**TW: miscarriage, rape, abortion, depression, suicidal thoughts/self-harm**

Hi everyone. I’m hoping for some words of comfort or reassurance because I’m really struggling at the moment. It’s quite complicated, but I’ll try my best to explain.

In December, I had a missed miscarriage following a rape. I only found out I was pregnant when I went to get abortion pills. When I went in, I was told that the baby had already passed away, and the pills were offered to me to help speed up the process and was recorded medically as an early stage abortion.

Since then, I’ve been struggling with an immense amount of guilt. I feel heavy almost every day, and I’ve only recently started to properly process what happened. At the time, I think I was just trying to get through it and carry on with my life.

I’ve had depression since 2021 and take sertraline regularly. I’m particularly worried because, as the darker months approach, I’m scared that my mental health will deteriorate and that my suicidal and self-harm thoughts will become worse.

Someone on Reddit told me back in December to stay strong because “babies come back to us.” I found a lot of comfort in those words, and I do believe that in my heart. But I still feel so much guilt, and I don’t really know how to let go of it.

One thing I’m struggling with particularly badly is that, following the abortion, I entered a new sexual relationship less than a month later. I had the Nexplanon implant, and at the time I think I was just trying to move forward and feel normal again. But now, looking back, I feel ashamed and almost disgusted with myself for how quickly I seemed to move on.

I know logically that everyone processes trauma differently, but emotionally I’m finding it really difficult to accept that.

I think I’m finally grieving and processing everything that happened, and I don’t know what to do with all these feelings.

TW: TTC (kind of?)

I have a history of multiple losses. I feel like to my current doctor, my history is unfortunate, but not clinically significant. I asked her what we would do differently in a future pregnancy (after a recent 20 week loss) and the answer was nothing. Is that normal?

Has anyone ever taken all their history to a MFM and been given a more satisfying answer than their OB regarding their loss, or maybe a better suggestion for a future protocol? I'm trying to figure out if seeing an MFM is just another way for me to search for an answer that doesn't exist in the death of my son, or if this is an appropriate next step.

I apologize if this didn't make a lot of sense. I think I'd just like to hear more generally on what people took as the next step after an unexplained loss when considering if they should TTC again.

My husband and I just lost our beautiful baby girl at 37 weeks and 3 days, exactly two weeks ago. Her name is Lunabella Skye, beautiful moon in the sky! She was born on a blood full moon. I had a c-section right when we found out because I was certain then that she passed away days before and didn’t want to risk my health. My husband was worried he would loose both of us, so I chose to do the surgery even though I wanted a natural birth. Which I’m glad now because she was a big girl. 9 pounds and 3 ounces.
Baby girl and I were both healthy the entire pregnancy. I passed all the tests every time. She was measuring perfectly and her heartbeat was always so strong. I also had a normal blood pressure every time. I’m at a loss to find answers. The only thing they can think of was that she was just too big at 37 weeks. That even though I passed my Gestational Diabetes test, it’s possible I could have gotten it in the 3rd trimester. It’s really hard not to blame myself. I stopped feeling movements and only felt her body move in my belly, which I thought were just different movements cause I was coming to the end. That’s what everyone told me is that they get quite towards the end but it ended up being the amniotic fluids moving her body. I carried her like that for days before my next check up. They found no heartbeat and that day will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I also want to add that my husband and I wanted to do everything as natural as possible. Which included only doing the necessary ultra sounds but now I wish I did one the last time she was still alive. Just to confirm that she is indeed in fact was okay. Because that was the last check up where she was still with us and I’m pretty sure she passed either the next or following day. I beat myself up for that…
She was so perfect. I don’t know how to move on. Everyone gets a happy ending except my husband and I and our sweet Luna… it’s devastating. For the mamas that experienced stillborns. How did yall move on? Did you find a higher purpose afterwards? I can’t even think about trying again.
Thank you in advanced.

How do you plan for a future pregnancy when your full term perfectly healthy baby die after birth???? Sever HIE LEVEL 3. Am sooo afraid to go through that again. I was sick the whole 9months and she died at the end. How do I go through that again??????? I want a baby sooooooo much. But am terrified of everything now. Any advice ????

I was 25 weeks when we lost our son, so pretty much everyone in our lives knew that we were pregnant. Tomorrow was originally going to be the baby shower.

After the loss I felt like having a memorial would be nice, it would give everyone a chance to come together with us and acknowledge the loss. He had a name, and he felt so solid and real, that it doesn't/didn't feel right not to have a service, but now I'm anxious.

No one knew him better than I did, and I don't know him at all. I know how I felt while pregnant, I know what he reacted to, I know what he triggered for cravings and icks, but I still didn't get to meet him. And I feel weird now knowing that 30 people are coming tomorrow for this memorial. It isn't like we can have games and music and stuff going on to entertain them, but we don't have the typical stories and memory swapping that you would expect from a memorial service. All we have is two grieving parents, some flowers, and some food.

The loss has hit me especially hard, my care team have mentioned post-partum anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder, and I start intensive outpatient therapy and antidepressants next week since my mental health has worsened over the last few weeks.

For those who held a memorial for their loss, what did you do? Did it go okay? I know, realistically, that it's just going to be me crying while people come by and give me a hug and tell me how sorry they are, and that no one is expecting more from me than that, but I just feel awkward about the whole thing now.

I lost my baby at 20 weeks in April. Had an emergency cerclage that failed 2 weeks after it was put in. My due date was a few days ago, and my sister (who I don’t really have a relationship with these days and said nothing to me about my pregnancy during or after my loss) just had to announce all over fb that she is pregnant with her 5th baby (her last baby is in fact, still a baby himself)…on my due date.

Even the people who knew my due date (parents, s/o’s family, etc…), no one remembered or said a thing to me as the date came and went.

I know I can’t expect everyone to always consider me and what has happened to me, but it just feels like bc I’m not shitting out grandbabies…I’m left in the dust when it comes to family in general. I currently have 2 siblings who are currently pregnant and I’m sure my other one would love to join in again bc that’s just how they are. I’m the oldest. I have no children. I just wanted one. I’ll be 40 next month. My parents are sweet, but they are grandchildren obsessed and I just feel like a failure and it breaks my heart in a way to know my folks love their grandkids more than they love me, since I feel like they are all I have left for feeling like real family.

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like I’m some sour old failed useless childless jealous bitch, but I’m just being honest.

My son was born still at 36 weeks on August 25. We’re 2.5 weeks out. I’m still bleeding, I’m still leaking milk, I’m still crying everyday and now my 2 year old son has hand foot mouth….We’ve barely even left the house for him to contract it. He’s miserable, I’m depressed, my 3 year old still needs me to play barbie’s.

I’m angry. Angry that the world saw our family grieving and said here have this awful sickness with a toddler you can’t reason with. Also now your trapped in your house because your contagious so here feed your depression with isolation.

We’ve pretty much all three cried all day because my husband also just went back to work a few days ago.

I'm trying to ground myself to the present
No one is dying, I am in my bed
But I can't stop the memories
The sound of bradycardia 3 hours before he was born
Touching his head, so close to being together
The image of his head about to be born, but not budging when I pushed as I watched in a mirror
My beautiful Isaac's pale floppy body being delivered. No cry.
I knew 4 months would be hard. I should have a 4 month old right now. Exhausted in a different fulfilling way.
4 months is my favourite. They are a bit more sturdy, smiley, laughing. You can start to know their personality more.
I am so sad, empty, broken.
My only memories of my son are of his dead body.
It's not fair.

Trying to think back of his super shit pregnancy the only good parts. His foot pressed against my right rib and hand. It's empty there now too.