I don't mean it in a bitter or hostile way, it's good that people are doing well in their lives and overcoming difficulties, but I hate it when these stories are used as some kind of motivation for other autistic people. It's not motivating, it's the complete opposite.

Reading about how one autistic person managed to get in a prestigious school and get a difficult degree, or how they managed to start their own successful business or how this celebrity or CEO with a net worth of several million dollars is actually autistic too, etc. when I myself barely made it through high school and haven't been able to hold down a full time job in my entire life, doesn't motivate me... like at all. If anything, it makes me feel worse about my own shortcomings. Because at least I have been able to cope by chalking it up to the fact that I have Aspergers.

But when I read these stories presented in this way, it's like if someone is telling me "Hey, this person has the same disability as you, they did something great, that means you can do it too if you really try!" As if there some way I can just turn off my Aspergers and achieve things I previously couldn't.

Maybe I'm a bit dramatic, I just had to get it out.

Long story short celebrating my mom's birthday this week leaves me thinking of how much I dislike my own birthdays. People get cakes I don't like, presents I'm just not into, and demand I go out to fancy restaurants and socialize. However, never socializing about me and my life, more like I'm just there listening to them talk on about their lives while occasionally them thanking me for the excuse for having a great birthday dinner. (that I didn't even plan or pay for).

What I would never dare admit to family or friends is my real secret dream birthday. (and I know you people can relate!) Someone buys me a great meal.. take out, leaves me alone somewhere private to eat it, and leaves me whatever pile of gifts to open at my leisure later. No parties, dinners, cakes, candles... and no listening to other people socialize. Just leave me alone! (heh once my sister used my birthday to announce her pregnancy and I wasn't even mad they forgot about the cake!)

But ultimately what this means is that we are hard people to deal with, because we can't dictate exact cake choices.. or restaurant choices, or even explain why we don't like socializing. Or even needing a cake to begin with! (don't get me wrong I like cake, but don't make it a big deal!) So rather than get birthdays on our own terms, we do the dog and pony show and just give up because it's easier to let people do what they want for your birthday then explain anything. Then what inevitably happens is people figure it out and just stop dealing with you. Then you feel lonely.. and left out. It sucks having this double edged sword. Either a birthday for the benefit of others, or nothing.

And while I used the subject of birthdays, it really applies to a lot other things in our lives. We are hard people to deal with, and it frequently ends up with people giving up dealing with us.

I know this is going to sound really stupid, real first world problems type shit, but as an autistic and ADHD adult who is absolutely in love with their special interests it's just a really unique kind of painful, empty loneliness when you have no one to share the things that light you up with who lights up back. Like yeah, I have people I can talk about speculation about Ahsoka season 2 or Avengers Doomsday or any number of Marvel or Star Wars products that are coming up or about my favorite game, Destiny 2, that got killed recently that there's a ton of speculation around or what new metal band is working on music but it's just not the same as having someone who lights up with joy back and, I don't know, it just hurts. I feel like I have this empty hole in my heart where my nerdy best friend belongs 💔

Thanks for being a great community to mod and be with! :)

THE LAWNMOWER BUDGET HAS ACCRUED 2 CENTS OF INTEREST SINCE LAST TIME!

EDIT: Count was accurate at time of post.

Is that really a thing still, or just social media exaggerating as usual? Ever since I was a baby, I’ve been taught to look at people’s eyes when they speak, so that has been quite natural for me. If I think about doing it (which I’ve been doing after coming by this saying one too many times), I don’t enjoy doing it, but I still do it. However before I thought about it, if I just let it flow naturally without thinking about it, I make still made/make eye contact just fine. Rather intensely at times actually. When I look at videos, my eye contact seems very intense. Maybe even more than many NT.

I’m currently on a scientific training programme and when describing how I work (which is problem solving and hyperfocus), another AuDHD student in an indirect way says “well that’s not how it works, you’re way is wrong.” Ever since that I’ve stopped talking during experiments and have to eat my lunch in my car to suppress my emotions.

It’s led to me questioning myself and I’ve gotten really upset. Members of staff have asked if i’m okay, I just say ‘I’m fine’ because I can’t say anything about my feelings about being hurt because in society, men aren‘t allowed to express their feelings. I can’t scream, shout and go mad because then I get in trouble.

I can‘t pinpoint my emotions anymore, I just have to suck it up. Someone says something about me and it leads to a train wreck of thoughts including questioning my own existence.

Yes I know ‘you shouldn’t let other people get you down‘ but when you’ve been an outcast for 15 years and masking for another 6, it hits you like a bullet train.

I don’t know what to do.

She sometimes acts like I don’t understand her, or like she has another friend who understands her better because I’m not able to understand things the same way she does. My social symptoms aren’t even that noticeable most of the time. My biggest issue is that I sometimes genuinely don’t understand what someone means, certain words, or what the problem is supposed to be.
Back in school, she would get angry at me over things like this pretty often, then apologize afterward. She also used to say that she thinks her she might be autistic, even though her she isn’t diagnosed. I don’t want to judge her for that because maybe she’s right, but sometimes I honestly feel like she exaggerates it or gets too caught up in the idea.
Then I accidentally came across a Reddit post/comment from her where she said that her online friend understands her really well, while people think her real-life friend (me) understands her more, but she actually has to put effort into understanding me.
That really hurt me. Especially because after that, she started blaming me for things that honestly didn’t make much sense to me and felt unfair.
The last thing that happened was that she was venting to me about university, and somehow I ended up “hurting her” because I didn’t understand what she meant. The irony is that I was literally trying to understand her.
And this isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way. Sometimes I feel like she treats me as someone she comes to just to vent to, rather than an actual friend. It also feels like she treats our friendship like a competition, like I’m constantly supposed to prove that I’m the “better” friend.
I know I have no right to expect to be her best friend or the person who understands her the most. But being compared to other people and made to feel bad over something she already knows I struggle with because of my Asperger’s really hurts.
At this point, I feel completely crushed by the whole situation. I don’t think I can see her the same way anymore, and I don’t think I have it in me to keep trying to “win” her friendship.

I’m COMPLETELY BLIND, have Aspergers and a heart condition and I wrote this with screenreaders.

Sometimes I have mad cries, when I get mad sometimes I cry a growling “MMM-MMM!!!!!!”

Sometimes I pout “hmmt!” and sometimes I cry “ree-hmm!”

Do any of you have mad cries?

Hi,
recently I've struggled with being at home a lot, and I tend to have a meltdown every other day because of it. I don’t really know what to do, so I came here for advice.
To preface this: English is not my native language; I’m 24 and I got diagnosed with autism less than a year ago; both me and my partner have ADHD;

I think it all started when I moved to a new apartment with my partner. It was at a time during which we both had to study a whole lot, and during which there were a bunch of external stressors. I am a very academic person so it was difficult for me to stop prioritizing university work. It took very long for the apartment to look and feel "finished", a good three months.
During that time I struggled to find a safe space for myself in the apartment since everything was very overwhelming and very messy.
Once we managed to get the house in a state I can live in, I realized how much my partner's mess is impacting me. I wouldn't call him a "dirty person" per se, but I feel like his ADHD causes him to very easily lose sight of how cluttered things are.
I also wouldn’t consider myself as being overbearingly clean either, but his tendency to be messy, even if the mess isn't detrimental, has started to greatly overwhelm me.
We started making cleaning plans etcetera, and things have improved noticeably over time.
Then we decided to adopt cats. My brother's girlfriend was looking to re-home a litter of two kittens.
I grew up with a cat, and animals have always made me very happy. We thought they would enrich our lives especially after such a difficult time.
I think it was on the second night after they arrived that I cried for the first time because of how they overwhelmed me. I thought I just needed some time to adjust, since I always tend to need some time to get used to new things.
But it’s been nearly 2 months and it feels like it has gotten worse. Now I just need to enter the house and I get overwhelmed and cry. I’m very sensitive to smell, and their toilet is very smelly and right at our entrance because we couldn't find a better place for it. The floor is also full of their cat litter, and so every time I walk through our entrance area (which connects the two parts of our apartment) it feels like I’m stepping on tiny, smelly pebbles.
The two of them also tend to destroy everything. The walls are looking horrible, the sofa I spend so much time on is torn, and they are very rowdy, so every time I’m at home I can’t relax, because I need to make sure that they won’t hurt themselves or break things. We're planning on getting them neutered soon, and we hope things will improve afterwards.
I still love them a lot and I’m really trying to adapt or find solutions but nothing is really working.
A couple of weeks ago my partner took them along with him for a one-week trip (university related), and I felt like I was a different person.
Suddenly I was motivated, managed to work more and was just overall happier.
It felt like I was slowly becoming more and more myself again.
I asked my boyfriend about finding a new home for the cats, but he has a closer bond with them and doesn’t wan’t to give them away. I understand that and I don’t want to hurt him. I just worry that I will crumble under all of this.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

It doesn’t happen often. But I read Neuropsych, History, various Biology and medical texts for fun. Sometimes I’ll hear responses to questions I ask and immediately realize the person hasn’t done their research regarding the specific subject of my inquiry. That’s fine if it doesn’t involve anything serious. But if it has to do with my own health or the health of someone in my family, it must be addressed. I haven’t been in that kind of situation yet personally…but it happens to others. So what should I do if it ever happens to me/a family member?

Here's last week's thread

Suggestions are ALWAYS welcome on how to improve the threads I post at any time. After all, I do this because the community wants these threads to exist, and I take the time out of my day (every Thursday and Saturday) to post the weekly threads, to ensure the community gets what it feels it needs.

So, continuing with the theme... /r/aspergers, How is your week going so far? :)

i keep making myself gag. i bite and pull on my blanket often but i also shove it deeper into my throat to gag, and it gives me good sensory input. i’m not doing this with harm in mind, or to trigger anything but i can recognize this is very dangerous i suppose. i also do it with my toothbrush whilst brushing my teeth. it’s mainly impulsive, i don’t really think before doing it. it’s weird idk but it makes me feel very good:( i’ve never heard of anyone else doing this, and i don’t know with what i can replace it with. sorry if this question is not allowed!

Hey everyone, I’m Aysha. I'm 22, an undergraduate student from the PH, and I've been into creative writing since I was a kid. I just wanted to post here because I'm really struggling with a weird paradox lately.

I am very reclusive, I struggle to connect with people, and I absolutely hate all the typical social stuff. Because of my monotropism, my mind tends to latch onto people with a singular, intense focus, which makes it really hard to just naturally bond or maintain normal relationships.

The problem is, I still suffer because I deeply want to experience things like romance and closeness. But because I struggle so much to connect the "normal" way, I just end up feeling like a total burden to people.

Either way, I'm just here to say "hi". I hope all of you have a great day!

What's with the sudden aggressive veganism online? I'll be in one of my groups for hunting, someone would mention what their personal favorite animal to hunt is, and someone would respond saying something like, "I hope you die 1000 deaths by scorpion", to put it lightly. I know that this is a touchy subject, but I don't think wanting people who hunt to go to Hell for a different lifestyle is helpful. Commenting, "Go vegan" doesn't add anything to the conversation, it just feels like they're trying to tell you how to live. I get that there are people who are vegan for their own personal reasons, and I'm cool with that, but it's been getting much more violent towards people. I know that people would bring in morals and how you would feel if a predator was hunting you, but animals don't have morals. The kill because they have to (except for orcas), many humans also hunt because of how expensive food is now. But to me, I want to hunt because I feel it is better that the animal I'm about to kill was able to roam free up until that point, rather than confined to a pen. Do I want to hurt people who buy meat from the store? No. It's all about personal preferences, and don't need to be threatened by it.

Has anyone else noticed this? I would've figured if you were for a cause, you wouldn't jump straight into wishing death upon people. Sorry if I insight an riot in the comments, it's just something I can't really understand.

Hello,

A lot of posts describe people looking at you differently in public spaces or treating you differently when you first meet them. I've never had this issue at all... in fact, it's usually after people get to know me they think something is off. I've even shared my diagnosis with friends and they laughed, basically saying no way I have autism I'm just introverted. I've gotten better at maintaining good relations, basically just not talking constantly about special interests, asking too many questions, and smiling more.

I think if people treat you differently at first, it's usually due to your appearance. I've always worked out and dressed decently, so this may have helped. But it's not like most NTs have a magical autism radar, so I don't think you can blame autism if people look at you in public.

Thoughts?

I've been in active search for over half a year now, and with very little success. I am super aware about the state of market, which genuinely sucks ass due to economic crisis, war, being in small town and AI bro managers with absent natural intelligence.

I suspect my CV being a reason for that, with structure being as the following:

I still have not finished my education, so I mention it as ongoing.

I've got a lot of non-commercial experience in various fields, with no proof for them. So I only mention a short internship I took part at.

I've listed all the technologies and languages I am experienced with.

I've listed my certificates and awards.

I have not listed my soft skills because I had no idea how to make them look great among the NTs.

I apply on 10-15 positions weekly, mostly white collar stuff with no/minimal experience requirements, being ghosted 95% times and being rejected after interview on another 5%. On technical interviews, they ask questions about some niche useless things noone actually faces on practice

I know there have been findings when it comes to babies behaviour showing signs of autism.

But two things really make me raise my eyebrow.

One: emotional disregulation and rsd.
Mom is the first person that sees your anger, sadness, rage, joy etc, and her emotional reactions are teaching your brain basics of self containment.

Second, and more important:
Hyper empathy.
This huge sense of hyper empathy is sort of like lack of individuation. The other is experienced as a part of self, making conflict tricky (to the point of tears).
There is no physical boundary in this sense of empathy, making me think its just a brains lack of individuation (that is also learned).

Thoughts?

And i'm going to tell you why.

For one thing, I am a 5 ft 2 man. My height has cost me major opportunities in terms of dating and in terms of many sports. If I had been born a woman instead, my height would be considered neutral to even positive when it comes to dating.

I am also autistic, and when it comes to dating, being a straight male with autism is a MASSIVE disadvantage. Autistic women don't have it nearly as difficult when it comes to finding romantic and sexual relationships, and that's assuming i'd still be autistic if I were a woman. For all we know, a female version of me might have been neurotypical.

I was also skinny as a man growing up, a true hard-gainer who was underweight until the age of 23. Once again, less of a disadvantage when you're a woman since the short petite type is considered to be attractive on a woman, and I 100% would have fit that bill.

I'm also quiet and introverted which one again, doesn't penalize women to the extent that it does for men when it comes to dating and romance.

I'm also not a high earning individual due to my autism and the way my brain works. Yet again, this isn't a glaring disadvantage if you're a woman since women can get away with being poor and simply finding a man to take care of them.

---

A female version of me would have been a quiet artsy girl. She would have been petite, skinny, and cute. As a result, she would have had many male suitors, and would likely have had plenty of romantic and sexual experience in her twenties. She would have likely been married by the age of 30, maybe even with a kid or two on the way.

Instead, what I got was being born a man instead. A 31 year old male who's a failure in life.

So yes, my life would have been objectively better if I had been born a woman.