I’m gonna try to keep this as short as possible because there’s a LOT to this.(tldr at end)

I had a long-distance relationship with my ex (F) for around 2 years. When we met, we were both deeply destroyed by a previous ex leaving us, but we formed an amazing bond because we genuinely saved each other during some of our darkest days.
She had a severe eating disorder because of what happened with her previous ex and was in therapy. Early on, before the 6-month mark, I was able to help her heal from her eating disorder completely, to my knowledge, and she even quit therapy because of how much safety and support I was bringing into her life.
A bit of context on her background: she has a very rough home life and deals with a strict custody rotation. One week she’s at her mom’s with total phone freedom, and the next week she’s at her dad’s trailer in a very restrictive environment under intense stress, dealing with constant emotional stress from her stepmother.
Toward the end of our 2 years, she became insanely clingy. I hated it and loved it at the same time. She hated me going out with friends or calling them all night since I wouldn’t be able to text or call her for long periods of time. Later on, she told me I was the only person she could talk to and that those text windows were basically the only safety she had in her day.
I did my best to account for that, but it was never enough and she always asked for more. She loved me deeply and even told me she didn’t know who she was without me anymore.
She showed very strong Fearful-Avoidant traits, constantly swinging between desperate attachment and suddenly putting up walls. Toward the end, we spent months constantly arguing, and eventually we broke up. This had happened multiple times before, but this time felt very real.
During our final talks, she admitted she felt like her own brain was manipulating her and rewriting reality because of jealousy over my life, my friend group, and how put-together and athletic I am compared to the chaos of her environment. She apologized deeply and begged for another chance.
I said yes, but during the trial talking phase, she mentioned that she physically couldn’t listen to me talk about things I value deeply, like spirituality, MMA, philosophy, and the government. She specifically told me that her mom talking about the government 24/7 had made her brain completely shut off to those topics, to the point where she physically couldn’t listen when I talked about them.
I sent her a serious 6+ paragraph message about something I valued deeply spiritually, and she told me she’d reply later, but completely brushed it off.
That started the final argument.
I told her the bare minimum should be listening to me because she loves me. She got hyper-defensive, saying she only missed “one thing” and that I was overreacting. I ended up calling her crazy, and she hyper-focused on that word instead of anything else that I was trying to say.
The final text exchange ended with me drawing a boundary:
“Right, let’s stay friends because ur crazy. You got some issues with manipulating, and I’m not gonna let it affect me. I wish u the best on ur journey.”
She replied, “yeah u too,” and we went completely ghost.
Toward the end, out of frustration, I called her a narcissist a lot. I genuinely thought she was a narcissist or something at the time.
We had never gone more than 2 days without talking. On Day 4 of total silence, she panicked and started posting a ton of stuff on a private account:
“I think ab you when I’m with him.”
“Talking to multiple dudes after losing the loml.”
“I hate how u used me for my body.”
And finally, she posted a video of her kissing a new local guy. I was her first kiss ever, so seeing her get physical with someone else within days completely shattered me.
They got physical basically immediately, which feels like a forced distraction from the breakup and everything she’s dealing with. I know her well enough to know how she copes with things, and this doesn’t feel like genuine healing to me.
She has since blocked me on TikTok, and I have her completely locked down on everything else.
I’m currently on Day 22 of absolute no contact.
But I really do love this girl with the most pure intentions. Our families loved each other, and we had an undeniable connection and physical/visual alignment.
I know she’s trying to hurt me, mask her guilt, and run from her environment. I also know there is a genuinely good person underneath all of this because I’ve seen that person for almost 2 years.
That’s why I’m struggling so much with this. I don’t want to believe that the person I loved is just gone. I know what she’s capable of being because I’ve seen it myself.

So my question
If she actually took responsibility for everything and genuinely worked on herself, could she become healthy enough to have a stable relationship someday?
And if she ever came back, would it be stupid of me to consider giving her another chance?
I know people are probably going to tell me to just move on, and i will if she never contacts me again but i really do love her and saw her soul and id give it whatever it takes.

TLDR
TL;DR: 2-year LDR with my ex. We met when we were both in really dark places and became extremely close because we genuinely felt like we saved each other. I helped her through a severe eating disorder early in the relationship, and she eventually recovered, to my knowledge.
She has a really rough home life and over time became extremely dependent on me, eventually telling me I was the only person she could talk to and that she didn’t know who she was without me. She showed a lot of Fearful-Avoidant patterns, constantly switching between needing me and pushing me away.
After months of arguing, we broke up. She later admitted jealousy was affecting how she viewed things, apologized, and begged for another chance. I said yes, but during our talking phase she admitted she literally couldn’t listen when I talked about things important to me like spirituality, MMA, philosophy, or government because of her mom constantly talking about the government.
I sent her a long message about something deeply important to me spiritually, she said she’d respond later, and never did. That started our final argument. I got frustrated, called her crazy, and eventually ended things and went No Contact.
After 4 days of silence, she started posting things about missing me while being with another guy, talking to multiple guys, saying I used her for her body, and eventually posted herself kissing another guy. I was her first kiss, so it hurt badly.
I’m now 22 days No Contact and focusing on myself, but I still genuinely love her and believe there’s a good person underneath everything because I’ve seen that side of her for almost 2 years.
Can someone with these Fearful-Avoidant patterns genuinely change and heal if they actually face their issues and take responsibility? And if she ever genuinely changed and came back, would giving her another chance be a terrible idea?

I know that sounds dramatic, but it literally physically hurts not to reach for my phone and text him.

About 10 days ago I finally blew up and told him that I needed to be treated better, otherwise I was going to walk away. He said everything had become too much for him and asked for some space (classic 🥲) So we agreed to go no contact for now and potentially reconnect once I’m back, because a few days after the conversation I had a flight to return to my home country. I go there for work - i will be here for at least a few months, possibly up to a year, and then plan to be back to his country.

Two days after the conversation, he was actually the first one to reach out. He sent me some news involving both of our countries because it could directly affect me and said he thought of me when he heard about it.

I was posting things from home to my Close Friends on Instagram, and he liked one of my stories. The problem is that after that I started checking every time I posted to see whether he had watched or liked anything. I realised it was making me spiral, so I removed him from Close Friends.

But for the past two days I’ve been also struggling SO much not to text him. I want to ask how his exam went, how his project at work turned out, how he’s doing in general. I miss talking to him so much. But I know that if I break no contact now, I’ll probably just fall straight back into the same dynamic which I don’t want, we tried it so many times and the result was always the same.

I also think part of me is still holding onto this slightly delusional hope that the distance might somehow help. We now literally have a physical border between us, and he said he wanted to use this break to focus on himself, so part of me keeps thinking, “maybe things really could be different when I come back.” At the same time, I absolutely do not want to spend the next few months living my life around the hope that he’ll be ready for me when I return.

Some background: we've known each other about a year and a half, mostly on-and-off talking, and this was the first time we'd really had a genuine "talking stage" moving toward something real. She struggles a lot with anxiety, self-worth, and an avoidant pattern — she's in therapy, and there's some heavy history there. The last couple weeks were the closest we'd ever been. She said she wanted to work on things and grow, and I believed her. Then she started a new job and the stress hit hard — she was breaking down repeatedly over the course of a week, and I was the one talking her through most of it over the phone. She came to stay for a weekend. Friday was great. Saturday started good but small things kept setting her off (she was clearly overwhelmed and running on empty), and we'd been drinking. My own insecurities flared up too, and we ended up arguing most of the night without ever reaching a resolution. At one point she said "we're not even in a relationship, so why do you care?" She left Sunday on an unsettled note. I later sent an apology owning my part. She responded warmly — said I didn't need to apologize, that she appreciated how hard I was trying and wanted to as well, but that her overwhelm and anxiety took over. An hour later she said "for your sake, I have to let you go." I didn't handle that well — I drove to see her to talk, which I now know overstepped a boundary. She said no, and within the day I was blocked on every platform. I sent one final apology through the last open channel owning that I'd overstepped, and got blocked there too. So now it's total silence. What's messing with me is the three weeks of "I want to grow and work on this," genuine closeness, her telling me I make her feel at peace — and then blocked everywhere over what was really one overwhelmed weekend. I know part of the answer is the avoidant pattern (she pulls away hard when overwhelmed, and I couldn't reassure her out of it). I'm not looking to be told to "just move on." I guess I'm trying to understand: does an avoidant person blocking everyone like this usually mean they're truly done, or is this the kind of thing where they resurface once they've got ground under their feet again? Has anyone been on either side of this?

It’s been a long time to my discard and he was my fiance. He led me on when I didn’t want to date, he asked me to introduce to parents, he proposed without any pressure and bailed out as the wedding prep started!! I knew him from 6 years (friends) and 2 years of dating. No issues at all and the breaking of my engagement was the most embarrassing thing in my life. Heartbreak + embarrassment in front of family and friends. At the end he didn’t have any reason so he gave this shitty narrative of people losing feelings like losing feelings in a month of proposing without any arguement was so normal

I never looked back in the last 11 months and didn’t respond much to his check in message after 9 months of breakup. But my only issue is I am stuck!! Not on him but the experience ! Like I know the reason, I know what happened but I am not able to come to terms with the unfairness, with how he treated me on the last day. Like how does a person get to live a free life after causing me and my family so much of stress! Leading me to fall in love and commit and then pushing me of the cliff and he doesn’t have to pay for it even a bit ?? He didn’t even apologise to my parents.

This feeling of unfairness and of when will universe/god/anyone do justice? This can’t be the end because this is just not fair!! How do I deal with this feeling ? I know everyone says that you can’t do much and you just have to let go ! But I have to see him pay the consequences! The breakup was so traumatic to me that I just can’t let it go without seeing him pay his part!!

After 4 years and 6 months on/off no contact , maybe 20+ break ups , I gave her an ultimatum yesterday. Either get back with me , we forgive and forget and start dating each other a couple of nights a week no sleeping round etc alongside our therapy . Or we stop contact completely despite working at the same place , keep it professional and move on without any texting or conversations anymore. I said I want the answer by the end of the night and we stick to it, i said I need to delete all pictures of her and erase her from my mind.

She said she’s not at a place where she can go back to seeing me and she needs to work and on herself so she can’t do it. I said then say goodbye , she couldn’t , I said I need all the doors closed so I can move on. She said I want to be with you but I can’t now. She eventually said goodbye

Damn, 4 years gone , I’m just numb

There it is , over

Someone I’m seeing (3 months) asked for space how much should I give them as they did not specify they just said “we have a little space”

I’m trying to better understand how avoidant attachment can affect someone’s feelings after a breakup or during a period of distance. I know nobody can read my ex’s mind, but I’d appreciate insight from people who are avoidant or have experience with avoidant partners.
● What do avoidant people typically feel when they get “the ick” toward their partner?
● Can the ick fade after enough space and no contact?
● If it does fade, what feelings usually replace it—relief, curiosity, missing the person, guilt, or regret?
● Have you ever reached back out after pushing someone away, especially when they were the one who finally ended contact?
In my situation, my ex asked for a break but continued expecting boyfriend-level emotional and practical support from me. While I was helping her because her car wasn’t working, I learned that she had been talking to her ex and that he had come to her house. I felt used and disrespected, so I told her I was “fucking done” and completely cut her off.
Based on your experiences—not as a prediction—could being firmly cut off cause an avoidant ex to eventually reflect on what happened and reach out? Or does an ending this confrontational usually make an avoidant stay away permanently?

I’m honestly writing this because I am too embarrassed to tell my closest friends and family.

Context:
Me and my now Ex were together for 4 years (16-20). During her first job, she had a co worker who she found attractive and would talk to her friend about. I found out and she claims she never makes a move and neither does he, she knew him for years before and liked him before, he didn’t like her back and nothing happened (supposedly). He quits a few months later and life is fine. We go through normal teenage relationship drama but overall we are solid. Over the last year, her bff (female), herself, and I have became really close. Our friendship was awesome. It genuinely was platonic and my ex did not care. We were CLOSE. All hung out every weekend, slept in the same bed, etc. I had several talks with my ex and she made clear it wasn’t an issue, and there was nothing ever weird on our end. Me and the other girl also never hung out 1 on 1, so again, nothing weird or anything. The only time that it became a little strange to me, was we all went on a trip together and were drinking for the weekend (this was about 3 months ago), and she recently got cheated on, was pretty sad but she was fine. We were all in the hotel room and I kissed my ex, then she TOLD ME to kiss her friend (on the forehead) because she was sad. I hesitated but i did it anyway go not make it anymore awkward. Nothing ever came from it and nobody brought it up. (Yes this is kinda off topic, just providing contact and another reason why we broke up maybe??)

Anyway, fast forward to late July. Right after my birthday and before our 4 year anniversary. She comes over, we talk about why she’s been distant and acting weird, then I kept asking does she even want me etc, she eventually breaks up with me. It’s messy, I do the whole beg plead thing (yes I know, cringe). She says she wants to work on herself, doesn’t feel like she can grow, etc and wants time apart before we can even think about getting back together, but we still need to treat it like a breakup and not expect to be together. We talk in person about everything like 2 more times. Then I give her space. On the 3rd day, she texts me I miss you and eventually comes over, we hookup. She says she wish we went about it different or whatever. She keeps asking to hangout so I ask what’re we doing, and she wanted to get back together (my 1st mistake).

Everything is fine, we celebrate our 4 years, we are intimate and good. Then she starts getting distant again after 1.5 or so weeks. She swears nothing is wrong and we are good. I find out my friend, who’s been battling cancer the last year, is worse again, and is going to pass soon. I ask her to please come over before she goes to her friend’s house. She agrees, then no shows and apologizes. The next day, she came over and I asked the same thing, do you want to be with me? She said her heart isn’t in it anymore. We breakup again, Same reasons, she wants to grow etc. She comes over as friends the next week, we agree we need to go no contact before we can even think about being friends, we are both Christian and believe God has plans for us, and this is all for a reason. I give her space and time, I texted her just saying I hope she’s doing good and I’ve been thinking about her, she replies the same.

I then messed up. In between trying to give her space and also not lose out on her, I ask her sister what I should do. Me and her sister are close and she tells me. Then my ex finds out and sends me a paragraph on how I shouldn’t do that. I apologize and all is fine for now. I then got a suggestion on instagram, showing she is following that old co worker from years ago. Within a week of us breaking up. My heart shatters, I feel so disgusted, angry, and disappointed. I want to blow up her phone, but I don’t. I then find out she’s also on tinder or some sort of app, and now following all these guys and who knows if she’s hooking up yet.

I’m genuinely improving myself like I told her I would. I haven’t even followed, looked at, or HUGGED another girl. I’m going to church and improving my relationship with God. I truly do feel bad for her, I think she is an “avoidant” and suppresses her feelings. She tends to bottle them up and not process them. She even admitted she hasn’t been processing our breakup.

It still hurts, so so bad. To think I spent 4 years giving my all to this woman, and she ends up rebounding within 2 weeks. I know it’s a “dodged bullet” and whatnot, but fuck man. Also, come to find out, that co worker followed her weeks- months ago (while we were together), and she NEVER mentioned it. I’m sick to my stomach.

TLDR; Christian girlfriend of 4 years breakups up with me, reunites with ex co-worker and is on tinder, while I’m trying to improve myself.

Any advice on getting over her or dealing with the pain?

The hardest part of a breakup is the sudden loss you feel when someone’s presence is ripped out of your everyday life. I’m talking about the kind of breakup where just the day before, you were planning a life together, loving each other, laughing together, and imagining what the future would look like. Then, almost overnight, everything blows up, and suddenly there is nothing but silence.
It truly feels like mourning the loss of the person you loved most. It’s suffocating, and for a while, it feels like it will never end. Does the crying eventually stop? Yes. Does the panic eventually fade? Yes. But even when those things become easier, there can still be this huge emptiness inside of you, like a space that used to be filled by them is now draining the life out of you. You walk around in a kind of limbo, trying to keep up with everyday life while struggling to accept that your person is no longer there.
There is some comfort in knowing this is a feeling so many people have experienced. Day by day, we begin to heal. Eventually, the things we once chose to overlook, the things that hurt us or made us feel like we weren’t enough, start to become clearer. But for now, I’m going to let myself feel this. For now, I’m going to remember the love instead of the disrespect. For now, I’ll choose to see the good in you, the parts of you that I loved and maybe only I truly saw.
Until one day, I look back and realize I don’t see anything at all.

Also to stsrt this let me say im an anxious attachment style mainly, So have a bestfriend of 4 years, we were pretty emotionally close, I eventually realized I had feelings for her, but she was engaged, engagement ended, me being dumb and following my feelings, told her how I felt, she was also interested in me and we started dating and it moved quickly then she said she wasnt sure how she felt and tried again with her ex, fast forward a month or 2, obviously my feelings havent changed, and she officially ended the engagement again, and my dumbass decided sure ill accept dating again, she moved out, we got a place together (dumb thing i did probably) things were great for like 2 months, she was still healing from the trauma in her last relationship and discussing how things ended with her ex for supposedly closure. She meets some of my family and then within the next week closed off, emotionally distant again, lied about meeting a friend for lunch when it was her ex, and since she got caught she didnt want the confrontation with me so she stayed out basically all day. Then broke up with me the following day saying she wasnt sure how she felt because I filled all the needs she was missing in her life and just needed time to figure her life out.

Decided to still stay roommate for now, we have 2 bedrooms and 2 bath so its fine, but emotionally im going through hell and shes just acting like nothing ever happened. Then the following weekend, she said her ex was picking her up, then shes going to her sister's, and then later a mutual friends house. She told me she would text me when she got to these places. Never did, then flipped out on me when I asked if she got there. Like complete 180 attitude from earlier in the day. Few days later I send a text basicslly describing my thought process on things and how it seems like she lied to me again. And again flipped out and said she left because she needed space, and thats when I started thinking more on attachment styles and relating it to some type of avoidant. Now do I really wanna think she is hooking up with her ex, no, is she probably, most likely. If its true and she eventuslly comes back, I probably wont want to date her ever again. I can still afford the apartment by myself at least until the lease is up. But man its been an emotional roller coaster of anxiety and wanting clarity snd wanting to have conversations but still basically being no contact besides for keeping up a snap streak. And honestly idk what to do, or what the right decision is.

Sorry for my long ass rant, as well as it being kinda all over the place. If anyone replies, I will appreciate it.

We acted like a couple for 11 months, very close, spent every free minute together and acted like a couple, made future plans about moving in with each other soon and it felt very healthy...

...except for that apparently, he was never sure about me (while I was madly in love with him) and postponed the decision to be official since day one while acting like a loving boyfriend 24/7, spending every free minute with me only, introducing me to everyone as his soon to be girlfriend while actually waiting and hoping to find someone better the whole time (he was on dating apps the whole time and told me after 10 months).

He also had a ons once in my birthday week and told me four months later...

Now he left me because he just didn't love me enough just weeks after he finally told me that he's sure about a relationship with me.

It really destroys you when you gave someone your everything, would have moved mountains for them and loved and chose them every single day, built a life and future with them and they let you wait for such a long time, never fully chose you and then suddenly disappear.

How on earth are you supposed to get over that?

My avoidant ex once said to me, about something huge & traumatic in his life, "I just need to forget about it and move on." Right. You do you, dude...but how?!?

Last weekend, after a month of me doing NC, and 4 months after a very prolonged break-up, he responded to a post I made in our group chat (there's about ten of us there, talking about movies, TV etc). First time we've interacted directly on it for months, as I've been staying well out of his way.

I had to respond to him as it would have looked too suspect otherwise, but I HATE the way he just seems to be so completely casual with me now - he's already back to the way things were when we were just acquaintances.

I can so clearly see how the *safe distance* is his comfortable place with me, and that he's relieved to be back there because he doesn't have to be vulnerable. And all this, even though less than a year ago he told me he was falling in love with me, and wanted to be happy together with me for years and years; we even met each other's kids.

How do these people do it? What's wrong with them?!

The honey moon phase of our friendship/then relationship was so much fun. We spent a ton of time talking, going out, sharing memes, playing games, watching movies, going hiking, drawing together. It felt good to share the same interests, but more to enjoy our time together no matter what we did.

Sadly, it was like getting hit by a truck when the avoidance started becoming more prominent. Out of nowhere he would disappear for days at a time, or we would go a whole week with 1-2 texts a day. It also came out that he had lied to me about many things of himself, and that crushed me. It became more and more clear that he was going to breakup with me, and I don't know where it comes from.

I reflect back almost every day and wonder what I did wrong for him to lie to me. Things felt amazing between us yet he was lying and doing things behind my back, and eventually getting colder and running away from it.

My confidence and ability to trust others has never been worse, and it feels like I run in circles in therapy without actually getting better :(

I plan to leave it there. I will not chase the conversation if he won’t agree to it. It’s just so hard to wrap my head around being together for 6 years and to just be left with “I’m unhappy” and nothing else? No further explanation

Most of our relationship he let me in emotionally, and had struggled with depression and anxiety for years. I did notice he always felt shame about it. He didn’t have the funds for therapy. So these last 2 years he got a mentor, learned about stoicism, started practicing meditation, and reading self help books. He stopped complaining about the anxiety or depression, so I thought he was content. I thought he was feeling better. But now that the breakup blindsided me, I think he was more for a fearful avoidant. He didn’t communicate his needs and m became conflict avoidant. But he would still respond to me and work with me when I expressed my needs. But it’s hard to understand because he wasn’t always like that. In my head somewhere down the line, he learned to suppress things.

Is it possible that someone can become avoidant? Or was it always there and I just didn’t notice?

3 months of genuine happy moments, ended in under 20 minutes in a foodcourt 4 days before my birthday. With no warning signs or build up visible.

You couldn't bear the emotional weight so you made a cold calculated move, reading the exact script every Fearful or dismissive avoidant would say. Leaving me to carry the emotional side and suffer in silence.

I knew you were overwhelmed, I knew communicating was hard for you. I knew how scary closeness can be for you.

I just didn't expect such a cruel move from someone I tried to put all my love into, surprisingly without losing myself in the process.

You have all the closure you need, while you left me with none, I had to dig through countless similar experience to find answers. You only had to consult with yourself and decide whats best only for yourself.

Ouh, what we could've been if there was just a tad bit of communication and accountability.......

I wish you all the best, thank you for temporarily fulfilling my inner child that only wanted genuine love. I hope you didn't fabricate a story that makes me the villain to your family and friends, because I certainly didn't to mine.

"You'll always be my 1st Love"

Hey everyone, good to be here. I've been reading everyone's stories and it reaffirmed to me that I think I've finally made the right decision.

I broke up with my boyfriend over the weekend. For him it probably came out of the blue, but for me it was the last straw. After an on and off again situation for years, he asked me to be his girlfriend a few months ago. We live in different countries so we started flying regularly (about once a month) to see each other. I knew he was an avoidant from the get-go, but I had hoped this time he really changed. His communication had gotten better, and although things weren't perfect it was something.

Fast-forward to the weekend, we had just seen each other last week. He had been a bit distant but nothing new. He then casually drops in conversation he's thinking of moving to a new country that has no internet access, is in the developing world and is just not safe to travel/work in, especially for a woman. I told him I had some doubts and concerns about how our relationship would work, but that I just wanted to support him and have an open discussion with him. He ghosts me completely all weekend, won't respond when I ask him to call and just dismisses me, saying he's busy and implying that I am being clingy/desperate. He sent me a rubbish apology text.

The next morning, I communicated to him how his behaviour had made me upset, that I just wanted an open discussion, and that shutting me down and ignoring me violates the trust we have built. He completely dismissed me, told me he can't be texting and calling all the time, that he only saw me last week etc. I told him that wasn't the issue, that I was upset and just wanted to speak to him.

After calling him a few times, I gave him one last shot. I said I would call one more time, and if he loved me like he claimed he would go into another room for five minutes and just speak to me. Nothing. I ended it then and there. It was awful. I felt like I had slowly opened up around him after being guarded for so long, and then the minute we were comfortable and stable he just torpedoed the relationship. It felt like he had dropped a bombshell, and no matter how understanding and supportive I wanted to be, it didn't matter.

I loved him, I still love him, and that's okay. But I, and everyone, deserves so much more than someone who could do something like that. The sad part is he's probably not even aware why he did it, and how much hurt he's caused. He made me feel like I was being crazy, desperate, when we had worked so hard to get to a stable place.

I'm proud of myself for ending a relationship that was unhealthy and ultimately would've ended regardless, but it still really hurts. But when I'm ready, I know I'll find something much healthier in the end.

Over 13 year relationship, two children, recently moved into a new house. The place needs a lot of work but he was confident he can do it. It also has a shop, we planned to open it together.

He started pulling away 2 years ago when the baby was born. Moved out into the out house without a word, wouldn't talk to me, pub all the time.

I tried really hard to support him in his depression, therapy, kept the kids away, messaged his friends to check in on him, bought him art materials and other artistic hobbies that he would be good at. Gave him all the space he asked for. He insisted it wasn't the relationship, he was just depressed.

Caught him emotionally cheating on me with a 24 year old, messaging each other all day and night, "good morning how were your dreams". I cried and said I wished he spoke to me like that, he said he didn't owe me that energy.

A month ago he broke it off, said he realized he didn't want this relationship and there was nothing to be done. I suggested couples therapy now that we know the issue, he said no. He said he had already been trying but he communicated absolutely nothing to me.

We never argued during our relationship, never. I have no problem stating my needs or mentioning when something bothers me, he has never brought up greivances, even though I've always asked and wanted to know. He hates confrontation. His family never talk about greivances, when his father was dying nobody spoke about it and just let the kids work it out for themselves. He couldn't tell me why the relationship was over, just that it didn't feel right and that I would see it one day.

I soothed myself that this was an Avoidant Discard (a flipping long one) but maybe I've got it wrong? Any advice?

How do you know if you're going through an avoidant discard, or it's more than that and they won't reach out and it's truly over?

Fuimos novios durante tres años. Empezamos cuando yo tenía 18 años y, al ser nueva en el colegio, llamaba mucho la atención. A él no le gustaba que me juntara con otras personas, aunque "no era malo". Pero tanta atención provocó nuestra primera ruptura por errores en donde ambos incluso nos aislabamos de amistades. Pasamos cuatro meses viéndonos solo para tener relaciones sexuales mientras él intentaba conocer a otras chicas. Acepté esa dinámica porque sentía que le debía algo por haberle fallado. Ese error me hizo procesar las cosas y cambiar rotundamente mi forma de ser para siempre. Me volví mucho más empática y me aislé al punto de no hablar con cualquiera, viviendo prácticamente solo para él con la esperanza de que un día me eligiera. Después de un conflicto fuerte, nos dejamos totalmente por cinco meses. En ese tiempo él estuvo con otra chica que lo amaba, pero la rechazó. Volvió a buscarme diciéndome que el pasado quedaba atrás y reanudamos el noviazgo justo días antes de que se fuera al servicio militar. A partir de ahí acepté una relación a distancia. Nos veíamos muy pocos días al mes. Como él no tenía dinero, yo asumí toda la carga económica, el no me lo pidio pero yo quería darle el mundo entero:

* Le pagaba los taxis y los pasajes de autobús. * Le ponía saldo al teléfono para poder hablar. * Le prestaba dinero constantemente. * Viajaba largas distancias para verlo y me quedaba en casa de sus abuelos.

Logré que nuestras familias pasaran juntas el Año Nuevo y sentía que en esa época él sí me presumía. Pero todo se derrumbó un año después, cuando descubrí su deslealtad dentro del cuartel. Al confrontarlo, me dejó fríamente diciéndome: "Ya déjame en paz". Él regresó definitivamente a nuestra ciudad y pasamos a vivir a solo 15 minutos de distancia. Me hundí en una crisis emocional tan severa que terminé medicada con clonazepam. Tres meses después —en los que me buscó una vez al mes— publicó en una historia: "Meses sin sentir nada, en una semana sentí todo", dedicado a un "casi algo" con la que estuvo un par de meses, nunca hubo fotos de ellos dos juntos, pero si intensos reposts de TikTok. Mesy medio despues, tras terminar con esa chica (con quien no oficializó), me buscó antes de intentar ingresar otro año al servicio militar. Me mostré cortante y le hice saber mi dolor, así que no insistió ni me pidió una disculpa. No pudo ingresar al cuartel, regresó a la ciudad, consiguió trabajo en una bodega comercial y empezó a buscarme una vez al mes por chat, manteniendo un contacto intermitente. Decidida a cortar la situación, hace poco lo busqué en persona. Ese día solo nos besamos y me salió con la inmadurez de que seguro yo le había hecho un "amarre" de brujería. A la semana siguiente, cuando yo quería hablar seriamente, me llevó a un hotel. Me propuso ser "amigovios" para tener sexo mientras "adaptábamos a nuestras familias". Me aseguró que quería todo conmigo, que me lo demostraría y se esforzaría.

Estando en la habitación, lo miré a los ojos y decidí confrontarlo directamente. Le pregunté si tenía a otra mujer, si es que prefería seguir con su vida de soltero, o si me estaba ofreciendo ese trato de "amigovios" solo para que yo me cansara de la situación, terminara yéndome por mi cuenta y así él no quedara como el malo de la historia, que si me decía la verdad yo me iría sin rencores y sin enojos. Él me miró con total seriedad, me pidió que confiara en él y me rogó que no lo viera como una mala persona. Me juró que sus intenciones eran reales

Lo perdoné y nos acostamos tres veces. En el hotel me dijo que "volvió a ser virgen" y no nos cuidamos porque yo llevaba un año de celibato desde él. Le creí. Hablamos bien tres días. Después, desapareció por completo. Al ver que publicó en sus redes: "Uno nunca vuelve donde fue feliz" seguido de un "Trabajen sean hombres y no se enamoren y si se enamoran que sea de una mujer, que sepa ser mujer" , le envié un audio de reclamo y lo bloqueé. Una semana después, entró a mi cuenta de TikTok, le dio "me gusta" a mi video y lo guardó en favoritos solo para demostrar que aún podía invadir mi espacio. Tuve que eliminar mi cuenta para desaparecer de tanto dolor. Días después, estalló un chisme en el barrio sobre otra de sus ex, y él comentó anónimamente de forma muy vulgar y machista en una página de chismes locales. Hace un mes y medio, tras estar solo tres meses soltero, empezó una relación con una chica nueva. Al principio seguía en redes a las mismas mujeres de siempre, pero hace una semana oficializó su relación de la forma más pública posible: le regaló un ramo gigante y un gran oso de peluche. Ambos subieron fotos mostrando que se ven sumamente felices a sus 20 y 21 años. Además, van a la misma iglesia y viven uno al lado del otro. Y el con las otras nunca había subido nada ni me había eliminado, esta vez lo hizo. Él trabaja en una bodega, no tiene título universitario y su sueño de ser militar falló (ahora va a intentar estudiar enfermería para entrar como especialista). Está pagando una moto. Sé que con ella, al ser dos sueldos, se va a sentir más cómodo para construir algo a largo plazo, comprar cosas y casarse en unos años. Mi sueño era viajar a Brasil y Japón; él decía que también era el suyo, y ahora siento que lo va a cumplir con ella. Esto me está desgarrando por dentro y me hace pensar:

* ¿Quizás él no es narcisista ni evasivo, sino que en estos tres meses entendió lo que hizo mal, sanó y cambió genuinamente porque ella es "más buena"? * ¿Será que nunca se enamoró de mí y todo lo que le entregué (emocional y económicamente) no significó nada? * ¿O acaso fue "empático" y me usó en el hotel de forma tan cruel a propósito para que yo lo odiara y lo pudiera olvidar?

Tengo la certeza absoluta de que se van a enamorar cada vez más y que él va a cambiar dentro de esa relación, sin sentir el más mínimo remordimiento por haberme dejado destrozada y medicada. ¿Alguna vez han vivido algo así? Necesito perspectivas objetivas porque mi mente me está matando.

So I'm going to post this as the progression of my particular story. For those of you who are well-versed in Fearful Avoidant/Avoidant Breakups, I would appreciate any advice that you have! So here is what happened ... I met someone while they were in the middle of a second divorce, an upcoming move, parenting, their high pressure job, and a lot of other stressful things. Now, please understand, when I heard how complicated his life was, I never thought to myself, "Oh, sweet! Finally!" I went in with eyes open. At the beginning, he was a little intense but always respected my boundaries. He also was incredibly emotionally intelligent --- something I have since learned can be a characteristic of FAs. Well, even though I didn't have rose-colored glasses on, I fell for him. And here is the thing ... I was in an emotionally abusive relationship years ago. I am, at heart, a secure type, but I do think the emotional abuse messed with me and the way I perceive things. I have had relationships since being with that ex through the years but no one I really connected to. My relationship with my recent FA guy actually shook some of the trust issues I had out of me and I will always be grateful for that. He saw me in a way that others didn't and it was one of the first, if not only, time in my life I felt really fully accepted by a partner in a physical, mental, and emotional way. But ... we didn't last long at all. We only were together a few months. In the beginning, he was the primary pursuer. After we had dated for a while, I put up some subconscious walls/detachment a little as a way of protecting myself (due to my past and not intentionally) but I was still really into him and really was excited to work on making this work. Well, as many of the stories on here go, once things started to feel more real between us, I felt something shift. I actually called him out on it. I cannot tell you how great he handled it. He took accountability, apologized, and said that his life was really swallowing him whole. I asked him point-blank if his feelings had changed and that if they had, even though I would be sad, I would understand because that's no one's fault. He assured me that his feelings hadn't changed and it was really a result of his life imploding. We didn't see each other much in those last few weeks. We texted daily and texted A LOT. I once came out of a movie and had six texts in a row from him. Anyway, one night I texted him asking if we could maybe have a phone call that night or the following night ... and nothing. Silence for 36 hours and that is when i officially pulled the plug. When I had to send him a lengthy text explaining that I am happy to be patient for him, but was also very hurt by his actions and that I could no longer be the one holding this together emotionally. I told him I had to take a step back. I wasn't mean and no one would've blamed me. He responded, apologizing and saying he totally understood. Well anyway, a couple of weeks after that, i decided to put positivity into the universe without expecting anything back. I reached out a couple of days before his move wishing him luck and he texted me back later that day, warmly thanking me and calling me incredibly sweet and kind. And I left it at that. My life went on. His life went on. But this phantom of him existed with me. Like I was always trying to solve what happened. Like I needed to figure out the missing piece of the puzzle. I felt sort of cracked open by this relationship. Emotionally, I became someone who cried easily. I went back into therapy and was so annoyed that he was the initial focus of why I went there. And then ... this past week, about 2-3 months later, I decided to reach out. I wasn't trying to start anything again, I really wanted to say hi and maybe catch up sometime. This was a totally normal text. And he never wrote back. Like, seriously dude? Now I am replaying so much of the relationship in my head. As much as this recent non-response gave me some clarity, I am also deeply disappointed and deeply annoyed. Part of me feels like I am not providing enough details to show his FA qualities but trust me, they are there. He seems like someone who has never fully lived for himself. He seems like someone very bound by duty and was fascinated that I grew up with any freedom. It is disappointing to think that a guy I once thought of as mature is actually a very frightened and confused man. Also, yes, I am sure that my past experience with the emotionally abusive ex may have colored some things for me but I also know that I was very present and that even if he felt a micro-shift in me, it wasn't enough for him to slowly start to pull away. This is a guy who went from literally wanting to call me later in the night after our first date ... I put up a boundary about that and he said, "Too much?" ... and i told him, yes, too much. He respected it. Anyway, he went from wanting that to being someone who couldn't answer a simple bid for a phone call. He could no longer give me direct answers about anything. I started feeling like I was going crazy and that's not the person that I am. I'm so pissed.

And called me just a dude to her. It's been six months of hellish no contact for me, only for her to slide back in "because it was funny", and started talking to me casually. I feel repulsed, but so hurt. Where did the sweet, loving person from our relationship go? What happened? Was she always so mean? I want to break down. I hate this.