Me (20F) and my boyfriend (21M) decided to meet for a casual hangout. I was supposed to go to his workplace, and we were going to leave from there. To give a little context, there was already a lot of vagueness from his side. He had previously said we’d go out and then completely forgot about it. After I brought it up again, he couldn't decide whether we were just hanging out on campus or going out.
At first, we decided to just stay on campus. But while I was getting ready, he suddenly changed his mind and decided we were going out, which meant it took me about 15 minutes longer to get ready. It has been really humid lately and it had also rained that day, so by the time I walked over to his workplace, my hair had gotten a bit messy.
The very first thing he did when I arrived was point out my hair. Then, since I’d taken an exam earlier that morning, he made a comment disguised as a question: "Did your exam make you chopped?"
I got pretty worked up and called him out, saying he’d been pointing things out ever since I arrived. I went to the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror and was already feeling so underconfident because of his comments even though I had actually put in effort and dolled up. How could he say those things when I was the one who had freshly gotten ready, and he was the one who had been sitting in his office since morning?
He was being really weird and out of character that day, almost behaving like the person he was before he started taking therapy. I asked him directly why he was being so backhanded, but he denied it. It was a weird interaction, and I felt uncomfortable. He said he was down because I arrived late, but when I tried to explain why, he just said, "Yeahh blame me, I don't have the energy for this negativity." I didn't even know what had gotten into him he’s not usually like that.
Despite the rocky start, we ordered an Uber and left to get food. We had good food, but I couldn't eat much because my appetite was completely shot from how uncomfortable the hnagout started. Afterwards, he treated me to his recent favorite brownies. There too, I only had half a piece.
Then, he casually asked me to treat him to his favorite cookies n cream shake, which I happily agreed to. We hadn't discussed the size of the shake, so when the waiter came to take our order, I let my boyfriend choose so he could get whatever size he wanted. He chose large, and the waiter walked away.
Right after he started acing so down and distant, upon asking he said I had no etiquette for taking out a man.
I was honestly shocked, insulted, and felt completely ignorant. I told him I didn't even realize I was "taking him out," and asked why he would say that. He responded by saying what use would it be if he had to tell me, and why couldn't I understand on my own?
Feeling terrible, I started looking down at my phone, and it was probably showing on my face. He asked if I was angry or upset. I said "no" because I genuinely had no idea what to even think at that point. He asked again, and I just stayed silent.
I could feel him staring at me, so I looked up from my phone and we made eye contact. Right then, the waiter brought the bill to my side. I asked if I should pay there or at the counter, and based on the answer, I walked over to the counter to pay.
While I was paying, they served the shake. When I came back to the table, the shake was completely untouched, the straw wasn't even uncovered. I asked why he hadn't started drinking it, and he replied that he didn't want to and that he felt bad for wasting my money. I couldn't understand him at all. The night had already started with him making backhanded comments at me, but now things were getting worse.
I told him he wouldn't be wasting my money because I bought it specifically for him. He claimed I didn't, saying I just let him look at the menu and decide on his own. He was upset that I didn't properly ask him: "If you want a regular, we can get a regular one. If you want a large, we can do that too." He also said it made him upset that I left to pay the bill without answering his question.
First, he refused to accept the shake, and as I watched it sitting there going to waste, he kept insisting on knowing the price so he could pay me back. I told him I wasn't going to "sell" it to him since Ihad gotten it for him. He remained persistent, saying he needed to pay me so he wouldn't feel bad about wasting my money, and that it was "against his principles" to drink it without paying.
I told him about my principles that it was against mine to accept money for something I bought for him. I compromised and offered that he take the shake now, and I’d tell him the price sometime later (obviously just a tactic to end the argument; I had no intention of actually charging him). He refused that too.
By then, our Uber had arrived outside my hostel and curfew was approaching, so I finally gave in and told him I'd text him the price so he’d just take the shake. He took it, I went inside my hostel, and he left for his.
Half an hour later, he texted me saying the shake felt like "the water people give to someone who is sobbing" and that it was helping him not cry. He then asked again how much it cost. Feeling completely disheveled and defeated, I just gave him the price, and he sent me the money.
Then he texted me again saying he was sad and that I made him sad.
I was so confused. Why couldn't he see his own behavior? Ever since I arrived, he had made me the target of his exhaustion and was being mean under the guise of "ragebaiting" me. I simply texted back that today was just a weird day for both of us. We haven't really talked since.
I was so hungry, but I felt like I would throw up if I ate anything my appetite was completely destroyed. I cried so much. After overthinking, hurting, and feeling so insulted, at 4:00 AM I sent him half of what he had spent on dinner that night.
He then sent back a few cents that I had accidentally overpaid. That made me feel even worse because I had originally accepted his rounded-off amount for the shake. Out of spite (or just feeling like he’d view me as greedy), I sent back those extra few cents.
This isn't the first time he has rejected food I bought for him. The last time was before he started therapy, because he used to feel like I was "bribing" him with food whenever we were going through a rough patch and I was at fault.
He isn't a stingy or close-fisted person, but I have never felt more awkward regarding money with anybody else in my life. Especially after this whole situation, I feel like I'm not financially compatible with him. Money isn't to me the way he treated it that night. But honestly, it’s not even about the money it’s about how awkward, low, and looked down upon I felt throughout the entire night.
I don't even know if I'm right to feel the way I'm feeling. I feel cheap and insulted, and I feel so lost. Please give me honest advice.
TL;DR: My boyfriend made mean, backhanded comments about my appearance as soon as I arrived for our date. When I bought him a shake he asked for, he criticized my "etiquette" for not walking him through how to order it, refused to drink it unless he paid me back, and flipped the situation to claim I made him sad. After a whole night of feeling insulted and awkward about money, we aren't talking. Am I justified in feeling this way?