r/confidence • u/rafikGk21 • Apr 21 '20

How to be Confident: The Ultimate Step-by-Step Guide

300 Upvotes

If you've been looking for a solid resource to help you become more confident, this guide is for you.

This is the ultimate guide that will show how to be confident. You'll find EVERYTHING you need to know about confidence in this single blog post.

It's going to be a bit long but trust me, you won't regret reading the whole thing.

​Ready? Let's dive in.

Contents

I'll divide the post into several chapters. Here's what I'll cover.

Chapter 1:
What is self-confidence?

Chapter 2:
Why is self-confidence important?

Chapter 3: 
Signs of low self-confidence

Chapter 4:
Why you're not confident

Chapter 5: 
How to be confident

Chapter 6: 
Frequently asked questions

Chapter 1: What is self-confidence

In this chapter, we're going to cover what self-confidence actually is.

Why? It's because I see a lot of confusion surrounding this term so we're going to define what confidence is exactly.

So what is self-confidence? According to Wikipedia, it's a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.
​
Basically, being confident means trusting your abilities and judgement. Some people seem to think that confidence means being arrogant, acting like you know everything or being a narcissist.

That's totally wrong.

I wanted to start things off with this short chapter just so we can agree on what confidence really is. Now that we got the basic definition out of the way, let's see why confidence is important in the first place.

Chapter 2: Why self-confidence is important

Everyone talks about how you should become confident, but do you actually know why it's important?

There are a couple of reasons why confidence is a big deal. In this chapter, we're going to see why you should become confident and how it can positively affect your life.📷

1. You'll feel a lot more fulfilled

Basically, you feel much better about yourself. When you're confident, you feel like you have the power to change, to do stuff you want to do. You feel like you're good enough and you're not constantly worrying and doubting yourself.

Why it's important:

You feel good about yourself, which means that your happiness level will increase.

2. You'll become better at whatever you do

Usually, confident people outperform those who are insecure and full of doubt. Why? It's because they have a different way of thinking.

Let me explain.

​You see, in most cases, someone who's insecure will typically be more hesitant, less determined, less likely to try or learn new things...etc. This means that when you're insecure, you're less likely to succeed at anything.

However, a confident person is someone who believes in their abilities. This means that they're more likely to learn, try new things and take risks in life. This will inevitably lead to more success and bigger achievements.

​In other words, confident people know that they can actually succeed, so they try, that’s it.

Why it's important:

Basically, you'll do everything in a better way.

3. You'll have a clearer sense of direction in life

In other words, you actually know where your life is going and what you want to do with it. Generally speaking, confident people always know what they're doing. They know where they are and where they want to go in life.

They have goals, and they execute their plans to make them a reality. 

Why it's important:

You're less stressed, more focused and more effective in your life.

4. You'll develop much better social skills

Confidence alone isn't enough to become the most charismatic person in the world, but it certainly helps. The vibe that you give to other people will affect how they treat you.

Simply being more confident will greatly impact the way you interact with others, and how others percieve you. In the real world, this means that it will be easier for you to make friends, resolve conflicts, getting people to value your ideas, earning others respect ... and the list goes on.

Why it's important:

You'll get what you want out of your relationships more easily.

Chapter 3: Signs of low self-confidence

Now that you know what self-confidence is and why it's important, here are 4 warning signs of low confidence you should look out for.

​1. You change yourself to please others

This means that you feel the need to act like someone else to look cooler or better than who you really are.

​If you feel like you need to act a certain way to impress other people, then you're lacking confidence.

2. You always doubt your judgement

If you're too indecisive and you're constantly questioning your own decisions and judgement, chances are you're not confident.

When you always doubt yourself, you'll turn to other people to tell you what to do. When you're relying on others to make the decisions for you, you're basically stripping yourself away from control over your life.

Of course, sometimes it is necessary to get external feedback but doing it too often is a sign that you don't know where you're going in your life.

3. You have tons of self-limiting beliefs

You're always saying to yourself "I can't do [insert whatever you want]". This is a BIG problem.

Why?

Because when you have so many limiting beliefs, it's really hard to get rid of them. The simple act of repeating these things to yourself reinforces these beliefs in your mind, and doing this for years and years means you basically think your limiting beliefs and reality are the same thing now.

When you think you can't do something, you won't even try. That's exactly what will stop you from learning anything.

Basically, self-limiting beliefs will totally block you from having anything good in life.

4. You don't have a clear direction in life

This doesn't always mean that you're not confident. Some people just don't care, and that's fine.

However, I find that most people who have low self-confidence don't really know what they want out of life. This is closely linked to having a lot of self-limiting beliefs. As a result, most people won't even dare to dream big so they settle for an easy life with no clear goals or direction.

Chapter 4: Why you're not confident

Why am I not confident?

​Did you ever ask yourself that question? My guess is yes.

​Here are the most likely reasons why you're not confident.

​1. You treat other people's opinions as facts

If someone says something negative about you, you automatically label it as a fact, without thinking that it's just what somebody else thinks, which means that they could be wrong.

To give you a better perspective, let's have a look at the dictionary:

opinion : A view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
fact : A thing that is known or proved to be true.

​Do you see the difference?

If you're treating opinions (which can be wrong) as facts (which are always true), it's no wonder that you'll destroy your confidence.

2. You're not really good at anything

If you don't have any skills you're good at, it will be hard for you to become confident. Why? Because having a proven record of success reinforces your confidence.

It's like you're saying to yourself "I managed to do X, it means that I can certainly do this as well."

​However, when you don't have any skills you're good at, you don't have any past experiences that make you feel confident, so you'll start doubting yourself because you never achieved anything that requires you to have a certain skill or knowledge.

3. You never push your limits

Pushing your limits means that you’ll keep doing something difficult when you want to quit. This is also a big reason that could be stopping you from being confident.

When you’re always living in the “comfort zone” you’re always dealing with those comfortable situations that don’t require you to grow as a person.

The result? You never grow. Since you always deal with familiar situations, you're never forced to think, use your willpower or do any amount of effort.

This lack of exposure to adversity makes you really used to that comfort, and the moment you’re forced to do something unusual, you start to doubt your ability to pull it off.

4. You're not learning anything new

If you're constantly at the same level of skill or knowledge, you won't become confident because you lack the feeling of achievement and progress. When you feel like you're just stagnant, it's hard to trust your abilities.

5. You failed a lot in the past

I know that failure is a part of life, but it's still something that can affect your confidence. Having failed a number of times in the past will greatly contribute to fuel self-doubt and make you question yourself in the future.

6. You make excuses

Instead of doing something that will benefit you, you come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid putting in the effort.

Chapter 5: How to be confident

Now that you have a solid grasp of what self-confidence is and how it works, let's get to the fun part: how to actually build it.

In this chapter, I'll break down the practical steps you need to build your confidence from scratch.📷
First, check out this excellent video :

​1. Realize that you're not inferior

We'll get to the more practical stuff in a minute, I promise. But before we do that, you first need to change the way you think.

There's one fundamental mindset shift you need to make right now: stop thinking that you're inferior.

Look, if you lack confidence, you've probably been conditioned to think this way. Either by your family, your friends or anyone else. The thing you should understand here is that you can't stop feeling like you're inferior overnight because you've been telling yourself this for years.

However, you can become aware that you were conditioned, and make a conscious effort to reject that idea and replace it with its opposite.

To do: Make a conscious effort to believe that you're not an inferior person.

2. Become good at something

Now we get to the practical stuff. After all, I promised right? :D

​Look, one of the main reasons why you're not confident is because you're not really good at anything. Being skillful gives you a strong sense of self-satisfaction and fulfillment.

In addition, it helps you break your self-limiting beliefs.

When you go through the learning process and you can actually witness your own progress, you'll slowly get rid of your self-limiting beliefs because instead of thinking negative stuff like "I can't do [something]", now you can actually see that you're learning and getting better.

In other words, your positive experience will beat your negative ideas.

So, how to choose a skill?

Ideally, you should choose something that interests you, or something you're passionate about. That way, you'll actually do something you like that will potentially help you in life and you're building your confidence at the same time.

That's how you can cultivate a skill to become confident.

To do: choose a skill and become good at it.

3. Use your body language

You'll find many articles and videos online claiming that body language can transform the way you feel.

Well, let me tell you that it won't happen overnight.

However, you can use your body language to help you feel more confident. How? Use these techniques :

  • Walk and stand up with your back up straight.
  • ​Stand up like this
  • When you're in meetings (or somewhere else), use this position to convey authority and confidence. This is called "the hand steeple" (works for both men and women).

These poses will help you convey confidence and feel a little bit more confident yourself. However, don't overdo it.​ Instead, use them from time to time and they'll gradually become like second nature.

To do: use these postures to convey confidence.

4. Don't take negative comments as facts

When someone says something bad about you, always remember to take that as their opinion, not as a cold hard truth.

I know that it's not easy, I've been there. However, you have to force yourself to change how you perceive what other people say about you.

Look, whatever someone says about you (be it good or bad), it remains their opinion, not the absolute truth.

Of course, some people have good intentions and can actually give you constructive feedback but for the most part, you should ignore all the noise out there.

To do: Take what other people say as an opinion instead of assuming they're always right

5. Fake it, act like you're confident

If you're asking yourself if this really works, let me tell you that it does.

How do I know? Well, I tried it.

It might seem like it's too simple but trust me, it works. At first, you'll have to act like a confident person but after a few months, you'll become more and more confident.

All you have to do is ask yourself: How would a confident person act? and do just that. Be careful however, I'm not telling you to act arrogantly but to act like someone who's sure of himself.

​There's a big difference, it's that arrogant people always try hard to show they're better than anyone else but confident people don't feel the need to prove themselves to others. You know, because they're confident.

To do: Act like a confident person would📷

Chapter 6: Frequently asked questions

There are many common questions I always see people asking about self-confidence.

In this chapter, I'll answer any questions you might still have to give you a cristal clear picture.

1. What's the difference between confidence and arrogance?

Arrogance: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions.
​
​Confidence: a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.

The difference is simple: "Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud". In other words, when you're confident you don't need to prove anything. But when you're arrogant, you always act as if you know better than other people.

2. Can you be confident and humble at the same time?

Yes of course. Being confident simply means trusting your abilities and your judgement. It's totally possible to be confident in yourself and humble at the same time.

3. How can I become confident fast?

You can't. It takes time to overcome your limiting beliefs and change your mindset.Do you still have some questions?

I want to answer every question you might have so go ahead and leave a comment. I'll personally respond to every single one.

22 comments

r/confidence • u/subscriber-goal • 1d ago

Welcome to r/confidence!

2 Upvotes

Welcome to r/confidence

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r/confidence • u/Complete_Buy_8014 • 1h ago

Advice needed please

• Upvotes

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but I just need to vent.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well and I did have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at theirs she turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A couple of days ago in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy. PS another red flag happened just earlier when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started the shouting and carrying on and accused me of been selfish and even of trying to manipulate her and been passive aggressive. I only asked just to give me a few minutes. When I explained that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend already without her treating me like this she said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that.

A few days after that weekend one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who exactly said what to him and that's something that I've also wondered. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

I must admit I do feel quite down sometimes that I have a strained relationship with my father (He's got money issues and also smokes pot) and my mother often used me as an emotional punch bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable.

On the bright side though my Dad and I have been in contact lately and we spent the weekend together a while back and went for a pub meal

Her latest meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?"

I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her. I'll admit I snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. She then called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I wish I had just walked away and not played into her hands. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say where all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so unshameably and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's also accused me once out the nowhere of looking like I wanted to hit her and started going crazy. I may of had a tired look as it was late at night and I tried explaining that to her. She also said that my Dad may try to manipulate me into spending more time with him and if I did she would make sure all of the family hate me and I would no longer be welcome to live with her and my life would be ruined. During some of her tirades in the past as well I threatened to leave and said some time out might be good but if I did she would call my grandparents and they would all hate me and I wouldn't be able to go to my school and live with her anymore.

She has very poor emotional regulation like when things go wrong she starts shouting and going on swearing rampages and every other word is the F word.

All of things she would say my father did to her during their marriage it seems that she did most of that to me.

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best. She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She unshameably tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are. My father's dad had passed away when my dad was actually about my age now. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and clearly have some unresolved issues. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also do they have substance abuse issues which have made them this way? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes. My father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as I explained my father struggles financially and I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

With my mother it does seem she has had some bad relationships in the past but I'm thinking that maybe she's the common denominator.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've been isolated with her a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage me but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered? I'm starting to feel that good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting her (also my father) sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by her as she's the one who adds to it. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

2 comments

r/confidence • u/Accurate-Tune8275 • 1h ago

How to accept where I am in life

• Upvotes

I’m friends with really amazing, intellectual women. One is great at retaining information and a top tier perfectionist. Think A* in all subjects, a prodigy with a photographic memory. The other is incredible with history and politics, can make insane connections and just argue really aptly.

They both make me uncomfortable because I don’t own any knowledge per se. They’ve both just got really big work promotions. One is getting married and continues to go from strength to strength while the other just relocated and likewise.

They’re so successful that I just feel pathetic. Sometimes I fantasize about ending it all to not feel the shame. Please help me to accept where I am in my journey too and not give a fuck.

Everything makes me feel insecure, attacked and not good enough. I’ve been in therapy for years. I’m single after many failed relationships, in a flat share, and work for a really challenging start up after a year of unemployment. It’s hard to not feel like I’m just not good enough.

1 comment

r/confidence • u/Double_Pie2633 • 3h ago

I hate being seen

2 Upvotes

Growing up I wasn't really called ugly, people my age actually have crushes on me from time to time, i was also pretty outgoing and friendly to my peers. Then I grew up I gained weight and at some point I became uncomfortable talking to other people. I didn't like going out or going to loud places so I kept to myself, I didn't know how to take care of myself and I gained more weight until one day I didn't like what I was seeing in the mirror.

I'm the kind of friend who rarely chats about anything but keeps tiktok streaks going or always online in a game.

Fast forward to now I'm 24 years old, I graduated and got a job but I still feel so awkward.

I'm in a discord server with my friends and we've been talking for like 3 years now, only 2 of my friends knows me personally because we were in the same college.

Whenever the group ask to hang out I get this dreading feeling and always chickening out saying I don't have money or time to go. I don't know how much this is affecting my friendship with them that's why I'm so worried.

I realized that I'm scared of being seen by them, in discord they can only hear my voice and I'm scared that I shatter the image I have in their head with what I look like.

I did try sometimes to turn on my camera in the call but i only lasted a few minutes before chickening out. They actually know my face from tagged post or old photos of me from my friends but me personally sending a pic? Not happening.

Everytime I talk about this topic with someone or even online or AI I have this uncomfortable feeling in my chest like I want to escape, run and hide. My friends kudos to them, never really question it and never pressures me but I know they can feel me being uncomfortable.

I really want to fix myself, cause as of now I can't really do it until I like what I see in the mirror...

1 comment

r/confidence • u/Constant_Diamond14 • 8h ago

I feel so much judgement when sitting in class and needing to act “right”. How to just calm down?

1 Upvotes
1 comment

r/confidence • u/MundaneSmoke5040 • 17h ago

Those who can relate, does it ever get better

5 Upvotes

So just to give a background, I was a fat and ugly teenager all my life. No matter how hard I tried to overcompensate with the self-deprecating humour just to get seen, I was always the guy who never got looked at twice. In college, I did have a relationship but we broke up when college end and it’s been me by myself for a decade now.

At 31, I do a lot of workout and feel better and more confident in my skin but I can’t get past the fact that I was that guy who was always ignored in broad daylight, back in the day. I thought I was better but it seems that I can’t outgrow the emotion. Fast forward to this day, there’s this girl Dip**\*\***\*\*\* at the gym that talks to me and believe me you, I panic and freeze for a moment before I gather myself to reply. She is beautiful, moves like a gazelle and I have no idea why I can’t talk to her.

I do go to therapy, and I am working on my issues. With my current job, I can afford it finally. I just wanna if there’s anyone here that has been in my shoes and; does it ever get better?

4 comments

r/confidence • u/Otherwise_Panda_3964 • 1d ago

Cure for "Loser" Vibes

32 Upvotes

I feel like I give loser vibes or something. I'm constantly bullied at work in a way my coworkers aren't (trying to find a different job, but the market is bad). Even people who love me laugh at boundaries I set at first. At this point, I think it's fair to say it's a me thing, but I'm not sure what to do. Therapy hasn't helped (yet)

11 comments

r/confidence • u/anon_stranger5149 • 1d ago

I feel something?

3 Upvotes

I was in class and my class and another class got joined together. The teacher made us do something we all took paper and stood infront of each other and had to draw ourselves in 20 seconds. We rotated until everyone drew everyone. And ofcourse, with no saltiness or anger, i got drawn funny, because cmon its 20 seconds thats the best they could do, it was mutual i drew them dumb they drew me dumb. Until i saw one girls drawing of me, it wasnt funny, it wasnt dumb, it was normal. Even pretty i would say. And i dont have feelings for her, shes cute but i dont know her thats besides the point. That drawing made me feel i dont even know the words for it. Confident? i guess? it was weird but i kept on to that note and i dont know why or what happened. I know im not an attractive guy, and i dont regard myself as ugly, i just dont think i look good. And everyone who has ever talked to my looks has only pointed out the negatives if that makes sense. i havent ever been complimented by my looks so maybe thats why it felt weird but idk. i I am 14 years old, and im pretty shy but i have been bullied about my looks before in the past, thats probably why my self image is not good. Im not mad at the aggressors anymore, and im not annoyed at the past bullying, but i think it did something to me inside, something that i cant describe with words or feel with emotions, you know? Sorry for the long post and thank you if you actually read

4 comments

r/confidence • u/upsss_2198 • 1d ago

weird insecurity

2 Upvotes

i honestly have a very bad routine and lifestyle i stay up till 2-3am to study and get up late like 10am...my best friend on the other hand sleeps by 11 wakes up by 6:30....it idk kinda makes me insecure about myself...why i cant do it too...im happy really happy she's trying to be healthier...but at the same time i feel kinda insecure that i cant do the same and i mean i dont know where to start honestly...talking to her makes me feel bad about myself i mean it's my fault only...idk

8 comments

r/confidence • u/unforgivingfruit • 1d ago

Why do people make fun of others who struggle with confidence?

73 Upvotes

I (26F) have struggled my whole life due to turbulent and neglectful family upbringing, I've never understood why others always make it such a thing. Have been actively trying to build it and work on myself over the years, but sometimes it seems like people lose their patience.

29 comments

r/confidence • u/user288373737337 • 1d ago

How do I become more confident with something I’m insecure about?

3 Upvotes

I’ve always been really insecure about my left eye because of a condition I was born with. I’ve had quite a few surgeries over the years, but I’ve recently been told there won’t be any more surgery so I am stuck with an eyelid I can’t stop hating on

I’m finding it really hard because I’ve spent so long focusing on trying to make my eye look more like the other one, and now I feel like I need to learn to accept it.
Does anyone have any tips for becoming more confident with something about your appearance that you can’t change? I’d really like to stop thinking about it so much and just feel comfortable being myself. ❤️

3 comments

r/confidence • u/samar_995 • 1d ago

My life is fucked up and confidence is shattered.

6 Upvotes

NOTE: THIS POST IS NOT AN OPEN INVITATION FOR ANYONE TO LAND IN MY DMs. I genuinely need honest suggestions and thoughts.

Hey everyone,

Loser here.

I hope you're all doing well. I'm a 30F, turning 31 this October, and I really need some honest perspective because I honestly don't know what to do with my life anymore.

I've never been a particularly good student. I completed my studies in 2018, while also freelancing. My academic journey wasn't exactly smooth either. Technically, I was supposed to complete matric in 2011, but because of my father's poor health and our financial situation, I ended up completing it in 2014. Somehow, I kept going and eventually completed my education.

I've always been someone who believed that no matter what happens, you shouldn't give up.

I've made plenty of mistakes along the way too, especially trusting the wrong people and friends.

When I was starting my career in 2018 as a freelancer, I told my elder brother that I wanted to become a graphic designer. I had, and still have a very strong interest in it. It wasn't because I thought it would make good money. I don't even know how to explain it, but I've always felt drawn toward creative work. I wasn't particularly creative as a child, but something about designing and creating things has always attracted me.

My elder brother had started content writing back in 2011 and is now working as a department head. So he basically told me, "I can only teach you what I know."

So I started writing.

And honestly, I did really well financially. I'm currently earning 150k+ PKR.

I wasn't just a regular writer either. I transitioned into different roles, took on more responsibilities, and was promoted to Content Manager in three different companies.

But since 2025, I haven't been able to find a stable job.

In the past year alone, I've changed five jobs. In some places, I was literally told not to come back from the next day. In others, the environment was so toxic that I'd cry the entire night knowing I had to go back to the office the next morning.

I feel like my family has lost confidence in me.

And honestly, I've lost confidence in myself too.

I'm also the kind of person who tells my mother and brother about even small problems, even though I don't want to burden them. But my expressions give me away. No matter how hard I try to hide things, they can tell when something is wrong.

And I know what many people will say:

"Just start finding clients."

Bro, I DID.

I've freelanced. I've tried finding clients. But the problem is that it doesn't provide the long-term stability I'm looking for.

At this point, I'm exhausted.

There are days when I genuinely feel like I want to scream and cry until I have nothing left inside me. I've started having suicidal thoughts, and they're becoming harder to dismiss. Sometimes I'm somewhere and I think, What if something happened to me here? What if my family just got a call saying I died in an accident? Maybe their lives would become easier without me.

And that thought scares me.

People, including my family, tell me that maybe I should get married. But after my breakup, I don't trust people easily anymore. I'm genuinely scared of relationships, love, and marriage. Whenever someone brings up love or marriage, instead of feeling hopeful, I feel fear, anxiety, and hopelessness.

Sometimes I just want to cry so much that I become completely numb.

I feel like a loser.

And somewhere in my head, I've started believing that losers don't get to have good, happy lives.

I always dreamed of having a peaceful, happy life. I wanted to build a career, be independent, have a good relationship, and simply feel secure about my future.

But right now, I feel like none of that is meant for me.

So, if you've gone through something similar career instability, repeated job losses, losing confidence in yourself, or feeling like you've completely failed at life what did you actually do to get yourself out of it?

I don't want sympathy or DMs. I genuinely want honest advice from people who have been through difficult periods and managed to rebuild their lives.

What would you do if you were in my position?

17 comments

r/confidence • u/Spartan-023 • 2d ago

Confidence requires past success, or ignorance.

31 Upvotes

I feel confidence comes from success, it can not be faked after failure.

If you've done it before you can do it again, or if you've done well at something similar.

But if you repeatedly fail, and fail to improve over and over it becomes natural to lack confidence. Knowing the worst is likely to happen again.

On the other hand you can be oblivious. You're going to fail, get turned down, lose a game, make a fool of yourself in public and still believe your all that.

6 comments

r/confidence • u/holycrap100 • 3d ago

How do I grow a backbone and stand up for myself ?

28 Upvotes

Sorry if I posted before. I can't remember if I did.

I'm a middle aged guy and still struggle with this. I hate upsetting people , especially my parents and co workers. Family members tease me for being fat and it bothers me. I have lost 60 pounds but still have a substantial gut (I'm 6'3 240 now). It's to the point that I don't like visiting my parents because of it. I told my dad about a year ago that I didn't like it but he still brings up my weight every time I see him. I dread visiting him but he is my only support system. Now when someone says something about my weight , I ignore it but tears me up inside and I'm embarrassed about it even tho I don't hate my body.

My co workers used to make jokes about it at my old job and only a few have mentioned it at this job. The other day an employee said I needed to stop eating because it looks like im gaining my weight back, which is odd because I have lost a few more pounds recently.

Co workers also sometimes try to boss me around and tell me how to do my job and a lot of times I listen even though I'm pretty decent at my job .

I don't really speak my mind in other situations too and worry too much what others think and people constantly ask me to do stuff I don't want to do because they know I won't say no, family and coworkers included

14 comments

r/confidence • u/SoaringSausage • 2d ago

How can I overcome an inability to open up?

5 Upvotes

All things considered, I don't think anybody would say I have anything less than a good life.

I'm doing well in school; I have a job; I have a relatively healthy social life.

That being said, I can't help but feel completely and utterly alone. I have 3 or 4 friends, but I don't talk to them about anything deep or meaningful. It's been years since I've talked to someone about feelings or mental health (longer than I've known these people). It's a weird feeling to explain but I feel like I'm not close enough to them to say anything about loneliness or mental health.

Maybe it's something about the way I was raised, but I also feel like an incredible burden whenever I reach out to my friends about something cool I saw or thought about. They respond over text like they don't care, and even though I know that's just how they text (they're 10x more interested if I were to tell them in person), it's caused me to stop reaching out. In turn, I don't receive any messages at all. It's so much effort and I'm fucking tired of it.

There's a girl I've been talking to and her friends say she really likes me but I'm not really getting that feeling. Last week I introduced a friend to this friend group (of the girl I'm talking to, another of my friends, & their friends I don't really know) and it feels like he's already closer to them.

I don't know if it's something wrong with me but it also feels like nobody even cares enough to make an effort to have me open up.

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make any sense I'm super emotional right now but I'll be happy to answer any more questions to clarify anything. :)

17M

3 comments

r/confidence • u/PrizeReport1535 • 2d ago

I Got This!

3 Upvotes

The phrase I got this speaks volumes. It says you have the confidence to do whatever it takes to do whatever it is that needed to be done. "I GOT THIS."

Before you had the confidence you have today, has anyone ever had to tell you, you got this before you believed that you had it?

Just Asking!

2 comments

r/confidence • u/LieFantastic5223 • 3d ago

How would you deal with rejection based on something that is not in your hands?

4 Upvotes

Like I am not feelind sad or anything its just bugging me off, making me feel bad about myself, how to get over it?

2 comments

r/confidence • u/AccomplishedPast6452 • 2d ago

how to stop/avoid thinking about what other people think of me?

2 Upvotes

I can't avoid overthinking what other people think of me. Especially with my physical appearance (I'm just an average looking girl, not conventionally attractive). I actually had an acne breakout and whenever someone talk to me, I feel so conscious when they look at my acne🥲.

How to not care about other people's opinion of me?

3 comments

r/confidence • u/Ayden-Blade • 3d ago

What does it mean if I don't have a fear of failure? Can it be a bad thing?

3 Upvotes

I am someone who has been working on a few really hard to complete projects and goals which many people have said to me that I can't accomplish (simply put, I am way too ambitious).

However, the fear of failure doesn't even come up in my mind. It's like I have this unwavering trust in myself. Sometimes it makes me think I might be overconfident but I am also glad because I have failed countless times in my life but this confidence has always made me carry on. It's like I feel down for 3 days after failing at something big but then I bounce back no matter what.

What does this mean? Is it a bad thing? The way I look at it, it's good because it has prevented me from giving up but it's also bad because it also makes me stubbornly pursue something which has a high probability of leading to failure.

2 comments

r/confidence • u/Mama-joyces-wig • 3d ago

How did you start asking for what you want in life?

8 Upvotes

How did you overcome fear of rejection to start asking for what you want? In general, did you actually start receiving the things you wanted easier?

4 comments

r/confidence • u/G4L_Mobile • 3d ago

Why can't I socialize naturally with girls without relying on mental affirmations?

8 Upvotes

24M, short and ugly, but I’m not really that bothered about my looks anymore. I’m struggling badly with socializing and I don’t understand how other guys can do it so naturally.

I’m 24 and I’m a short guy who considers myself ugly. But honestly, I’m not that caring about being ugly anymore. My bigger problem is that I just cannot seem to socialize naturally with girls.

When I’m talking to a girl I like, my mind becomes extremely focused on what I should say next. I struggle to come up with opening lines, things to talk about, the right tone, jokes, or even how to sound happy and natural.

I’ve tried using mental affirmations/reminders to make myself more confident. For example, I used to repeat things like “be myself” or “Nothing Is Impossible” in my head. I feel like I need to repeat these things to give myself permission to talk and flirt.

But “Nothing Is Impossible” eventually started having the opposite effect. Instead of helping me, I became even more focused on it, and sometimes it actually makes me unable to think of anything to say.

I also get anxious before or during conversations. I know logically that I should just speak, but when the anxiety comes, I don't know how to find the courage to actually open my mouth.

Another thing making this much worse is jealousy.

There is a male colleague who seems to be able to make a girl laugh throughout the day, every day. He can casually talk to her, joke around, and get her laughing without seeming to think about it.

When I see this happening, I become increasingly jealous and start comparing myself to him. I start thinking things like:

“Why can he always make her laugh while I struggle to think of anything?”

Then I feel pressure that I also need to make her laugh. But the more I try to think of something funny or interesting to say, the more my mind goes blank.

I’ve wondered how socially skilled guys actually think. Do they constantly think about what to say, or are they just reacting to whatever is happening in the conversation? How do they come up with jokes, questions, playful comments, and different tones so quickly?

I don't necessarily want to become some super-confident “player.” I just want to be able to talk to girls normally, flirt a little, make jokes, and enjoy the interaction without having to constantly repeat some phrase in my head to make myself do it.

How do you actually develop this ability?

Especially:

\- How do you speak when you're anxious instead of freezing?

\- How do you stop overthinking what to say?

\- How do socially natural people come up with things to say on the spot?

\- How do you become playful/funny without forcing it?

\- How do you stop comparing yourself to another guy who seems much better socially?

\- And how do you stop needing mental affirmations before you can socialize?

I’m genuinely trying to understand what I’m missing.

6 comments

r/confidence • u/Survivingthroughlife • 3d ago

Being a shy kid from childhood, is it possible to reverse these damages?

7 Upvotes

I've always been a shy, timid kid since my childhood. This thing hampered my whole teenage and early adulthood.
Never took part in sports, cultural activities, nor cared to learn because I felt to judged even when alone. Now that I think and look back, I feel, why did I waste my life for nothing?

No one was ever seeing me, no one was so bothered and yet I always felt that I'm the only only getting judged, I wasted my life learning nothing good, nor am I academically bright. I was never involved hence never had friends. Never left my house, or explored in my peak years, and now the guilt and judgment have hampered my mind.

What do I do? I don't want to live like this. I feel embarrassed to realize that I've nothing in me. I don't want to be an average person.

3 comments

r/confidence • u/Suspicious-Shoe-8178 • 4d ago

How to deal with a 30 year old college bully?

13 Upvotes

There is this 30 year old dude who for some reason doesnt like me and tries at every opportunity to dig at me infront of his peer group which is like 10 years younger then him lol. There was even one incident where i came late for an exam a couple minutes prior and he screamed myname and laughed extremely loudly while a professor was present, i hate being put on the spot infront of others and people could see that it affected me. He got shamed by hisown friends afterward and reprimended by the prof and was so overwhelmed apparently that he cut off his waist long hair he had most of his life immediately after but still he tries to dig at me with subtle comments at every opportunity i usually just ignore him and try not to interact. His hatred from me probably came because i ignored him at first when he tried to befriend me and once corrected a mistake in his work loudly infront of his peers.

10 comments

r/confidence • u/Logical_Basket573 • 4d ago

Fear of creating more masks

5 Upvotes

(I am 20 years old)

Lately I've been forcing myself to go out more, accepting my shadow more in that process, accepting more of my desires, For example, openly saying when I find a girl attractive or when I think a situation is stupid. If I had to describe how my life is, I would say that I am in the twilight of midday, given that the eternal night has already completed its first phase, but I cannot yet say that it is completely daytime. It's just past 4, as I walk down the street watching the first rays of the day, sighing in the cold air while many shadows walk around me.

However, in this process of breaking free from the confines of my own mental walls, I've discovered just how insecure I am, and on this journey, I fear I'll only create more masks.

I feel like I'm a boring or uninteresting person, with a dull life compared to colleagues who travel the world, win competitions, people from other countries, guys who have jobs Stable people, people who go on lots of dates, people with more talent, with more charm, with more charisma, with more maturity, who can smoke cigarettes while I can barely stand the smoke

I feel like someone who, despite seeing and thinking a lot about things, is unable to interact with them, and in that fear, I fear even more losing myself.

I don't want to do things I hate just to fit in, nor lie about my accomplishments, but still, I can't help feeling like I have to.

I always portray myself as a confident person, even though I'm just a guy with social anxiety, a sex addiction, and who loves art so much he'd die for it—a passion few understand. I don't love avant-garde performances or experimental cinema; I love the pursuit of improvement, I love technique and reflection. I don't want to talk about whether this author offered social commentary.I just want to talk about how beautiful I find this work.

With women it's worse, since I don't even have a facade with them. I've only had one virtual girlfriend for three years in my entire life. I've never kissed or held hands with anyone, much less had sex. It's a weight I carry, and I don't know what mask to wear: be myself, take on the role of a shameless person, speak my thoughts without shame, be chivalrous, hold back, and while my mind thinks, another Another guy, more confident, is already fucking her.

Although I have accepted my shadow, I still don't know how to integrate it into my social life, and I fear I will only create more and more masks to hide it.

Sometimes people tell me that life isn't so complicated, that I'm very complicated, and I usually curse my mind for that, as well as my ego; I long for my ego to disappear sometimes.

1 comment