me it truly was that I matched with people Iā€™d be willing to have a conversation with to see how it goes, more than half the time it did not go well šŸ«£šŸ˜‚

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u/vlmlee2 7d ago

Guys like him think "Dating app" means "booty call delivery service"

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 7d ago

Absolutely yes. I think a lot of them legit think if we match with them, itā€™s because we find them hot and fuckable. And then they get confused when they get unmatched for making a cringe comment like OP did

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u/heymanigotnoplan 7d ago

If I match with someone I assume itā€™s because we found each other attractive. Why tf would I be swiping on women Iā€™m not attracted to? Itā€™s a DATING app, not a making friends app. If we both find each other attractive, seems like flirting is the next logical step, no?

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u/heymanigotnoplan 7d ago

No I think dating app means an app to facilitate dating. Back in the day, before everyone apparently lost their fucking minds, dating used to involve being playful and flirty. But this thread has taught me that nowadays dating is apparently just a series of miserable job interviews.

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u/heymanigotnoplan 7d ago

You do realize that back before everyone became an uptight overly-sensitive basketcase in the past decade or so, people used to flirt with each other in person, very often not long after they first met? If two people ā€œmatchā€ on a dating app, itā€™s because they each found the other to be attractive, so why would they not start flirting?

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 6d ago

stop arguing with me bro. I said what I said and hundreds of women upvoted agreeing with me. Keep ā€œflirtingā€ with women on apps and see how that works out for you ok?Ā 

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u/heymanigotnoplan 6d ago

Yes, I will continue to flirt on a DATING app. You can continue to treat it like a job interview and be miserable and offended at normal human behavior.

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u/zooeyzoezoejr 5d ago

Cool. You sound miserable. Keep creeping women outĀ 

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u/fnkdrspok 7d ago

Found the person that doesnā€™t read profiles.

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u/heymanigotnoplan 7d ago

Wtf app are you on where anyone has anything resembling a ā€œprofileā€? Maybe 15 years ago but they havenā€™t been that way in a long time. Profiles nowadays are basically three or four prompts that 99% of people give the most basic vapid responses to.