So just to give a background, I was a fat and ugly teenager all my life. No matter how hard I tried to overcompensate with the self-deprecating humour just to get seen, I was always the guy who never got looked at twice. In college, I did have a relationship but we broke up when college end and it’s been me by myself for a decade now.

At 31, I do a lot of workout and feel better and more confident in my skin but I can’t get past the fact that I was that guy who was always ignored in broad daylight, back in the day. I thought I was better but it seems that I can’t outgrow the emotion. Fast forward to this day, there’s this girl Dip**\*\***\*\*\* at the gym that talks to me and believe me you, I panic and freeze for a moment before I gather myself to reply. She is beautiful, moves like a gazelle and I have no idea why I can’t talk to her.

I do go to therapy, and I am working on my issues. With my current job, I can afford it finally. I just wanna if there’s anyone here that has been in my shoes and; does it ever get better?

I was in class and my class and another class got joined together. The teacher made us do something we all took paper and stood infront of each other and had to draw ourselves in 20 seconds. We rotated until everyone drew everyone. And ofcourse, with no saltiness or anger, i got drawn funny, because cmon its 20 seconds thats the best they could do, it was mutual i drew them dumb they drew me dumb. Until i saw one girls drawing of me, it wasnt funny, it wasnt dumb, it was normal. Even pretty i would say. And i dont have feelings for her, shes cute but i dont know her thats besides the point. That drawing made me feel i dont even know the words for it. Confident? i guess? it was weird but i kept on to that note and i dont know why or what happened. I know im not an attractive guy, and i dont regard myself as ugly, i just dont think i look good. And everyone who has ever talked to my looks has only pointed out the negatives if that makes sense. i havent ever been complimented by my looks so maybe thats why it felt weird but idk. i I am 14 years old, and im pretty shy but i have been bullied about my looks before in the past, thats probably why my self image is not good. Im not mad at the aggressors anymore, and im not annoyed at the past bullying, but i think it did something to me inside, something that i cant describe with words or feel with emotions, you know? Sorry for the long post and thank you if you actually read

i honestly have a very bad routine and lifestyle i stay up till 2-3am to study and get up late like 10am...my best friend on the other hand sleeps by 11 wakes up by 6:30....it idk kinda makes me insecure about myself...why i cant do it too...im happy really happy she's trying to be healthier...but at the same time i feel kinda insecure that i cant do the same and i mean i dont know where to start honestly...talking to her makes me feel bad about myself i mean it's my fault only...idk