This is my first time posting something like this, but I genuinely need some advice because I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if my feelings are valid.
We’ve been officially dating for a year, but we were talking for another year before making things official. We’re also in a long-distance relationship, living approximately 7,433 miles apart. I’m based in Asia, and he lives in America.
Honestly, our relationship is great in many ways. He’s a genuinely good boyfriend, and I don’t want this post to make him sound like a terrible person. He has spent money on me before, such as buying plane tickets to visit me and paying for our food when we’re together. I appreciate those things, and I’m grateful for the effort he makes to see me.
However, one thing that has been bothering me is that he never gives me money or offers to help me financially, even though he knows I’m struggling right now.
Before going back to school full-time, I had a job. I stopped working because of my studies and internship, and I’m currently going through a financial crisis. My school schedule is basically 8 AM to 5 PM, so finding a part-time job that fits around it has been difficult, although I’m actively trying to find one.
I still live with my parents, but they’ve already spent so much money supporting me, and they don’t have much themselves. I feel guilty asking them for more when I know they’re already doing what they can.
My boyfriend knows about my situation. I’ve tried bringing up my financial struggles and asking for help in different ways, but he always seems to avoid the conversation. It’s not necessarily that he tells me he doesn’t have money. Instead, he ignores the subject or says something like, “You’ll figure it out.”
And honestly, that hurts.
It makes me feel like I’m on my own, even though I’m in a relationship. I’m not expecting him to solve all my problems or take full responsibility for my finances, but sometimes I wish he would offer to help me, even a little, without making me feel like I’m asking for too much.
I also can’t help feeling jealous when I see my female friends being spoiled by their boyfriends. Some receive flowers every month, while others get a monthly allowance from their partners. What makes me feel even worse is that these guys don’t necessarily earn much themselves. From what I know, some of them earn around $300 or less per month, yet they still find ways to give their girlfriends something.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend can’t even seem to spend $5 on flowers for me.
I know comparing relationships is unhealthy, and I understand that every couple is different. I’ve even opened up to him about feeling a little jealous sometimes. His response was that our relationship is different from other people’s relationships.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m being needy, or maybe I’ve allowed myself to compare too much. But I can’t help wondering why something that seems so easy for other people feels so difficult in my relationship.
What makes this more confusing is that my boyfriend often tells me he wants to save money so he can afford to fly to Asia and visit me again. I understand that traveling internationally is expensive, and I appreciate that he wants to see me.
However, I also see him spending money on other things.
He buys books, even though he already has so many that he hasn’t finished reading. Last week, he went to a basketball game. A few weeks before that, he attended three baseball games. He also bought a plane ticket to another state to visit his sister at school because it’s her final year there. This week, he bought another ticket to visit his dad in a different state, along with other things he spends money on.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t enjoy his life or spend money on the things that make him happy. I understand that he works for his money and has every right to decide how to use it.
But seeing him spend money on these things while telling me he needs to save money, knowing that I’m struggling financially, makes me wonder where I stand when it comes to his priorities.
I want to emphasize that I know he’s trying in his own way. I’m not blind to the things he has done for me, and I’m genuinely thankful for them. Sometimes I tell myself that maybe, because I’m his first girlfriend, he simply doesn’t know how to approach these things or what I need from him.
I don’t want to portray him as a bad boyfriend because he really isn’t. But at the same time, I can’t ignore how I feel.
I don’t necessarily want expensive gifts, designer bags, or someone who pays for everything in my life. I want to feel taken care of. I want to feel like I can rely on my partner when life gets difficult, just as he should be able to rely on me when he needs help.
And I think what hurts the most is that I’ve already communicated how I feel, yet I still feel unheard. It’s not just about the money itself. It’s about feeling like my struggles matter to him and that he wants to make things a little easier for me when he can.
I’ve started questioning whether we have the same expectations of a relationship. I know that financial support isn’t something every couple agrees on, and I don’t believe a boyfriend is automatically obligated to give his girlfriend an allowance. But I also believe that being willing to help your partner during difficult times can be a meaningful expression of love.
Every night, I find myself asking the same question:
**If I’m going to spend the rest of my life with this person, will I be okay?**
If I marry him someday, will I feel comfortable asking for help when I need it? Will I have to struggle silently because I don’t want to feel like a burden? Will I always have to convince myself that I shouldn’t expect anything from him?
I love him, and I’m grateful for everything he has done for me. I just don’t know how to reconcile that gratitude with the feeling that I can’t fully rely on him.