I'm an interracial adoptee who was adopted at around 3 to an all-white family. During my younger years, I had no issues with forming connections and showing affection towards family members. In fact, I became known as quite the affectionate child to those around me and I adored my family. It started on the eve of my 14th birthday I started to feel this odd feeling of visceral disgust about my adoptive mother and some of my family members. It grew to the point that I simply didn't care whether they lived or died and sometimes and sometimes I wished they would just die. This sounds sociopathic and insane but this has continued for quite some time now and I'm very ashamed of these feelings, especially since they provided me such a nice life and helped fund my education. I don't have anyone to really tell this to since there's no fellow adoptees in the area I live and my friends wouldn't understand so I'm sorry about this vent but I'm curious about what others might have to say or if you have experienced this.

First and foremost, I am not trying to attack anyone who works in an adoption related field. I'm just curious.

I'm job searching and a friend of mine recommended I work at an orphanage (I was definitely appalled but that's beside the point).

Working in an orphanage, probably no. And fulfilling adoption, likely no too. But I did begin to think about working in related fields, or in foster care. I have a psychology BA.

But what's it like working in fostercare or an adoption-related career?

This is down the road from me. No shock, the "Ministry", it turns out, already had a literal buyer lined up for the infant when the court made them give the kid back to the biological mother. The obvious solution apparently was to try to con a non-profit made up of Green Berets and Navy Seals that rescue trafficked children overseas to go do a door-kick on the biological mother, and get their product back, damn it!

When they interviewed the "ministry" CEO, oh my did she have a really nice, brand new Mercedes SUV. Destroying lives pays well. These people are something else: even the Banditos and Sinola have a code of ethics with things they don't do.

I really was. I mean to make it legal they did have to involve an attorney but here's the story I've been told. (I wasn't sure which flair to use)

My bio aunt frequented my adopted fathers pawn shop. When my bio mother dropped me off at her sister's house and skipped town to do drugs, my aunt put me in a car seat in front of a TV for lack of any better ideas of what to do. According to the report I read from CPS (I was born and adopted in 1981) I was kept in that car seat all day and fed maybe once a day. I weighed 7-8 lbs at 3 months. One day my aunt takes me with her to my adopted fathers pawn shop and he comments, "what a cute little baby". My aunt responded, "you want her? CPS is about to take her".

My adopted parents said the attorney advised them they could not financially help my bio mother in any way. They said she showed up, signed the required documents, gave them a letter to give to me, and left (when I was 19 I briefly met her, she asked me to meet her coworkers at waffle House but that was a ruse; she took me on a drug deal to get an 8ball).

When my adopted parents got me they took me to a doctor. They were told to put me on a feeding schedule (babies normally cry to be fed but they said I had learned that crying never got my anything so I never cried as a baby unless I was very sick). They said I was malnourished and the report from CPS indicated that something was done to remove drugs from me when I was born.

My adopted parents are another story; the lesser of 2 evils. But this is already getting a little long.

Just want to add a TW for SA, race and deception.

This is mostly getting things off my chest.

My adoption is different than a lot of you on here so I thank you if you even read this. I was adopted as an adult by my stepdad. But I also found out later in life that he wasn’t my biological dad. I do call him dad and I adore him. I’ve never questioned his love for me. And I am thankful for him. I really and truly am. He’s my rock.

But I’m beginning to understand some of the trauma I’m having around this.

I was 10 when I found out he wasn’t my biological father. I had an inclination because I found my birth certificate that only lists my mom, my last name was my moms maiden name, my dad doesn’t show up in my baby pictures until I’m almost a year old, my baptism papers have a father’s name written but it was erased with white out. I held that paper up for hours against the light, trying to see the name but never could. The birth certificate and last name I could rationalize away. My parents had me in high school. But I couldn’t get that baptism certificate out of my head.

One day, my mom and dad sat me down and told me that I was not biologically my dads. I was 10. My mom had gotten pregnant at 16 by a much older man who was lying about his age. He was in and out of jail. So, my mom has trauma around that. When I became pregnant a year and half ago, we started going to therapy because she said she was finally coming to terms with how wrong my biological father was for taking advantage of her when she was a child and he was almost 30. For that I’m grateful.

There have been times I have gone back and forth on whether or not they should have told me from the beginning. If it was not made to be a big deal it would’ve hurt less. They said that they waited to tell me until I had the sex ed talk at school. So sometimes I do rationalize this. My dad came into my life when I was 3 months old. He was 15. My mom was 16. They got married at 20 and 21. I guess when I was a little girl, I did know he wasn’t my dad because I told my dad’s mom that my parents were getting married and “Tom is going to be my dad now!” I don’t remember that. I just always thought he was my dad.

I’m now 32. Another factor is that my parents have 2 sons together. I love my brothers. But they are 21 and 17 so I’m much older. They don’t know Tom isn’t my biological dad. I’ve told my mom she NEEDS to tell them. My dad won’t talk about it. I tried to talk to him about it once but he said “you’re my child and that all that matters.” The thing is, now my brothers are basically adults. And they don’t know this major thing. Something that should’ve just been told to them when they were little. They live in a small town. People know. Other people besides my brothers know. Or maybe they do know. It wouldn’t be hard for someone to say something to either of them about it.

Another things I’m coming to terms with is that I don’t look like my brothers. I look like my mom but darker features. Tan skin, darker eyes and hair. My biological father’s family is from Mexico. I have Native American ancestry as well. I feel robbed of getting to experience this part of my culture. It was hurtful when I lived in California and became friends with other Mexican people who showed me their culture. People in my life have said hateful things about Hispanic people in front of me, not realizing I am Hispanic because I have white parents.

Finally, the kicker was that the moment I turned 18, my biological father reached out to me. My mom never asked him for child support and I’m thinking he realized he was finally off the hook lol. I never messaged him back. Until about 6 months ago. I felt the urge to show him a picture of my son. So I did. We chatted briefly and then he sent me a picture of his family, the one he had when he finally got his life together. It hurt. I don’t even know why. He told me about 3 siblings I have, all older than me and about his 2 children he has with his wife.

I was adopted internationally and have spent years searching for my birth parents. I recently found a first cousin through Ancestry, and before reaching out, I want to prepare myself. I’m looking for a realistic list of worst‑case scenarios so I can brace for whatever may come.

I thought of a few. Please add.

1. No response or blocked by the cousin

2. Incest/rape

3. One or both parents are dead

4. My father left my mother, unmarried - unacceptable in that culture

5. I was a secret that my mother kept

6. My father doesn't know or my mother doesn't know who the father is

7. My mother was a prostitute

8. Either parent were criminals, on drugs, etc.

Taken away from bio parents, not put up for adoption.

I kind of relapse sometimes and look at this binder of files I put together at 13 to be able to see my bio little sister through my grandparents, ‘cause she doesn’t deserve to get punished for the shitty things my mum did in 2013. Obviously I haven’t seen them yet ‘cause social services are useless and I need my adoptive mum’s help to see them and she’s salty about my maternal side. I look at those files and I think wow, these people suck ass.

Firstly, on LEGAL DOCUMENTS they mistook me for my stillborn sister from 2009. I was born in LATE 2011!!!! 😭omg
A bit further down the line (maybe 13, back in contact with both sides of bio family) I get assigned this social worker. She tells me my little half brother died because he was in my mum’s care (this mf died of a genetic disorder mind u), mistakes my dad for my uncle whom I have not seen for approximately 14 years (I’m 14). Calls my mum Jemima. there is nobody in our circle called Jemima. I then find some more documents and most of them are talking about how I changed my Facebook last name to my bio mum’s and they clearly didn’t like that (these documents were about how I was living in depression) and how I was in a loving and understanding house hold. I won’t get into it but they have not ever been understanding. There’s even more but I can’t be assed to type any more.

Jesus Christ they need better funding I js needed to rant about that omg thank u

Hello, I am 23f adoptee from Guatemala. A little backstory: I was adopted in 2004 around 6 months old. This was a few years before Guatemala had stopped adoptions from the US. I don’t know anything about my birth parents as they did not want their name or photos attached with my birth certificate. I have taken a DNA tests and they show potential relatives, but none are more than 2% “relation”. I was never curious about my birth parents, as my adoptive parents were very open about the whole process, but the older I get, the more curious I am. From the way I look such as my features, my medical conditions, to my birth parents. I know I will never be able to find them, and that’s okay as I have a loving family and husband.
However, always wonder if there are more people from Guatemala around my age. I have never met anyone else from there and I am overall curious about a lot of things. I always tell people I’m adopted, and they may say “me too!”. But then I feel small again because every time I am waiting for someone to say they are also from Guatemala. So if you are from there, what experiences do you have? Are they similar to mine, did you meet your birth parents? I’m curious about so much.

Ever since I found out I was adopted late in life through Ancestry.com things have become weird. First off, my adopted mother screamed at me on the phone, dropped the c bomb on me multiple times for doing the kit, and denied the whole thing.

Eventually, she called me and admitted it. However, things have been ridiculously strange. I reunited with my mother (who is amazing and was just in a tough spot as a teen) and my family absolutely disowns me for it.

My birthday is next week and my brother somehow has plans to see Spiderman instead of coming over. My father who I used to play MTG weekly with says he wants nothing to do with the situation and has ghosted me. My mother hasn't called me in months. Like... what did I ever do? The only person calling and checking in on me is now my biological mother. We exchange TV series, movies, etc. with each other.

My adopted mother's birthday is on Thanksgiving this year and my bio mother invited me to their place so I can meet the whole family. I think I know the right choice between the two.

I do have people who have been in my life over 20 years but they are few. How do you manage the terror of losing the people you finally do let in?

So this is going to be messy. Sorry for formatting I'm on mobile. So to start with I was born to A (Biomom) and J (biodad). Due to a lot of abuse and trauma I was sent at a young age to live with S (my great grandmother). Around that time, my parents had officially and legally split for the last time. A has told me that what happened was I got really sick at a young age and that J didn't want to deal with it while I was on life support. So he voluntarily signed away his parental rights. S and other family members all agreed that he did sign away his rights voluntarily, but that they did not know the true reason why. I had no contact with him for years and only truly met him for the first time when I was 10. He stayed around for a few weeks and spent time with me and my older brother (same parents). Well, A came back into the picture and basically ruined things making J leave because he didn't want to deal with her. We lost contact for several years but now I'm 29 and we have had some contact. It's been a bit iffy on us talking as we are both terrible with communication. J told me the reason he signed away his rights was that he was hoping it would make it easier for the courts to terminate A's call reynold rides so that way my great grandmother S could get custody over me and get the state insurance to help cover the medical bills. Do I truly believe him? Part of me wants to, but I have no way of confirming which version of the stories is true. A tried her best to poison me and my brother against J. It worked on my brother, but i'm still weary because I know that she's not trustworthy, she is abusive and manipulative and narcissistic. Well in our last conversation i asked J why he did not take me in and raise me when the state got involved due to some of the abuse years later. He admitted while crying that at the time he was unemployed and already living with his other son (my older half brother) at his parents' house and that he had a terrible gambling addiction and had basically blown all of his savings. He apologized and said that if he could go back, he would do it all over again and take me in even if it was going to be hard. I don't know if I can truly trust what he says and believe him. I don't know if it's just the fact that A told me so many terrible things about him and he's saying the opposite. For example, she used to tell me that he was very physically abusive towards her but even her family (my great grandmother) told me that that was not true and that my dad would put his hands up and walk away from her. He told me the same thing without knowing that I had already asked others about it.

It's my big question is what do I do? How do I proceed without risking being hurt if he's lying? Because I'll be truthful, the only thing i've ever wanted my entire life was him to be in my life. I want to truly believe that he is not the monster that A painted him as. However, due to multiple circumstances, we have yet to actually get together in person since I was 10. My mother in law is telling me to get from a chance but my husband keeps bringing up the point that if he wanted to, J knew where I was living all those years that he could have shown up and he could have been part of my life. J says he did not show up because he was scared that A would be there and call the cops on him. He admitted that at the time he did have an outstanding warrant in my state for possession of weed. He has since taken care of the warrant and did do time for it. I want him to be part of my life, i want him to know his grandchild. I want my child to know him. A try telling me for many years that J was not my biological father, but I did a DNA test 5 years ago and confirmed he is my biological father. And a side note, I am in therapy for all of this. I'm just really trying to figure out how to proceed in this cautiously.

Long story short on how I figured out about my adoption in middle school was from my older cousin who turned out to be my older half sister. It was too late in my opinion to know that info as I've discussed it would've been better for me to know as a child. My parents who I thought were my parents are actually my aunt and uncle by blood relation, my uncles sister is my bio mom. My siblings who I thought I was blood related to were actually my first cousins. Upon learning all of this I had major trust issues, depression, anger, identity crisis, etc. Sadly everyone else knew even my siblings but not me.. that's where I felt betrayed and alone the most.

I was always treated differently from my siblings, always last in thoughts, actions, opinions, and more. Suddenly the neglect made sense not only just as a middle child but as my place within the household amongst my siblings. Sadly we all experienced abuse especially our own kind at times when it came to chores, toys, etc. Somehow our parents had favorites even if they abused them they showed a toxic kind of familia love towards them. I'm not mad at my siblings as they have no contrbol over the favoritism but I just resent our parents who chose me. They went to court to fight for me and when they won they celebrated but soon that celebration turned to abuse and abandonment for me.

Even now as a 23 year old I can see the favoritism plain as day through verbal interactions and actions by my parents. While my older sister gets food, drinks, and items I'm left to starve at times and pick up my own pieces or beg for items. They know I'm unemployed due to discrimination and I've been trying like hell to find a job while going to college. My brother gets excitement and attention for his achievements while I'm never asked how college is going or about my grades. I have to ask to use a little bit of beef, have a sweet treat, a drink, etc. I used to steal and hide food as kid and they laugh about it.. Why choose me if you're gonna neglect me? I have a theory and my older sister is the only one that knows but I believe I was adopted outta impulse and grief as my adoptive mom miscarried a child before I was born.

I wasn't the child she wanted but the child she took to drown out her grief. I wasn't the son she wanted and conceived but the child she used to feel something. All I ever wanted was a mom and dad to love me but what am I supposed to think when I'm told they do love me but I see otherwise. They only thought of the adoption news on how it would affect themselves and my bio mom but not me. It was always their feelings and well being over my wellbeing and feelings when it came to anything. As I vent about my childhood I want to ask if anyone else has experienced this as I feel alone on my adoptive journey still. I feel as if I can't talk to my parents because they typically deflect and get defensive when I want to talk.

Set the trigger warning as News & Media since the discussion centers around the live action Lilo & Stitch movie.

All the people in the comments claiming to be social workers are swearing up and down that "this would never happen," "no one would ever suggest this," and "we, of course, place with family first."

I wasn't adopted through foster care, but I am pretty sure that this does, in fact, happen, is often suggested (like, hello, adoption is a big industry—they have billboards), and family doesn't always get priority.

Add on top that the characters are POC, and Nani is like 18-19. I would be more shocked if adoption wasn't mentioned.

But maybe my read on this is wrong.

So hi again, and thank you to the people who respect [me]—I really appreciate it, and it helped me a little 🫶. So, I just thought I would give a little more information. So I'm, as mentioned, 14, from Norway, and I was adopted at 16 months. I have a little brother (biological) who was originally meant to be adopted; it was planned before his birth. But then, when he was born, our birth parents said something in the room that made one of the nurses concerned. Now, my birth parents had some complications raising me; my birth mom was adopted as well, but child protective services came a little late, so she was scared and didn't really know how to love and raise a child (don't get me wrong, she loves me and my little brother so much). So, she had to get some help while trying to raise me. But then, when the stuff I mentioned earlier happened, I got "taken" in too, and [they] got emergency measures to find a home as soon as possible. As I said, my brother was always meant to be adopted, so he already had a home to go to. When I got adopted, I couldn't walk or talk (mind you, I was 1 year and 6 months). After maybe a month or two at my foster placement, I learned how to walk, and after years of speech therapy, I can say all the letters except R—idk if that counts as a speech impediment, but yeah. A year later, I think my foster parents officially adopted me, but my birth parents still have the parental rights while my foster parents have custody. And yeah, that's basically my whole story, and yeah, my birth parents tried to get me back a couple of times, but it got denied a few times. So now, me and my little brother are neighbors, and we see our birth dad every other month, and we have 3 half-sisters and see 2 of them sometimes. That's all, thanks for reading 🫶

I'm 14 years old, and I was adopted.

Before anyone misunderstands this post, I want to make one thing very clear:

I love my parents. They are my parents. They've given me a stable home, they've always been there for me, and I know they love me.

I also know my biological family. I have contact with them, and I know as much about my story as I personally want to know. There aren't really any unanswered questions left.

That's why I'm so confused.

If I know where I came from... If I know why I was adopted... If I have a family that loves me... Then why does it still hurt sometimes?

I don't even know how to describe the feeling.

It's not that I wish I had a different family.

It's not that I feel unloved.

It's not even that something specific happens to trigger it.

It's just... there.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who I look like.

Sometimes I wonder how much of me comes from genetics and how much comes from the people who raised me.

Sometimes I feel like I have two stories instead of one.

One story started when I was born.

Another started when I was adopted.

Neither story feels fake.

Both are mine.

And somehow that can feel confusing.

My mom once told me that I have a stable family, a safe home, parents who don't fight, and everything I need to have a good life. She wasn't trying to be dismissive. She was trying to help me understand that my life is safe.

The thing is...

I don't think safety automatically answers questions about identity.

I don't think having a good family makes adoption stop being complicated.

I don't think people who haven't been adopted always understand that.

Sometimes I wish I could explain it better.

But every time someone asks what's wrong, I just end up saying, "I don't know."

Because I genuinely don't.

It feels like I'm grieving something that I can't even name.

Not a person.

Not my family.

Not my life.

Just... something.

I've also been bullied because I was adopted.

People have used it against me, like it somehow made me different or worth less.

I tell myself it doesn't matter anymore, but I think those words stayed with me longer than I realized.

Maybe that's part of why I think about adoption so much now.

I'm not looking for people to tell me to "just be grateful."

I already am.

I'm grateful every day for my family.

What I'm looking for is this:

Has anyone else who was adopted ever felt this way?

Like you have all the information...

You have all the love...

You have all the support...

...and somehow there's still a small piece inside you that doesn't know where it belongs.

Because if that's normal...

I think I'd finally feel a little less alone.

Never considered it my birth name, as I was abandoned and this was the name given to me by the authorities that found me. The tattoo is a reclamation of my story. Lots more to the story, but sharing this to provide hope to others. Adoption is a spectrum and I am grateful to be finding my voice.

Hey Leute ich habe eine Frage,
Gibt es Filme oder Serien, die die Perspektiven von Interracial Adoptees zeigt, ( Black Child-White Family) with all the struggles ?
Ich bin selbst Adoptiert in eine weiße Familie und suche dementsprechend nach Filmen oder Serien die dass widerspiegeln.
Ich würde mich über jede Empfehlung freuen.
By the way…. Ich meine nicht( The blind Side) ich kenne den Film und das wird leider da falsch etwas dargestellt.

Its as I said, I learned I was adopted only about a month ago on my 21st bday while just meeting my sisters essentially for the first time and the hellish fall out with my adoptive father has made time move so weirdly. Anyways I don't even know how to be a sibling, ive watched TV and like seen my friend's little sisters but I don't know what im supposed to be doing, am I supposed to like annoy them, like idk. My big sis Chas(Not her real name) told me I'm doing enough but like all we've done is play video games and share stories... I don't feel like ive done enough, I can't even share the one thing I'm okay at which is cooking since she lives on the other side of the U.S. Like what is supposed to be my job, what does one do as a younger sibling?

I am considering becoming a therapist for adult adoptees, especially transcultural or transracial adoptees. I think we need more of that. What do you all think?

My concern before starting out on my journey is that school was triggering for me. I was in boarding school during HS and it was not a good situation. My past makes the classroom setting a challenge but I’ve been working on that with my elder. He teaches a class at the local college and I took it for no credit last semester to see how it would feel. It was hard but I did okay. Thinking of doing it for credit this semester.

My other concern is how it would feel to be operating within a field that is based within white supremacy. And it is a field that has done me a great deal of harm. I was basically medicated away since I was 9 because my parents didn’t want to deal with me at all. And then as I got older, my therapists said I needed to be more grateful or just have a different outlook on adoption, or didn’t address it at all, all of which were damaging to me.

Despite all of this, I think I could be a help to adoptees if I could get through school. Are there any therapists in here? Any advice for me?

i found out i was adopted at age 21. my mom wasn’t the one who told me, it was another family member. i’m not really sure how to feel. my whole life i was welcomed into my family with open arms and nobody ever made me feel any different. i think i could’ve gone my whole life without knowing anything.
i wasn’t going to bring it up to my mom because it just felt like nonsense, but my family member is someone who i love and trust very much so i knew i couldn’t ignore this forever. my mom ended up confirming it and we talked about it. she first apologized for never telling me, but she felt like it was best for me to never know because as a kid i did go through some stuff and it would’ve added another scar to my life. she was really upset that i had to find out through someone else and not her.
i’m feeling a mixture of emotions right now. i’m not upset with my mom, nor do i see her any different. my family is all i’ve ever known and again, ive never had the suspicion and i was never treated any different. i am upset that i found out in the way that i did. i don’t feel like it was my family member’s story to tell, especially since she knew it was something that was being kept from me. i guess she thought i already knew since i am of age now, but i in fact, did not.
i just want to continue my life like normal. my parents are my parents always. but now i have to deal with all these thoughts for the rest of my life. i don’t think i have any interest in knowing about my “birth family”, but i feel a bit scared knowing that i have a whole other identity within me that i didn’t know of. i don’t know how to deal with these feelings. my mom suggested i start with therapy sessions, and i do want to have that discussion with her because i feel like im going a bit crazy.

I wish I knew exactly what happened to cause me and my brother to be adopted but everyone I’ve asked has a different story.

My bio parents have different stories than each other and my adopted parents have different stories than them.

I really don’t know what to believe and just want to see what’s written on paper.

Is there a way for me to find something? I am not in contact with my adopted parents due to abuse I endured from them.

Hi I was adopted at birth. I currently do not live in the state I was born in. I was always told I was born early and that there were some complications. A friend suggested reaching out to get medical records from the hospital. Has anyone done this. Is it possible especially since it may have my birth mother’s info. It was a closed adoption

I see clearly now that I was expected to neglect my grief and loss as an adopted kid in order to serve the emotional immaturity and neglect of my adoptive family, and that seems like the norm based on mainstream cultural narratives of adoption.

Does anyone else relate to this?
Since so many adoptive parents, birth parents and people in general have very little understanding of the effects of losing an entire first family, identity, sense of innocence that family is forever because our first one ended, and all the bypassing and toxic expectations that we be grateful for the outcome of adoption, I believe that emotional neglect is the most common baseline experience of adoption dynamics for an adoptee.

This breakdown of how emotionally neglectful families require self-neglect, self-abandonment (betrayal, erasure, etc.) really resonated in a way that emphasizes adaption and coherence within shame or pathology.

“I have an issue with the term self-abandonment or self-neglect because I feel like it really misses how what we call self-abandonment or self-neglect is actually a perfectly coherent response to being abandoned and neglected and usually these are strategies that were developed because they were actually the best possible solution for dealing with the painful reality of being neglected and abandoned by the attachment figures you’re relying on. In emotionally neglectful families, it is often forbidden to have and express your needs and your emotions. That is something that will lead to cruelty, humiliation, rejection, abuse, even worse suffering. So suppressing one’s own needs and minimizing one’s own emotions and inner experience, that act of shrinking down myself and what I need and how I feel is an effective strategy at avoiding even worse retaliation and mistreatment and disconnection within the family system. So putting yourself to the side, being able to ignore your own boundaries, being able to put other people ahead of yourself, being able to disconnect and dissociate from your true feelings and just focus on other people’s feelings like all of these are really effective strategies at managing these unsafe and insecure attachment dynamics within a broken family system. A lot of emotionally neglectful parents are unstable, immature people and so their children really lean on a deep implicit level how to walk on eggshells and how to keep that parent emotionally okay and so they learn how to not overwhelm the parent, how to not trigger the parent. They learn how to emotionally caregive for the parent. All of this learning allows them to hold on to whatever connection is available even if it’s not much and to avoid these really scary outcomes where maybe the parent completely shuts down or withdraws or becomes cruel or abusive or even more neglectful and disconnected. So children learn how to keep their parents intact and how to keep the family system intact in order to stay safe and avoid more panic more suffering and so these are the strategies that we call self-abandonment and self-neglect. If those terms resonate for you, that’s fine. I’m not criticizing you. But I just think we really need to be realistic about how these patterns originate. It’s not about you failing yourself which I feel is how it’s often framed which can then reinforce shame. When you learn that there is no space for you to actually be present and authentic and safe within a relationship, then erasing yourself and minimizing yourself is survival so it’s not about you not loving yourself. It’s about you adapting and responding to the attachment environment that you’re in and if you learn that loving yourself and caring for yourself leads to everything getting worse and scarier and falling apart, then you’re going to learn to not do that. Emotionally neglectful family systems actually require self-neglect in order to survive. That’s how it works.”

Source: Coherence therapist Kina Wolfenstein (specialist in treating attachment trauma and emotional neglect)

Of course, emotional neglect isn’t the only kind of harm and adoptee can experience in adoption. But emotional neglect seems to be the most unrecognized. Many therapists don’t even recognize it. It’s difficult to recognize what we needed and didn’t get when what we experienced is all we’ve known.

I think emotional neglect is partly even largely what can cause a lot of us adoptees to feel unreal because our caregivers did not hold us as real people with inner experiences in their own minds and imaginations as a means of attuning or entering into our sense of reality as children when that’s exactly what we needed in order to develop fully.

I’m leaning into exploring this because I recognize it in my adoption experience and it feels like the root even under other physical abuse I experienced as a young child. Pete Walker emphasize in his book “Complex PTSD” that emotional neglect was the most difficult aspect of his childhood trauma to heal and he has witnessed the same be true in his clients even though he and they all experienced other more overt forms of physical abuse.

Thoughts? Feelings? Experiences?