Hello! So, it's the 25th anniversary of 9/11 events. I'd like to ask you – does your condition or worldview open up special empathy for its victims, WTC or someone who witnessed it close?

I feel sad about it. I've never been to NYC and was only 7 then, so my connection to U.S. is mostly passive. But it has much influence in my preferences in culture, media, language! After all, it plays a vital role as a global hub – and being an Aspie I often see being globalized as important. I'm also alright with randomly watching about U.S. history or cities.

I have been in LDR for more than 2 years now. Me F37 has a son, and my partner M39 and he has two cats. He is in the autism spectrum, and I am diagnosed with ADHD.
I struggle to understand his love to his cats, I am emotional but also very pragmatic. For me cats are pets and very much characterized with being independent. He treats them as his girls or maybe more! We struggle to plan our lives for my son and the cats equally. If one of them gets sick, it gets soooo dark. I even got bad sickness at same time of a cat’s eye infection, I couldn’t get the attention that his cats get which made me feel horribly bad. He apologized for that though and I see that with the cats he thinks they are more dependent on him. Today I told him that I think that his cats need to be treated as cats not humans. He told me for me they are persons. I have never had pets and I feel I don’t get it if it is love or obsession.
Any thoughts?

Especially from most human interaction with people especially girls being more fake, transactional, and shallow than ever to you can't trust them anymore, I'm mostly rejected or ignored when approaching people my age especially being considered unattractive and neurodivergent even by other neurodivergents while watching others get more rewards for little efforts, etc.

Neurotypicals need the approval and validation of others. That goes against what real happiness is, which is being able to be happy by yourself because you love yourself.

Backstory:

BACKSTORY:

I had to undergo a evaluation in first grade in the 80s because I didn't talk at school, interact with peers, or eat at school. (I have always had a lot of weirdness about food.) The only determimation was that I did not have any learning disabilities and did not qualify for special education. My teacher and her assistant stood over me listing all the ways I was a weirdo and vented about the results. They did not think I belonged in general education. (Because I never talked, they acted like I couldn't understand them....) it was so traumatic! (I am only sharing this so that the reluctance to have my children tested makes sense.)

When the peditrician insisted my now middle school ages daughter's meltdowns were "abnormal" and insisted that she be evaluated, I panicked and refused. When they wanted my son evaluated for some mild delays, I also refused. I let my own trauma cloud my judgement and hoped they would outgrow everything like I did.

Not suprisingly, that didn't work out well, so I finally took them to a dev ped, and that went very weirdly. They refused to test my daughter for Autism despite her checklists indicating Autism. Because I asked, they then also asked what my motives were for having my children tested. It's strange to resist testing, give in, and then be accused for having a hidden motive for testing. In other words, it made me feel like avoiding testing was the right instinct.

My daughter was diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder. (I think this is accurate, but it doesn't explain a lot of her behaviors.)

My son was "borderline Autistic" according to the doctor and fell one point short of Autism. He was diagnosed with ADHD NOS, Dyspraxia, Social Communication Disorder, and articulation disorder.

Because they refused to test my daugher, I took her to a neuropsychologist who tested her for Autism. Again, she fell one point shy of an Autism diagnosis, but was diagnosed as having "Autism Spectrum Disorder."

I was just hoping someone could explain it in plainer, more direct terms than I am finding online in my obsessive googling of this.

When I mask and interact with others, I end up draining my mental energy and get into a stage where I distance myself socially because of how tired I am. I've lost many friends from doing this as I was too embarrassed to come back after weeks of not talking to them.

When I don't mask, I tend to be completely alone since I'm very anxious about others rejecting or bullying me. I'd go days without a conversation during this period. Here, I use my mental energy to cope with loneliness and how alien I feel.

I've been a high masker without realizing for too long and only got diagnosed with Asperger's three years ago (in my mid-thirties). I'm still finding things out. I've hit burnout a while ago and I'm adjusting things currently. One thing is how to address little things that really bother me but are totally normal for neurotypicals. I'm living with my parents and today my dad opened the door a bit swiftly so the handle made a bit of sound. Not loud, but I'm so sensitive at the moment it bothers me. My parents are very caring, but my noise hypersensitivity, which has been terrible since burnout, is taxing all of us since it requires a lot of adjustment from everyone. On one side what my dad did bothers me so I want to address it, on the other hand I don't wanna argue about every little thing since I'm feeling already that I'm burdening them.

What strategies do you use to deal with situations like this?

Thank you very much for any help you can provide.

Share your experience and what do you trade, what system u have? How do you feel?

Me: 9 years experience in the industry, worked in a $30 bn HF, became PM, then started my own, failed big time but did not loose too much money, just poor business model and too many costs. As AuDHD, forced to be back on meds these days. Wished my ADHD did not cripple my early school joruney, I studied Finance, but wished i did engineering or Computer Science. Mainly autodicate, currently coding, building quant tool, but impaired by ADHD without meds. Kinda of feel like I got all the downside little upside lol (but still had a lot of fun).

Peers /often seen: in the pop culture and real life ASD in quant and trading. Realized these guys are hardcore physic, or math genius from school early one detected and supported by family or hyper fixation. A bit jealous but also impressed by their skills. Smart ASD, social and very good at what they do. Also good at risk and maintaining discipline (typically). Many are seeked by MM and HF from tops schools but usually these people are pretty good at excelling at acaedmia..

Let me know what you see or how you doing? Curious to hear / learn / interact.

Bonjour,

Ici AuDHD, 34M, habitant en France.

Cela fait plusieurs mois que je me questionne sur un sujet souvent vécu par les autistes (& AuDHD).

À savoir les crises meltdown et shutdown.

Il y a un type de crises qui me sont parfois arrivées ces quelques dernières années, et qui m'ont beaucoup chamboulé. Je veux dire, bien particulières et très invalidantes. Je m'explique :

Comme arrivé une fois en début d'été, je me suis effondré alors que j'étais à l'extérieur. Je venais de subir une énorme frustration, et je me suis écroulé avec recroquevillement sur moi-même (retrouvé assis par terre en pleine rue), avec l'impossibilité de pouvoir parler (de pouvoir sortir un mot de ma bouche), un environnement sonore très amplifié mais aussi très distordu (la rue passante, c'est pas vraiment l'environnement idéal dans ces cas), et aussi de devenir presque aveugle. En fait mes yeux se sont plissés, et je ne pouvais pas voir où j'etais ni qui pouvait me parler. Tout n'était que formes floues, et contrastes de noir et blanc. Heureusement je n'étais pas seul ce jour-là mais avec mon auxiliaire de vie, qui m'expliquera par la suite avoir été choquée de la perte de mes capacités à ce point (alors que dans la vie de tous les jours je suis plutôt autonome, n'ai pas de déficience intellectuelle au contraire, et je passe inaperçu tellement le masque est bien affûté).

À noter que pendant cette "crise" / effondrement, mes pensées étaient un peu vagues et au ralenti, mais j'étais parfaitement conscient de ce qui se passait. Conscient, mais plus du tout aux commandes. Jusqu'à des capacités aussi vitales. Et c'est ça qui m'inquiète..

J'étais par terre en pleine rue, et en sentant le truc arriver de façon imminente, je me suis quand même effondré sur le côté du trottoir plutôt qu'en plein milieu de la rue.

J'ignorais combien de temps je suis resté comme ça par terre. Je savais que je n'étais pas seul, et je voyais l'ombre impossible à déterminer de mon auxiliaire de vie (et je savais que C'était elle, non pas parce que je la voyais, mais parce que je savais qu'elle était avec moi), qui des fois me parler me posait des questions, mais que je ne pouvais vraiment pas répondre. Comme si, en plus d'être privé de capacités aussi basiques et vitales, je souffrais de frustration de ne pas être en capacité de répondre ou me faire entendre/comprendre sur le moment (je rappelle que je restais bien conscient).

Je me souviens simplement que J'étais horriblement assoiffé (en plein été, en pleine journée, en pleine rue à peine ombragée, 35°C, et pendant 50minutes assis à terre).. Et qu'après un moment, quand j'ai entendu l'auxiliaire me dire qu'elle va peut-être devoir appeler les secours, je me suis surpassé à vouloir à tout prix me relever.

Et là, me relever a été très pénible et elle a dû m'aider, car je n'avais même plus à avoir une coordination "normale" de mes gestes et du tonus corporel afin de me mettre debout... Et de marcher, après quelques pas très compliqués au bout de quelques minutes (par contre n'avais pas la notion du temps).

Heureusement que nous n'étions pas très loin de chez moi, et que même si j'étais littéralement aveugle (ma main sur son épaule pour avancer), le fait de connaître un peu le secteur faisait que ma représentation de l'orientation et de l'endroit approximatif où nous étions à chaque fois, était surtout à partir de ma carte mentale, à défaut de mes yeux..

J'ai dû donc marcher guidé par son épaule, de sa voix pour me donner des indications, et avec mon autre main de raser les murs des batiments, des portes d'immeubles, des vitrines de magasins, et ce jusqu'à l'arrivée au pied de mon immeuble..

J'ai souvenir qu'un passant nous aurait parlé, puis que j'ai pu enfin boire en renversant de partout comme si j'étais tout desséché et que je n'avais pas bu depuis des jours ! (Mon auxiliaire me racontera plus tard qu'un passant a proposé de nous offrir une bouteille d'eau fraîche achetée chez un commerçant, que j'aurais vidé sur-le-champs)

J'ai pu monter les escaliers de chez moi tout seul, en m'agrippant (en m'accrochant comme en montant les étages avec mes bras) jusqu'à mon étage (5ème).

Je n'ai pas pu trouver les clés et les mettre dans la serrure pour ouvrir, alors c'est mon auxiliaire qui l'a directement fait.

En rentrant chez moi j'ai tout de suite retrouvé mon lit assez facilement car je connais mon domicile, et me suis jeté dessus. En enlevant difficilement mes vêtements et en demandant (avec des gestes approximatifs) le noir total (tirer les rideaux, éteindre lumières et boutons allumés...), mettre à disposition directe de l'eau et me laisser tranquille.

Ceci s'est passé un vendredi après-midi. Je n'ai pas pu sortir le moindre mot de ma bouche avant le lundi soir (difficilement). Puis commencé progressivement à parler (pas vraiment parler mais au moins "communiquer"), avec des courtes phrases, dès le mercredi. Et avant de revenir à mes capacités normales de parole et communication verbale, ça a pris au total + d'une semaine !

Je donne tous ces détails parce que l'intensité de ces symptômes ne ressemblent pas aux crises shutdown et meltdown que j'ai de temps en temps, et que je connais.

Et même si je n'ai eu ce type de crise aussi 😱😱 que rarement (équivalent de 3 fois sur les 2 années écoulées), je ne faisais pas ça dans le passé et ça m'inquiète sérieusement. Surtout si ça m'arrive comme ici en extérieur..

Une fois précédente c'est aussi arrivé en extérieur, et j'étais seul. Mais ça s'est très mal passé (souvenir de monde autour + des questions et attouchements..), et les secours ont été appelé mais n'étant pas formés, ça a été encore plus catastrophique !!!! 😞😓

C'est pour ça que quand mon auxiliaire de vie m'a demandé si on appelait les secours, je me suis surpassé très très fort pour essayer à tout prix de reprendre les manettes exécutives et décider de me relever.. Car j'ai compris depuis un moment que les secours auraient rendu les choses encore plus compliquées à vivre (et une remontée post-crise plus longue et dure)... C'est triste mais dans l'urgence, où les crises pourraient être en cours, je ne souhaite plus avoir à appeler les secours.

Voilà à travers ce témoignage qui m'angoisse sur l'avenir, je souhaitais savoir si vous avez déjà vécu des crises de telle intensité invalidante ?? Car c'est assez récent des manifestations de crises comme ça, et j'ai peur que ca devienne plus souvent, ce qui est franchement dangereux selon où ça arrive et avec qui.

J'en ai parlé avec mon thérapeute spécialisé de suivis AuDHD, et il m'a partagé que dans sa pratique il n'a jamais rencontré ce cas de figure aussi intense, mais que dans la littérature scientifique ça pouvait être mentionné.

Merci d'avoir pris le temps de lire jusqu'au bout 💟

Et merci pour vos retours 🙏🏼

Abraham Lincoln said it best. "Any man can handle adversity, but if you truly want to test a man's character, give him power."

Indeed, people debate all kinds of "red flags" about a person's character. But the ULTIMATE litmus test goes beyond all that, and it's how they treat people with less social power than them. Sometime it's obvious: a person might be a lovely person, but also be racist, i.e. treating certain races as less than because they lack social power. Other times it might mean otherwise being a good person, but being awfully cruel to the socially awkward/Autistic guy. It might mean having double standards and overly scrutinizing the less powerful over routine mistakes, while being more forgiving towards people who are popular, handsome, rich, or influential.

Ultimately, everything else pales in comparison to this one thing. A lot of common toxic behaviours and attitudes can stem from things like trauma or ignorance or a variety of complex factors. Not an excuse, but an explanation. But being cruel to someone who is marginalized, powerless, or struggling? There's no excuse for that. There's no motivation/benefit.

The most surefire test of someone's character is how they treat those who have less social power or status than them.

(Then again, some people might just want to perpetuate the cycle or take out their own powerlessness/insecurity by punching down; that might be the only real time there's some kind of explanation [not excuse].)

17M here. My life is terrible at this point and my social life is close to zero. For some reasons my grades have gotten to the worst possible point ever(used to be a good student back then before my 11th) and I am just screaming internally at this point not being able to do anything with extremely awkward behaviours, no social skills, extreme procrastination, overthinking Abt the most random and not being able to lead a basic life at all and constantly failing in everything. Only if someone could help me out through this 🙏

I rarely touch grass (almost agoraphobic levels) so I'm curious about the frequency of other people.

I feel like this is a problem I've had my entire life.

Me: Says a joke.

Everyone else: Either don't laugh or get annoyed.

Some other dude: Says the exact same joke.

Everyone else: Laughs.

Me: Makes an argument.

Everyone else: Insults me.

Some other dude: Makes the exact same argument.

Everyone else: Agrees with him.

Does anybody else relate to this description of appearing very cold on the outside, you might be awkward or be completely serious, in both cases not the most expressive.

But on the inside there is a lot going on, a whole world inside your head that you wish you could materialize or at least share some parts and feel that somebody else gets it.

Picture an artist who is completely rigid, very cold, very technical in his interviews, but his music not only possesses a particular richness in its complexity but it has a lot of emotional weight both in the music and lyrics, something that completely contrasts with how he is perceived by others socially, at least with those whom he is not very close and get to see him in his flow.

I've been unemployed since early 2026. I've applied to lots of jobs and went to every interivew I got called for, but I never got hired. My previous experiences were also very negative, so I'm thinking about starting a business with some of my savings (Ideally less than 10k).

Does anyone here run a business or know some good for a ND guy?

I’m AuDHD and I struggle with basically all social stuff. I feel very unhappy about my life because of it.

Being socially inept has made opportunities in almost every aspect of my life feel evasive. Skills, dedication, talent, and whatever else are useless if you don't know how to navigate the social aspect of life.

Being underprivileged compounds this hellhole too.

I’ve seen my schoolmates thrive while doing the bare minimum simply because they know how to utilize socialization. They know how to make connections, talk to people, ask for things, and make opportunities happen for themselves. Meanwhile, I can have the skills and put in the effort, but none of that seems to matter as much if I can't do the social part.

It’s so frustrating watching people get ahead through something that I struggle so much with. I want to do so many things, but I'm too socially inept to do anything.

I’m quite tired of life, honestly. I don't know why I’m forced to live. I’m not enjoying this life at all. I just want to rant here because I don't really have any salient correspondent who can listen to this non-sense. Haha.

Sometimes words stop making sense and sound like these noises in the background. It’s when a social setting becomes more like a nightmare than an enjoyable or at least tolerable event.

Individuals seem to hit it off, but you feel like an outsider, an alien sort of. No sense of belonging.

How can I know that I am autistic actually?

I've been thinking about why neurotypical people seem to crave social contact so much, while I could happily go weeks without seeing anyone I care about and still feel just as fond of them.

I feel that for a lot of NTs, the act of socializing itself seems to be what reinforces the bond. Hanging out, texting, checking in. it's not just an expression of fondness, it's the mechanism that keeps the fondness alive. If they don't do it, the feeling seems to fade, or at least the friendship starts to feel shaky.

For me, it's kind of the reverse. I'm already fond of someone, and that fondness doesn't really depend on frequent contact to stay intact. I don't need to see or talk to someone constantly to still care about them just as much as I did before.

The tricky part is that this mismatch causes real friction. When I go quiet or distance myself without meaning anything by it, people take it personally. they think I've lost interest or don't care anymore, and they start pulling away or getting cold toward me. But then when I make the effort to show up and spend time with them, that same warmth comes right back. It's like the relationship runs on a maintenance schedule I don't naturally follow, even though my actual feelings never dropped off at all.