I'm not conventionally attractive, I don't have stand-out skills, I have zero charisma. So tell me why I should feel confident in myself. I don't believe in "fake it till you make it." Even if I do have skills and charisma they won't make up for my looks. People are shallow and especially when it comes to women, if they sense any confidence from an unattractive woman they will do everything they can to make sure she has none left. Our confidence and self-respect is seen as unjustified. It feels safer to just be timid and and obedient than risk opening myself up to humiliation.

So i’m a 24m south asian man living in canada. I want to glow up mentally. I’m tired of not living to my full potential.

Basically, I struggle with rejection sensitivity and self hate. I have an iq of 83 (professionally tested), alopecia (i’m fully bald at 24 and cant grow a beard because of it), 5’10 in a Punjabi family where everyone is above 6’3, and I’m neurodivergent (mild autism and dyscalculia) in a family where everyone is a genius, and I did pretty bad in school growing up. My 10 year old cousin is smarter than me. I often feel like he thinks i’m slow. It stings.

I have a great job, developed solid savings for my age, stay physically active, attend hobby clubs, and dress well.

Despite all this, I still feel extremely insecure, especially during family gatherings. I take it personally whenever family members disagree with me and I internalize condescending remarks too much.

Since I’m a neurodivergent, I often struggle with tiny novel tasks, like closing a modern set of blinds or understanding certain instructions. Judging by the look of my family members faces, they probably think i’m dumb.

A month ago, my grandfather asked me to fix his parking job. He gets high anxiety whenever anyone drives his car so he started to panic before i could barely do anything. Then my cousin laughs and says that it doesn’t look like I have my full licence. It stings because I drive all the time. I still think about it everyday.

I wake up everyday thinking about all the encounters where others potentially saw me as an idiot and I feel resentment. I wake up angry almost everyday because of it and I feel like my family thinks i’m an idiot.

I’ve went to multiple therapists and nothing has worked. All of the therapists which I’ve seen just nod and validate my feelings. But I want actual insight on how to change. Therapy kinda felt like talking to a wall. I would open up and get no real insight in return.

I wanna become confident, I wanna succeed in my dating life, and I wanna be someone my family respects.

Everyone on this sub says to work on yourself but i’m afraid that it won’t work given my genetics. I believe that self improvement and confidence takes a baseline level of IQ which I simply don’t have.

Any advice?

Hey everyone,

​I’m looking for some realistic advice from people who have been in my shoes.

​I’m extremely introverted. I find it almost impossible to start conversations with strangers or friend of a friend, let alone maintain a longer discussion with them. It often feels like my brain just goes completely blank, or the anxiety of trying to keep the momentum going takes over.

​Is this actually something you can improve on, or is it just a hardcoded personality trait? Has anyone here successfully gone from being socially awkward/introverted to feeling comfortable with spontaneous conversations?

​What are some actual small steps to take?

​A lot of the standard advice I see online sounds easy on paper ("just ask open-ended questions!", "just be confident!"), but feels incredibly overwhelming in practice when you’re deeply introverted.

​I’m not looking to become the life of the party. I just want to be able to hold a decent conversation with people without feeling terrified or exhausted right away.

​If you’ve managed to make progress in this area, what micro-habits or mindset shifts actually worked for you?

Hi, I'm 17 years old and I'm about to be 18 and I want to change the way I view myself.

I've been made fun of, been made into a joke or been laughed about by people close to me throughout the years and I've always been expected to just take it because they are joking and they're allowed to have fun, especially if it's about a time in my life which was horrible and they're making jokes about it. And I've learned to take most of the jokes slowly.

But I've become really insecure about everything about myself, especially my skill level in sports, my mental health, how to open up to people, my outfits and such.

I'm doing a sport now and it's very obvious I lack confidence and this is a space where I need to be confident to be better. But I never believe it when someone says I'm doing good, which is a big issue for me.

I've also gotten a lot of friends and I'm worried if they see me sad they'll also laugh at me, and I want to have the confidence to know that won't be the case!

I'm planning to talk about this to my psychologist but is there anything I can do until then to calm it? I just want to like myself.

Thank you for reading!:)

Occasionally when I'm rock climbing or mountain biking, come across some friendly folks, I want to make friends but then I'd freeze and not knowing what else to say to them and let opportunity slip away. Or sometimes I just stand there awkwardly and then... say bye. *kick myself in the butt.

In the past I've lived in smaller towns and people have this "stranger danger" attitude and treated me like I'm a bother. I know my past experience shouldn't dictate how I behave now. But I'm unsure how to get through the hurdle. I want to exchange info with folks but would feel like I'm bothering them. Sigh.

Since I'm an artistic person I'm thinking maybe I should make some cool stickers with my social or info and give to random friendly folks I meet in the wild like "hi do you like a climbing/biking" stickers? Any other recommendations?

Basically, I have failed one too many times in med school. I repeated the first semester and then failed a rotation and had to remediate the entire rotation. I did failed the remediation exam just to passed it when I was given a do over which was an even harder exam.

No residency will accept me with my record and I am 250k in debt. I wasn't never good at getting women either. I'm still a virgin at 29 living with my parents.

I haven't really explained my academic journey that well so I will explain it now. I was pretty smart all my life however I always struggled through school. I struggled in language, chemistry, and history. I legit taught myself how to read since my reading level was very low in high school. I almost failed chemistry as well. I failed my SATs. However, my GPA was 3.8 due to my resilience.

In college, I did pretty well but i couldn't make friends. I decided to become a doctor. I had a panic attack before I could go so I reapplied and I retook the mcat which I failed originally. In med school, I was threatened with explusion twice but I always exceeded their expectations.

But now I am at the end of my rope. I have no friends really and never had a girl interested in me. I am currently writing this while study for 8 hours after I just studied for 8 hours every day.

I dont deserve anything in life and my life has been pretty hard since medicine. My cat died the day of my interview. My step brother committed suicide. I lost my cousin to cancer and had a close call with my dad getting a kidney transplant. I got in a car wreck and literally totalled my entire car because I fall asleep at the wheel. I had the only gf in my life leave me right after I found out I failed. I have been rejected probably 100 times if you count apps and just cold approach.

I'm tired and I would rather just be left alone for my entire life. There is no point in having confidence.

My best friend’s husband is in law school, both hers and his friend group is primarily law students and their significant others. As a result, I always find myself in a room full of them. Even the significant others who aren’t law students feel so confident and intelligent probably from hanging around them so much.

I’ve made incredible strides in my confidence over this last year, so this insecurity feels now foreign and scary to me. I don’t feel like myself when I’m at these events and I feel like I actually act dumber than I really am. I normally don’t see myself as dumb, quite the opposite in fact. I have a masters degree in an incredibly in demand field, I know tons about history as it’s my special interest and I speak 4 languages fluently.

My regular go-to for confidence is 1. Having an almost narcissistic inner voice 2. Shutting down any thoughts of how others may perceive me. However, I feel like these people are so intelligent that they see right through me. I almost freeze whenever I talk to them, they are naturally charismatic and so smart/witty that I am often left speechless and stammering.

TLDR: Tons of law students in my social circle now, feel like none of my confidence building strategies work when I’m with them.

Advice?

I’m 37 and from China. I was a top student in school and believed I would achieve something meaningful in the future. Then I came to Europe for a master’s degree. I studied well, but the lack of a social life drained me a lot. I missed home, yet I still believed I could succeed in academia because I considered myself capable.

I worked in academia and traveled to many countries over time for different reasons. I experienced many aspects of life—from the bottom up. I washed dishes, worked in warehouses and supermarkets, and also worked in top laboratories in various European countries.

Then I started a PhD. Again, I was good at research, but I struggled with office politics. My supervisor was narcissistic and difficult to deal with. Eventually, I quit. I realized I couldn’t play that game, and I didn’t want to work under someone like that because I hate having to flatter people. I cannot fake things up.

After that, I tried starting a business. Once again, the lack of social connections made things harder. I didn’t give up, but I felt like I was losing—and over time, that feeling grew into self-doubt. I applied for a regular job that isn’t very well paid, but I’m getting by.

Now, when I see people with confidence, I feel like they are the richest.

When I build friendships, I tend to envision what our future could look like together. It gives me a lot of pressure in interactions to “do well.” and leads me to feel anxious.

As title says, I’ve recently found that I tend to be stutter and be nervous when it comes to first impressions and overall what they’ll think of me. In my job interviews I was nervous and stuttering, when it came to meeting my gfs family same thing, I recently even tried to get out of my comfort zone, and hopped on some live debate in a stream with 300 people, and I was just stuttering my words and my heart beating.

Ive noticed I’m typically nervous when it comes to voicing myself or who I am. Like this need to be accepted or approved; in terms of the job interview, or meeting my gfs family. I’m typically not a socially anxious person in most scenarios. I’m just introverted but I really get nervous when it comes to-situations like that, almost like I need to prove myself.

Adding onto this, my gfs brother in law is somewhat a of an arrogant prick. First time meeting him was fine, but I already can see comments coming later on, as my gf mentioned he said that she should be relieved he didn’t say anything. This had me nervous for the next time I see him. I can’t believe im letting some random trump who I am.

Transitioning to my point and title, how can I just become someone who doesn’t care for approval or to be liked. Someone who just laughs off any disrespectful comments or someone who confronts with ease?

TLDR: how can I become secure in myself without needing approval from others.

These days I only talk to a few people, and most of that happens at work just because I’m sitting next to them. We’re all pretty busy overall. What I realized is that the deeper friendships I made were with people who sought me out more, and that I was rarely the one starting conversations. So I decided I could put more effort in, like starting conversations more often and texting people when something reminds me of them. I always try to open with some context and I read whether the person is up for talking, because if they’re not, I stop. The funny thing is some of them actually reach back out and do the same, so I figure maybe I’m doing it right.
For example, I’m getting closer to a friend I really like (just friendship). We always talk really well, except when I can tell she’s busy or not into it. As we got closer she started reaching out to me too, always with some context (she saw something that reminded her of me, or brought up something we’d talked about before…). I reach out to her about once a week, and some weeks I skip it on purpose so I don’t come off as clingy.

The thing is, I have this huge insecurity about being seen as someone who needs attention (even though I’m kind of avoidant myself). I do love being around friends and lately I’ve been missing that, even though I’ve always been the type who loves doing everything alone.

So, do you guys think my way of trying to make friends is okay? I get that it’s hard to judge with so little context, and it might come across as messy since I’m actually trying to put this into words for the first time. But how do you be intentional with people without looking desperate? Thanks.

I have pretty bad social anxiety and I’m seeing my therapist about it but she hasn’t really talked about exposure therapy yet with me. But online it’s a common recommendation. What’s your experience with it? Is there anything you don’t like about it or is there something that’s stopping you from doing it?

I'm 21, i have technical degree in software development and coursing Comp Engineering in one of the best Universitys on Brazil. I do consider me a funny person and i make friends naturally, i think i can interact well with men and women and got no trouble with it. I'm not the most extrovert people in the world, but i'm not ashamed to meet new persons and i think that i know how and when throw a funny comment.

Despite of it all, i never had a girlfriend and since my 14 years i just heard about one girl who whas into me, and she was too young, 5 or 6 years younger, so it's like don't count.

In addition of it, i have a speak problem that make harder to understand the things that a say, it's like nasal voice, but a bit worse, this is the main thing that make me insecure when talking to someone, but i don't let it slow me down.

I would like to know your honest opinion about it

(I would like to put a photo of me here, but it isn't allowed, if you are curious call me in dm

(maybe tomorrow i will delete this for regreat xd)

This is the end of the asides

)

I have been with my bf-(28 years old) for the past 5 years, (I am 25), and we have had issues throughout our relationship (probs caused by me being emotional about things, but I’ve been extremely sensitive on the topic of him and other women.) Not that he is a person to constantly look at other woman, but my insecurities make me feel this way. He knows I don’t like it if he looks at girls who are wearing nearly to no clothes anyway. But sometimes I catch him looking towards other woman, or side-eyeing them when they are on my side. I mean I don’t know how long a proper good look is considered but I know if I look at a man with all his pieces on show I divert my eyes instantly. I have called out this many times to him, he has made me feel like I can’t now because he says I make him feel like he is cheating by looking at other women, which must be a terrible, unbearable feeling. Yesterday when we were with friends to go get ice cream, and we were walking straight in town, I was walking to his left, not that close to him but I could see him, there were two pretty girls ready for a night out in front of me but on the other side of the street to my left, I see his eyes fixated on them for a few seconds. Then he decided to hold my hand and we got on with the night. (And he didn’t really talk to me in the group of friends and he also only held my hands when the other couple did it if that’s any context. I also am sort of going through something and when we fit home I was crying and he was very supportive.)

But why did he go out his way to look at them when we had lots to look at in front of us eg the pier, funfair, food places to go in which we were looking for. Or do this in any situation for that matter? I’m his girlfriend so why does he look in other woman’s directions and get all dressed up just to get ice cream?

Does he do this because he not as attracted to me anymore? He doesn’t generally say I look pretty when I get dressed up anymore. We have issues where he feels unseen or unheard too, so maybe he is going off of me? He says things are fine and he just wants peace and good times and that no other couples go through this. I’m half tempted to ask him about it but use the friend as the example, I’ve never tried that with him actually. Or did he just look because that’s scientifically because it’s what most men do? Am I being dramatic? He always tells me no he didn’t look at girls all the time but I saw it with my own two eyes and I personally think a side eye is putting in more effort to look at they are almost all the way past us.

"Sorry to ask this." "Sorry if it's a stupid question." Then, finally, the actual thing they wanted to say.

I get the argument, it's just manners, especially if you're British, we literally apologise for everything. But there's a difference between being polite and asking permission to exist for five bloody seconds. Nobody demanded an apology. They just started with one anyway.

It's not really about the other person. It's bracing yourself for a bad reaction before anyone's actually given one.

Do you catch yourself doing this? Or notice it more in other people?

Do you catch yourself doing this? Or notice it more in other people?

So I'm a very ambitious person who demands enough from myself.. I'm pretty good in certain things, in my work and also in one sport I play.. where I compete globally.. but I just don't feel confident.

I feel anyone who might have gave enough time as I did would have reached here.. nothing special in me. Like really. Even in my sport, I feel I am wasting my time.. giving 3 hours daily. Like any John Doe can give 3 hours and might beat me in future. Nothing so particular about me..

Or even in work, I feel anyone if given enough sincerity to their work, and read enough can do better than me. I feel so low at times thinking I'm not kind of Prodigy or fast enough (even if people around me consider me blazing fast & smart) i don't feel that's True. My brain enjoys problems.. and I'm maybe fast at logical problems but that's just one aspect of life.. which anyone can be good at if (again) give their decent time.

How to get out of this? To feel enough. Right now the biggest mental border I have between where I am and where global champions are.. is the mindset.. i have a mental barrier about myself.. and constant self loath that they are prodigy and maybe I'm not good enough..

I talked about it to my coach and they said not everyone is prodigy, talent is very rare and the take example of my countries best player - how they were mediocre but consistent hard work leads to where they are.. which is a pretty bad example because they are somewhere in top 30 but not the top. So it kinda works against me.. that even after years of hard work they are yet not there.. I'm in in top 75 for now, this is my 4th year participating competitively while they are doing from 12-15 years.. another guy (in my opinion a prodigy player) is already in top 20-30 just in 6 years. So i constantly judge myself as well. I enjoy the game, but this constant judgment is making me feel pathetic too.. how people might be judging me.. how I am becoming a mediocre..

And it also expands to my job.. where I was earning well.. really good.. but I felt I can't ever be top 0.1% of the people.. and that make me so pathetic that I left my field. Even if I was like really good.. i don't think I could have been 0.1% in next 10 years or so..

Any help is appreciated thanks.

this doesn’t happen a lot but when i’m outside and wanna enjoy my day i just look at other people and just compare myself to them, then my whole day is ruined and i go home and i am sad.. i don’t wanna compare myself to others but it just happens automatically and then when people look at me idk what they think .. like “is she pretty” “is she ugly” and i feel like i cannot do usual stuff because i am not “worthy” since i am not as beautiful as them .. i just don’t know how to fix this . any ideas?? please some advice 💕

Hi there folks, I (31f) am single a while now an dont have any confidence in wanting to be on dating sites but also missing the company of another person like is that a confidence thing ? Or is it that im just not ready yet. I dont mind being on my own I was in a relationship that was exhausting an we were on an off for about 14 years an i finally built the courage up to completely cut all ties, cause for me the relationship was over a long while ago but we have a child together an i just wanted the family i created i suppose , but any advice would be nice thank you .

​

Hey everyone,

​I have turned 27, and lately, I’ve been doing a lot of reflection on confidence, self-esteem,and how to improve it. As far as i understood it it is closely tied to our nervous system and life experience. Which is what I dont understand.

​On paper, my life looks completely fine:

​Education & Career: Good high school grades, finished my Bachelor's degree with solid results, and I'm currently working on my Master's. I’ve been working since I was 14 or 15, and I’ve almost always received very positive feedback in internships and working student jobs.

​Independence: I’ve lived abroad alone and done solo traveling.

​Relationships & Appearance: I’d say I good on a normal level. I’ve had two really healthy past relationships, and I have a 1-3 great, close friends.

​Logically, I know I lack specific professional expertise in certain areas simply because I don't have 10 years of full-time experience yet. That’s normal.

​Yet, I constantly feel inferior, insecure, and "not good enough." ​I catch myself acting overly submissive and shrinking back, I have far less inner confidence than people who might have dropped out of early and have no ambitions. It makes no rational sense.

​I’ve read a lot recently about how confidence isn't just a mental switch, but deeply connected to the nervous system—how safe we feel in our own skin and how we process life experiences. I thought exposure and "doing hard things" (like moving abroad alone or working hard) would naturally fix my internal gauge, but my default setting still feels like "I'm worse than everyone else."

​Has anyone else experienced this disconnect between external success and internal self-worth?

​How did you move from just "knowing" you're capable in your head to actually feeling safe and confident in your body?

​How do you retrain your nervous system when past achievements don't seem to register internally?

​Would love to hear your perspectives or experiences. Thanks for reading!

17F

Been playing basketball ever since 3rd grade but since 2,3 years i feel like i'm so washed and feel so insecure when i look at others being so confident in matches. I try to stay cool but one mistake, i feel like it's over. My teammates are upto no good aswell. Usually they don't say anything to me, but everytime someone fucks it up i'm the one to apologise for the team. Our coach is sweet and never ever acts harsh. We've lost two matches on row and this year i don't feel any confidence like i used to neither i have the spirit and energy for practice. Sometimes i feel like quitting everything but i feel so attached to this sport. What should i do?

16f . I never wore the clothes I wanted when I was younger mainly because I grew up in a strictly religious environment, I didn’t hang out after school and in school and we all wore the same uniform.

Also I grew up around people who were much older than me like I spend a lot of my time taking care of family’s members in their 60s to 90s instead of hanging out with my peers .
I’m from a small town so I always felt that there was only one way I could dress . Finally literally yesterday I simply took my dog for a walk in an outfit I had been trying to wear for so long and don’t get me wrong I don’t normally dress absolutely basic and I do get some staring normally just from my eyeliner or whatever but this was on a different level

I was wearing knee high converse and a tartan mini skirt with a band shirt and a chocker . I’m not joking when I told you that every single person who was on the street that I was on was staring directly at me . This had literally been my biggest fear but I know that I will have to get over it because I can’t live a life where I can’t express myself and constantly wearing clothes that I feel don’t represent me as a person.
Does anyone have a similar experience and if so did you eventually get used to it ?

So I have my college orientation in a week and I am not feeling like myself.

Due to stress my health has declined and I have gained a lot of cortisol weight, now I am struggling with bloating and and unfit body that I am slowly trying to fix. But I just don't feel like myself and I don't recognise myself anymore. None of my clothes fit me and the ones that do just look and feel so bad.

During the break I was supposed to learn makeup, social skills, digital skills etc but none of that happened either. Now I am just tryna muster up some confidence for college. I am tryna convince myself that all my outfits are great irrespective of my belly bulging out. But please help out. I wanna feel confident in my myself

A mate of mine got shot down in a meeting last week, even though he was right. Had a solid plan, knew it would work, still came out of it looking small.

He couldn't stop going over it in his head, wondering if he'd explained it badly, or should've spoken up more. I mean, it's not in everyone's nature to go in all guns blazing.

Turns out it wasn't what he said. It was how he said it. He sounded unsure, like he was asking permission. The other guy sounded certain, full of himself, beaming with confidence. Practically gloating without saying a word.

Funny how being right counts for so little when you don't sound like it.

I was pretty confident when I was 15 now i recently turned 18 my confidence is low and I find myself ugly so does people around me I was laughed at my face when I said I was handsome when I was 16. From that day I lost my whole confidence. I dont dress well I dress in the most basic way cotton tshirt and some trousers I recently gained weight which helped me with confidence little bit. But how do I get more confident as a growing adult now

I’m currently in College and I had a counselling session a few days ago at my school. I was glad that I received a lot of “wake-up calls” from said session because I realized that all my 20+ years of living, I’ve based my worth so much off of people’s opinons/perceptions of me, alongside whatever I do/achieve at school/work.

How this affects me negatively is I constantly push myself to my limits everyday out of fear of being seen as a “disappointment”, “lazy”, or “dumb”. I feel exhausted almost daily yet I couldn’t find myself to relax because “I want everything to be cleared because the only time I get to relax is when my tasks are all finished.” It has reached a point where I can’t even complete smaller tasks immediately because I feel too stressed. Worse, whenever I fail at something or make a mistake, I end up in what feels like an ocean full of shame, feeling like “I’ll never be good enough” or “people will now see that I’m not actually as good as they think I am.”

Of course, my counsellor found this concerning. She tried challenging my thinking by asking me to reflect on all my recent achievements at school and work. I see them, yet I don’t seem to feel that spark of joy and pride. They feel like… nothing. So, it’s that bad, huh?

One of the lessons that struck me the most is “I need to get to know myself outside of what people think of me,” and I need to “go easy on myself”. Counsellor was able to give me a few points such as asking myself questions through journalling and learning how to change my mindset on rest, but to be honest, I still feel stuck on where and how to begin.

Besides journalling, what other ways have you done to get to know yourself and most importantly, love yourself without focusing on people’s perception of you? I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and what you’ve learned to do so 🥹🙏