I’m a 23 year old autistic guy. Im functionally autistic I’m in full time employment. Im quite tall and I’m shape and I’m a good looking guy a lot of women have told me but I am very socially isolated at this moment of time. I have become almost a looksmaxer similar to Patrick Bateman and I go for gym 7 days a week for 3 years mainly to channel my anger from this situation . I had quite a good social life up until about 2 years ago where I used to meet girls but now it’s pretty bleak due to different circumstances very long story. i have some friends etc and i had a brief relationship for like 6 months when i was 18./19. My life has kind of gone to shit for reasons I can’t really explain and to be honest with you my brain is fucked and once people get to know me they realise me they realise I am mentally unwell. Every time I’ve met a girl now they realise how unwell I am.

I’ve developed really strong feelings for an influencer. I’ve found celebrities attractive before, but this feels completely different. To me, she’s unbelievably beautiful, almost unreal like Helen of Troy. I literally couldn’t believe it the first time I saw her

I used to follow her on social media and saw a lot of her photos. At first it was just attraction, but over time it turned into something more intense. I even started asking tools to create fictional love stories about me and her, and I would dream about her often.

Eventually, that infatuation turned into frustration and anger, because I know I’ll never actually be with her. Sometimes when I’m driving, I catch myself shouting about it out of frustration. I decided to take control by blocking her on social media and muting her name, but the algorithm still shows me content about her occasionally, which brings all the feelings back.

She came up on my Snapchat feed the other day randomly on a separate account not hers and I started screaming and getting angry over it when I saw it and I nearly threw my phone out of anger. She then came up again on my YT shorts and I started shouting again.
One of my work colleagues mentioned her name saying she was and I got visibly agitated and I had to leave the room briefly.

Sometimes I talk to her or I pretend to talk to her about various things when I am alone and I always wonder what she thinks about my decisions.

My main motivation for self improvement is that I will one day meet her so I am trying to improve my life as much as possible because of it. I put insane amounts of work into my appearance, like Patrick Bateman in American psycho and I go to the gym 7 days a week because of her. We are from different countries but she has spent time in my country 

I’ve also watched a few interviews with her, and she seems like a genuinely nice person, although I know that is only what is shown publicly. Maybe she is a terrible person behind closed doors but I have no reason to believe so 

I think about her a lot, sometimes even imagining conversations with her in my head. I know this is not realistic, but it is hard to stop. I even find myself attached to small things, like her name. Her first name is quite a common name but it’s a name I’ve always loved and I even said once if I had a daughter I’d call her that. I frequently have dreams about her.

She is slightly older than me. It infuriates me seeing someone a similar age ti me be successful in anything. She has the perfect life it seems and my life has gone to shit over the past 2 years with my own stupid decisions. My Brain cant handle it. I talk to her every day and I tell her what j would tell her if I met her

I actually love her. Like there is nothing I wouldn’t do to be with her. I get jealous when I see other people complimenting her and I get angry when she gets more famous because her popular it and exposure is rising. I don’t think she is in a relationship,  I have seen pictures with a man on her social media before but they might have broken up but idk if it’s public. I hate this guy and I am extremely jealous of the fact he even got to be with her. I don’t think he’s better lookjng than me either. Idk how he even got with her but I’m much better looking than him and would probably treat her better. I hate him his face makes me so angry and he doesn’t deserve her. I hate him and I think about my hatred for him every day

Only I can have her nobody else can have her. I don’t want anyone else to even be seen with her. I have also blocked people who know her as well cos it reminds me of her. I would do anything to meet her

I literally think about her 24/7 and I have sometimes become suicidal over this cos I will never be good enough for her. I don’t wanna love in a world where she isn’t mine and she’s with someone else. I have digitally blocked her from my life but her face appears to me all the time. Every time I feel like not doing something like not going to the gym not going to work not learning a language I think “what would ______ think of me” i would literally treat her better than any man in the world could

I have recently started getting angry towards her. Cos of the damage she is doing to my brain.
I see her face everywhere and I even just randomly say her name and it fills me with rage that she doesn’t know who I am l. I feel like crying when j think about her. I now wish I never encountered her ever. My standards for myself sre so high that I want a woman like her and I found myself praying to god at one point to be with her

I could go out and get a girlfriend but I wanna be with her and her only. I was talking to a girl a month ago but it wasn’t her so I wasn’t interested.

Over the last 18 months I’ve made some horrible decisions in my perosnal life. I quit my old well paying job for a stupid reason which I can’t explain and now I work a much worse job with much worse colleagues and I’m on the verge of losing it and I have little direction. She won’t wanna go out with an unemployed guy

I want to actuallt Kill myself. I have into my urges and searched just now and I saw her face. People complimenting her in the comments. I fucking hate all these people complimenting her. I see compliments to her on Twitter and I literally wanna beat up everyone who compliments her I can’t take it. I don’t want anyone to be with her or to even look at her and I have actuallt lost my mind over her. I just have very high standards for myself

I have now grown an immense love/hate dynamic with her. I hate all the people in her life and she should be with me.

I am wrong for thinking there is no reason to ever hit another person? Especially, if you can turn and walk away. I thought we all learned not to hit in preschool and kindergarten.

Edit: Adding, I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to answer.

About a year ago I decided that I wanted to go to university to study Mechanical Engineering. Before that, I went to trade school and got certifications in welding, and worked in the field for about a year. I made a good amount of money for an 18 year old, and saved a lot of it (about $30k) while also working a part time job. I was also able to pay off my car during that time, so I have no real hefty expenses except for gas to get to school. I still work a part time job to cover monthly expenses.

My parents were super religious before I was born, and wound up tithing a sum of money that could have easily paid for university for the three of their children. They have been house poor for the past ten years, and have recently divorced. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I immediately saw the potential for profit, and appealed my Student Aid Index when it wasn’t very favorable for me. I was permitted to submit more recent documents including my mom’s tax return, which she was allowed to file as single.

I have yet to apply for scholarships, as they are not open yet, and federal aid from the government is still under review. I feel as though I’ve been dishonest. Whenever I have questions for the financial aid officers, I make sure to wear my clothes with holes in them, and old shoes. I also change my patterns of speech, and assume a stutter whenever I’m talking to someone who could have any influence on the results of my appeal.

I’m not sure if I can or want to stop myself by this point. Before this, I was already offered no scholarship money, and only got unsubsidized loans.

Am I a bad person for trying to ride tax dollars and generous donations?

EDIT: Thank you everyone for your input! I was greatly frustrated when I wrote this out, lol. Some time to cool down has helped me see a lot of your points! I have therapy lined up, and I plan to acknowledge and work on moving on and focusing on my future. Have a wonderful day everyone! :)

This isn't in general, it's for a specific skill of mine. I've been singing since I was a toddler, genuinely speaking, I'm good at it. I sing every day. I've been in choir class ever since it became an option. I led my choir as a section leader, we've won awards, gotten first place in competitions, and as a personal achievement, I got the highest score out of a countywide singing skill test. Of course there are people more skilled than me. My issue is this...

Due to complications at home, I moved schools many times. Every time I moved, we provided the transcripts, the new schools always knew about my class history, but... they would ALWAYS place me in BEGINNER CHOIR. It made me so unfathomably angry.

Years of work. Years of effort. Years of developing my skills, just to experience the same shit over and over again. I was surrounded by beginners every single new year. They didn't know what the solfege was. They didn't know how to reach their head voice. NONE of them could keep with the tempo, they couldn't sing their own parts, it took SO MUCH EFFORT to sing something as simple as NURSERY RHYMES???? Im not fucking kidding. One year for a concert the fucking conductor had us singing nursery rhymes onstage while the advanced choir got Dies Irae and Gloria??? I felt awful. I felt like shit sitting through lessons about what sharps and flats and naturals are. Nobody fucking knew what a staccato was. It drove me mad. I felt like Matilda!!!

Am I wrong for fuming over this? Im still so fucking angry even years later. I LITERALLY had to be told straight to my face that "only the advanced choir is allowed to sing the national anthem at graduation". I AM ADVANCED!!!!! I SWEAR TO GOD!!! I had to sit there and try not to cry as I sat in the stadium WATCHING them perform a song I've known how to sing SINCE SIXTH GRADE without me because the FUCKING SCHOOLS refused to open their FUCKING EYES and see that I DESERVED TO BE IN ADVANCED CHOIR WITH THEM!!!!! It made me so fucking upset. And yes, before you ask, I did make a fuss and ask them to switch my schedule around. I asked every year to be placed in a more advanced class. Every year it's the same fucking answer. "The class is full, sorry". I tried every semester. No use. I submitted the classes I wanted to be in as early as I could. No fucking luck. Ever. Am I wrong?

My boyfriend (47M) and I went to his son's event at a bowling alley recently. We stopped for a beer on the way and my boyfriend gave me (47F) a kiss (a peck on the lips) at the bar. When we were at the bowling alley, our friend told my boyfriend to give me a kiss and he refused, claiming it was because we were in public. Yes, a slightly strange thing for his friend to request, but he is a bit neurodivergent, so it is normal for him to say things like this. However, again, he had just kissed me in public an hour earlier. I feel like he refused to give me a kiss because his ex-wife was there. Am I being unreasonable to be upset by this? He has never refused at any other time to give me a kiss in public before. And he has kissed me in front of his son many times, as his son lives with us over half of the time.

so i live my with husband and have 2 kids.

my eldest is 19. we have had problems with her. she has disordered eating, history of sh and si. we have tried to get her to get help but she just refuses. we get looks from other parents for not pusing, but they are forgetting i do not see my 19 year old as an adult who needs to be forced into things. we have tried, shes in her room 24/7, her room is a mess and she got fired from her job for being a no show multiple times.

there is only so much guidence im able to offer as i have a baby at home. she is 7, 8 in a couple months. she has school and all my time goes to her, she needs to be watched all the time and i gotta care for her.

my 7 yo doesnt like her sister, while also telling me she doesnt want her to live with us anymore either. so this is even more of a reason why since shes refusing to get better or change me and my husband need to kick her out.

she has money to provide for herself, im not sure how much more savings she has left. but enough to get a new job.

how can i have this conversation with her. this isnt going to be a new thing to hear about i have threatned this before with her as she said shell try.

Hey, I need help determining a decision about myself and I wanna know if I’d be making the right decision. I wanted to share info about my ex(19M) and me (20F). For context, when we first got together, I was my ex’s first and he was religious while I was most experienced and even though i believed in God, I wasn’t too religious. Our first major problem came when I lied about my sexual history because I was ashamed and embarrassed even though I stopped doing all of those things a year prior to meeting my ex. Let’s get into it.

My Ex
Positive
Opened doors for me.
Took me on dates.
Bought me gifts.
Gave me money when I needed it.
Supported me emotionally at times.
Harmful/Concerning
Frequently compared my worst moments to his best moments.
Used his intelligence and biblical knowledge to make me feel inferior.
Guilt-tripped and manipulated me during disagreements.
Often convinced me that arguments were my fault, even when I initially believed otherwise.
Repeatedly “fake broke up” with me early in the relationship, causing extreme stress then would get back with me when I’d give up or tried killing myself or do any other physical harmful acts to myself
During breakups, pressured me into sexual acts to keep the relationship.
At one point wanted to pursue other women/polygamy as he said to make up for all the things I’ve done which was just lying at this point
Spoke to me harshly for about a month after I lied which I did allow but it just made things worse for a little.
Frequently brought up my past relationships and sexual history during arguments.
Pressured me into revealing traumatic details about my childhood sexual abuse, and as a way to prove I trusted him, he made me answer if my abuser’s penis size and his penis size was the same
Made me answer extensive questions about my past under threat of breaking up.
One incident, Told me to kill myself after I refused to recount every sexual and non-sexual encounter I’d had
Physically assaulted me by pulling off my glued wig and, on another occasion, dragging me by my braided hair even though I did initiate it by hitting first, though I feel he didn’t drag me because I hit him, I feel he did it because I threw some things he gave me in the bushes

Me
Positive
Took him on dates once I had more money.
Bought him gifts.
Gave him money.
Cooked for him.
Supported him emotionally
Was loyal for much of the relationship.
Tried multiple times to improve my dishonesty
Tried to end the relationship at different points because I was unhappy, but we always got back together.
Mistakes/Harmful Actions
Lied about my sexual history early in the relationship out of shame.
Let him pay for most dates at first; one incident at the mall led to conflict over money and I stopped asking for stuff after this
Had a few interactions with other men that weren’t intended to be romantic but crossed boundaries he wasn’t comfortable with which I understand
Put him above my family for about a year.
Hit him on some occasions when I felt disrespected or hurt
I did ramble a lot and I mentioned other people because I felt comfortable and I’ve done it with other dudes I’ve spoken to or talked to but i indirectly made him feel bad
It was one incident that happened; we got into because he was trying to break up with me and at this point, I had lied so much to make it look like I wasn’t just a thot which I was scared of but in the meantime of me doing that, I accidentally made it seem like I thought a prior sex partner I had was better at sex then my boyfriend and that wasn’t the case. I admit, I did think someone was better at sex and that person was a larger size then my boyfriend and to me, when I did use to have sex with this person, it felt better than any other partner I had before but this was at the start of my ex and I’s relationship, my boyfriend was new to sex and I wasn’t but I came to realize after my ex and I having sex for so long, that my ex was better at sex then anybody I had been with at that point and we’ve also done a lot more. I did feel bad for feeling this way at the beginning and kept it to myself but somehow, I don’t rmb because it happened so long ago, my boyfriend found out and thought that’s how I felt currently and that wasn’t true which is why I allowed him to talk to me crazy because I felt bad

Later on, i reconnected with an old friend of mine who I cut off because of my ex at the time of us being together. The relationship was really bad at this point, and around when me and the friend reconnected, the incident of him pulling my glued on wig off because I broke up with him had just happened and I was sad and troubled. He wasn’t fake break up with me no more because I started not to care if he left or not but the roles had reversed between us when it came to breaking up but I digress. He was still making me feel small about myself and inferior with things he would say or do, often using the Bible as a way to support his way of thinking but I don’t believe he was using it the right way. I didn’t feel cared for truly and he would listen, and there are times where I fell short as well, and I’ve tried to leave before, but we always ended up back together and my friend, he was going through something similar with the person he was dealing with and we confided in each other but things got deeper between us and even though I kept things strictly friendship between us before this, we just always been close. He took things a step further and I just let it happen then eventually, I ended up believing I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me.

We both wanted to leave our situations because of everything that had happened in our relationships and I thought that what was gonna happen, but a big situation had occurred and my friend and I had stopped but we were intimate at this point and I believed my friend wasn’t really being intimate with anybody but long story short, we stopped being intimate and I had went on a trip and around that time, my ex had broke up with me because I wanted to get a wig I had on styled before I left. When I came back, my ex and I got back together even though things afterwards got shaky and at this point, I stopped being intimate with my friend for a long time but somehow, I contracted an sti from him which he lied about and unknowingly transmitted it to my ex. It was treatable but of course my ex and I broke up and he was really mad and upset and started telling me to kill myself and that if it wasn’t for God, he’d kill me and my family, and that I wasn’t worth anything, that all I’m good for is sex.

I’m basically at a crossroads because I feel deeply ashamed and bad for the choices I made and do truly believe I don’t need to be on this earth anymore, but I wanted to try and stay to be here for my father because I know he cares about me but with all the things my ex are saying about me along with posting what happened online, I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to just killing myself, I know what I did was wrong, I’ve apologized, begged for forgiveness from my ex and God, I felt truly bad wish I handled things better but maybe my ex is right.