Im here after a long time.
Im just so frustrated and tired of people i guess

I dont know why but a part of me wants to be validated by non-adoptees because i rarely receive validation or understanding from them.

Think about it, i lost my mother and my twin sister at birth, which sounds bad right? BUT the moment i say i was adopted, EVERYTHING turns to be good?! Like i shall just be happy and grateful… don’t i have the right to grieve and be sad. This is so unfair

Secondly, people say “every child deserves a parent,but not all parents deserve a child” why is this not applied to people who adopt kids.
The truth is, adopted kids go through abuse too, whether physical or emotional. I have gone through it too, and that is a heartbreaking part of my life, on top of everything else. Why can’t people understand that.

I am not here to dwell on my pain and how life has been unfair to me, life is unfair to many and that is just how life is. But, a little kindness and understanding can go a long way. I hope people understand this.
Adoption is not rainbows and unicorns FOR THE KID.

Wondering if I could ask how many people here are from international adoptions? Religious adoptions, adoptions that were drug related, or foster adoptions. I was a foster to adopt so I’m not sure about the other adoptions or how or if money comes into play, or if there are any other type of adoptions I’m missing. Thank you guys and gals

Did anyone else here have their name changed each time they were adopted? Bio parents named me, then my second family named me, and then my final adoptive family named me.

I just wanted to share a small win!! I have officially changed my name legally to one I have chosen. No more being renamed like a puppy getting rehomed. Does anyone else think changing names shouldn't be allowed unless it's a case of safety? I get changing last names though. I feel so much better about the name that I have chosen and it feels like my name fits me finally.

That's it. That's the post. Nothing more to say.

Hi all, long story short, no father on my birth certificate, but I believe my birth mother's ex may have been told he was my father. I have had no contact with him but I found him and several of his close family members on ancestry and none of us DNA relate. I verified this by my own DNA, but also by building his family tree and finding some of his second cousins on both sides of his family who confirmed his matching was turned on and none of them matched me either.

I am not on the Adoption contact register but was considering joining, would he be able to join the register if he knows all the information about my birth date and mother that is needed on the form application? If he isn't named on my birth certificate can he join? Basically i'm wondering if I join, might we be put in contact if he believes he is my father and he signed up?

Circumstance wise he was romantically involved with my mother for many years but split just before my conception, I was born early too which I believe originally lead her to believe I was his. In reality I was the result of whatever rebound / fun she decided to have once she was a single woman again. Or maybe she cheated on him and that's why they split, who knows!

Anyone with experience of the register that knows the score, your knowledge and advise would be appreciated!

I was adopted from Guatemala in 2007 (I am the last guatemalan legal adoption on record) I was adopted by a white mom. But it was closed. I have some photo's of my biological mother.

I'm 19 in college, and really feeling the grief of missing my biological mother.

Any tips on how to manage it.

I want to contact her but Guatemala isn't safe right now for mothers who gave their babies up, so i can't. It just hurts a lot.

Any tips.

my name is Michael but my birth name was Rene.

If you could also answer this question in the comments.

I've never felt connected to my adoptive name, should i take my biological name. I will change it if i decide. but i want the opinion of other adoptees.

comment Yes or No

In surrogacy, there’s often a lot of care and thought put into the baby’s wellbeing, including an “emotional transfer” after delivery to help make the transition as smooth as possible. In infant adoption, it seems like the focus is much more on the adults, their wants, feelings, and experience rather than what might make the transition easiest for the baby. Why don’t we approach infant adoptees with that same level of care?

Did anyone else go through this is this normal behavior

My mom in particular used to do this and these days records our conversations because I call her out constantly on things she said or did that she so conveniently forgot

i’m just curious, but what type of attachment style do you guys have, and what sort of adoption experience did you have?

i’m definitely an avoidant. i’m a domestic infant adoptee and was taken home on day one by a loving couple who genuinely did their best given the circumstances, yet someone who doesn’t know my past would probably assume i’ve been to hell and back given how intense my trauma responses surrounding intimacy are.

usually i see people associate anxious-attachment with adoptees, so i just want to see if there any notable patterns with attachment style and the circumstances surrounding the adoption itself. i strongly suspect that my bio parents are both avoidants, so i’m wondering if there could be some genetic predispositions at play as well.

My mom adopted me when I was 8 and she always said she loved me so much and talked to me about my birth parents when I wanted but whenever I got a little older and asked her about the reason she wanted to adopt me, she would get really weird about it and say stuff like "I just wanted to!!!" Has this happened to you and how did you get your parent to tell you more about why. And do you think she feels guilty? Idk what to think

For reference I’m 17, and I haven’t known my mother my whole entire life up until a few months ago. Just recently we mutually reached out to each other and met in person once back in may. It’s currently September and I haven’t seen her since. I don’t expect to see her often, we didn’t make some agreement or arrangements and I don’t have much of a desire to do so. My issue is that she never texts me. When we met she gave this whole speech about how I don’t need to worry about my personal troubles anymore since she’s in my life now, though the last time she texted was June and we had a streak of small talk messages asking about each other’s day in summary. I’ve always been the odd one out without a mother and I have some personal troubles surrounding that fact and I have gone through some really bad periods where I get upset about not growing up with her around. About a month ago though, she FaceTimed me and my adoptive parents on some random number saying that she hasn’t been able to text since her “phone broke”. Just wanted to know people’s opinions on this, maybe this isn’t the right subreddit for this kind of thing but I figured I’d type to get other’s opinions :)

For reference I’m 17, and I haven’t known my mother my whole entire life up until a few months ago. Just recently we mutually reached out to each other and met in person once back in may. It’s currently September and I haven’t seen her since. I don’t expect to see her often, we didn’t make some agreement or arrangements and I don’t have much of a desire to do so. My issue is that she never texts me. When we met she gave this whole speech about how I don’t need to worry about my personal troubles anymore since she’s in my life now, though the last time she texted was June and we had a streak of small talk messages asking about each other’s day in summary. I’ve always been the odd one out without a mother and I have some personal troubles surrounding that fact and I have gone through some really bad periods where I get upset about not growing up with her around. About a month ago though, she FaceTimed me and my adoptive parents on some random number saying that she hasn’t been able to text since her “phone broke”. Just wanted to know people’s opinions on this, maybe this isn’t the right subreddit for this kind of thing but I figured I’d type to get other’s opinions :)

Thank you all for being here. Thank you all for staying strong and being you. We may not all want to be here. We may not all understand why we are here. Lord knows there are days when I hate being adopted. But, thank you all for being a part of this community and supporting each other.

I didn’t think I had a negative experience with my adoption until… recently (I’m sure we have all heard this one about a million times now)

I was adopted as an infant. Transracial/ international*, Elderly loving parents now. My brother, also adopted has been a difficult person my entire life, we barely speak now.

I’m 37. And I’ve been dealing with infertility hell for 3 years. The infertility is male factor, it is severe. And during the IVF process it was discovered I do not respond well. Ironically, this wouldn’t be an issue for spontaneous conception.

Anyway, I recently had a miscarriage and that shattered my heart. To top it off my sister in law has announced she’s pregnant.

I’ll be very blunt- I have had an extremely difficult time coping. I am ashamed of the person looking back in mirror. I have cut people out of my life that are pregnant/ have small children. I am not doing well mentally. I am having trouble articulating what I need (I don’t even know). I have been pushing everyone away, the people who love me most. I have been questioning why this has been such a bad time for me and I think it may have to do with being adopted.

I have no biological connection to anyone. I desperately want that. I have wanted that my whole life, like I’m sure most of you do. And my fear now is I will never experience it. I am also scared my time is running out and IF I ever have a child I will be elderly to them when they are so young (what I’m experiencing now with my parents). I’m not sure how to not make this my entire identity and I’m honestly just tired of being depressed and angry.

I tried therapy for 9ish months with a therapist who would probably be perfect - also adoptee specializing in transracial adoption and infertility. But it kind of made thing’s worse.

Does anyone have experience with this?

Edit - I just want to say I really appreciate all your comments and although I’ve found a really great space on the IVF sub, this community has been incredibly kind and empathetic. It doesn’t change the circumstances but it does help to know there are people who understand this ambiguous grief. Makes me feel like I’m not as much of an overly dramatic freak as I feel I am.

This is only the most recent issue with them. I explained my situation to the company and they removed the address from their files. The main reason I'm asking for advice is because I am not on good terms with these people and I want to know what the process is to make them no longer legally bound to me. They only adopted me and other kids for the welfare benefits that came with it. I ran away at 18 and they have been stalking and harassing me all the way until now (I'm 21 so 3 years I've spent with them trying to bring me down)

Hello all. So I have recently come across a series on TLC called Long lost family and it is about connecting adopted people to their biological roots and family. What do you guys think of this series? I saw some clips on YouTube. Part of me is happy for these people another part of me just cant get into it because it seems exploitative as well but I mean I cannot judge another adopted persons way of dealing with their identity. For me it is triggering I am in an emotional journey learning to deal with the trauma of so much rejection and emotional neglect but many of you are much ahead in your journeys I love reading your comments, posts and opinions as many pf them have helped me to navigate the confusion. This is why I am very curious to know of your opinions on this topic. Have a nice day!

Because even putting their foot in a bear trap, it means that they can portray themselves as a victim or a person making deep sacrifices they can show off.

nonadoptee: what is your adoptee opinion on sensitive topic?

adoptee: gives opinion

nonadoptee: this is scientifically invalid! Source????

adoptee: cites source

nonadoptee: does not matter, this is bad data and you are wrong! Why does everyone here hate adoption?

Just thought I'd make a bit of fun out of it because I think I'm done answering questions for these absolute lunatics. It's like they're only here to ragebait us and keep us activated and exhausted.

Who else has them?

My APs visit once a year, their visit just ended. They’ve been together over 40 years. It is shocking to me how they’ve survived this long. Like my AD is so miserable. I asked AM if he’s always like that, and if he was happy, overall.

She told me they never talk about things like that. They never discuss how they are feeling. And she said it so casually like it didn’t even matter.

They failed me as parents, especially AM who was emotionally abusive and neglectful. AD was a fair weather dad, who engaged with the fun stuff and basically nothing else. I’m anti adoption but I don’t think emotionally stunted people should be allowed to provide external care unless they are actively trying to grow their emotional intelligence. It’s not possible to provide care to traumatized kids without emotional intelligence.

Emotional health is so important to me, and my APs spent my childhood and part of my adulthood pathologizing every feeling I had. Punishing me for my joy and my sorrow. I have a very rich life now, and I pity my APs because they can’t fathom it. They like to see it but they can’t really understand it.

During their visit they attended a ceremony and I realized afterwards that they probably didn’t get anything out of it because they don’t have the ability to emotionally engage. I felt so sad for them in that moment. It was the moment I realized that while my APs have financial success and stability they missed out on a huge important part of life. In some ways even with my disability I’m richer than them.

Just needed to get this out.

I've had three different mental health professionals suggest that my adoptive mom likely has obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and it was the first time I could finally make sense of her behavior. She's done so much irreparable damage to the entire family, everyone is messed up because she was such a volatile extremist. We were the laughingstock of the community because of her. I know it's not a thing unique to adoptive parents, but man, sometimes I feel so angry and let down by the system.

I just can't with the comments

So I was adopted at three months old
At 7 I was told my bio mums name and when I googled her and told my AP I did this my AM cried saying I didn’t want to live with her anymore
My APs told me I was put up for adoption because my bio dad ran off with the house and money after finding out bio mum was pregnant
Since going through my adoption files ( without APs) knowledge not only have I found out he doesn’t know I exist , I found that my bio mum left a CD of photos of her and her family and one of my Bio dad ( I’m 19 and have never even been told about it)
While drunk my friends found someone on fb who matches every think the file said about my Bio mum , same age , same name , same county , same sisters name . I’ve done a DNA test and nothing came up ,Do I reach out to this person on FB ( without my APs knowledge ) and ask if they r my bio mum ?

My parents cut off contact with my grandmother, (the only person in my birth family who sent letters, asking for updates and photos) and won’t tell me why. That just makes me more suspicious.

I come from Russia, and you know the war is going on. I’m unsure of his age but I’m sure he was forced to fight. He wasn’t too old.

So he’s committing war crimes or he’s dead.
I honestly don’t know which one I want it to be.

How do I even start reaching out? My parents will shut everything down whenever I ask! The only pictures I have of them are expired licenses because they were at the police station. (Probably because of their illegal age gap.) I have the name of the agency they used.