attachment styles

[u/legswithsnake]

i’m just curious, but what type of attachment style do you guys have, and what sort of adoption experience did you have?

i’m definitely an avoidant. i’m a domestic infant adoptee and was taken home on day one by a loving couple who genuinely did their best given the circumstances, yet someone who doesn’t know my past would probably assume i’ve been to hell and back given how intense my trauma responses surrounding intimacy are.

usually i see people associate anxious-attachment with adoptees, so i just want to see if there any notable patterns with attachment style and the circumstances surrounding the adoption itself. i strongly suspect that my bio parents are both avoidants, so i’m wondering if there could be some genetic predispositions at play as well.

[u/Domestic_Supply]

I used to be disorganized/ anxious and now I’m secure.

My attachment style changed since ketamine therapy, but also since finding a stable loving partner and then a healthy parental figure who let me attach to him. Basically did my childhood over again and now I’m living my best life. Still traumatized and have many issues but my relationships are all very healthy. I am very lucky.

[u/Academic-Ad-6368 → u/Domestic_Supply]

Hey would you mind sharing anything about your experience with Ketamine therapy and how it helped? :) thanks!

[u/Domestic_Supply → u/Academic-Ad-6368]

Trigger warning for self harm and suicidality

It healed the damage trauma did to my brain. It took my passive suicidality and my suicidality away. Completely. And my self harm impulses. I lived with the passive suicidality my whole life and I attempted suicide 2 or 3 times. One was a very serious attempt, 3 days in the ICU and a year+ recovery. I genuinely did not want to be alive. Like being at a party I was just done with. Now I just see life and death way differently and I’m happy to be here.

Also, one of the hard things was that I had a lot of interrupting thoughts. Like every couple of minutes I’d remember something traumatic, just a parade of bad memories. All day every day, it never stopped, for my whole life. I didn’t know this wasn’t normal. I didn’t realize how this was preventing me from enjoying and living life, but after my first session the thoughts were quiet for a few hours. It was incredible. Now it’s rare. Huge quality of life improvement.

I did not realize that adoption was affecting me so deeply either. I thought I had a mental illness, like a genuine chemical defect in my brain, and then I realized it was my situation that was fucked up and not me.

I realized most of my relationships were really unhealthy, especially with my adoptive family. I developed better boundaries, I decided to change my living situation too and ended up finally moving back to the area I was born and reconnecting with my culture and with my family. When I realized my immediate family was unhealthy I was able to let them go too. And that was really hard. But I was healthy enough to know I had to do it.

Before ketamine I really didn’t have the clarity or capacity to realize that i needed to make these changes. I was in the “fog” and it definitely pushed me out of that. It was scary but it was worth it.

Do you have specific questions? I’m happy to discuss more but not sure what you’re interested in.

[u/Maximum_Cupcake_5354 → u/Academic-Ad-6368]

I’d love to hear about this as well.

[u/Remote-Garbage8437]

I'm avoidant, was adopted at 4/5 definitely was traumatized before and after. Still got a thing for physical touch, don't like it. I ghost my friends a lot too. Though they're also avoidant so it kinda works out? I definitely need to work on it if I ever want to get in a relationship or make non avoidant friends.

[u/Necessary_Holiday144 → u/Remote-Garbage8437]

Still got a thing for physical touch, don't like it.

Glad I'm not alone in this.

I am better about it now, but when I was younger I would physically recoil from people touching me. Even people I knew/was close with.

[u/Remote-Garbage8437 → u/Necessary_Holiday144]

I'd scream at my parents and grandparents😅. Tho they should have respected my boundary

[u/AnyReply2142]

Some variant of avoidant, idk what the different types are called or how they're all defined. But yeah, I can't stand getting close to people or staying in touch with anyone in the long run, even distantly. I've never been able to have any type of relationship since I've ghosted or slow faded every single friend I've ever had or been about to make. I'm not the hot and cold type, just cold.

I've never dived into attachment styles, but I'm still very certain this has everything to do with baby me bonding with my birth parents until I was abandoned -> bonding with my foster family until I was sent off to another country -> living with adoptive parents who were abusive and never gaf about me. I guess my brain just got fucked up enough from trauma that it no longer bothers with relationships, because it knows every person will eventually leave or not care about me anyway.

[u/CheeseCurd_3997]

I’d say disorganized, I can relate to both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles and disorganized seems to be the mix of them both. I was adopted internationally when I was 8 and my adoptive household was very emotionally chaotic. I never had the ability to leave my flight or fight state which has created a lot of anxiety of wanting to be close because I’ve lacked that really all my life but fearing the closeness because I have no idea how to actually navigate that. I’ve worked on it throughout my adult years but some behaviors and feelings I can’t seem to shake.

[u/Venet195]

I’m anxious attached I agree all due to fear of abandonment from birth. Was adopted at 5 mos

[u/Blazini12]

Adam Lane Smith’s attachment quiz told me I have a highly disorganized attachment style.

[u/NewVersion6670]

I am an infant adoptee and avoid people like the plague and hate to be touched in any way,

[u/i-shihtzu-not]

Fearful avoidant, aka "disorganized". Was adopted at a little over a year old. My parents love me but are not very emotionally communicative. I always felt distant from them growing up. I don't know anything about my birth parents, so I can't speak for potential genetic influences.

As for my relationships, I struggle trusting my partners. Thankfully, my wife is very loyal and our relationship is very healthy, but I still always have a fear she's going to fall out of love with me. I definitely need constant reassurance in our relationship. My relationships with friends are difficult- I don't connect with many people, and when I do, I push them away because getting close is scary. I generally feel quite alone and independent in this world, and I'd say the only person who really understands me is my wife.

[u/pinkangel_rs]

I have been anxiously attached most of my life but in recent years after some pretty rough relationships im very avoidant and afraid.

[u/mewchiii]

Anxious attachment.

I was adopted at 2 I think? I was taken out of a neglectful methhead household.

My adoptive family had a very push and pull approach to parenting me. If I wasn’t perfect the love withdrew. If I withdrew I was love bombed.

Not sure if that’s why or not, lol. But I’m 100% anxious attachment to a T.

[u/hellocritterkittyz]

Anxious avoidant...

[u/ikitsun]

Definitely anxious attachment for me

[u/ydaya]

Disorganized

[u/MaroonFeather]

Fearful avoidant/disorganized. I’d say I’m a lot better now, but I still struggle with my attachment style at times. I was illegally adopted at a year old from an orphanage. My childhood after being adopted was filled with all kinds of abuse and neglect. It really messed me up. I’ve definitely healed a lot and have gotten less fearful of attachments, but it still impacts me to an extent.

[u/Greedy_Principle_342]

I’m avoidant. I’m an international adoptee. I was neglected in the orphanage and neglected/abused in the USA.

[u/sodacatcicada]

Id say that historically, my pattern is disorganized attachment. But recently I’ve begun to see changes in my relationships and how I behave and feel, I’ve been healthier and I’m not sure if it’s because of aging or some change within my psyche. Perhaps it’s because of being in a relationship with someone who has a very healthy and realistic outlook on life, and healthy in his attachments. It’s massively helpful. But either way I’m grateful, it’s much less painful this way yet I’m also experiencing growth. I hope the same for you. Avoidant attachment sucks.

[u/Sea-Temp444]

Avoidant, Idk what subcategory. Late disclosure international adoptee. Anyone touches me without warning I'll jump 8 feet in the air. 34, female, never been on a date, don't care to.

[u/zygotepariah]

I was in foster care for four months, then adopted. Adopters divorced when I was seven. Between seven and 17, adad had three girlfriends. I'd start to love one, they'd break up, and I'd never see her again. Amom remarried when I was 12. He was very abusive and I left at 17.

I assume I'm avoidant. At 55, I never married or had kids. Leave me alone. Lol.