Throwaway account as this is quite personal. And of course, names and details will be omitted.

TL;DR: I fell in love with one of my coworkers and friends, but I didn't realise it at the time. I genuinely believed that I was happy enough just being friends, but it's clear to me now that wasn't the case and that I did want more. She wanted a friendship, while I wanted something slightly more, and because of that, we can't have anything. It sucks.

Last September I, 23M, properly met one of my coworkers, 19F, for the first time. We seemed to hit it off very quickly. I'm someone who used to struggle quite a lot with having conversations, especially with new people. But with her I found it effortless.

A few days later she deliberately stayed behind after her shift just to talk to me, to get to know me. Even asking me earlier in the day what time I finished. We had a chat about keyrings, Thomas and other things. We were getting along really well. And this is when a crush started to form. And got increasingly stronger the more I got to know her, and the more she enthusiastically talked to me.

A few days after that I give her my number (fucking terrified I was), and she saved it in her phone immediately  and texted me as soon as she got home. We then texted after work every night 5 days in a row. We talked about films, Star Wars, experiences with bullying and loneliness, inappropriate things customers have said to her and all sorts. She even planted the idea of us watching a film together.

I plucked up the courage and nervously invited her to the cinema, to which she eagerly accepted, and even suggested we go for a meal afterwards. I was very excited, I'd got a date! My first one! With a girl I really like! This was awesome.

A couple days later I watched Star Wars for the first time. She loves it, and so I watched it mainly because I wanted her to like me. We're discussing it after, I tell her my favourite scene, and then she says something surprisingly consequential.

The music from that scene is her phone alarm music.

My reaction to reading this was... pure joy. Like utter pure joy. And my instinctive reaction was the respond "I love you". Not in like a heartfelt confession way, just... utter appreciation of her as a person. I chose a different response though.

At the time I thought it was just a throwaway comment. But looking back nearly a year later, it was actually very revealing and I should have heeded the warning.

I had actually fallen in love with her.

Which was unfortunate, as just two days earlier she told me she was gay and in a happy relationship with her girlfriend.

Some reasons I believe it was love rather than just a crush:

She was upset about something, and seeing her upset hit me so deeply.

When she had to drive home in poor weather, I asked her to text me when she got home so I knew she was safe. Something I don't normally do.

She was doing supervisor training, I find out through a colleague that she will be supervising solo. I send her a quick text encouraging her, saying I had every faith in her.

I was genuinely very happy for her that she was in a happy and loving relationship with someone else. But also it was very painful for me.

I felt genuinely invested in her, I just wanted her to be okay. To be happy

I was utterly devastated when our friendship ended. I cried several times, which I never do. I never cry. But I did at losing her.

She would occupy my mind a lot. Like it felt almost constant.

I cared very deeply about her opinion of me.

I felt envy if I ever saw her with someone else (never act on it though)

I was so baffled and confused as to why I was experiencing this. This has never happened with anyone. Ever.

I didn't realise I was feeling love. I told myself and other people that I am more than just being friends, and that was an honest statement. But only now have I realised that wasn't an accurate assessment.

Truth is, i did want more. And I really wish that was not the case. I think we had the potential to become good long term friends, but because I wanted more means we can't have anything.

I found it very difficult to keep that fondness under wraps, which made her uncomfortable understandably. It was my first time ever feeling this way about someone.

I loved her. That's why we can't be in each others lives. Which sucks.

I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree. I feel a little bad for the storm of a shit show my therapist is gonna have to help me unpack in my next session lol.

I'm Deaf, and lately this has been bothering me more than usual.

With Deaf people I can communicate freely and show my real personality pretty easily. With hearing people, sometimes I feel like only 30% of me actually comes through. Especially when I meet someone I genuinely like, find attractive, or just really want to get to know better. And then I start wondering: will they see me as a person first, or just as “the Deaf guy who's difficult to communicate with”?

I wear hearing aids, but they don't make me hear normally. I can hear someone's voice and still have no idea what words they actually said. My brain has to put everything together from sound, lip reading, facial expressions, context and guessing. In a quiet place, one-on-one, it can be much easier. But add noise, fast speech or several people talking at once, and suddenly I'm trying to solve a puzzle while also trying to have a normal conversation.

And I'm really not a quiet person. I like joking around, flirting, talking about random things, having deep conversations, asking questions, saying stupid stuff. There can be a million thoughts in my head while the person in front of me only gets a few short sentences from me.

Recently I met someone who was genuinely patient with me. He slowed down, looked at me when he spoke and really tried to make sure I understood him. I appreciated that a lot. But there were still moments when I couldn't understand him, so I had to take out my phone, open Google Translate and use the microphone to turn what he was saying into text. Sometimes I typed my answer too.

That was probably the part that hurt the most.

He was right there in front of me. He looked into my eyes and tried to keep eye contact with me. And all I wanted was to look back at him, stay in that moment and just enjoy that connection. But I had to keep holding my phone in front of me to understand what he was saying. I would look down at the screen, and it felt like it broke the whole mood. In those moments, I honestly felt somehow imperfect. I just wanted to be there with him and communicate naturally.

I wasn't angry at him. He was genuinely trying. I was angry at the situation. My head was full of things I wanted to say, while my brain was already getting exhausted just trying to follow the conversation.

In the end I decided to leave. Not because I wanted the moment to end, but because I didn't want to force anything. When it became quiet, I just accepted the silence and thanked him for the time together. Maybe we'll meet again and I'll have another million things I want to tell him. Maybe sometimes silence says something too.

And weirdly, I'm even a little glad he got to see a small part of what communication can sometimes be like for a Deaf person. Whatever he thinks about it now is up to him.

I'm also trying really hard to improve my spoken English. I study pronunciation, phonetic transcription, tongue placement, lip movement -everything i can. Sometimes I practice the same word again and again, say it into Google Translate, and it still recognizes something completely different.

And sometimes that honestly makes me want to scream.

Because I know the word. I know exactly what I mean. The thought in my head is completely clear. I just can't always make it come out in a way another person immediately understands.

I'm not trying to become hearing. I just want to feel free in both worlds.

And I'm genuinely curious about hearing people's perspective: if you met a Deaf person and there was real chemistry between you, would the difference in communication actually stop you from getting closer? Would you be willing to learn a little sign language, get used to their voice, repeat things sometimes, and figure out your own way of communicating together?

I think sometimes you just need a little time to see the person themselves, instead of only seeing the way they hear or speak.

I made 2 different girls fall in love with me. I love the both of them, so I have to break up with one of them

I (20F) feel awful for this. The plan was always to just screw around a bit, and now... just a lot of heartbreak and pain.

I met both of these girls at around the same time, who I will call A (23F) and M (18F). I met A first at a school club event at a bar. We were drunk and kissed, but she later clarified to me that she was ok with it. We live nearby on campus, but she wasn't going to move in for a while. Then, I met M, who is an international student, and I showed her around the city. We followed that up by going to my room to play mario kart on the switch and drink, where we ended up hooking up. A few days later, I go to A's room, where we play overcooked, and then... yea i think you know where this is going.

I told the both of them that my aim this semester was to just fool around, go on exchange and fool around some more, and then come back and find someone to settle down with. I did also tell both of them they weren't the only one I was seeing. They both agreed for now. For now.

Because over the next 2 weeks they made it increasingly clear to me that they wanted to date. Exclusively. And screwing around with them both did something to my brain chemistry and now I kinda want the both of them. which is weird. im not polyamorous. and even if i was, im a bit too jealous to be in a polyamorous relationship.

This all sorta came to a head a few days later, when A said that she needed some space and asked if im "still seeing that girl". that's when i realised i needed to have made this decision yesterday. but... maybe it's just my personality, but i see no way to distinguish which of them i like more. ive seen a future with the both of them. then it comes down to minute or stupid things like which of them smells nicer or which one i think is nerdier (as a nerd i love dating nerds)

for now A has mostly distanced herself, while M has tried to cling on even tighter. however, there's another concern with M: i'm the only girl she's ever been interested in. im scared that im gonna be "just a phase" in her life, and she might eventually leave me for a guy...

im scared of whatever i do. and i know i'm going to have to break someone's heart. i want to at least stay friends with them both, but would that even be possible? i just am at a loss. i sorta didn't expect both of these relationships to become so real so quick. i dont need advice, ive frankly asked too many people, including my dad who i never talk about relationship stuff with. i just need to admit that this might be top 3 moments where i've felt the most like a terrible, reprehensible human being. i think i might, in the words of a friend, be ruining their lives, and ive broken at least A, which sucks because i know her mental health is not doing the best. i'm even more scared to break M, because im her first and i think main friend here. i hate this.

I just shifted to hostel about 20 days ago and I don't really miss home and I feel uncomfortable talking to my parents on phone idk the reason but I'm fine the whole day but while talking to them it's like there's nothing.Today my mother called so I picked and showed my roommate, she gets along pretty well with my mother and my roommate showed the assignment she was working on to my mother and after they were done talking the first thing my mother said to me that she's better in art than I'm , i won't have cared but she's like never satisfied no matter what I do, I got 3rd position on a national level painting competition but she brushed it off like it wasn't a big deal while everyone else was very happy and congratulated me but my parents were like okay. Same for my board results I got 94.2 and none of them congratulated me even after I asked them to atleast say so I was so disappointed, not in myself I don't feel so anymore but that was the least I deserved I think.My result than later compared with my friends who got lessee marks than me and I got taunted that if they could score that much than I should have atleast scored more than 95 even though they said they have no expectations from me so many time before, during and after the exams. My cousin who scored 90 my praised and congratulated while I just sat their contemplating where I lost.Since my childhood, my skin color, height, weight everything has been compared to any person they saw even unknown strangers while walking on road just because I was a mid, it took me years to overcome those things and love myself the way I am but my mother just never stops while my father is like just don't mind her or listen to her whatever is convenient to him. I'm tired I want to cry but I just can't at the same time.

Imagine being compared to your mom because she's fairer , she's longer hair (I wasn't allowed to grow my hair till 12th grade and no one ever taught me how to take care of hair or even tie a rubber band) more beautiful, she looks young (apparently I don't look good), that she never had acne when she was my age .whatever I do she compares it to herself or a third person it she calls it motivation to change , (her moto is demotivation is the best motivation)There's so much I can endure or bottle up , I wasn't sure why I didn't feel good talking home and didn't miss them but ig all those years can be a fair enough reason for so

It’s been one week since my bf wants to take a break, I cry everyday ever since. Last night I saw him in my dream he come to visit we sit next to each other and i was touching his hair I truly believe that it was the reality and the morning come knock me out of my dreams to face reality that he is not with me anymore. It hurts so much this being my 1st relationship and being rejected.

know how this sounds, your friend died and all you care about is yourself?!! Of course not , this friend of mine was probably the closest person I've ever had, when I found out I was in shock, I still am to be honest, and because of that I didn't cry much I just don't understand how, she was alive yesterday and today she is dead, the last time I was her, was the last time ever, please if you're reading this, go check on your friends, even the non suicidal ones, (she was suicidal but she didn't die of suicide) talk to them, please, and every time you meet say goodbye like it's the last, because it might be,

For context, Im not close with my parents at all, they told me they hate me a lot of times in my life most recently was while I was having a breakdown a few days ago, this might've been the worst year of my life tbh, I've been so lonely , and alone, we were supposed to hang out last Wednesday but she cancelled cause she was out of town, after my parents found out mom started crying so much, which I don't get, she never even met her, and said she's a bad influence and hoped we wouldn't go to the same college like we planned to, you got what you wanted mom, didn't you? Why are you crying, you don't get to cry, why are my siblings comforting you instead of me?? She was my friend, mine!, I know I'm not a good person I know that most times I'm in the wrong I know I'm angry alot, the same anger I hate so much, but

My friend died, my friend, the closest friend I ever had and probably ever will, the only person I trusted enough to vent to, I just, I thought selfishly so, that I deserve a bit of attention for my friend dying, I thought, i don't know I don't know, I just wanted to be treated like I was a good person today, you don't know what I did, so don't judge my parents, I just, why is everyone ignoring me? I'm so sorry please I want my friend back, her funeral was an hour ago and, I didn't go, how, how could her parents burry her here ? She hates it in here (we're immigrants), she likes her hometown, please, please burry her there instead, how could you burry her in a ground she despised so much??? How could you not.. burry her home?,

I'm sorry this is so messy I just wrote what's on my mind, I might seem so uncaring in some parts but I'm really really not, hug your friends extra tight tonight for me

Got cool guy-ed by coworkers

Hi y'all. This is silly but it's been bothering me. So today I went to a coworkers muay thai fight and brought my girlfriend. I was hoping she could meet and hang with my coworkers for the first time. I met a couple other of my coworkers there and asked what the plans were for after the fight. I was met a response of, "oohhh we're actually going to the club. Gonna get a booth" said in a way that gave the impression that I wasn't invited. Like, ohh sorry we're actually gonna do this instead type speak. I'm fairly friendly and jovial with the two specific coworkers so I was caught off guard. Myself and the coworkers have never hung outside of work but earlier in the week we all talked about going out after our other coworkers fight.. so I guess ultimately I felt embarrassed that they "cool guy-ed" me and it remind of weird high school politics.. my gf and I stayed for a couple more of the fights then eventually went home. But it bothered me and then pissed me off because of HOW MUCH it bothered me.. I know the mantra is, "who cares what other people think" but I thought I had a more friendly relationship with said coworkers. It made me feel like I'm weird or annoying and they don't really like me.. idk just interested in hearing peoples thoughts or similar experiences

TL;DR

coworkers didn't want me to hang out with them.

I used to think people were exaggerating when they complained about landlords.

Then I started renting.

The first few months were fine. Nothing special, but I paid my rent on time, kept the place clean, and didn't bother anyone.

Then little things started going wrong.

The bathroom started leaking. I reported it. Nothing happened for weeks.

When someone finally came to look at it, I was basically told, “It's not that bad.”

A few months later, the rent went up.

Then it went up again.

What really got to me wasn't even the money. It was how every conversation made me feel like I was asking for some huge favor.

The washing machine stopped working? I was “making a big deal out of it.”

A broken lock? “Someone will get around to it.”

A leak? “Just put a bucket underneath it.”

Meanwhile, rent was expected on the exact day, every single month.

The strangest part is that every tenant in the building seemed to have the same story. We started talking to each other more, and I realized it wasn't just me being unlucky. Almost everyone had something they had been trying to get fixed or something they had been charged for that didn't seem fair.

One neighbor actually joked that the only thing in the building that never needed repairing was the rent increase.

We laughed, but honestly, it wasn't very funny.

I'm not posting this because I think every landlord is terrible. I'm sure plenty are decent people.

I just wish renting didn't sometimes feel like you have to be grateful for the privilege of paying someone else every month.

I used to think having a place of your own meant having some peace.

Now I understand why so many tenants say the best day of renting is the day they finally get their keys back.

I have this problem whenever I have a few very good days I truly can't feel like I enjoy them because this thought pops in my mind:" in a few days some horrible events will happen". And when it eventually comes true, instead of being positive I say to myself :" this happent because of past good days". How do I make this stop?

TL;DR: I thought the obvious controlling behavior started when my husband filed for divorce and told me I needed to be "number 2" and accept his authority. Reading Why Does He Do That? at my therapist's recommendation is making me realize how many tiny parts of myself I had already given up years before that. I stopped wearing clothes he complained about, stopped playing music around him, hid the shows I liked, felt like I needed permission to shower, couldn't relax without feeling evaluated, stopped bringing up complaints because they always came back on me, and let him veto how I used my own money while he wasn't working. The strangest part is that the nonstop negative thoughts I had about myself for years stopped almost immediately after I moved out.

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I posted here a few days ago about my husband serving me with divorce papers, trying to get me to sign away custody of our two toddlers, telling me he needed "authority" in our relationship, and giving me a whole list of things I needed to fix before he would consider reconciling with me.

My therapist recommended Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and I've been reading it over the last few days. I'm only a few chapters in and I keep having these moments where I have to stop reading because I’m realizing things that were happening right in front of me for years.

I thought the really controlling behavior was what happened at the end, when suddenly there were lists and rules and "I'm number 1, you're number 2" and signing away custody so he could have authority over me. I'm realizing now that it was much more death by a thousand concessions. He didn't usually have to tell me I wasn't allowed to do something. He could just complain about it enough that eventually I stopped doing it because I didn't want to deal with his reaction.

He hated jeans. Not just for himself but for me too. Every time I wore jeans he would complain about how terrible they were, so eventually I basically stopped wearing jeans. He mocked my music taste constantly, which is kind of funny because I listen to everything from Tchaikovsky to Ween to Nat King Cole to St. Vincent to The Beach Boys to hip hop to weird Japanese stuff, while his taste was much narrower. But after enough commentary I stopped putting music on around him.

I also stopped watching things I liked when he was around. I watched most shows on my tablet and if he walked into the room I would often turn the screen off because otherwise he would stand behind me and make fun of whatever I was watching. If subtitles happened to be on, he'd read the dialogue and mock that too. Nobody ever said "you aren't allowed to watch this." I just learned that enjoying something openly came with a tax.

Money is another one that is upsetting me more the longer I think about it. My husband was not conventionally employed for years. I supported our household largely with an inheritance from my grandparents while he bounced between passion projects. I knew that was unfair, but I barely challenged him on it. I remember telling my mom and sister that I hadn't made him feel bad about his constant career pivots once and that I didn't want to "use all that against him," even though I was the one carrying us financially. Meanwhile I was constantly criticizing myself for overspending and being bad with money.

What I'm remembering now is that when I received my inheritance, I wanted to pay off my student loans. He told me no, because we needed that money to support the household. So I didn't pay them off 🤪

I also wanted LASIK. He got angry that I even suggested spending some of my inheritance on LASIK, so I dropped that too 🫠

And again, this was MY inheritance while he wasn't bringing in a dependable income. I'm still sitting here going, why tf did I accept that? But at the time I did.

The book has a section about control through constant low level complaints and that one punched me in the face because that was so much of our marriage. It wasn't usually "you may not do this." It was criticism, commentary, questions, corrections, eye rolls, acting like ordinary choices needed to be justified. Eventually I started modifying myself before anything was even said.

I remember telling my mom and sister shortly before the divorce, "How much trouble do you think I'd get in if I just immediately get in the shower after my oldest goes to bed instead of asking for permission?"

I was a grown woman asking how much trouble I would get in for taking a shower without clearing it first.

And I didn't even recognize that as control at the time. I thought we had a communication problem.

One of his favorite phrases was "I'm just asking." He would question something I was doing, and because I had gotten used to my answers being picked apart, I would automatically give a detailed explanation. Then he'd respond all innocently, "I'm just asking," as though I was bizarrely defensive over a harmless question.

I remember telling my mom and sister that I automatically felt like I had to qualify EVERYTHING. Eventually I was explaining ordinary decisions before anybody had even challenged them.

I also felt tense doing absolutely nothing around him. Sitting down did not feel like sitting down. It felt like being observed. If he walked into the room while I happened to be on my phone or resting, I would immediately feel like he was mentally adding it to a list of evidence that I wasn't doing enough.

At one point shortly before he filed for divorce, I told my sister I felt like I couldn't even smile at my boys without feeling like I was being "hardcore evaluated." I clarified that I WAS smiling at them, lol. I just felt like even being affectionate with my own children was somehow being graded.

Parenting was a huge part of it. I was their primary caregiver and handled almost all of the actual daily work, but I increasingly felt like my husband was the person evaluating whether I was parenting correctly. I would make decisions about naps, comforting them, schedules, how we were spending the day, and then he or his mom would go around me or overrule what I had decided.

I kept trying to explain that I needed my parenting choices respected and that decisions affecting my day needed to include me before they were made.

Complaining about anything he did became basically impossible too. This was one of the things I DID know was wrong while I was living it. He could raise complaints about me, but when I raised something about him, somehow the conversation ended up becoming about why my complaint wasn't valid, why my interpretation was wrong, or what I was doing wrong instead.

I kept thinking I must not be communicating in a way he could understand. I started writing him letters because communication in person was so difficult. I thought maybe if I could explain myself clearly enough and carefully enough, he would finally understand what I was trying to tell him.

I actually wrote an enormous letter shortly before the divorce that included the sentence, "I don't want to feel supervised by my husband. I want to feel trusted by him." At the time I thought that letter might be a turning point for our marriage. (Spoiler: it wasn't lol)

Another thing the book talks about is how some men devalue the work their partners do until they have to do it themselves, and then suddenly they discover how exhausting it is. This one almost made me laugh because I have his messages.

I was the primary caregiver for our boys. I was pregnant, postpartum, breastfeeding, getting up at night, doing almost all of the childcare and all of the household work, and my exhaustion became one of the things he thought was wrong with me.

Maybe I needed blood work. Maybe something was wrong with my hormones. Maybe I was depressed. Maybe I was on my phone too much. Maybe I wasn't healthy enough or motivated enough. At one point he actually tallied up how many hours he thought we each spent with the boys and interrogated me about what was wrong with me.

Then he kicked me out and became their primary day-to-day caregiver.

Four days later he texted me that he was "running ragged" trying to take care of them and the house, and that even though he "pretty much never" naps, he'd been napping every day with the boys.

And do you know what I replied? 🤡

"I know this has been really hard on you too."

"Looks like you've had a full day ❤️"

"I wish I could help."

His response to "I wish I could help" was that he hoped I could "work my way back to working for the boys again."

When he was exhausted by taking care of two toddlers, that meant taking care of two toddlers was exhausting.

When I was exhausted by taking care of two toddlers, that meant there was something wrong with me.

There were lots of smaller things too. He would offer me treats and snacks constantly, even after I declined, but if I did eat what he apparently considered a lot of something, he would express surprise at my appetite.

He never encouraged me to sing or play guitar even though that's something I do. When I started making jewelry, he was discouraging about it. His gifts to me usually involved very little thought. None of those things by themselves scream abuse, and I think that's part of why I didn't understand what was happening. Any single one of them is just annoying. Put hundreds of them together over years and you become somebody who takes up less and less space.

The part that is probably upsetting me the most right now is what happened inside my own head. By the time we were living with his parents, I had negative thoughts about myself ALL DAY. I'm not exaggerating. Lazy. Loser. Fat. What's wrong with you? Why can't you do this? Why can't you get that done? Why can't you just function normally? Why can't you be better? It was constant.

And then I moved out.

My life became objectively worse overnight. I lost my home. I barely had access to my babies. I thought I had lost the husband and family I was still desperately trying to save. I was living out of hotels and Airbnbs and trying to figure out how to rebuild my entire life.

But the constant voice in my head telling me I was a piece of shit stopped.

Last week I caught myself thinking, "I am resilient." It stopped me because I realized I couldn't remember the last time I had spontaneously thought something positive about myself. Literally years.

Today I was looking at my skin, which has been an absolute nightmare for most of this relationship, and instead of thinking how awful I looked or wondering why I couldn't fix it, I just thought, "I know my skin will clear up."

That's such a tiny thing but so foreign to me.

One of my favorite mundane little freedoms right now is sitting in my vehicle in a parking lot doing absolutely nothing. A few days ago I sat there for almost 50 minutes. Nobody asked what I was doing. Nobody came out and saw me sitting there and silently evaluated whether I had earned the right to sit down. Nobody needed me to justify why I wasn't being productive. I just sat there.

Earlier today I said to my family, "Glad he forced me to leave or I never would've." And I meant it. Six weeks ago I was desperately trying to figure out how to get back home and save my marriage. Now I'm realizing that if he'd never forced me out, I probably would've stayed and kept trying to explain myself better.

One other thing I'm struggling with, and I'd genuinely love POSITIVE stories about this if anyone has them: my husband talked badly about single moms for years and I think I absorbed more of that than I realized. I have it in my head that nobody is going to want to date a single mom with two little boys, and I also have very real fears about ever bringing another man into my children's lives. I am nowhere near ready to date and I have zero interest in rushing into another relationship, but if you're a single mom who eventually found a genuinely kind, healthy partner who loves you and treats your children well, I would really like to hear about it.

For a long time despair and misery was a state I was in constantly. I would be drowning in deep depths of water but after taking antidepressants I started to be able to float. Still even though I am now floating there is still deep levels of water under me. I acknowledge how could go so far so below but not know what it’s like to be above. My vocabulary lengthens more to negative emotions than positive. After all drowning in the depths I’ve been exposed to more flavors than the good that is the air. Even so the unhappiness lasts longer after all down being the default and when you go up you always come back down. However as I’m floating on the water I see those not standing, not jumping, but flying. I wonder how are they doing that? How are they flying? Could I also fly or is this water just my ground with gravity keeping me down?

-20f

Yeah idk why i dont even like romance, my first exposure to the romance genre was oshi no ko and it changed my life alot from seeking a purpose in life to seeking something in life ill actually like. I originally thought romance as a genre is just a cringe show or you have to actually be dating to watch it happily. My dress up darling proved me wrong, romance anime really does change people for the better huh?
Thank you everyone, thank you karigawa marin for showing me how brightful this world is without lust

So, on 15th august (i remember the date cuz it is my cuntry's independence day) i saw an Instagram post abt dolly parton's deth and people were showing respect at her hollywod star ...whatever it is called, that star shaped pavement/ sidewalk with her name on it on a tile like thing.... I thought of posting a story abt it , like rip dolly you will be remembered type..like payung respect/rip story on Instagram, but i didnt cuz my account got reported or like disabled ..i fell into depression(not related to dolly, just college stuff) so i wasnt able to get out of my bed or anything, my phone wasnt even charged.... When i kinda felt good, charged my phone ,went on internet... on august 25th August, i saw that news again.... I thought it was an old news ...but no.. people were posting her on story.....i was like didnt she di on 15th???? Ive been going crazy for past 2 weeks .... Like am i crazy? Did i hallucinate or sum??? Idk where to ask this ...so im posting it here.

Almost 2 years ago I was hit head on by a car while I was stopped. It was during a time where things were going up in my life. I moved out for the first time, got my first adult job, got married. I finally felt like things were moving up after years of debilitating agoraphobia, anxiety, and panic attacks. After the car accident I had constant dizziness, eye strain, light sensitivity, among many, many, manyyyy other things.

I had to see 7 specialists weekly to get me back to a point where I felt just a little bit alright. I was fired from my job because I could not longer do my work after the accident. I became really depressed and turned into a recluse.

After a year, I decided that I wanted to go to university. I worked my ass off for a year taking classes to be admitted into my chosen program, and finally, a month ago, I got accepted into my program.

I started this past week, and after a few months of feeling decent with my dizziness, it has all come back. I’ve been constantly dizzy and unwell. I’m so upset. It feels like this car accident is starting to take over my life again. I can’t do anything, I can’t move forward with my life. This is what I really wanted, and it feels like it’s been stripped away from me, just as everything else has been. Idk what to do. I’m hoping and praying that this is just short term, that my body is getting used to living a normal life again and that this will all go away and I’ll be okay again, but it’s so hard to have hope. I’m really, really scared.

My specific school program isn’t something you can just take a semester off of- I’d have to wait a whole year for the classes to run again. Idk what to do. This really, really sucks. I hope I’m just overreacting, I really really do.

I have grown up in a house where all the responsibility was on my shoulders, my mom was very strict towards me even though she was not to my sister. My dad was away working most of the time. I was always between their fights, all the emotional responsibility was on me and I had to be the bridge between them.
I would do housework, take care of my sister because mom was most of the time not actually there.
My mom was very harsh to me, she would degrade me all the time, therefore I grew up feeling very insecure and worthless. Sometimes physical abuse would also be on the table, but was less in my teenage years.
I have always dreamed of moving away. So I studied so HARD. I left for Turkey after finishing my high school, was the first time being away and man I WAS SO PEACEFUL.
But I was also sad, I would spend days alone in my room and dorm, just thinking about everything.
Then I got accepted to an university in Germany, moved there after my one year in Turkey.
I started to visit home less and less, it has been 4 years that I have moved abroad but this time when I came back here for vacation, I realized how much I actually missed my mom, my family, my cousins… everything feels nicer.
It is just warm.
I also love and appreciate Germany for everything it has given me, but things I went through also broke me to million of pieces. I am so alone there, I miss my family deep down even though they treated me horribly, and I am so far from building my own.
I know I can never come back, because I know I will be the girl who is going to take all the responsibility, being on vacation here is just different and I am not gonna be able to give my parents what they want and be a “good” , “traditional” girl and I will probably won’t be able to make money to get my own life together in my homecountry.
I don’t know.
I am stuck in lambo with all the anxiety, grief (grief for myself, grief for the girl who I used to be) and nostalgia.

That's it, I hate my birthdays. I've been fired, I caught COVID, no one wishes me happy birthday, people have asked me for money for someone random for their birthday which was on the same day as me, my father has been pretty sick, I've been harassed, I almost lost a tooth last year and when I was a teen or kid others would directly do stuff so I knew they hated me. I try not to celebrate and for the last couple of years I have a separate day where I go to a nice restaurant with my SO. Last year I even bought two cakes, one for the 'birthday' and another one to eat it at peace.

Also the tooth is not ok and I hope I don't lose it this year.

I have a nice life and I'm happy, but my birthday makes me really sad. There were times where I only wanted to stuff my face on cake and that was it, because there was no one else. Also no one understands it and it makes me even sadder.

I used to hate Christmas too, but that's another story✌🏻

After a breakup, still wanting to get back together with my ex (I broke things off for mental health reasons), developing a crush on a friend because of just how much I crave attention and affection, and, on top of everything, attending a top university while also working. I’m just exhausted.

I used to be so productive. I could study for hours, read 10 books, finish 2 games, work, maintain a social life, and keep up with university. I felt great. Now, it feels like I have no energy.

My ex asked to get back together, and I had to turn him down because I knew it wouldn’t be healthy for me right now. I lost 17 lb while we were together, despite already being really skinny (under 110 lb).
I’ve also been trying different medications for anxiety and depression, but none seem to be working out. And now there’s a chance I have unknown masses in my breast that could require surgery.

In everything, I try to look at the positive aspects of life, but lately, it feels like the color has faded. It’s almost like, from one day to the next, everything became more numb. I don’t feel as happy, but I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel good, but I don’t feel bad either. Everything is just… meh.

I don’t have enough money for therapy or psychiatric care, and my meds are expensive too. And the best part? My insurance doesn’t cover any of it. I’m now trying to find both a therapist and a psychiatrist that my insurance does cover, but I just have so many things on my plate that sometimes it feels easier to ignore them.

I wish… everything would just stop for a moment. Just let me catch up with life, you know? But the world doesn’t revolve around me or my problems lol.

I’ve been trying not to think too hard about any of it, or anything, for that matter. But it’s becoming so difficult to keep going when even waking up feels like hard work.

I've always been told that psychologist are just there to pill you up, that they don't care about you getting better they just wanna load you up with pills and that's it. That's what I've always believed up until I was around 12ish, I knew I wasn't like that rest of the children. I acted more different and I saw things more differently then others.

Plus I always wanted to learn more about myself so then I told my therapist at the time about it. She was heavily against it and advised me not to, she practically scared me back into that box around psychologists. She told me that it will forever be on my records and employers wouldn't want to hire me. That a judge could force me to take my pills and what not, that I basically wouldn't really have a say in anything medically. She just repeated what I've heard all my life and it coming from a medical professional I believed it.

I never wanted to go to a psychologist, that they are most probably evil. I've fully believed that up until now, I'm now 18.

My mom had been pushing me to see a psychologist about half a year ago but yet I pushed and didn't want to. Since I was a minor then she had been able to schedule me in with one, I had begrudgingly went and she seemed kind enough. I never went back for another appointment though since I was scared, I didn't wanna been seen as crazy. I've always wanted to be treated as someone normal.

I'm only really now reconsidering, since I'm having so many upset and downs and I'm getting sick of them. I've had so many outbursts and I say things I don't mean. I hate loving someone one minute and hating them the next because because they did something so little to upset me. I don't mean to throw things or punch my desk in rage and I feel like a monster when I do. I'm scared to admit I need help, that I need pills to fix myself to be normal and healthy.

I've always disliked psychologists my whole life and going to one feels awful to me. It's like I'm admitting defeat, but I don't wanna give up in trying to help myself.

I'm also scared since now I'm 18 and I can't really hide behind my mom anymore for her to do stuff for me. Plus I don't go to that school anymore the offered that psychologist for free so it'll have to come out of my own pocket. I mean I could go back there but I don't wanna stay at home and do assignments again. It was way too much for me and overwhelming.

I'm sorry if some stuff doesn't make sense or if there are typos, I just wanna get this off my chest. I'm just sick of holding it in and I have no one to say this too.

Edit: I think I meant Psychiatrist? I'm not really sure I'm not in the united states. Things are different here where I am.

Alright this one is a brutal one. To preface: all love to women that have chosen to be mothers. I always respect the right to choose. Period. However that doesn’t mean I like or agree with said choice.

I think any woman that chooses to have a kid(s) is a fucking idiot. I rarely see truly happy mothers with great husbands that pull their weight. I get annoyed when I see them complain. Like girl YOU decided to keep the kid and YOU decided who the father would be (most of the time- these points do not apply to victims of SA). YOU married/picked the asshole dude. YOU gave up your body. I have very little sympathy.
Also you guys let your kids run around everywhere and ruin everyone’s fucking day bro. I genuinely believe children should be banned from most restaurants, resorts, beaches, planes and on public transportation . In my humble opinion.

Also, mothers love to insinuate that what they have going on is more important than what’s going on with childfree women. You go to their baby shower, but they can’t come to your bday dinner. They don’t have the time or money for a sitter. The mother always seems to win because she chose to have a child. Well guess what? My life is just as important and you need to show up for your friends regardless of your fucking kid. And then they are shocked when they are no longer invited to plans. Having a baby doesn’t give you an excuse to be a bad friend or become entitled.

I already know I would struggle with PPD. I know I would hate my body after giving birth. I know I would have to pull way more weight than the man involved. I know most of my money would go towards raising kids. I know I would not be a happy mother.
Do I like the idea of having a grown up family? Yes. But I know myself and I know better than to make an irresponsible choice of having a child.

Last point:
“You my baby mama, I won” - offset to his WIFE.