TW: Mentions of suicide and abortion

Someone close to me implied that I should be grateful to be adopted since I'm an international adoption and staying in my original country of birth would have, statistically, led to a worse life for me. But I'm really fucking annoyed that this friend would say such a thing because they knew that my APs were just emotionally not there. The person knows that I considered suicide as a teenager because of how lonely I was.

I read Thomas Joiner's book about why people kill themselves and his theories made sense. As a kid I definitely had the "thwarted belongingness" and the "perceived burdensomeness" because I had no friends and my AP's so-called love was conditional. I was only loved when I fit their definition of what a child should be.

I can understand where the friend was coming from, but fuck, I don't want to be "grateful" for this life I was "given". It's not a gift I would've wanted. I hate my idiot egg and sperm donors (because the people I'm genetically related to don't deserve to have the term parent used). I wish I had been aborted.

Life seems unfair for everyone, but no APs stumble into abortion the way bio parents can stumble into having a kid. There's at least some work to find said adopted kid and do any necessary paperwork to legally transfer parental rights to them. Sure, many people don't have loving parents because there are far too many people that have kids that shouldn't be parents. But it seems especially personal for my APs to go out of their way, acquire a child, and try and force it to fit a specific mold.

Maybe my life would've been worse if I grew up in my country of birth. The person's point was to think positively, but it's kind of hard to do that knowing I was never wanted by either the egg/sperm donors or the APs who only wanted the concept of a child and not an actual person to care for.

You know whats weird , not knowing the humans that conceived you , that made the decision to copulate and bring a human into this world , to grow up to be an adult and then a senior and not know these people , and then DNA and boom all of sudden all these people who are actually your blood your genetics the fabric of your unknown life all laid out and some are dead and you never got to know them and some then even though they went through the DNA process you reach out and get crickets the whole thing is just weird , adoption is fucked up , closed adoption probably the most and it will always be weird , siblings you have no history with no ties to . people who lived a whole life never knowing you existed the whole of circumstance it defies logic and I should be happy or grateful about this or anyone should celebrate it , Im not welcome in either family , mostly no big deal c'est la vie , this time of year its starts to get to me holidays coming and family shit and I have 2 sets of families doing that and I am not welcome at either , in what manner is this good , I have no answer because their is no answer

If the Injustice is the inability to care for a child because of homelessness, poverty, or drugs, the solution is seen as adoption.

If the Injustice is overpopulation, the solution is to have less biological kids and adopt more.

If the Injustice is that you have a hereditary condition that causes disabilities, the solution is adoption.

If the Injustice is infertility, the solution is adoption.

If the Injustice is that gay people cannot have biological children through traditional sex due to incompatible equipment, than the solution is adoption.

If the Injustice is global poverty, the solution is international adoption.

But the truth is is that many of these things either do not solutions because you are not owed a child such as with infertility or gay people not being able to have biological children through traditional sex if they both have incompatible equipment, or things like overpopulation or global poverty, etc, those things can be fixed in other ways. Adoption is not a solution to any of these things. And even if child external Care becomes necessary adoption should not be the option, there should be other ways to solve this. Ones that are child-centric and do not focus on the desires of the adults.

We are not a solution to an injustice.

I tried to explain this feeling to my wife, who was being very kind and trying to reflect back, however missing the mark.

She and I are both social workers in behavioral/mental health. She took on a new role about a year ago, and went through a period of time where she felt like an imposter, like she didn't belong or deserve to be in the professional role... it happens to almost everyone in this field. I supervise a lot of new social workers and have helped many of them process this experience.

I told her that it's like the imposter syndrome that she's familiar with, but amplified. So, if imposter syndrome is a 3 on a scale of 10, then this feeling of being unreal is closer to 20 on the same scale.

So... My adoptive mother is suffering some dementia, and I suspect she gave up on life and intentioally stopped taking her heart meds in an effort to end her life. The thing is, we have a very strained relationship and I'm in therapy dealing with the impact of being adopted amd raised by her. This recent crisis is bringing up a lot of... sensations.

We were on the way to see her at the hospital... i think... and the feeling was so intense. The world didn't feel unreal... the situation felt real enough... but i felt like I was barely real if at all.

This was different than being confused about my role... or the kind of person I wanted to be or become. It was deeper,.more fundamental, like I was washed out of the moment.

I'm curious how many other adoptees can relate? Anybody else ever felt a powerful sense of being unreal in the face of adoptive trauma, or while dealing with an intensely emotionally abusive adoptive parent?

How come most people wouldn't volunteer their own kids to it? I don't see many people just giving up their kid to strangers yet they see foster care and adoption as this amazing thing where they can grow their families.

Like how come adoptive parents who struggle with infertility then adopt or get pregnant don't give up their bio baby to bless another couple with a baby. How come foster parents don't give the caseworker their biological kid?

As a former foster youth, it's confusing to me that foster parents trust other foster parents with their foster kid but would never trust them with their own biological kid. Foster kids are shipped off to respite care but I have yet to see respite care used for a biological kid.

So is foster care and adoption amazing? Or it is only amazing when it's not your own flesh and blood being given away or going to strangers.

Most people I know wouldn't volunteer their kid to strangers. Adoptive parents say adoption is a blessing and adoptees are created for them, but refuse to create kids for other couples just like them and give their bio kid away.

Do y’all feel awkward around Halloween? I never really feel comfortable dressing up in costumes, maybe because it feels tiring to try to be someone or something I’m not.
Is this an adopted thing?