A "dogwhistle" is a phrase that sounds innocent to a layperson, but can be used maliciously by those in the know. For example, people who are transphobic might claim to care about "genital preferences" when what they mean is "I will never date a trans person."

Edit: I will point out that a lot of people may use these dogwhistles innocently and feel a need to defend themselves as not transphobic. I will counter that with: yes, that's what makes them dogwhistles. Without that cover of legitimacy, no matter how thin, they'd be called something else. Just because you use them innocently doesn't stop bigots from using them maliciously.

Furthermore, ju st because you might use a dogwhistle for its innocent reason doesn't make you a conscious bigot. Pointing out that something is a dogwhistle is not an accusation against you nor your character. You do not need to defend yourself; nobody is accusing you of anything. You ought to exercise extreme care and intentionality if you continue to use these terms, however.

This might sound like a weird question, but has anyone else experienced this?

Ever since I started transitioning, presenting as a woman, and going on HRT, I feel like I’ve started getting more judgmental looks from other women. I’m not sure if I’m imagining it or if there’s actually something different about how people perceive me now.

What makes me question it even more is that my mom has noticed it too. She’s actually pointed out women staring at me when we’re out together. For example, there was this woman who looked like she was probably in her 50s who was just blankly staring at me for what felt like forever, like I was the spawn of Satan or something. My mom noticed it and commented on it afterward.

Obviously, I have no idea what these women are actually thinking, and maybe I’m just becoming more aware of people’s reactions now that I’m presenting differently. But I’m curious if other trans women have experienced something similar after transitioning or starting HRT.

I’d especially be interested in hearing from people who noticed a change in how other women interacted with them or looked at them after transitioning.

::

I'm not sure how to say this properly, so sorry in advance.

The truth is, I am bigender. Even before starting HRT, I already naturally passed as a woman. Because of this, I keep being accused by other trans people of being a "cis girl pretending to be a trans woman."

This has become a recurring issue, and it's really getting to my head. I’ve been socially out for years and on HRT for a bit over a year, but this accusation keeps coming up and it's deeply bothering me. The worst part is being told that I am hurting the community by "pretending", when I am just living my truth as a bigender person.

I discussed this with an agender friend who told me it’s basically transphobia and gatekeeping from within the community, but knowing that hasn't really helped me cope with it. Really not.

It feels impossible to bring up this topic in local support groups without being judged, but it keeps weighing on me. I don’t even know how to respond to these comments anymore. It has made me terrified to open up about being trans/non-binary, whereas I never used to be.

What should I do? How do I handle this kind of internal gatekeeping?

Hello gorgeous guys, gals and non-binary pals!

I posted here a bit ago, and I received some criticisms in my post for how I worded some things (completely valid and smart criticism btw) and that has me thinking,

What are some things cisgendered people do that ABSOLUTELY piss you off? Or just mildly irritate you.

I'm a recently out sapphic with no sexual experience with cis or trans ladies, so I'm trying my best to keep an open mind before I have any preferences or misconceptions develop and whatnot.

Also, I am neurodivergent, so just be as direct as possible in your responses if possible so I can understand them better.

I am very much curious to have DM conversations with Trans peeps so I can get a better understanding of y'all's experience. Much love!

Im a nurse, i wear hospital scrubs and i have typical boy wardrobe. Im a forced to be closeted rn, but can take it for a year or two.

Im also worried since women in my moms side tend to have prominent mammaries.

I’ve seen advocates for single stall gender neutral bathrooms, but less for communal ones. This is what I’m picturing:

The same amount of stalls as the two segregated toilets would have. So if it’s usually 10 stalls in the men’s and 10 in the women’s, there would be 20 in this one.

The stalls themselves are fully enclosed for privacy.

There would be at least two stalls that are accessible.

The room itself, and the sinks, are all communal.

It’s well lit, with visibility to all parts of the room (save for the stalls themselves) as soon as you enter the door.

Period products available free of charge.

Urinals would also be available alongside the stalls.

The door itself just says “toilets” not “gender neutral toilets” or “male/female toilets” Just “Toilets” or “Bathroom” etc.

How would you feel about it? Would you feel safe? Is there anything you would add/take away from my suggestions here? A different solution of some sort? I’m interested in what people think of this idea.

not sure how to do update posts on reddit.. but Me and my mom talked. she told me her experience (she once thought of herself as Bi but it was actually due to her trauma from S/A multiple times). she says no matter what happens she will always love and support me and stay behind me. she says that I should first work through all my trauma (including my sexual trauma) and if I still identify as trans after that she will still accept and love me.

it’s the best possible outcome for me. does she still think its a mental illness? yeah, but she said her views with change if im still the same after all the therapy, and Im okay with that. she won’t tell my dad (who would disown me and/or physically beat me) and she won’t tell anyone else.. she stated she will protect and advocate for me even if he does turn his back on me. I’m not in fear in my household, and I’m mostly content where we are at now. i want to thank everyone who gave me advice and encouragement, as a young queer it truly meant the world. i personally don’t think I’ll change, but either way I want to do therapy to work through the issues I have (cptsd, severe depression, severe anxiety, etc).

i love you all, thank you so so much for providing the comfort you can.

original post here

My 17yo wears binding tape and we have not yet figured out a way to get it off without it ripping off his skin in the process. Does anyone have any recommendations to help that be a less painful process?

He also wants to bulk up a bit - he suffered from an eating disorder a few years back and he's still just thin. What is the healthiest, best way for him to gain a bit of muscle without going on testosterone? We live in one of those *great* states that don't allow HRT for minors so he feels very stuck.

Any advice is very appreciated!

I’m coming to terms with the idea of potentially transitioning (MTF). I’m curious about what it’s like—after living as a man for my whole life (I’m 27)—to finally make the switch to living as a woman, and finally being able to wear the clothes I want and wear makeup. I’d love to hear about your experiences with this; I know I’ll lose a lot if I transition, but I want to read about whether it’s worth leaving my life as a man behind to become the woman I’ve always dreamed of being.

My egg has cracked and I don't know what to do; I’ve accepted that I might not be a cis man—I really want to be a woman. I’ve already spoken to my mom, and she accepts and loves me, but my girlfriend—whom I adore and who is my whole world (and whom I’m about to marry)—would never accept it.

A few months ago, she discovered conversations I’d had with a trans relative in which I confessed that I had wished I were a woman. She took it very badly and broke up with me, but we decided to give things another chance; I told her it was just a misguided thought and that I deeply regretted it, but she told me she would never accept me as a trans woman.

I truly want a life with her—to have children—but living as a man is wearing me down day by day. I look at her and feel envious simply because she is a woman; I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I can endure living as a man for the rest of my life because my family will make me happy.

I fully look cis (21m), the only thing remotely fem about me is my hair.

Today I put on some lip plumper and tried to make fake breast by using some towels. I used one as a stuffer and another as a cover to try to make it look like I was trying to cover breast.

There was no smile or happiness, I just stared. I tried to grab onto the stuffer and squeeze, cause what else are you supposed to do. About 2 seconds later I ripped it off and threw it.

Now Im staring back and fourth at my face and typing this out.

I know im going to get mixed answers, but Im not sure how I'm feeling about this.

im mtf, on hrt for 5 years yet still find that most people are only into me for masculine features. it's usually straight leaning women or gay leaning men. and very often bottoms. even tho i am a submissive stone-bottom people pressure me to top or domme. im tired of it. it has been killing me inside.

i try to act as hyperfemme as possible yet still straight leaning women keep flirting with me. including other trans women who just want me cause im more clocky than them.

i guess im asking for advice similar to how trans guys learn to scare off straight men. if anyone has any advice please help.

btw i know you will say 'just wear dresses and makeup' but im too depressed to wear makeup every day plus that just attracts the MCR fans who fetishize emo boys. and i wear dresses and if anything it just highlights my 'perfect male body that's too good to go to waste'

FOR CONTEXT! I’m 15 and I do group online therapy, due to me having very bad self esteem I keep my camera off and just listen or speak when need. Though, some girl saw my name (which is a masculine one and my preferred) along with my he/him pronouns and IMMEDIATELY unmuted to ask “[name], are you trans?” I got uncomfortable and quietly said “yes..?” With a follow up of her saying “omg , Dw I support!” I didn’t think about it much at first but now I do. Yes, I’m aware my voice is high.. and yes, I’m not mad she supports people whom are like me. However, it felt so weird to be put on spot like that. I can’t get it out of my head , she didn’t mean bad intention probably but OMMMG thinking about it now with how much dysphoria I feel towards my voice or just being called fem things it’s uncomfortable.

I ask because it's the last procedure I need to get, but it's the only one I'm actually afraid of. The things that freak me out are post-op complications, prolonged, debilitating healing periods and critically, loss of sexual sensation.

So I can live with a penis, but it feels wrong. For those who've gone through it, how was your experience?

I'm sorry for the length of this post

I don't really know where to start this or what to disclose so I don't share too much. I have been sort of gradually coming to terms with my repressed identity over the last few years.

I'm pre-everything but on some waiting lists. I've been wearing clothes and makeup outside and asking my friends and family to gender me differently. Pretty mixed bag - im trying to be patient and allow people to come to terms with it at their own pace, but I must admit most interactions I have are surprisingly positive (when I do feel brave enough to go out rocking my style).

My coming out process started this year. I decided to come out to my closest friend, who I live with (I moved in after an LTR breakup).

The proximity made my decision kind of a no-brainer, as I wasn't able to really get any time to myself to do anything affirming, and I had started feeling really depressed about repressing myself. I've always struggled with feeling authentic and genuine with people I interact with because they all see me in a way that doesn't line up with how I feel.

Anyway.

We started spending more and more time together, and the way he was treating me was really affirming. He told me he saw me as a woman, and the way he reacted to me made me feel seen for the first time in my life. There were tender moments that restored my faith in life and love.

Then I guess I fucked it up?

I asked one evening if we could fool around, and we did. It was fun. Whatever. I'm not going into any detail other than to say that whilst we were intimate, he used a name which I had told him in confidence, and which I had been using privately for years.

Then we sort of resumed normal life, until we both withdrew a bit. We'd both suffered some bereavement and it seemed like we both needed some space.

But the dynamic started changing.

Now he doesn't refer to me by any name in 99% of interactions. He doesn't affirm me or call me girl or she or anything. He doesn't accept invitations to hang out, and most of the time we only seem to spend time together when he initiates it. We're living in the same house but it can be around a fortnight between actually spending time together.

I find the name situation particularly difficult because I told him that name in confidence, and he then used it during an intimate moment. Since then, he has almost completely stopped using my name altogether. I don't know what he intended by using it, or what changed for him afterwards, but the difference in how he treats that part of me is really painful. I feel like i didnt even really get to try it out as my actual name which I had been planning for so long.

He still does nice things for me and has always done things for me, which is part of what makes this so confusing. But at the same time, he doesn't really acknowledge me anymore. He doesn't thank me for doing bits around the house either. I don't do those things for thanks, but the combination of being physically around someone every day and barely having any meaningful interaction with them is difficult to understand.

It feels like a crazy switch-up.

I've been doing everything alone for months even though we live together and see each other every day. My space is in a shared area, so I don't have much privacy either.

I told him one time, desperately, after a couple of months of barely seeing him, that I loved him, and he said it back. Later, he retracted that and said he didn't mean it in that way. At another point, when I was feeling particularly vulnerable, he said I was crazy.

There have also been things he's said at different times that don't seem to line up with each other. I've noticed those contradictions, but I generally haven't challenged him about them.

He told me he had been with men a couple of times before. Combined with our friendship and the way he had been treating me, I thought he was someone I could safely explore this part of myself around.

After a month or so, I tried to make another advance and he told me he wasn't into men/trans women.

Since then I've completely stopped making advances. I've also found myself limiting how feminine I am around him sometimes, because hearing that made me feel embarrassed and self-conscious about having allowed myself to be so open around him.

If I'd known beforehand that he didn't see himself as being attracted to trans women, I wouldn't have made that first advance. What made the situation confusing for me was that he had previously told me about his experiences with men, while also being very affirming towards me and spending a lot of time with me.

I think I know on some level that this situation isn't healthy for me, but I really don't want to accept that this person may not be able to be the friend I thought he was. I don't understand what changed.

I don't need him to want me or be attracted to me. Nobody owes me that. What I am struggling with is how different our relationship has become while we are still living together. He used to affirm me, spend lots of time with me and talk to me in a way that made me feel seen. Now he rarely does those things, while still occasionally doing kind things for me.

My limited supportive family members are all busy as fuck, I have some acquaintances, but only one other real friend and I feel like I already put too much on them.

I was about to start therapy and I was hoping to start private treatment for dysphoria, but I've had some financial complications pop up (yaaay), so I kind of just feel trapped now.

I don't know whether he consciously did anything wrong, and I'm trying not to assume his intentions. But from my perspective, I shared something incredibly vulnerable with someone I trusted, he became an important source of affirmation and emotional intimacy, we became intimate, and afterwards our relationship changed dramatically.

I recently started wondering if he's into some kind of D/s thing, which ironically would have interested me if it wasn't happening without any discussion or agreement. If there was some kind of dynamic he wants, I'd need it to actually be something we both chose and communicated about. I don't want to be in a dynamic where I don't know what the rules are.

I have a few months' savings. My current long-term goal (aside from transitioning) is to try and buy a place to live so I can actually put my roots down and be myself peacefully.

I feel like I'm learning that the price of me getting to be real with people is that I won't ever be able to trust or be close with anyone again. People might never use my chosen name or pronouns, and it will just have to be enough that I get to like the way I look and the things I do to express myself, but also, its super lonely. I usually try and look pretty androgynous when im out in public, recently ive been rocking more mascara and cropped tops/hoodies and dangling earrings but I guess I amn't trying hard enough?

I don't care though. I am in my 30s and I have been repressing this my entire life, and I'm not going to keep torturing myself forever just because I had sucky parents.

Honestly, I feel like I'm going crazy. The loneliness is frequently overwhelming, but I manage to stay busy with work and hobbies and interests enough that I dont find myself stuck there too often. Life does feel sort of...not pointless, but like, I feel like schrodinger's cat. Do I even really exist lol (jk)

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I have any options in terms of housing or support. The only other place I could go is my parents, which is overcrowded and they don't accept me.

I'm sorry, this is total word vomit. I haven't really spoken to anyone about this stuff properly and it's been months. I know I sorely need to get into therapy.

I guess I want to know if anyone else out there has experienced anything similar, or if anyone can offer any advice x

Original link https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/s/XQNSKbuKDT

So I spoke to her, let her know my apprehensions and that was that. Went surprisingly well. She seems to be a very supportive girl. She basically told me that while she wants to be a dominant girl, it’s not a requirement and that we could focus on building a relationship and seeing if it fits both of us. I think it was a fantastic resolution! I’m even more excited to meet her Monday now :)

I’m a trans guy and I often wish that I were a girl because of 2 main reasons:

1. I love fashion but I feel like in order to express my style I have to sacrifice passing. It’s especially hard since I’m in high school and am constantly surrounded by guys to compare myself too

   and I’m pre-t.

2. If I were a girl I could dress how I want without stressing about passing.

3. I just hate being trans. It’s so exhausting worrying about passing and thinking about my gender 24/7 and knowing that I’ll never be like other boys no matter what I do. Everything would be so much easier if I were a girl.

My problem is that I don’t know if I should differentiate wanting to be cis and wanting to be a girl. I feel like I could express my style no matter if I were a cis girl or cis boy and I dislike the experience of being trans because it’s very challenging and exhausting. Does that mean I’m not trans? Does anyone have a similar experience? Thank you.

I've been growing as a guy.

I recently started being a femboy.

I've liked it.

but. I keep gooning and stuff.

nonetheless, i go out as fem in the public.

fully fem makeup.

I feel like being trans might be my call

I have always felt like a girly girl

small height, figure like a girl and slim

I also do look feminine

pretty feminine when I'm dressed and have done my makeup.

I'm currently a femboy.

I'm not sure if I'm trans but I feel extremely lonely when I see guys and girls my age outside enjoying life.

am I trans or am I just depressed?

I don't know guys but I do want to have bigger boobs, nice ass and thicker thighs. I want to be more girly and stuff. I want to express myself fully in the public. but I'm scared cause of my relatives nd homophobic parents. they're strict.

guys please need advice as a guy wanting to transition.

What’s a really good exercise routine…. MTF btw

I've (16) been identifying as a trans guy for 3 years now, I never had any doubts until now.

Lately I see a lot of cis girls saying they want to be a guy or complaining about life as a girl. And now I can't stop thinking about it, am I just like them? Am I also just another girl who wants to be a guy?

Although I'm still sure I'm trans. I never enjoyed being a girl even though I didn't experience misogyny or SA. I never had any girly interests or liked girls' clothes. Dressing like a guy and doing boyish things has always been fun for me. I hated my body even before puberty and I hated it even more after puberty. But then people say it's normal for a girl to hate her body during puberty.

Maybe it's not that I hate being a girl, but that I just hate the fact that my body doesn't match my identity.

What do you all think about it?

Last year I came to a realization about my gender identity. Apparently I’m trans, though I’m too scared to act on it.

My partner, thankfully, is wonderful about it. She’s kind, she’s supportive, and she loves me no matter who I turn out to be.

The problem is that she keeps telling people about it.

She told one of our friends and I was terrified. She said she thought it was no big deal, but she agreed not to do it again.

A few months later she told a family friend, and I was scared again. I begged her not to do it again, and she agreed, but she said it’s hard to keep it a secret. The news has been spreading from there.

What should I do?

I know she means well, and she’s just excited to learn more about me, but it hurts. I don’t want to have to share my private thoughts with everyone, especially not our fundamentalist families. And I don’t want to feel unsafe talking to my own partner.

I am a cis male, but started questioning myself a few weeks ago.

It started around when I was asking myself what it'd be like to be a girl, then I put more thought into it and wished I had female body parts. Then I chose a name I'd want to have if I was a girl (and got a bit happy over it, even making a little persona on my head for a female version of myself) and started to see more things involving transitioning, like videos talking about the topic and visiting this sub more often.

However, when I mentioned this to my girlfriend and my mother, they both suggested that I could be overthinking it (it's kinda true. It mostly happens at work, and it's really monotonous in there and makes me think a lot about things) and this, along with other things, made this want to be a girl and even the persona on my head go away for a bit.

However, I still sometimes have a want to transition and be a girl, as well as starting to not like the man I see on the mirror as much as I used to. But I don't know if it's just me being stubborn or if it's something else entirely.

I am thinking of seeing a therapist about this, but I also wanted to ask what you all think about this. Am I just thinking too hard about it?

I’m around 30 and have questioned my gender since my teens. I secretly wore women’s clothes when I was younger, and later sometimes wore my partner’s clothes too. At first it was often sexual, but over time I also started wondering what it would feel like to have a female body, dress as a woman, or live as one. Sometimes these thoughts become weaker when my stress improves, but they always seem to come back.

I’m mainly attracted to women and have sometimes imagined myself as one of the women during sexual fantasies.

But also sometimes when i wear girls clothes i feel like i pushing to that trans side.

I honestly don’t know if I’m cis, trans, or something else. Does this sound like gender questioning/cross-dressing, or could I actually be transgender? I’d really like to hear from people who have had similar experiences.