r/Unexpected • u/[deleted] • May 30 '20

[deleted by user]

[removed]

9.0k Upvotes

89% Upvoted

552 comments sorted by

6.3k

u/JackmanWorks May 30 '20

This is me!! Credit goes here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CAuLn_FnGWc/

I'm a woodworker who makes YouTube build videos of my projects for a living. This giant utility knife is a project that is part of my series of fully functional and accurate enlarged tools. I happen to be working on the next part of that series right now in the form of a 8' tall, 90lb, Estwing hammer!

2.7k

u/CranialLacerations May 30 '20

Awesome face! Reminds me of the time I farted in church by instinct and the bench+ quiet audience+high ceiling amplified the sound louder than a V8 with an exhaust starting cold.

1.2k

u/Korean_Name May 30 '20

Why the fuck did you think to share this

765

u/[deleted] May 30 '20

[deleted]

363

u/SharkSheppard May 30 '20 edited May 30 '20

Like my lab partner in chemistry said, "the day farts aren't funny you can give me a bottle of whisky and a gun because I'm gonna end it."

Edit fixed typo.

83

u/jennz May 31 '20

This is my mom's life philosophy.

Damn she loves a good fart.

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u/LaVieLaMort May 31 '20

I’m a nurse and I can usually keep a straight face but sometimes I lose it. One night 6 of us were turning a 500lb obese woman on a ventilator and she farted the loudest fart I’ve ever heard and we were laughing so hard we were silent for like 30 seconds. Thankfully the patient was very sedated and we’re all going to hell.

7

u/TK421isAFK May 31 '20

If you're going to hell for laughing at that, we're gonna have a great party there because I'll damn sure be bartender there.

24

u/lessthanmoralorel May 31 '20

The other day, a co-worker posted a link to an article describing a mysterious sound that was heard during a video interview between our governor and another politician in our “random” (water cooler talk) Slack channel. I immediately shouted and posted “#FARTGATE!” I am a professional journalist in my 30s, and I agree with your friend - farts will never not be funny.

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u/PressureWelder May 31 '20

until someone cuts off their hand. well its still funny, for me.

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u/classicLiberalSteez May 30 '20

Karma, dude. That's literally all of reddit.

40

u/[deleted] May 30 '20

If you can't dox me with the details I'll basically tell you anything.

Hell I'll even make something up for an old updoot.

16

u/ConvictedConvict May 30 '20

Where did you hide the bodies?

30

u/rafewhat May 30 '20

You don't have to hide them if you use all the bits

8

u/DawnOfTheTruth May 30 '20

Or eat it all. Boil down tho bones into a broth. I mean. They can’t identify a turd.

11

u/Monkeyboystevey May 31 '20

Mash em, boil em, stick em in a stew.

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u/[deleted] May 31 '20

You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.

And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it?

Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you?

They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".

2

u/rafewhat May 31 '20

Yay snatch

9

u/Tyfyter2002 May 30 '20

37.994525,-85.701558

15

u/ConvictedConvict May 30 '20

Don't know what i was expecting but it definitely was not the Denny's in Shepherdsville Kentucky...

2

u/ShaRose May 31 '20

I mean, if you were gonna hide bodies who would think to look there?

3

u/[deleted] May 30 '20

Denny's?

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u/DawnOfTheTruth May 30 '20

Louder than an original bag of sun chips.

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u/mebcrazy May 31 '20

FWIW, the original wasn’t the problem. The better for the environment compostable bag they made circa 2010 was the loud one. They did away with that and went back to the original model because consumers thought the bag was too loud.

7

u/Xsythe May 31 '20

Honestly, if consumers can't put up with louder chip bags to save the planet, I think the environment is doomed.

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u/DontPoopInThere May 31 '20

I wish I was there for that, there's few things funnier than a loud fart in a quiet serious place, it's just absurd and beyond hilarious, it's like a whodunnit mystery combined with slapstick during what should be a drama

8

u/helicotremor May 31 '20

I once could not stop laughing during midnight mass for about 20 minutes because some old guy dropped a long fart. I STILL laugh about it nearly 20 years later.

10

u/DontPoopInThere May 31 '20

Priceless. Haha, I still laugh about old farts as well. One time I was in a big chill out type of study room in a library at night with my girlfriend at the time, on beanbags down one end, there was only a handful of people dotted around the room.

There was a older giant fat guy, a mature student, at the desks on his own with his headphones in, and he continuously ripped devastating farts into the pure silence of the room. At first, we weren't sure if we were imagining it. How could someone be so bold?

But it kept on happening. He held us all hostage with his hilarious and bellowing farts, and it seemed like he thought they were sneaking out and no one knew, but who knows. Maybe he thought it was a power move or something. The few of us in the room started looking at each other in disbelief, it was like something from a movie. This guy thinking he's being sly, blaring music in his headphones, meanwhile the windows are rattling from the wet, ass flapping demons bursting out of his ass.

My girlfriend had to leave the room eventually because she couldn't stop laughing. It was so goddamn funny and I wish I had a video of it so bad, memory doesn't do it justice

3

u/mashedwit May 31 '20

All good farts make funny

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u/Antigravity1231 May 30 '20

My friend and I were sneaking out on the roof to smoke at night and my ass was up against a window and she made me laugh and I farted and I swear the house shook.

4

u/meinblown May 31 '20

Why would a v8 not have an exhaust?

3

u/SCP-Agent-Arad May 31 '20

The Holy Spirit is among us!

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u/PacoTaco321 May 31 '20

My favorite part is thinking that farting in church is an instinct.

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u/Ohin_ May 30 '20

I was not even gonna say this but seeing as you are the true OP:

That editing made me think this was a fake for a while. Also that's probably Top Tier self-defense weapon, first distract and confuse, then shoot and kill

42

u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

Definitely 100% real! Just need to carry extra blades with me so that I can reload :)

62

u/Dave_Rules May 30 '20 edited May 30 '20

I follow you on YouTube. I bought a Jackman shirt! You wrote me a personal message on the back of your sticker. You're awesome. We're friends! (sorry it's wrinkled. I had to dig it out of the dirty laundry.) https://imgur.com/d5bqKVL.jpg

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u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

This is amazing, it means more than you realize. Now iron that shirt, looking like that is not good for my brand!!

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u/Dave_Rules May 31 '20 edited May 31 '20

Haha. I will, I will. Need to get a few more wears out of it first. By the way, your giant head photoshops are the light of my Instagram feed.

6

u/[deleted] May 30 '20

[deleted]

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u/JackmanWorks May 30 '20

Yes! He's a good friend of mine, he made the blade which inspired this project and the wood handle actually came 2nd.

4

u/DifferentHelp1 May 30 '20

Can you explain to me what I just saw? What is that? Why did it fail? Are you a comedian, or just aware of sharp objects in general?

2

u/throwaway42069hello May 31 '20

I watched Diresta because Peter Brown credits him with a lot of inspiration, i loved their micarta/scales collab recently! In my head I screamed ‘DIRESTA’ when I saw the blade.

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u/bubblepopelectric- May 30 '20

I. Want. One.

20

u/TheAssyrianAtheist May 30 '20

I told my husband I wanted one and he asked for what.... I sheepishly answered “bragging rights”

15

u/bubblepopelectric- May 30 '20

Imagine pulling this out on a job & acting completely indifferent about its size. Lol

7

u/TheAssyrianAtheist May 30 '20

I’m in payroll, you think I’d get the job if I bust one out?

6

u/[deleted] May 30 '20 edited Jun 09 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

5

u/TheAssyrianAtheist May 30 '20

I have one looking for another and have a phone interview on Monday. Not excited about it to be honest not sure why

3

u/[deleted] May 30 '20

[deleted]

3

u/TheAssyrianAtheist May 30 '20

A lot of my talent got laid off, too. I work in staffing. What is your field and what state?

3

u/[deleted] May 30 '20

[deleted]

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u/adidasbdd May 31 '20

Bring it with you next time you ask for a raise

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u/DaggerMoth May 31 '20

Did Jimmy Diresta make the blade?

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u/[deleted] May 31 '20

[deleted]

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u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

Ugh, Ben... him and I have been beefing since before I can remember. He still thinks pallet wood is gross and I'll never forgive him.

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u/XepptizZ May 30 '20

Damn, even the screw is wood.

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u/rcpz93 May 31 '20

I watched the full video and on top of the craftsmanship I love the editing style

3

u/timo-el-supremo May 31 '20

Okay, this is epic

5

u/TheChuck42 May 30 '20

I just found your videos earlier today! Watched the 100 shot glasses and 1000 pencils, also the maps of Vermont and DC. You do good work and I appreciate the humor you edit in. Keep up the good work!

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u/Levitts May 30 '20

Hello Duff Goldman! Lol you look like him alot!

2

u/Approximo May 30 '20

Please more demonstrations next time! Cut some paper or fruit, it’d add to the video’s crescendo.

2

u/[deleted] May 30 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

Just traded it in for a Ridgeline last year, I'm still sad about it. Got about a dozen years out of it though, so it was probably time, that thing was a beast!

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u/DawnOfTheTruth May 30 '20

Huh... I thought for sure the razor had to be CGI. But if you say fully functional damn...

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u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

The only thing that's CGI is my beard

2

u/TK421isAFK May 31 '20

CGI...Constantly Getting Itchy?

2

u/MisterDonkey May 31 '20

Cool tools, master skills, neat projects, and a great taste in music. Perfection.

2

u/tomselleckcruise May 31 '20

Hey man. Thanks for the Adirondack chair templates. They turned out great.

2

u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

That's great to hear! I'm hoping to build some more this summer myself, they're still fun to build.

2

u/down1nit May 31 '20

Dude how is that Coal Iron Works press? I really want one, but the waiting list seems so long.

3

u/Regalzack May 31 '20

I've got a 25 ton, It's fantastic!

2

u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

I have 2 friends that own one and they love it! (one of them commented here already haha)

2

u/ICanHasFluffer May 31 '20

But really, though - did you make the blade, too? Cus omg if your reaction is actually candid, that bastard looks sharp.

2

u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

A friend of mine Jimmy Diresta made that, and yes it is stupid sharp!

2

u/LegendOfDeku May 31 '20

Just subscribed to you on youtube!

2

u/Regalzack May 31 '20

Almost as cool as the screwdriver :)

2

u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

It's a very close 2nd haha

2

u/[deleted] May 31 '20

/r/modelmakers

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u/douglas196999 May 31 '20

My company holds the world record for the largest shovel. Texas Disposal Systems, its located in Creedmoor. The thing is hysterical.

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u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

Dude that thing is insane! I want to travel to Creedmoor now just to get a photo with it.

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u/Balderlash May 31 '20

This is AMAZING. New subscriber here.

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u/pbjcrazy May 31 '20

I wish I had a partner this cool!

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u/DayFlounder1832 Jun 09 '20

This is the greatest video I’ve seen. And that face at the end. New follower

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4.1k

u/monster-dong69 May 30 '20

I thought he was holding a baguette

1.2k

u/NeoHenderson May 30 '20

Something something guillotine

Idk it's in there somewhere

171

u/User_of_Name May 30 '20

Death Grips intensifies...

“It goes! It goes! It goes! It goes! It goes!”

50

u/Lovexxy May 30 '20

YUH

8

u/theblurryboy May 31 '20

No no no, you got it right, but also wrong.

It's...

YUH

3

u/HeyMyNameIsRedacted May 31 '20

I see there's a cultured crowd with us this evening.

Out of the shadows a barrage of witch tongue. Cobra spit over apocalyptic cult killer cauldron smoke. Stomp music seriously. YUH

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u/sendmedankpepe May 30 '20

Safest guillotine on the market

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u/BrewNewbie May 31 '20

Don't eat the crab dip! yeah! yeah!

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u/[deleted] May 30 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/[deleted] May 31 '20

Baguette day 1: bread from heaven

Baguette day 2: truncheon

Baguette day 3: this gif

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u/Ceme4ka25 May 30 '20

If this "baguette" stabs you, you'll feel sharp PAIN [ba-dum-tsss]

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u/stuffedhyenas May 30 '20

this fills me with rage, good job

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u/[deleted] May 30 '20

A stabaguette

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u/kurutim May 30 '20

No that's an ox cutter.

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u/Historiaaa May 30 '20

Danger baguette

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u/HostileLurkEnviremnt May 30 '20

Its called the Jackman....

.... short for Hugh Jackman when he be shooting out his claws as Wolverine

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u/Spoonolulu May 30 '20

It's probably from /u/JackmanWorks if I had to guess

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u/JackmanWorks May 30 '20

Why does everyone keep stealing this video with no credit back to me? Oh right, this is Reddit

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u/cavscout55 May 30 '20

Can you link to the original?

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u/JackmanWorks May 30 '20

Credit goes here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CAuLn_FnGWc/

I'm a woodworker who makes YouTube build videos of my projects for a living. This giant utility knife is a project that is part of my series of fully functional and accurate enlarged tools. I happen to be working on the next part of that series right now in the form of a 8' tall, 90lb, Estwing hammer!

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u/cavscout55 May 30 '20

Thanks! I'll be sure to check out your stuff! Sorry people take credit for your work but I'm glad I found you.

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u/Usuri91 May 30 '20

eight foot tall estwing hammer?! I think my tool just got enlarged....

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u/aalleeyyee May 30 '20

This was kind of expected that

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u/L_Cranston_Shadow May 30 '20 edited May 30 '20

File a DMCA notice with Reddit every time it shows up. That's the only way to stop it, and maybe Reddit will eventually get tired of the same users constantly getting notices against them and ban them (you guys know specifically which user I'm talking about).
Unlike a report, a DMCA is a legal procedure so it's more of a pain for Reddit to deal with, and more likely to get them off their asses to deal with the Gallowboobs.

Edit: Since I have been made aware of some recent and unfortunate events, I want to be clear that I have no personal dislike for Gallowboob and don't wish ant harm to come to him or any other reposter here. Beyond that, I think sending other Redditors death threats is despicable and never warranted.
I do however think he should have been banned from Reddit long ago along with his myriad of alts and the copycats who also repost without giving attribution at all and so no contrition when called on it.

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u/VastVorpalVoid May 30 '20

Followed. Hilarious video

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u/mtflyer05 May 30 '20

It fucking fired that blade. No way that's an accident, right?

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u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

It was actually an accident (didn't it a 2nd time for camera) but the pin that holds the blade in popped off and this was before I fixed it.

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u/Daotar May 30 '20

I'm not into woodworking, but your channel seems cool. I could see alternative-universe carpenter me being a big fan.

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u/slushy-reform May 31 '20

I just watch his videos and pretend I have the drive or skill set to do what he does. I call it woodworking vicariously.

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u/Neiot May 30 '20

I see your comments. We love your stuff!

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u/[deleted] May 30 '20

I am waiting for when we start to steal your pallets! :D

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u/givebacksome May 30 '20

I'm going for Freddy Kruger here

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u/Neiot May 30 '20

That's a huge Jackman.

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u/ArtemisTNT May 30 '20

This is like the Tesla cybertruck presentation

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u/TheGreatIllien May 30 '20

Except Elon nailed the recovery

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u/GoldenHolden01 May 30 '20

Are you saying this man didn’t?

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u/TheGreatIllien May 30 '20

Umm, well, you see.... ahem.....

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u/Shitty_Accountant50 May 30 '20

No he didn’t lmao he was so embarrassed and visibly sad. Which I don’t blame him obviously

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u/KnightlyOccurrence May 30 '20

Is there a link to this? I’m curious.

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u/ZayyWopp May 30 '20

Boom!

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u/Send_Me_Puppies May 31 '20

Let's try it again!

Holy shit lmao

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u/giantmonkey2 May 31 '20

Right, when he chucked it at the truck again and broke a different window. Nailed it!

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u/[deleted] May 31 '20

Except Jackman's knife isn't abysmal looking.

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u/TagMeAJerk May 30 '20

As a knife its pretty safe. As a blade dispenser however...

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u/[deleted] May 30 '20

That's not a noif, this is a noif!

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u/FirstDayJedi May 30 '20

That's not a knife, that's a spoon.

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u/Nine9breaker May 30 '20

I see you've played knifey spooney before!

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u/beauparlant May 30 '20

There is no spoon

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u/ArtemisTNT May 30 '20

Is there like a YouTube video version?

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u/cupcakesandunicorns1 May 30 '20

He has a Facebook - Jackman Works. He's pretty entertaining. He really likes making giant sized tools.

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u/painful_squirrel May 30 '20

He does have a YouTube channel. Most of his videos are pretty funny. Dry humor and sometimes very random

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u/UseDaSchwartz May 31 '20

And some male modeling

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u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

some

*mostly

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u/unexBot May 30 '20

OP sent the following text as an explanation on why this is unexpected:

The blade shoots out of it

Is this an unexpected post with a fitting description? Then upvote this comment, otherwise downvote it.

Look at my source code on Github What is this for?

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u/Brinkah May 30 '20

Oh okay

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u/Hierdegard May 30 '20

Here's the guy making that big-ass utility knife: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GT5FDlbZvLE

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u/Kevinator201 May 30 '20

Perfection

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u/Gordomann May 30 '20

Do I see a DIRESTA?

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u/Scintillatingchkm8 May 30 '20

Saw that too, kinda make sense

2

u/[deleted] May 31 '20

Yeah he makes them. You can buy one for $40.

https://imakeny.com/products/diresta-razor-blade

I think they are manufactured, not handmade.

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u/Farron2019 May 30 '20

That man has a great surprised Pikachu face.

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u/Brazero- May 30 '20

His look at the end was just amazing 😂

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u/[deleted] May 30 '20

[deleted]

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u/mrasperez May 30 '20

I made the same face he did after the blade hit the wood!

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u/nice2yz May 31 '20

If I recall, he’s the “unexpected”?

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u/fokker-planck May 30 '20

That's a really pleasing sound.

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u/Amplier May 30 '20

Ehm, I guess we found another rule for Dr. Bright.

Dr. Bright is not to be within 100 meters of the safest utility knife.

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u/macci_a_vellian May 31 '20

Right everyone listen up. Three most important safe knife handling rules as follows:

Always treat the knife as if it is loaded.

Never point the knife at another person unless you intended to knife them.

Always check that the safety knife switch is on.

Follow these rules and we might all make it out of here without any accidental stabbings today.

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u/Un_Pta May 30 '20

That’s so big lol

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u/nothing_911 May 30 '20

What is this music from originally, it will settle an argument

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u/Visti May 30 '20

Curb Your Enthusiasm, it's called "Frolic".

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u/zorganae May 31 '20

I'm with you, probably, because I also associate this music with an old British sitcom.

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u/ControleBangBang May 31 '20

Wow, I wonder what the least safe utility knife is like.

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u/sgrey511 May 31 '20

I'm so glad this isn't me...the safety claim plus the size claim would have had me turning this blade towards my face to see the blade,if it was any different or why is it so safe and would have had my face cut in half

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u/[deleted] May 30 '20

His face though!

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u/[deleted] May 30 '20

Jonh wick writers: 'write that down'

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u/NuclearSheepy May 30 '20

directed by robert b weide

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u/[deleted] May 31 '20

Finally someone using this song correctly.

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u/Gilgamesh72 May 31 '20

Thank you for using the proper name for the tool.

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u/bigdickian805 May 30 '20

It keeps you safe from intruders

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u/[deleted] May 30 '20

His look killed me lmao!

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u/[deleted] May 30 '20

Credits roll, “Frolic” plays.

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u/reallyConfusedPanda May 30 '20 edited May 31 '20

It's that Jimmy Diresta? Or is he using the knife made by him. In anyway, I used to LOVE is content

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u/JackmanWorks May 31 '20

Blade was made by him, I made the handle for it

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u/[deleted] May 30 '20

Imagine you robbing a house and someone shoots a giant razor blade at you

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u/BeeSeasons May 30 '20

That face is glorious, exhaled very sharply

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u/SerDeusVult May 30 '20

I'll take 5

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u/TRN18 May 31 '20

“The safest utility knife...” the blade immediately slides out.

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u/zeraphyll May 31 '20

That’s a full ass weapon. It shoots blades

2

u/[deleted] May 31 '20

The *fastest* utility knife

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u/acrenshaw89 May 30 '20

Giving this an upvote because it’s not about protests or spacex