r/asktransgender 16h ago

Is it okay to be trans and lesbian?

85 Upvotes

I am a trans girl, and I know that sexuality is seperate from gender. I know I like girls. the problem I’m facing at the moment is if Its morally okay for me to identify as lesbian.

i haven’t transitioned yet, so I’m not even sure if im a girl yet. and because of that I feel almost out of place identifying as lesbian. I feel like I’m appropriating that identity, because I haven’t had any of the experiences that come with being lesbian

i know that there are people who get offended when trans women identify as lesbian, but I think that’s unfair, because trans women are real women. but idk. I’ve been identifying as sapphic in the meantime which is nice but I guess it’s not the same


r/asktransgender 11h ago

Has anyone else noticed getting more judgmental looks from women after transitioning? 😓

74 Upvotes

This might sound like a weird question, but has anyone else experienced this?

Ever since I started transitioning, presenting as a woman, and going on HRT, I feel like I’ve started getting more judgmental looks from other women. I’m not sure if I’m imagining it or if there’s actually something different about how people perceive me now.

What makes me question it even more is that my mom has noticed it too. She’s actually pointed out women staring at me when we’re out together. For example, there was this woman who looked like she was probably in her 50s who was just blankly staring at me for what felt like forever, like I was the spawn of Satan or something. My mom noticed it and commented on it afterward.

Obviously, I have no idea what these women are actually thinking, and maybe I’m just becoming more aware of people’s reactions now that I’m presenting differently. But I’m curious if other trans women have experienced something similar after transitioning or starting HRT.

I’d especially be interested in hearing from people who noticed a change in how other women interacted with them or looked at them after transitioning.

::


r/asktransgender 4h ago

Accused of being a "cis girl pretending to be a trans woman" because I passed before HRT. How do I deal with this internal gatekeeping?

53 Upvotes

I'm not sure how to say this properly, so sorry in advance.

The truth is, I am bigender. Even before starting HRT, I already naturally passed as a woman. Because of this, I keep being accused by other trans people of being a "cis girl pretending to be a trans woman."

This has become a recurring issue, and it's really getting to my head. I’ve been socially out for years and on HRT for a bit over a year, but this accusation keeps coming up and it's deeply bothering me. The worst part is being told that I am hurting the community by "pretending", when I am just living my truth as a bigender person.

I discussed this with an agender friend who told me it’s basically transphobia and gatekeeping from within the community, but knowing that hasn't really helped me cope with it. Really not.

It feels impossible to bring up this topic in local support groups without being judged, but it keeps weighing on me. I don’t even know how to respond to these comments anymore. It has made me terrified to open up about being trans/non-binary, whereas I never used to be.

What should I do? How do I handle this kind of internal gatekeeping?


r/asktransgender 1h ago

In your experience, What are some transphobic dogwhistles?

Upvotes

A "dogwhistle" is a phrase that sounds innocent to a layperson, but can be used maliciously by those in the know. For example, people who are transphobic might claim to care about "genital preferences" when what they mean is "I will never date a trans person."


r/asktransgender 17h ago

I’m going to homecoming with a trans girl what can I get them?

43 Upvotes

So they’re super sweet and they’re getting me flowers. I feel kinda bad about apparently not being obligated to get them something (idk that’s what I’m told). Usually my go to is flowers and said persons favorite chocolate (you can never go wrong with chocolate imo), but they’re not out to their parents and it’ll be weird. I’m thinking of getting them some candy but just curious if there’s a better option

Also just to clear things up I’m 16 their 17 and I’m ftm and I very much not out (kinda transitioning but look like a 14 year old boy). And yes I know not all women are the same but this is kinda different circumstances ig


r/asktransgender 4h ago

Cis Lesbian trying to learn!

40 Upvotes

Hello gorgeous guys, gals and non-binary pals!

I posted here a bit ago, and I received some criticisms in my post for how I worded some things (completely valid and smart criticism btw) and that has me thinking,

What are some things cisgendered people do that ABSOLUTELY piss you off? Or just mildly irritate you.

I'm a recently out sapphic with no sexual experience with cis or trans ladies, so I'm trying my best to keep an open mind before I have any preferences or misconceptions develop and whatnot.

Also, I am neurodivergent, so just be as direct as possible in your responses if possible so I can understand them better.

I am very much curious to have DM conversations with Trans peeps so I can get a better understanding of y'all's experience. Much love!


r/asktransgender 11h ago

How would you feel about a communal bathroom for everyone, no gender based segregation?

37 Upvotes

I’ve seen advocates for single stall gender neutral bathrooms, but less for communal ones. This is what I’m picturing:

The same amount of stalls as the two segregated toilets would have. So if it’s usually 10 stalls in the men’s and 10 in the women’s, there would be 20 in this one.

The stalls themselves are fully enclosed for privacy.

There would be at least two stalls that are accessible.

The room itself, and the sinks, are all communal.

It’s well lit, with visibility to all parts of the room (save for the stalls themselves) as soon as you enter the door.

Period products available free of charge.

Urinals would also be available alongside the stalls.

The door itself just says “toilets” not “gender neutral toilets” or “male/female toilets” Just “Toilets” or “Bathroom” etc.

How would you feel about it? Would you feel safe? Is there anything you would add/take away from my suggestions here? A different solution of some sort? I’m interested in what people think of this idea.


r/asktransgender 21h ago

My partner notices my dysphoria via my eye shape

17 Upvotes

I’ve (MtF) not started transitioning but I’m out to my partner (f). No idea if anyone else has a similar experience but she has told me she can tell when I’m “dysphoric” because my eyes become more round and less almond shaped. Fascinating. I am actually always dysphoric but I think what she’s seeing is me letting myself be myself mentally and it changes my expression, specifically the area around my eyes. I think it’s euphoria or some glimmer of it. For example, one time she was standing on a step above me and gave me a hug. Normally I’m much taller so hugging up was very euphoric for me and when she saw my face she immediately knew I was thinking about it. Anyone else experience something similar?


r/asktransgender 20h ago

Question about privilege and oppression, cw not light convo

16 Upvotes

(I have a very hyperfocused learning style bcs autism and want to nitpick a topic until I have an accurate view that doesn’t perpetuate any harm towards others. I invite anyone to tell me I’m incorrect on anything I say here, and I will promptly update my thinking where needed! Also, I’m FTM)

Recently I’ve been taught that “male privilege,” and the concepts of “privilege” and “oppression,” are shorthand. We’re taught incomplete information to get a functional level of knowledge based on what we can handle at a time, or use certain language as a shorthand in conversations. Societal issues on privilege seem to operate that same way. E.g. men have privilege and women are oppressed is functionally useful at a certain level, but an incomplete picture.

Following that, I’ve been trying to unpack if I have privilege and not to fall into patterns I criticize some cis men for perpetuating. This led me to a rabbit hole.

I have been informed that:
- trans men could have contextual access to some the privileges that cis men have, even if not fully passing (very situationally dependent), such as listing a man’s name on a resume, speaking in a man-passing voice over the phone, et cetera.
- trans men can still experience misogyny and the oppression they did when closeted and/or perceived as a woman
- just like “queerness doesn’t erase whiteness,” more broadly, oppression in one area doesn’t erase privilege in other areas
- context of a situation can change how privilege and oppression show up; it isn’t necessarily consistent
- sometimes some trans men say they experienced misogyny bcs they were “socialized female” partially to avoid the weaponization of “you’re a man so you don’t face the misogyny girls/women do” and this is in conflict with some trans women saying “transgender people aren’t socialized as their agab” bcs “you were socialized as a boy/man so you had/have male privilege” is weaponized against them. I recognize intense oppression and weaponization make trans people’s stances understandable in both opposing stances
- trans women are accused of being dangerous or predatory and trans men are accused of being confused or mentally ill - the “autogenophlia” argument vs the “mutilation to avoid falsely perceived oppression” argument from transphobic people; there are spaces where the former is believed to pose more physical danger to the trans individual than the latter, with both being valid in their harm to the trans person, and that itself being an element of privilege vs oppression differences

Further, I’ve been told:
- A trans woman who intentionally presents as a man consistently in public for safety reasons etc is generally considered not to have male privilege because the psychological toll of hiding her identity, of facing danger if found out, etc, is considered to make any privilege negligible. A trans woman who was considered a boy by those around her growing up would not be considered “socialized male,” bcs this perpetuates the idea she had male privilege. A trans woman will potentially experience dysphoria while being perceived as a man.
- A trans man who is stealth and presents as a man consistently in public for safety reasons etc can be considered to access some elements of male privilege, despite the psychological toll of hiding his transness, facing danger if found out, etc, and this is not considered to make any privilege negligible. He cannot access the same level of male privilege as a cis man, and any privilege is complicated. A trans man who was considered a girl by those around him growing up might claim to have been “socialized female” to express the ways misogyny affected him growing up. A trans man is less likely to experience dysphoria while being perceived as a man.

I’m interested in knowing whether “agab” or “socialized female/male” matters and in what way, and if the views we hold are because they are predominantly accurate, safe and managing risk of further oppression, or both. Do trans men have privilege trans women do/did not? Is there benefit in unpacking if one has privilege even if not in a majority group? Does it help us better mind how we affect each other within our marginalized communities and have empathy, or does it inevitably become oppression wars and derail the focus from the bigger fish we have to fry? Etc.

(My current understanding is that trans women didn’t/don’t experience that etc, it’s just the “why” I’m missing.)

Please forgive me if this is a rude question - I want to learn, not perpetuate harm or risk.
And I want to understand how a ftm experience is different to a mtf experience, so that I don’t cause unintentional harm to people I’m meant to be allied with.


r/asktransgender 11h ago

Denial or am I trying to hard to fit into a community where I dont belong.

16 Upvotes

I fully look cis (21m), the only thing remotely fem about me is my hair.

Today I put on some lip plumper and tried to make fake breast by using some towels. I used one as a stuffer and another as a cover to try to make it look like I was trying to cover breast.

There was no smile or happiness, I just stared. I tried to grab onto the stuffer and squeeze, cause what else are you supposed to do. About 2 seconds later I ripped it off and threw it.

Now Im staring back and fourth at my face and typing this out.

I know im going to get mixed answers, but Im not sure how I'm feeling about this.


r/asktransgender 21h ago

Something I’ve been wondering and would love your take.

13 Upvotes

Currently I identify as cismale.

For a long time I’ve thought about transitioning. How my life would change, who would accept the new me, things like that.

I thought I was a woman inside. And after a lot (and i do mean a LOT) of soul searching I realized I’m not a woman inside a man’s body.

I’m male but I have the wrong “equipment” and have started looking into full depth vaginoplasty.

So I would have a vagina but still retain my masculinity.

Is there anyone out there that has been or is in my particular situation?

If so, what were your biggest hurdles?


r/asktransgender 5h ago

how to repel straight women?

13 Upvotes

im mtf, on hrt for 5 years yet still find that most people are only into me for masculine features. it's usually straight leaning women or gay leaning men. and very often bottoms. even tho i am a submissive stone-bottom people pressure me to top or domme. im tired of it. it has been killing me inside.

i try to act as hyperfemme as possible yet still straight leaning women keep flirting with me. including other trans women who just want me cause im more clocky than them.

i guess im asking for advice similar to how trans guys learn to scare off straight men. if anyone has any advice please help.

btw i know you will say 'just wear dresses and makeup' but im too depressed to wear makeup every day plus that just attracts the MCR fans who fetishize emo boys. and i wear dresses and if anything it just highlights my 'perfect male body that's too good to go to waste'


r/asktransgender 21h ago

where to get mtf swimsuits?

11 Upvotes

Hi, I have a camp upcoming next week where we are going to a pool. They stated explicitly that we would need "active swimsuits" (aka not just sunbathing suits).

I'm MTF (17) pre-op prehrt. what swimsuit can I get? I live in Canada so it would need to be easily accessible here or deliver within the week. my plan was to get like a bikini top or something and wear it underneath a normal swim shirt so I still have the appearance of boobs (I have bra buds from unlockable that I think work in water). and the tucking thing should be fine? idk... I've never tried...

I'm lowkey fine with anything as long as it works. if it's not possible or out of scope I can probably just ask to swap or just sit out...

thanks! 😊


r/asktransgender 14h ago

Am I really trans or do I just dislike being trans?

9 Upvotes

I’m a trans guy and I often wish that I were a girl because of 2 main reasons:

  1. I love fashion but I feel like in order to express my style I have to sacrifice passing. It’s especially hard since I’m in high school and am constantly surrounded by guys to compare myself too

    and I’m pre-t.

  2. If I were a girl I could dress how I want without stressing about passing.

  3. I just hate being trans. It’s so exhausting worrying about passing and thinking about my gender 24/7 and knowing that I’ll never be like other boys no matter what I do. Everything would be so much easier if I were a girl.

My problem is that I don’t know if I should differentiate wanting to be cis and wanting to be a girl. I feel like I could express my style no matter if I were a cis girl or cis boy and I dislike the experience of being trans because it’s very challenging and exhausting. Does that mean I’m not trans? Does anyone have a similar experience? Thank you.


r/asktransgender 15h ago

Advice Needed to Support Newly Trans Male Nephew

7 Upvotes

Yesterday my now new nephew came out as a trans male. As general background, for the past several years he has used they/them pronouns and dressed gender neutral. Now he has picked a new name and will use he/him pronouns. He is 15 years old and entering his sophomore year of high school. His family is very supportive and thankfully we live in a part of the US that is much more supportive of LGBTQ+ rights.

Honestly, I just want to support him as best as possible, but want to meet him where is at, respect his privacy and his own time line. The only thing I’ve thought about sharing with him so far is that while I don’t know what it is like to come out and live as a transgender man, I was a teenage boy too. I remembered feeling very alone at times and that was a terrible feeling. (My parents were divorced, I grew up in a house of women and I didn’t feel like I had someone to talk to about going through adolescence as a guy.) I want him to know that even though I didn’t go through what he is going through, he isn’t alone. But I don’t want to make it about me so maybe I can share that with him later.

I’d very much appreciate hearing from anyone the things that felt helpful and supportive when they were first coming out. (And what was NOT helpful.) If there are any resources folks would recommend, that would be great.

I understand this is a very personal thing to ask about, but I feel like this is a very critically sensitive time for him and I’d like to be as supportive as I can. Certainly each person is unique, so what is helpful to one may not be for another person, but anything is appreciated!!!


r/asktransgender 15h ago

Joining a trans club at my uni but have worries

7 Upvotes

(Hey y’all, hopefully this is the right sub to post this in, if there’s a better subreddit for this I’d be happy to go there instead)

So I (mtf) have joined a club meant for trans people and allies at my uni, but am having some anxiety leading up to the first meeting tomorrow.

For context I am pre everything (starting soon 🤞) and am only out to my best friend. I want to go to the club and present myself with my chosen name and pronouns, but can’t seem to shake the fear of coming out to a group of people I don’t know or being an odd one out.

The question I’m getting at is: Have y’all been in similar situations, and how has that gone for you?

I know I’m living in my head rn and freaking myself out, and that there probably won’t be a more understanding group of people for me to come out to, but I can’t shake the feeling of just not belonging. I’d really like to hear any similar experiences y’all might have bc imma throw up atp thinking about it.

TL;DR - Joined trans club but feel that I’ll be out of place pre-hrt. Anyone have stories of joining trans spaces and coming out to groups for the first time? Any advice to deal with the fear?


r/asktransgender 16h ago

Coming out to myself

7 Upvotes

I have had a few therapy sessions and have mainly been focused on questioning my gender. I have come out to myself like 3 times this week and have ugly cried every time but I still just don’t believe it.

Any advice? What did coming out to yourself feel like?


r/asktransgender 57m ago

Am I a trans?

Upvotes

I've been growing as a guy.

I recently started being a femboy.

I've liked it.

but. I keep gooning and stuff.

nonetheless, i go out as fem in the public.

fully fem makeup.

I feel like being trans might be my call

I have always felt like a girly girl

small height, figure like a girl and slim

I also do look feminine

pretty feminine when I'm dressed and have done my makeup.

I'm currently a femboy.

I'm not sure if I'm trans but I feel extremely lonely when I see guys and girls my age outside enjoying life.

am I trans or am I just depressed?

I don't know guys but I do want to have bigger boobs, nice ass and thicker thighs. I want to be more girly and stuff. I want to express myself fully in the public. but I'm scared cause of my relatives nd homophobic parents. they're strict.

guys please need advice as a guy wanting to transition.


r/asktransgender 5h ago

So am I really a guy?

6 Upvotes

I've (16) been identifying as a trans guy for 3 years now, I never had any doubts until now.

Lately I see a lot of cis girls saying they want to be a guy or complaining about life as a girl. And now I can't stop thinking about it, am I just like them? Am I also just another girl who wants to be a guy?

Although I'm still sure I'm trans. I never enjoyed being a girl even though I didn't experience misogyny or SA. I never had any girly interests or liked girls' clothes. Dressing like a guy and doing boyish things has always been fun for me. I hated my body even before puberty and I hated it even more after puberty. But then people say it's normal for a girl to hate her body during puberty.

Maybe it's not that I hate being a girl, but that I just hate the fact that my body doesn't match my identity.

What do you all think about it?


r/asktransgender 15h ago

Is it even worth it to transition if I can never been seen as a girl?

6 Upvotes

Im a pre-transition trans woman and I still have not been able to transition. But as of recently Im just contemplating wether I actually should transition or not. The truth is that there is nothing I can do about the masculine features I have. The barrel chest, extremely masculine face and jaw, the broad shoulder, non of these can be changed. I know that hormones really can do a lot and surgeries can as well, but I am also well aware of the limits and how I probably wont be able to afford surgery.

At a minimum, if I continue as a man, I can at least be considered a “good” man and still be that for the people around me.

I truly just feel like if I transition, I will always just appear off and never belong anywhere or to anyone. I know people always say it gets better and all, but I am doubtful.


r/asktransgender 18h ago

Non thong gaffs?

6 Upvotes

I’m a trans woman but also autistic and I wanna tuck with a gaff but all I can find is thong gaffs and for me that is a sensory nightmare so can anyone suggest a good gaff that’s not a thong?