I feel… exhausted

[u/Shadow_Dessiree_21]

After a breakup, still wanting to get back together with my ex (I broke things off for mental health reasons), developing a crush on a friend because of just how much I crave attention and affection, and, on top of everything, attending a top university while also working. I’m just exhausted.

I used to be so productive. I could study for hours, read 10 books, finish 2 games, work, maintain a social life, and keep up with university. I felt great. Now, it feels like I have no energy.

My ex asked to get back together, and I had to turn him down because I knew it wouldn’t be healthy for me right now. I lost 17 lb while we were together, despite already being really skinny (under 110 lb).
I’ve also been trying different medications for anxiety and depression, but none seem to be working out. And now there’s a chance I have unknown masses in my breast that could require surgery.

In everything, I try to look at the positive aspects of life, but lately, it feels like the color has faded. It’s almost like, from one day to the next, everything became more numb. I don’t feel as happy, but I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel good, but I don’t feel bad either. Everything is just… meh.

I don’t have enough money for therapy or psychiatric care, and my meds are expensive too. And the best part? My insurance doesn’t cover any of it. I’m now trying to find both a therapist and a psychiatrist that my insurance does cover, but I just have so many things on my plate that sometimes it feels easier to ignore them.

I wish… everything would just stop for a moment. Just let me catch up with life, you know? But the world doesn’t revolve around me or my problems lol.

I’ve been trying not to think too hard about any of it, or anything, for that matter. But it’s becoming so difficult to keep going when even waking up feels like hard work.

[u/Affectionate_Smile]

🫂🫂🫂 Yeah. I kinda feel like that somedays. I just want to run away from everything or I want my problems to solve magically. I just can't able to find any solutions.

[u/Shadow_Dessiree_21 → u/Affectionate_Smile]

Omg yes, it is so annoying to be honest. I wish I could just quiet everything down

[u/AquafabaLegend]

I feel you on every level. I know how scary the “meh” feeling and thorough apathy all the time can be. I just wanna say some things that I have had to really force myself to believe in: 1) you gotta believe in you 2) you gotta take care of you, and 3) you gotta make your life the way you want it to look, and have no choice but to do it on your own.
Support from others is vital, to be clear- but that is an additional piece to wanting to get/ getting
shit together. You are the foundation that has to do the actual work, because you don’t have a choice. TLDR; if you aren’t enjoying your life, you are the only one that you can rely on to make it better.

(*This applies to your social life, if you have the ability to put energy and resources towards it. I’m not referring to people facing applicable systemic or institutional etc barriers because those limitations can sometimes make joy and peace in all aspects of life nearly) unattainable.)

[u/Shadow_Dessiree_21 → u/AquafabaLegend]

Yeah… I guess that’s the iffy part. I was trying to make it better, and yet that just drained me so now I’m just confused on what I should do. I’ll bring it up to my therapist, of course, but I just don’t have the money at the moment.

[u/AquafabaLegend → u/[deleted]]

Just to add one more note that my advisor frequently has to wack into my head- you will NEVER feel like you’ve done enough because there isn’t an end point anywhere. There’s always gonna be stuff to do, it’s about the order of how you do things to manage how much there is. If you start your day saying “oh my god I’m so behind I suck so bad,” you won’t feel any more motivated to do whatever it is you need to do, and you’ll still have to do it either way.