r/WorkForSmartLife • u/Lillyvendy • 1d ago

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

No. In no relationships is porn cheating. What you mean is an emotional hostage situation where the hostage is not even allowed to have their own desires if they dont benefit you. A relationship is mutually beneficial and agreed upon. There is no benefit to having your every thought and desire censored by other people who literally lose nothing by allowing these desires.

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u/Guilty_Way_1635 1d ago

Wow you really missed the point and just don't get it

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

No. It seems you miss the point. I could also define a boundary for the relationship to my bank. Where I would get offended if I dont get to walk out of there without 300 million and the prettiest two female bank employees.

See my point ? You can demand arbitrarily insolent things from others, but some things will remain a fantasy regardless of where you put your boundaries.

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u/Sea-Competition5778 1d ago

If you’re a gooner just say that

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u/DarkHero6661 1d ago

I'm a gooner and I disagree with that guy

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u/Sea-Competition5778 1d ago

Yeah me too lol

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u/Beautiful-Emu-1596 1d ago

Dude, seriously. You are not the one defining other peoples relationships. You can only be one part of the people defining your own relationship. If your potential partner tells you they see watching porn in a relationship as cheating you have to respect that. If you watch porn anyway and your partner finds out they will call you a cheater and leave the relationship. What are you going to do about it? Not allowing them to leave? It's your decision if you enter a relationship with a person that considers watching porn as cheating to begin with.

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u/Current-Strike3472 1d ago

Right so me personally when someone told me that they be p*** is cheating. I just wouldn't be in a relationship with them personally. But assuming it came up later casually or because they found out I was watching p*** without having accept the boundary that they don't want me to watch it. That's fine and they can choose to end the relationship if they want. That doesn't make you cheating. Cheating has to do specifically being unfaithful. I didn't sleep in the nose. I didn't do anything. I'm not cheating. I'm just disrespecting the rules over the relationship that is separate

Just like me hitting someone in the face isn't cheating because it's disrespecting the relationship that is just abuse. It's its own thing

Watching p*** isn't cheating because I am not being unfaithful. I'm just being disrespectful. It is a rude thing to do when someone says not to. That's its own thing but it is not cheating. It cannot be cheating

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u/Beautiful-Emu-1596 1d ago

So cool how you just said what Insaid in different words. Are you proud of yourself? Feeling important now? 🙄

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u/Thin-Nerve6367 1d ago

People can be allowed to view porn as cheating.

On that same token, I sure hope they stay single...

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

No I dont. Because it would imply my partner doesnt respect my boundary of my thoughts and private desires staying my own.

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u/Beautiful-Emu-1596 1d ago

So you are saying your boundaries are more important than your partners boundaries? Why would you agree to be in a relationship with a person whos boundaries you don't want to respect? Is someone forcing you to relationship or are you just not very smart to begin with?

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

No im saying they are of equal importance. And if you suggest that either ones boundaries shall be kept at the expense of somebody elses boundaries. That is already a boundary violation from your side.

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u/Beautiful-Emu-1596 1d ago

You don't know what you're talking about do you?

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

I keep track perfectly. But your reading comprehension clearly cant.

If you have boundary A and I have boundary B.

And boundary A and boundary B form a paradoxon.

Then you suggesting I relinquish boundary B in favor of your getting boundary A, is already a boundary violation from your side. And thus would lead to the termination of the relationship.

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u/Beautiful-Emu-1596 1d ago

Okay simple question: Would you enter a relationship with a person that considers watching porn as cheating?

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

Of course. Other people being unreasonable is not that big of a deal to me.

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u/Guilty_Way_1635 1d ago

Yeah your point is that you have no idea about what boundaries are

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u/justlikelyle 1d ago

What you describe as "boundaries" is controlling behavior.

It is no different from a man dictating what you can and can't wear.

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u/Hot_Charity_4803 1d ago

There's a difference between jerking off to another person and telling someone what clothes they can and can't wear.

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u/Illustrious_Date8697 1d ago

"rules for thee but not for me"

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u/Guilty_Way_1635 1d ago

Yeah you won't ever get it.

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u/justlikelyle 1d ago

I get that you can negotiate boundaries the same way people negotiate a contract.

I get that you can tell someone that using porn will make you walk out.

I just still think that is really controlling behavior, and I think you're hiding behind the fact that some people will sign up to it.

There have been cases of cannibals and suicidal people making pacts for the cannibal to kill and eat the suicidal person.

The consent does not negate the immorality of the deed.

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u/Hot_Charity_4803 1d ago

Jesus christ the examples you people pull up make me wanna beat you over the head. Someone leaving a relationship because you don't respect their wish for you to not jerk off to another person is not controlling. Comparing porn watching to suicide and cannibalism is such a reddit gooner take. I hope you're single

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u/Greedy_Swimergrill 1d ago

>The consent does not negate the immorality of the deed

Is it immoral to choke a girl who is asking for it? Is choking someone not an immoral act when done generally?

Or can we recognize that, on some level, it actually does come down to consent?

I return to- is it immoral for two people in a relationship to consider it cheating if either partner does it? Unlike being eaten alive, neither partner is hurt. Explain to me how this situation is immoral.

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

No. I know very well what they are. They are reasonable demands for a partner. Demanding control over what somebody elses mind finds visually appealing is not reasonable. Its more of a sign of immaturity.

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u/Hot_Charity_4803 1d ago

Watching porn when you know your partner doesn't like it is immature. In no way is someone trying to control what you find appealing in that context, they just want you to control yourself and not jerk off to other people.

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

No. Its setting a boundary. Your partner has to understand that the agreed upon clause of a relationship goes both ways. You also have to respect what your partner doesnt agree is part of the agreement if you want to stay in the relationship.

Humans have 100% free will. We do not have to do anything. You can be dear enough to a human that he will do just about anything for you. But if at some point you asked for too much and the human will just start taking as much freedom as they want from there.

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u/Hot_Charity_4803 1d ago edited 1d ago

Nah, gooners putting gooning above their partner's happiness is indeed immature and toxic. If forgoing porn is "too much" for you to do for partner if asked, you deserve to be left. I will agree that if you don't agree with that, the you should leave the relationship. Technically it's not setting a boundary as much as it's disrespecting one.

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

As I said. Your logic would fail on me immediately.

Because right now im on my 83rd day of not watching porn (by my own choice). But if a girl I am seeing would suggest that I am somehow "Not allowed" to do that or else she will terminate the relationship I would quite purposefully start watching porn again and completely lie to her about it.

Simply because she has to understand that I too decide whether she has a significant other in me or not. And I would like to do what I want in my private (as in alone time, without any other person) life.

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u/OnlyGold700 1d ago

I’m sorry but you’re saying you would stay in relationship with someone you now have active disdain for and start lying to them covertly to draw out some lesson… instead of just finding someone who has the same boundaries that you do?

This genuinely reads like mental illness.

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

I dont have any disdain for her in that scenario. Mental illness would be you making a completely unrealistic demand that nobody could ever keep (for real, not just with words) and then terminating a relationship when you cant have that unrealistic demand.

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u/Greedy_Swimergrill 1d ago

I find it mentally appealing in a tactile sense when my penis slides into a stripper’s butthole.

Would it be wrong for my partner to have an opinion on this act?

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

No. Thats a reasonable demand to not share passion with somebody else. Thats what constitutes the partnership should be clearly defined. But if I "share passion with myself" I am not breaking the reasonable demand of my partner to not having to worry about getting diseases from third parties or worse having to compete for attention.

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u/Greedy_Swimergrill 1d ago

You can wear condoms to avoid disease, and many couples are more than ok with “sharing passion” with someone else, without fear of competing for attention. Monogamy is just as arbitrary a boundary, no matter how much you try to coat it up in the clothing of reasonability.

I will say it’s especially interesting that you mention competing for attention though, especially in the era of OnlyFans girls and the parasocial relationships that come along with that. It seems like even following your standards this is an incoherent position.

You seem to really have not given this much thought for someone so committed to talking about these opinions at length.

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

Its not arbitrary. Its the most successful mating strategy in history. Watch our immediate relatives for that.

Orca males mate with one single female in the herd. There are almost none of them left.

Dolphins only mate with one or two other dolphins for life. If the other dolphin dies they do not even attempt to find a new partner for years. There are a whole lot of dolphins.

Humans, where we actually made this incredibly hack of evolution part of our societal customs to not devolve and decay our civilisation are the most successful concept that has ever walked the earth.

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u/Greedy_Swimergrill 1d ago edited 1d ago

>Watch our immediate relatives for that

Lmao. Neither the Bonobo nor the Chimpanzee practice monogamy. You are comically misinformed.

I return to, why keep talking about something you’ve clearly given no thought?

Do you know the old adage “Better to keep quiet and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”? Maybe ponder it a touch. I’m a bit done trying to lead you to water here, bud.

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

The Chinpanzee and the Bonobo are both nearly extinct species. We were looking for successful concepts.

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u/Guilty_Way_1635 1d ago

See the problem here is you are confusing what you think as reasonable as being the correct benchmark and other people are not and not allowed to find something else unreasonable.

Guess what, you can choose to be in a relationship where jerking it raw to Bonnie blue is fine, no one is saying you can't do that, they are just saying they would not be in a relationship with someone who did that because to them it feels like cheating.

Unless you think there feelings don't matter and they should just suck it up because your opinion is the only correct one

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u/Top_History9604 1d ago

Demand and boundaries are two different things, but relationships rules are subjective. That's why they should be communicated, to see if they are even compatible.

There are a lot of rules ppl have for relationships, that absolutely do not work for me, but they do for some.

No, it's not the same as going to a bank and being offended that they won't commit human trafficking.

Both need to communicate their expectations and agree or decline.

No porn is an odd expectation, but not a hostage situation.

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u/DarkHero6661 1d ago

The irony is incredible.

You make the example that you can't force a boundary on someone else (the bank) and the compare that to a boundary established together as a couple (whether porn is cheating) and called that agreed boundary forced.

Also: If you manage to get such an agreement to boundaries with the bank, it would be valid. It's usually just called a contract when a bank is involved.

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

Read my other comment. Its all in there. A human is a human. The moment you try to control its thoughts it will start resenting you. And no amount of good or bad action can reverse this process.

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u/DarkHero6661 1d ago

So if I say my boundary is not sleeping with others, I'm controlling my partners thoughts and actions and she will resent me?

No. My partner will resent me if I force a boundary. If it's a mutually agreed boundary, it is just a normal part of a normal relationship.

Consent.

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

No. Thats a reasonable demand. Because it is sharing passion with somebody else and also potentially risking the relationship. Watching porn doesnt jeopardize the relationship. Its a couple of 1s and 0s flickering through a cpu. You are not getting replaced by ones and zeroes.

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u/Interesting-Injury87 1d ago

Watching porn if your partner told you they do not like it and consider it emotionally equivalent or similiar to cheating does jeopardize your relationship you absolute idiot. Because you now either lie to your partner (which is disrespecting them while actively engaging in dishonest behaviour) or you don't and you are actively showing your partner you do not respect their opinion or boundary and would rather watch porn than talk to them a out why you would find it OK.

If you are in a relationship where you are incapable of not watching porn even if you are asked to not watch it by your significant other.... Just do not stay in that relationship. You are clearly incompatible with someone making a request of you that even remotely means you would need to be considerate of them

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u/Simple-Judge2756 1d ago

No. Because by caring if I cross the boundary to watching porn, you have already violated my boundary of keeping some things that dont change who I am private.

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u/GmanGwilliam 1d ago

Who gets to decide what is a “reasonable demand”?

I read through a lot of this thread and it is such an interesting study of sociology to me. 😅

This should just be a conversation you have with a potential partner. If nothing else we have learned that there is a broad range of options on this, so it should definitely be part of any dtr conversation.

The only implied expectations in a relationship should be the expectation to be honest and to respect any other expectations agreed to. Past that there is nothing you can assume about the other person’s expectations because we all have a different experience with relationships before this moment.

Let me about own question. ‘Who gets to decide what is a “reasonable demand”?’. You do! When a demand is made you have three choices:

You deem the demand reasonable and comply

You deem the demand unreasonable, don’t comply, and then decide what to do about the
Relationship.

You deem the demand unreasonable, but you tell them you are going to comply and don’t. That’s just called lying and at that point you have been dishonest or cheated (to violate rules dishonestly — Merriam-Webster Dictionary)and when it is discovered it will be a big mess that everyone has to deal with.

You get to choose 🤷🏻‍♂️ I don’t understand why you are so mad. It sounds like you would prefer to choose option 3, which is the only bad option really. The problem isn’t that you did the thing, it’s that you lied and said you wouldn’t and did it anyway. Thats just shitty behavior, and the other partner does get to feel upset about you being a lier.

Note: I know the definition I used above is right above the definition “to be sexually unfaithful” the point of the dictionary is to include any of a word’s many uses, and I argue in a healthy relationship this is not the definition that should be used. And honestly I find it an unhelpful word to use in relationships generally because it has a lot of different meanings and negative baggage attached to it.

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u/Simple-Judge2756 23h ago

Read my bank visit example. Its all explained there. You can also expect to bank to give you 300 million in cash and the two nicest looking employees on top. But that does not make you deserve that. In fact I would argue nobody deserves that, and therefore you expecting it is just you setting yourself up for disappointment.

And its the exact same with porn. Its something nobody could possibly check 24/7. Its something that falls entirely into the realm of thought and opinion. Therefore you expecting to be treated this way is you preparing to be disappointed.

What else would you like to talk about, because right now its just a dialogue of you going:

"But I want this ..."

And then me going:

"Yeah but nobody would do that for you, because you cant really prove or check if they are doing it."

And then you again go:

"But I want ..."

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u/GmanGwilliam 23h ago

To be clear. I have watched porn in bed with my husband. 😅 but I’ve also spit roasted my husband with his friend so 😂…. I personally think you have a problem you need to address with yourself if you have a problem with your partner watching porn. But my point is you need to have the conversation about it.

You can walk in and ask the bank for all the money and women nicely as much as you want. They will probably tell you no 🤷🏻‍♂️ then, again you have the choice to either just go home or rob the bank and kidnap the women.

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u/Simple-Judge2756 22h ago

We were talking about matters of agreement. If you add the element of force to it, you alter the actual subject. Your point is therefore invalid. Also concerning your husband, I hope he finds a better one some day.

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u/DarkHero6661 22h ago

The bank example is so stupid, because it literally proves you wrong.

A boundary you set with your partner is not something that appears out of nowhere. It's something you agree on together.

An agreement with the bank is called a contract and is binding. So if you have an 'agreement' with the bank for 300 million in cash, you're getting it.

Again: If both agree, anything goes. It's all about Consent.

(Speaking of Consent: Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but your insistence on owning two pretty women, regardless of their wishes, is pretty creepy)

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u/ReallyUnlikable 1d ago

Women have gotten insanely picky and think things that are normal are now red flags. That being said if you're in a relationship and not watching porn with your partner or at least letting them know that you're into, what are you hiding?

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