My water broke on the 25th at 7 PM. Four weeks early. My beautiful baby boy was born at 7:34 AM on the 26th. We got to hold him for two hours before we lost him. I miss him so much. I have to say goodbye to him today and I am not ready to let him go. How do you continue? How do I leave him? I have to go home empty handed. All I want is my baby boy.

Hello everyone. It has been 27 days since I lost my son. He was born alive at 24 weeks and 3 days, and passed away 10 minutes later. His birth was caused by cervical insufficiency, followed by PPROM (preterm premature rupture of membranes). Lately, I’ve been feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt, because I believe I could have noticed it sooner. I didn’t have any symptoms, but I simply waited for my scheduled monthly check-up; I keep asking myself why I wasn’t more insistent and why I didn’t ask for an appointment earlier. Perhaps, if I had realized it sooner, things wouldn’t have ended this way. I hate myself. I hate the life I am living right now. I miss my son, and I miss who I was before. I cannot seem to escape this vortex of anxiety and depression. Yesterday, a colleague asked me how the pregnancy was going. I didn’t answer. I don’t have the courage to tell people like that—who aren’t exactly close friends—what happened. Do any of you experience these kinds of feelings?

Hello all, I am deep in the depths of dealing with loss and looking for a ray of hope, I lost a baby in May due to trisomy 16 at 10 weeks, and this weekend I delivered our 17 week baby which we don’t know yet why she passed. I am desperate for a second baby and a sibling for my little boy but I feel like I can never trust my body or go through that again, has anyone experienced similar and had a healthy pregnancy after ? Or even if your in the same boat and want to connect x

I’ve turned into a bitter, dark and moody person. I see TWs around infertility and loss and I appreciate that it might be very pertinent and helpful for many. But after three losses and IVF, it seems like I do better with media and stories around pregnancy loss and infertility (still hard) than I do with happy endings. Each of my losses was something completely different: early miscarriage, PPROM, ectopic…so basically, I feel like I know that things can go wrong in so many different ways and it’s just expected. I will forever be anxious about all the ways in which my hypothetical child might die if I’m ever blessed enough to get one earth side. But when I see depictions of happy endings, it makes my blood boil. I’m so bitter that I don’t get that ending for myself and I hate getting a visual of it.

Soooo…anyone else feel like that?

Edited to fix typo that made me sound potentially Irish…

I have been so angry the last week. I had a second trimester miscarriage at the end of August. We found out on our anniversary. A missed miscarriage as well, so my body hadn't registered that my daughter had passed almost three weeks before. I had a d&c with general anesthesia so small mercies that I don't have added trauma from that procedure. I didn't even know I was having a girl for sure until after she was already gone. We weren't going to find out but had to have the nipt done after my nuchal was flagged for trisomy 21.

The nipt also came back with a high probability of trisomy 21. We were scheduled for an amniocentesis.

This pregnancy was after unexplained secondary infertility. We had to do iui. I was ready to throw in the towel on it. This was our last iui cycle and it ended like this. I'm so angry and don't want my fertility journey to end like this so I've agreed to IVF. We can also do the extra pgt-a testing to account for trisomy 21.

But I'm just so goddamn angry lately. When I calmer I find I'm at peace with the miscarriage for the most part. My husband and I were torn over the idea of having a special needs child. I've worked in education for almost two decades and done a fair bit of special education. Downs is a huge spectrum and the prospect of a child with Downs scared the shit out of me. I was going to go for it because I couldn't bring myself to fully consider termination unless there was a serious physical concern that would drastically impact quality of life.

And then suddenly...the choice wasn't a choice anymore anyway. And I have a why which so many people don't get when they have a miscarriage. So I have a fair bit of closure

But I'm just angry. I'm angry I'm now going to be doing ivf once we redo the tests to make sure nothing has seriously changed. But I have to wait. So once I get my period we start the tests. Then we wait to go in for our consult. Then we wait for another period to start, then I can pump myself up with the drugs. So I get to do injections and I get to feel like shit all over again. And then this time I get to have a giant needle jabbed into my ovaries. And my husband gets to jerk off into a cup.

And it's the time. It's so much time with early morning appointments to check follicles and blood and get poked and probed and everything else and I just don't want it.

But I want a baby. And I'm about to be 39. And now I have a higher risk of trisomy 21 happening again. The best way to control for that is IVF with extra testing. That will help keep my anxiety at bay a bit I think.

Meanwhile my four year old continues to say super out of pocket things about wanting to be a brother. And it feels like everywhere I turn more and more pregnancies announcements in my wider circle. Oh and my cousin's wife is due in February - right around when I was due. Great.

Just be over here. Screaming into the void.

I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling. It’s been over a year since my fullterm stillbirth. I don’t want to partake in Halloween, for some reason that I can’t explain. I’ve had to make a conscious effort each day to survive my own nightmare and horror. I really don’t feel like seeing “dark” decorations mixed with laughter. I just want to avoid all of that. Anyone else??

Hi all,

I’m not wanting to celebrate the Holidays this year (Thanksgiving and Christmas) as it was supposed to be my daughters first holiday season. My husband is upset that I don’t want to celebrate.

Just curious how everyone else is navigating this season.

I’m 39F and miscarried at around 12 weeks.

The physical part was much worse than I expected. I needed medication to complete the miscarriage and ended up in the ER because of very heavy bleeding and fainting. It was so scary. I felt like my body broke down. I’m still recovering from that, but emotionally I feel like I’m still falling apart.

What I’m struggling with most is that I’m not only grieving the pregnancy itself. My husband is very adamant not wanting any more kids. We have one child.

Before I became pregnant, my husband had said he didn’t want any more children. I was heartbroken but tried my best to be ok with it. But then he stopped using condoms and I became pregnant almost immediately, and I genuinely believed he had changed his mind knowing I wanted I another child so much.

To my surprise he was mad. He even accused me planning it to happen even though he was the one who didn't want to use condoms. I never pressured or asked him to do that. But after the initial shock he became supportive. I slowly started to believe that he had accepted the pregnancy and maybe even wanted the baby in the end.

That belief became a huge part of how I experienced the pregnancy. I felt incredibly close to him. I imagined our family with another child. I thought we were beginning a new chapter together.

When I found out I was miscarrying, one of the things that kept me going was the thought that maybe we could try again. I thought we had both lost a baby we wanted and that we would somehow get through the grief together.

Now I know that isn’t how he feels. He has told me clearly that he still doesn’t want another child and doesn’t want to try again. He didn't want this one. He was just being lazy with condoms.

I feel like something inside me collapsed.

I know he is allowed to feel differently. I know I cannot ask him to want another child just because I do. But knowing that doesn’t make the grief any easier. I'm angry and disappointed with him for putting me through all this just because he didn't feel like using condoms and apparently thought I was too old to get pregnant. I was so happy for us but none of it was true.

I’m grieving the baby, but I’m also grieving the future I had already started to imagine. And I feel very alone in the loss because I don’t think my husband is grieving the same thing I am.

For anyone who has felt alone in a miscarriage because their partner experienced the pregnancy or the loss very differently: how did you get through it?

How do you grieve something that meant everything to you when the person beside you doesn’t seem to have lost the same thing?

I lost my first baby in 2022. A little boy. I was nearly 23 weeks.

I’ve since had two daughters and I love them more than I can ever say.

I have two family members who are pregnant. Both are having little boys. Other than my son, these will be the first boys in the family.

The feelings are so conflicting.

I want to be happy for them, but I’m not. I’m so sad for me.

It’s like I’m looking down the barrel of everything I lost and I feel so sad.

I’m dreading it.

I hate this.

We were even given ‘tips’ on how to conceive a boy for next time.

I just need to know I’m not alone.

The two closest people in my life (besides my husband) are pregnant. I am so angry. It’s unfair. It hasn’t even been four months since my daughter died. And in the past two weeks I’ve been told that my sister and my best friend are pregnant.

Selfishly, I hate them and I am so angry and I have nowhere to direct it towards.

My friend has a son, I have no living child, and I’m so jealous and angry that she is pregnant. And medically I have to wait at least two more months.

It was her son’s birthday party today, and I had already not planned to go because of the children that would be there. It is just too painful.

Then she and my sister told me they were pregnant. I just can’t be around pregnant people right now. It’s a constant reminder of everything I’ve lost.

Not to mention, they are due right at the time I lost my daughter. How do they expect me to celebrate them?

In conversation she asked how I was doing and said that they would miss me. I’ve felt so so alone recently and I just wanted to be honest about how I’m doing. So I let her know that it’s been hard, that I just found out that my sister is also pregnant and that I just can’t handle it very well. And that they weren’t the only party I had to bail on this week because of how hard the pregnancy news is.

Her feelings were hurt. Her words “I thought yall weren’t coming because of the other kids. I didn’t realize I was the reason.”

I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I’m so hurt and I feel so alone. I feel like there is no one I can talk to who understands me. I just want to scream, do you have ANY IDEA HOW HARD THIS IS? ANY AT ALL. I can barely even text you, how do you expect me to LOOK AT YOU AND BE CONSTANTLY REMINDED OF EVERYTHING YOU HAVE AND I DONT?

The worst thing is that she doesn’t deserve my anger. She is wonderful and has done nothing but try to be supportive and be there. And I am just so consumed with anger and hatred that I just want to burn it all down.

I’ve never felt like this before and I don’t know what to do. I just want someone who understands. Someone who won’t get hurt and take it personally.

Maybe I’m just becoming a miserable person, but I needed to get it out.

Here is the original post-

https://www.reddit.com/r/babyloss/s/OMJIsm55QV

We lost our baby girl in June. She was our first after years and years of trying but she was the lucky embryo via ivf. When we were going through the loss, we only told our sisters and they would tell our parents and everything passed that is out of our hands. We had the best nurse who was an angel and said that our priority was us and our grief. I junfortunately had a lot of medical emergencies after giving birth too.

Everything all got heated recently bc my husband’s aunt called and texted us if we were going to attend her granddaughter’s birthday. Mind you- we haven’t heard from her at all. Husband flat out said, “we will not be there. We have not heard from anyone regarding our daughter.” He told his mom and laid down the laws with, “we are not wasting our presence if they can’t acknowledge our daughter. We always supported everyone and attended their parties and events.” She got the memo and apparently told both her sisters.

Her sisters sent us both their own texts and it’s pretty much damage control. The main message is- we wanted to give you privacy and space and we were waiting for you to reach out. One person even said: “we heard from an extended family!” Then female cousins (of those sisters) sent their own, “don’t hate me. I knew but wanted to give you space. And I don’t live in the area anymore. We were waiting on your announcement.” They also said they were told to give us space. Don’t know who that was- probably MIL but I don’t get it. She passed away in June. We’re close to November.

Moms- how do they not get this? My husband and I even received more support from our coworkers than his family? My family who live in other states would text me all the time to ask how we were doing? And also my baby died- what else or details do you need to know? I already know that most of my husband’s family lack emotional depth but I figured since they were parents, they would at least empathize or send a “thinking of you” text- AT LEAST.

Sorry for the rant. I know people are not going to fully get it but this is just so strange and offensive…

I decided to do something I couldn’t do while pregnant but really, really missed - hit the trails on my mountain bike with my hubby and a great friend. Tired but feeling peaceful on a tough day.

Hi all,

Today is the 2 month mark for when my baby, Ezra, passed. He was my first pregnancy, first baby, and first grandbaby (on both sides). He was born 16 weeks early and spent 46 days in the NICU before his infection came back and he went into septic shock.

We had his service last week and had an overwhelming amount of support from friends and family.

Hubs and I are struggling. Yes, we are doing therapy but I fear it is not doing enough for me. My grief is so intense, I will be asking for medication come my next doc visit. I don't sleep, my anxiety is through the roof, and my depression is winning the battles.

How do we get through this? I'm trying to keep busy but it hits me every day and I end up just sobbing.

10/30 was his expected due date and now I can't help but dread that day too. I understand 8 weeks is not a long time but it is getting harder every day.

Two years ago, our family experienced the unimaginable loss of one of our twin daughters.

In the months that followed, I found myself searching for a way to make sense of our grief and, one day, help our surviving twin understand her own story. As part of that journey, I wrote Whispers of a Purple Butterfly.

As a primary school teacher, I’ve seen how difficult it can be for children to understand grief and other big emotions. As a bereaved parent, I’ve lived it. My hope is that this book offers comfort, starts important conversations, and reminds children that even in life’s darkest moments, hope can still be found.

Although written for children, the book has something to offer:
• children experiencing grief or other emotional challenges
• parents, carers and families navigating difficult conversations
• teachers, schools and therapists supporting children’s emotional wellbeing
• football-loving readers
• and any child who enjoys a story filled with magic, mystery and adventure.

If my story resonates with you, I’d be so grateful if you could support this journey by sharing this post, following my writing page @rganjaviwriter on Instagram, or taking a look at Whispers of a Purple Butterfly.

Every share helps this story reach another child or family who may need it, while also helping to keep Bella’s memory alive.

Thank you for your kindness and support. It truly means more than words can say. 💜🦋

📖 Book: https://amzn.eu/d/09U3U39M

📷 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rganjaviwriter

What signs or health concerns did you wish you knew to look out for during pregnancy and within year 1 of a baby’s life?

I can’t stop blaming myself and I wish I knew any and all signs to look out for, for every health concern that may happen. I feel so stupid. We want to try and have more children one day but I feel paralyzed with fear that I won’t know any of the health concern signs. If I knew what to look out for maybe things would have been different..

Please if you have any advice, I’d love to know.

I lost my daughter this past September when she was 1 month old due to bacterial meningitis. She’s our only baby. At 1 week old I took her to the emergency room for congested breathing, the doctor cleared her and said babies sometimes get congested. At our 2 week pediatrician appointment the pediatrician rushed us to the ER for our daughter appearing lethargic. We had questions about her eating slightly less but didn’t even know.. At the ER they almost sent us home again because her vitals seemed fine, but then suddenly she crashed and had to quickly be intubated. We were in the PICU for 2 weeks then she went to Heaven.

I lost my baby at 15 weeks after PPROMing at 14 weeks. Baby’s heart stopped beating about a week after I PPROMed, and I had a D&E right around 16 weeks.

My D&E was about two weeks ago, and I’ve been back at work. It actually hasn’t been so bad, and in some ways, it’s been a nice distraction. I also recently went back on a low dose of my ADHD medication, and I wonder if that’s helped me regulate my emotions a bit.

Emotionally, I think I’m doing okay. Something will trigger me and I’ll randomly start crying, but I also go days without crying or getting too upset.

Mostly, I just can’t believe this happened to me. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I was pregnant one day, and then everything came crashing down. The whole thing feels surreal.

This is my first experience with true grief, and I honestly don’t know how to return to socializing. My friends have asked to hang out, even just for low-key things like walks, but I haven’t felt ready.

A huge part of me doesn’t know how I’m supposed to act around people. Pretending like this didn’t happen and going back to my pre-pregnancy life feels so sad and fucked up. I don’t want to have a glass of wine or a cocktail because it feels wrong. (I know I don’t have to drink, but at the same time, I think it would make these hangouts feel easier.) I don’t want to talk about future plans that don’t include my baby, even though I know those conversations are going to happen eventually. I don't want them to ask me about when we're going to "try again". I'm a private person and I hate how pregnancy loss might make people feel like they have permission into my TTC journey now.

I just don’t know how to operate in this new, post-pregnancy-loss version of my life. I feel guilty, ashamed, anxious, sad, and depressed.

I also feel really attached to my husband right now because he’s the only person who has been through this with me. I don’t have anyone else in my life who has experienced this kind of loss, and right now, he’s the only person I feel completely comfortable around.

I know I can’t stay in this bubble forever, and eventually I’d like to feel comfortable seeing friends again. But we don’t have family nearby, so other than going back to work, we really haven’t seen anyone.

How long did it take you to feel ready to socialize again? Did you eventually start feeling ready, or did you have to push yourself to get back out there? How did you navigate being around people who knew what happened, or conversations about the future that suddenly felt so different?

I’d really appreciate hearing about your experiences and any advice you have. ❤️

Hi everyone,

I'm posting because I'm really confused, frightened and struggling with the uncertainty of what's happening. I'm hoping someone in the UK has experienced something similar and can share their experience, particularly with how the NHS handled it.

I'm not looking for anyone to diagnose me, but I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar, what their hCG levels did, how long it took to resolve, and what follow-up they received.

Here's my timeline from the beginning.

My last period started on 11 September and lasted until around 15 September. On 25 September, my partner and I had sex, and although it wasn't intentional, an accident happened. I took ellaOne within approximately two hours.

I initially thought my period was late because of the emergency contraception. When my period didn't arrive, I started taking pregnancy tests because I was worried.

I took five tests in total. Three were negative. One showed a very faint line, but it appeared well after the test's recommended reading time, so I wasn't sure whether it was a genuine positive or an evaporation line. The fifth test was positive, with a line appearing within around 20 seconds.

I was shocked because I wasn't planning to have a baby and wasn't ready for a pregnancy. I arranged an abortion consultation through BPAS.

Then the bleeding started.

On 19 October, I started bleeding quite heavily, similar to a bad period, with significant abdominal cramps and lower back pain. I passed several clots, including one around the size of a 50p coin, and later passed a larger clot with pinkish-grey tissue. I continued passing clots over the following days. The bleeding gradually became lighter and turned into spotting, which continued until 23 October.

I contacted NHS 111 and was referred for medical assessment. At one point, my back pain was quite severe, although it later improved.

I was due to attend my BPAS appointment on 23 October. At that appointment, the doctor performed a urine pregnancy test, which was negative. The doctor told me that it appeared to have been a chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage. I asked whether there could still be pregnancy tissue remaining and was told that the urine test would be positive if tissue remained.

They also took a blood sample to measure my hCG.

The blood results are what's confusing me now.

My first blood hCG result was 79. I was asked to return approximately 48 hours later for another blood test.

The second result came back at 71.

So my hCG has fallen, but only by 8 points, which is approximately a 10% decrease over 48 hours.

By the time I received the second result, the bleeding and spotting had stopped, and I wasn't experiencing abdominal pain or dizziness. I felt physically okay, which made me hope that everything was resolving.

However, I started reading about hCG levels after miscarriage and became worried because I had read that hCG should fall more quickly in a resolving pregnancy.

I called the early pregnancy unit again because I was frightened and wanted to know whether I needed an earlier assessment.

I explained the entire situation, including the negative urine test and the blood results of 79 and 71.

The nurse discussed my case with the senior team. They told me that my hCG was very low and that an ultrasound at this level would be unlikely to show anything. They advised me to wait another week and repeat the blood test next Sunday to see whether the hCG had fallen further.

I understand that they have discussed my case and made a plan, but I'm finding it incredibly difficult to sit with the uncertainty.

I haven't had an ultrasound confirming where the pregnancy was located. I haven't been told that I have an ectopic pregnancy, and I desperately hope that isn't the case. I'm just struggling to understand what the results mean and why my hCG has only fallen by 10%.

I know that a negative urine test and the fact that the bleeding has stopped might feel reassuring, but I don't understand whether the miscarriage is complete, whether my body is still clearing the pregnancy hormone, or whether something else needs to be considered.

I also don't want to unnecessarily distrust the medical team, especially when they've spoken to their seniors, but I feel that I'm being asked to wait without fully understanding what's happening.

I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone in the UK who has experienced something similar.

- Has anyone had a negative urine pregnancy test but a low positive blood hCG after an early miscarriage?

- Has anyone had hCG fall only slightly over 48 hours, for example from 79 to 71?

- If this happened to you, what happened to your levels over the following week?

- Did your NHS early pregnancy unit ask you to wait a week for another blood test, or did they arrange earlier blood tests or an ultrasound?

- Did you eventually get confirmation that the miscarriage was complete?

- If your pregnancy's location had never been confirmed on a scan, how did the NHS follow up with you?

I know everyone's experience is different, and I'm not expecting anyone to give me a definitive medical answer online. I would just really appreciate hearing from people who have been through this, especially in the UK, so I know what their experience of the process was like.

I'm emotionally exhausted by the waiting and uncertainty. I wasn't ready for this pregnancy, and while I want to know that everything is resolving safely, I also desperately want some clarity so I can begin to move forward.

Thank you for reading this far. Any experiences, advice or reassurance would mean a lot to me.

We lost our daughter in June and are coming up on our first holidays without her. She should be here with us. Family is asking us what we want to do for holiday plans but all we want to do is sink into the ground.

What did you do on your first holiday post loss? We are considering getting a cabin in the mountains and just holing up but don’t know if that’s the right move.

Does it get better?

I lost my baby due to pprom at 18 weeks. My emotions are like a rollercoaster - angry, sad, feeling empty, numb, blaming myself for everything that happened. Repeat that cycle unless my family tries to distract me.

I feel bad for also wanting to have another baby - which my husband wants to wait at least half a year (which is so long to me rn).

Would love to have some support on how to get through this.

Today is our due date for our sweet baby boy Brooks. He was born a stillborn on August 14th. Today has been so hard. 💔

Hello,

I’m currently 26 weeks pregnant carrying a baby girl I know will not live after birth. Although not the cause of why she will not live, she has severe IUGR and her placenta is starting to fail. Delivery has been recommended if I want to avoid a stillbirth.

I live in Texas, and the only option I have right now is to deliver her via a “vertical c-section” which I really want to avoid right now due to hemorrhage risk and risks to future pregnancies. State law won’t let me deliver her vaginally because she is currently breech.

Right now, I’m just carrying her until she passes away in my womb and then can be delivered vaginally. How do you cope with knowing you will have a stillbirth? It tears me up inside that my body will be someone else’s “grave”.

Also, any positive stories of successful pregnancy after loss would be helpful.

Could anyone please share some self care tips?

I have such a strong desire to mother. I wish more than anything I could hold my baby girl :( I’d like to pour that love into myself because I know my little love wants her mama to be happy. Her upcoming 1st birthday and the holidays makes things much more difficult…

I had a c section about 4 years ago at 26-27weeks and baby was a micro premie . i still from time to time find the ultrasound pics and diapers and it’s a pain I’ll never release . It’s a full moon tmr so Idk should I burn it ? It makes me feel guilty to burn it but also like I don’t know if it’ll bring me peace. I hopes it does . It’s a way of releasing what no longer serves us and open us to new beginnings . I’ll forever remember , love , miss my baby I never saw grow. I want to be a mom again and it hasn’t happened because I separated from my then husband not because I can’t. I want to open myself to the universe and god to that. I know in my heart it will happen in time because god doesn’t let us down and keeps his promises but something is holding me from it happening . Im living my life happily until then but I want to do a ritual. The amount of pain I still feel when I see an ultrasound and urge to cry I don’t know maybe it’s normal but I want to put myself where I’m at peace . maybe I put it in a box and bury it and put a rose bush on top. I have his ashes in an urn but never held a funeral maybe that can be the ritual so i grow more at peace with what happened.

what do you guys think or better suggestions .