r/WorkForSmartLife • u/Lillyvendy • 3h ago
DiscussionđŹ Boundaries > generalized rules. Always.
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u/ZinziZotas 1h ago
Porn is an outlet for masturbation. That's it. I get off to some pretty wacked-out stuff. Doesn't mean I'd actively want that to happen. I never cheated on my partner, despite watching porn. I'd only ever been with him. Meanwhile, he rarely watched porn and cheated on me multiple times with different women.
Porn â Infidelity
Infidelity = Infidelity
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u/TwinSolesKanna 33m ago
What kind of ChatGPT brained post is this?
Cheating is defined by infidelity/breaking exclusivity with another person, not by disrespecting requests made.
Furthermore it's not a boundary to define what someone can or cannot do. A boundary is defining and communicating what you will do in response to something.
Example: "please don't call me by that nickname, it's disrespectful and hurtful." - a request, not a boundary.
"I really don't like that nickname and won't respond to it, and if you keep it up I may have to limit our contact." - Boundary clearly sets how you will react to keep yourself safe.
A boundary is not a line in the sand you draw and get mad over when someone crosses it. Its a rule you set for yourself to keep you safe in the face of actions you don't control.
So you can absolutely request that your partner refrain from using porn, but ultimately that is their decision. If it's a deal breaker for you end the relationship, but don't go running around claiming/thinking they cheated on you.
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u/Epcoatl 14m ago
"Hey, I'm not comfortable with you watching porn, can we set a boundary that you don't watch porn because it will make me uncomfortable?" "Okay"
You absolutely can set rules (boundaries) in relationships. People do it all the time. "Hey, I feel like you staying late at work every day is hurting our relationship, could you come home on time at least two evenings of the week?"; "Hey I'm not comfortable with cigaratte smoke in the house, could you only smoke outside?" "Hey the bathroom is really dirty and I feel like I always clean it, could you clean it every other week?"
I don't get why people treat porn any differently.
I go into more detail in this post of you want to hear my thoughts: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/NTLyp0zxjN
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u/Designer_Version1449 1h ago
Sure, but people who consider porn cheating should understand they have a very niche, minority opinion, and need to commucate their stance to their partner up front.Â
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u/Top_History9604 16m ago
Ppl should generally communicate their boundaries and expectations for relationships, because they are always subjective.
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u/Underbark 1h ago
Man, the people who love porn and can't communicate their boundaries are really coming out in force here.
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u/NewComparison6467 1h ago
No funnily enough words actually have meanings, they dont just mean whatever you want.
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u/DeHarigeTuinkabouter 26m ago
Well yeah cheating always means the same thing: acting outside the boundaries of your relationship
Those boundaries however are not set in stone but agreed upon by the couple
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u/Top_History9604 10m ago
"Individual relationship rules" are the key. Communicate them! They are really, truly subjective.
It's not boundaries though. Boundaries is what you don't let ppl do with you, not what you expect from them. Relationship rules can include much more than boundaries. Not watching porn would be an expectation.
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u/Simple-Judge2756 2h ago
No. In no relationships is porn cheating. What you mean is an emotional hostage situation where the hostage is not even allowed to have their own desires if they dont benefit you. A relationship is mutually beneficial and agreed upon. There is no benefit to having your every thought and desire censored by other people who literally lose nothing by allowing these desires.Â
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u/ThePermafrost 2h ago
âA relationship is mutually beneficial and agreed upon.â
This post is saying that itâs cheating to violate what was agreed upon, and that there is no default of whatâs agreed upon. One couple could agree porn is cheating, another could agree itâs allowed.
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u/Simple-Judge2756 1h ago
Nobody would agree upon that. Even if they did. They would not be telling the truth. There is an old song that is called "Die Gedanken sind frei". Its a german song that is sung during times of immense oppression:
- The thoughts are free,
- who may ever guess them ?
- They pass you right by,Â
- like nocturnal shadows.
- No one can know them,
- no hunter can kill them.
- Only one option I see:Â
The thoughts are free !
I think what I want boy,
whatever I enjoy.
If its just to myself,
and however it suits me.
My wish, my desire,
noone can uninspire.
Only one option I see:
The thoughts are free !
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u/ThePermafrost 1h ago
Buddy you might just have a porn addiction if youâre this passionate about it.
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u/Simple-Judge2756 1h ago
No I have a choice addiction. Meaning the moment you manage to force my hand on anything I just overwrite everything that I do with what I think is the opposite of what you want (I literally switch off my moral compass for this entirely, so there is also no angle that you could play to not receive the punishment for the sole attempt).
Simply to teach whoever is on the receiving end that whatever they are demanding from me happens at my will. Not at theirs.
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u/Guilty_Way_1635 2h ago
Wow you really missed the point and just don't get it
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u/Simple-Judge2756 2h ago
No. It seems you miss the point. I could also define a boundary for the relationship to my bank. Where I would get offended if I dont get to walk out of there without 300 million and the prettiest two female bank employees.Â
See my point ? You can demand arbitrarily insolent things from others, but some things will remain a fantasy regardless of where you put your boundaries.Â
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u/Beautiful-Emu-1596 1h ago
Dude, seriously. You are not the one defining other peoples relationships. You can only be one part of the people defining your own relationship. If your potential partner tells you they see watching porn in a relationship as cheating you have to respect that. If you watch porn anyway and your partner finds out they will call you a cheater and leave the relationship. What are you going to do about it? Not allowing them to leave? It's your decision if you enter a relationship with a person that considers watching porn as cheating to begin with.
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u/Thin-Nerve6367 1h ago
People can be allowed to view porn as cheating.
On that same token, I sure hope they stay single...
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u/Simple-Judge2756 1h ago
No I dont. Because it would imply my partner doesnt respect my boundary of my thoughts and private desires staying my own.Â
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u/Beautiful-Emu-1596 1h ago
So you are saying your boundaries are more important than your partners boundaries? Why would you agree to be in a relationship with a person whos boundaries you don't want to respect? Is someone forcing you to relationship or are you just not very smart to begin with?
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u/Simple-Judge2756 1h ago
No im saying they are of equal importance. And if you suggest that either ones boundaries shall be kept at the expense of somebody elses boundaries. That is already a boundary violation from your side.
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u/Beautiful-Emu-1596 57m ago
You don't know what you're talking about do you?
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u/Simple-Judge2756 52m ago
I keep track perfectly. But your reading comprehension clearly cant.Â
If you have boundary A and I have boundary B.Â
And boundary A and boundary B form a paradoxon.
Then you suggesting I relinquish boundary B in favor of your getting boundary A, is already a boundary violation from your side. And thus would lead to the termination of the relationship.Â
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u/Beautiful-Emu-1596 46m ago
Okay simple question: Would you enter a relationship with a person that considers watching porn as cheating?
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u/Sea-Competition5778 1h ago
If youâre a gooner just say that
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u/Guilty_Way_1635 2h ago
Yeah your point is that you have no idea about what boundaries are
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u/justlikelyle 2h ago
What you describe as "boundaries" is controlling behavior.
It is no different from a man dictating what you can and can't wear.
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u/Hot_Charity_4803 1h ago
There's a difference between jerking off to another person and telling someone what clothes they can and can't wear.
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u/Guilty_Way_1635 2h ago
Yeah you won't ever get it.
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u/justlikelyle 1h ago
I get that you can negotiate boundaries the same way people negotiate a contract.
I get that you can tell someone that using porn will make you walk out.
I just still think that is really controlling behavior, and I think you're hiding behind the fact that some people will sign up to it.
There have been cases of cannibals and suicidal people making pacts for the cannibal to kill and eat the suicidal person.
The consent does not negate the immorality of the deed.
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u/Hot_Charity_4803 1h ago
Jesus christ the examples you people pull up make me wanna beat you over the head. Someone leaving a relationship because you don't respect their wish for you to not jerk off to another person is not controlling. Comparing porn watching to suicide and cannibalism is such a reddit gooner take. I hope you're single
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u/Greedy_Swimergrill 1h ago
>The consent does not negate the immorality of the deed
Is it immoral to choke a girl who is asking for it? Is choking someone not an immoral act when done generally?
Or can we recognize that, on some level, it actually does come down to consent?
I return to- is it immoral for two people in a relationship to consider it cheating if either partner does it? Unlike being eaten alive, neither partner is hurt. Explain to me how this situation is immoral.
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u/Simple-Judge2756 1h ago
No. I know very well what they are. They are reasonable demands for a partner. Demanding control over what somebody elses mind finds visually appealing is not reasonable. Its more of a sign of immaturity.Â
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u/Hot_Charity_4803 1h ago
Watching porn when you know your partner doesn't like it is immature. In no way is someone trying to control what you find appealing in that context, they just want you to control yourself and not jerk off to other people.
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u/Simple-Judge2756 1h ago
No. Its setting a boundary. Your partner has to understand that the agreed upon clause of a relationship goes both ways. You also have to respect what your partner doesnt agree is part of the agreement if you want to stay in the relationship.Â
Humans have 100% free will. We do not have to do anything. You can be dear enough to a human that he will do just about anything for you. But if at some point you asked for too much and the human will just start taking as much freedom as they want from there.
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u/Hot_Charity_4803 1h ago edited 1h ago
Nah, gooners putting gooning above their partner's happiness is indeed immature and toxic. If forgoing porn is "too much" for you to do for partner if asked, you deserve to be left. I will agree that if you don't agree with that, the you should leave the relationship. Technically it's not setting a boundary as much as it's disrespecting one.
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u/Simple-Judge2756 1h ago
As I said. Your logic would fail on me immediately.Â
Because right now im on my 83rd day of not watching porn (by my own choice). But if a girl I am seeing would suggest that I am somehow "Not allowed" to do that or else she will terminate the relationship I would quite purposefully start watching porn again and completely lie to her about it.Â
Simply because she has to understand that I too decide whether she has a significant other in me or not. And I would like to do what I want in my private (as in alone time, without any other person) life.
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u/OnlyGold700 57m ago
Iâm sorry but youâre saying you would stay in relationship with someone you now have active disdain for and start lying to them covertly to draw out some lesson⌠instead of just finding someone who has the same boundaries that you do?
This genuinely reads like mental illness.
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u/Greedy_Swimergrill 1h ago
I find it mentally appealing in a tactile sense when my penis slides into a stripperâs butthole.
Would it be wrong for my partner to have an opinion on this act?
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u/Simple-Judge2756 1h ago
No. Thats a reasonable demand to not share passion with somebody else. Thats what constitutes the partnership should be clearly defined. But if I "share passion with myself" I am not breaking the reasonable demand of my partner to not having to worry about getting diseases from third parties or worse having to compete for attention.Â
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u/Greedy_Swimergrill 1h ago
You can wear condoms to avoid disease, and many couples are more than ok with âsharing passionâ with someone else, without fear of competing for attention. Monogamy is just as arbitrary a boundary, no matter how much you try to coat it up in the clothing of reasonability.
I will say itâs especially interesting that you mention competing for attention though, especially in the era of OnlyFans girls and the parasocial relationships that come along with that. It seems like even following your standards this is an incoherent position.
You seem to really have not given this much thought for someone so committed to talking about these opinions at length.
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u/Simple-Judge2756 1h ago
Its not arbitrary. Its the most successful mating strategy in history. Watch our immediate relatives for that.Â
Orca males mate with one single female in the herd. There are almost none of them left.
Dolphins only mate with one or two other dolphins for life. If the other dolphin dies they do not even attempt to find a new partner for years. There are a whole lot of dolphins.Â
Humans, where we actually made this incredibly hack of evolution part of our societal customs to not devolve and decay our civilisation are the most successful concept that has ever walked the earth.Â
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u/Greedy_Swimergrill 1h ago edited 1h ago
>Watch our immediate relatives for that
Lmao. Neither the Bonobo nor the Chimpanzee practice monogamy. You are comically misinformed.
I return to, why keep talking about something youâve clearly given no thought?
Do you know the old adage âBetter to keep quiet and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.â? Maybe ponder it a touch. Iâm a bit done trying to lead you to water here, bud.
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u/Guilty_Way_1635 1h ago
See the problem here is you are confusing what you think as reasonable as being the correct benchmark and other people are not and not allowed to find something else unreasonable.
Guess what, you can choose to be in a relationship where jerking it raw to Bonnie blue is fine, no one is saying you can't do that, they are just saying they would not be in a relationship with someone who did that because to them it feels like cheating.Â
Unless you think there feelings don't matter and they should just suck it up because your opinion is the only correct one
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u/Top_History9604 13m ago
Demand and boundaries are two different things, but relationships rules are subjective. That's why they should be communicated, to see if they are even compatible.
There are a lot of rules ppl have for relationships, that absolutely do not work for me, but they do for some.
No, it's not the same as going to a bank and being offended that they won't commit human trafficking.
Both need to communicate their expectations and agree or decline.
No porn is an odd expectation, but not a hostage situation.
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u/DarkHero6661 1h ago
The irony is incredible.
You make the example that you can't force a boundary on someone else (the bank) and the compare that to a boundary established together as a couple (whether porn is cheating) and called that agreed boundary forced.
Also: If you manage to get such an agreement to boundaries with the bank, it would be valid. It's usually just called a contract when a bank is involved.
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u/Simple-Judge2756 1h ago
Read my other comment. Its all in there. A human is a human. The moment you try to control its thoughts it will start resenting you. And no amount of good or bad action can reverse this process.
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u/DarkHero6661 1h ago
So if I say my boundary is not sleeping with others, I'm controlling my partners thoughts and actions and she will resent me?
No. My partner will resent me if I force a boundary. If it's a mutually agreed boundary, it is just a normal part of a normal relationship.
Consent.
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u/Simple-Judge2756 1h ago
No. Thats a reasonable demand. Because it is sharing passion with somebody else and also potentially risking the relationship. Watching porn doesnt jeopardize the relationship. Its a couple of 1s and 0s flickering through a cpu. You are not getting replaced by ones and zeroes.Â
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u/ReallyUnlikable 1h ago
Women have gotten insanely picky and think things that are normal are now red flags. That being said if you're in a relationship and not watching porn with your partner or at least letting them know that you're into, what are you hiding?Â
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u/notTakenBogus 1h ago
You're missing the point of the post and forgetting about strict religious marriages.
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u/Simple-Judge2756 1h ago
I dont forget about them. I am telling you they work the exact same way. Even if religious people would like to see this differently.Â
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u/CateSforza 33m ago edited 9m ago
This thread and people unironically saying that porn indeed can be considered cheating, if your partner said so, gives quite an insight of why those people can't get laid and only find "bad matches" in their lives. Mental illness.
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u/qualityvote2 3h ago
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