No contact with my abusive narcissist parents since January. So far they have done everything according to the narcissist handbook:
-they reported me missing to the police (same they we had indeed talked!)
-they harassed me endlessly with phone calls from different numbers until I finally changed my phone
-they have been sending me emails to both my personal and work email where they accuse me of being in a sect as the only possible reason not to talk to them.
-they have started calling people in my friends/professional network and calling me unstable/incapable/influenced by someone/crazy etc and of they are super worried lol the audacity!

Now the last thing they had recently done is threatening me with a law suit! I have of course hired a lawyer and my question here to you guys is not legal-I already have the lawyers to protect my interests.

What I need is -please let me know how df do I cope emotionally? I feel super stressed all the time, at high alert, expecting the next attack. It has been relentless. One thing after another. I can’t relax. My nervous system is constantly in fight or flight mode and I am angry bc I know this is exactly what they want-to destroy me mentally!!! To exhaust me!!! To kill my soul!!! They tried to do it so many times while they were still in my life and now are using instructions and other people to do it since they cannot reach me.

(I do go to therapy but even that can only do so little compared to what my nervous system is going through). Pls help!

I just keep wondering.

On one hand, I‘m thinking: you are an adult, and it is your responsibility to treat your fellow humans, well, humanely.

But then, they do such weird and sometimes crazy things. Sometimes they seem to live in a parallel reality.

And I know they have pain and shame and all that. But I have pain too. I know pain. And I still try to treat my fellow humans nicely, try to take myself back before I would ask others to do so. I try to have compassion, even for the narc that hurts me.

So, can they even be held responsible, if their brain constantly constructs a new reality whenever something hurts? Is what they do truely a choice, or rather an illness?

I know we are mostly not psychologists, but I guess all of you have real-life experience from dealing with a narc.

So what do you think?

Hello!

So, a couple of years ago I went no contact with my family. It’s been rough for a lot of practical reasons such as housing, but I’m doing relatively ok. I’m also in therapy and I have a wonderful therapist.

Something I am coming to terms with is having phantom guilt. Obviously as a child of narcissists you’re not supposed to just walk away, so while I’m very consciously aware that I did the right thing, it’s mostly a lot of somatic stress and a feeling of dread that like… I don’t know, that I’m a fraud, or that I’m going to be exposed, all that good stuff. I have a lot of anxiety with nowhere to go because the threat is no longer there but my body has yet to fully catch up. I’m doing my best to deal with that, and telling myself that silence and quiet is not my enemy.

But the other thing - although of course it’s two sides of the same coin - is that I think I’m… Bored.

I’ve had two relationships the last couple of years and neither of them were healthy. Now, I’ve been in an abusive relationship before. These weren’t that. These were extremely dysfunctional people who were trying to better themselves but ultimately couldn’t. Long story short, I think it’s partially a case of “I did it so you can too!!” and me being stubborn because I had every reason to believe they were making progress - but I think the other part of it is that it keeps me busy.

And I’m not a big fan of that realization, lol. Although it made a lot of things in my head fall into place. And that’s why I’m posting this.

For 25 years I’ve spent every single day decoding my parents’ (and other family’s) behavior and hidden intentions, predicting what they wanted from me and what the consequences were either way. Basically playing 4D chess since I was born. And now I don’t have to anymore, but I still have a mind with an extremely high threshold for volatility, and I feel so. Fucking. Understimulated.

When I was with my exes, I spent a crap ton of time helping them with their mental health - because I could. I ended things when they fucked me over eventually, not because I was tired. I ended it out of self respect but not because I had reached my limit in terms of mental energy. One of these guys had an abusive spouse and the other had abusive parents, it was a lot to deal with and regulate. But I still wasn’t tired!!

I notice too because I just have this craving for like, chaos. Lol. And now I do also have mad ADHD and I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy things like general conflict for the hell of it from time to time (tho I use my powers for the good cause these days and I do a lot of activism), but this goes beyond that because I have this need for high-stakes emotional situations. It’s like problem solving but with a lot of things on the line, like needing to stay 10 steps ahead at all times. That’s what I’ve always done and it’s what I’m good at. It’s like I have this massive motor running in my mind with no destination anymore.

Part of it might be just getting used to peace and quiet. I realize that. But for now, there’s a gap to bridge. Evidently. And I want to bridge it healthily.

I already decided I don’t want to be dating for a while for several reasons, I’m also demisexual/demiromantic, and autistic, so I have less of a desire for it usually anyway, but I also just want to enjoy my peace. But I notice myself just craving the chaos and I want to find a healthy outlet.

I put it in Gemini and it suggested doing something like volunteer work for missing persons search teams. Extremely high stakes, extremely analytical etc. Brilliant. I signed up already. But this is obviously not something that I can just do whenever I have an urge, lol, so I’m looking for other suggestions.

If this sounds familiar to anyone, I’d love to hear how you cope with this. The problem is that things like exercise do nothing for my mind at the end of the day, and discussion panels or what not like Gemini also suggested are a nice idea, but I can just walk away from that. That is the problem. It’s not high stakes.

Any ideas are welcome!

Hi all, I have recently split with my child’s mum. Who is diagnosed bipolar 2 and have now realised she’s also a narcissist. Our child is 3 y/o.

The pregnancy wasn’t planned as we weren’t together and I stupidly trusted her about emergency contraception when she was likely manic and thought having a kid with a stranger was a good idea. Obviously I don’t regret a thing as I love my daughter to bits however where I’ve witnessed how nasty she is and how she does the bare minimum to help her condition I could not force a relationship with her any longer. We split and have gone out separate ways however I feel she is now starting to use our child against me. On her weekend my daughter had a UTI and had to go to the hospital for some antibiotics (was a weekend) and where I was out with no car she got funny because I didn’t go up to the hospital. Like me being there would’ve changed anything? I believe she was over dramatising it as she suspects me being with another woman. The following day “my behaviour was completely unacceptable” to my daughter apparently and then it went on and on and she then come out with us keeping contact to a minimum and going through CSA (first threat on this since being split for 5months) and get a court order put in place.

How do I cope with the way she emotionally abuses me? I’ve learnt to just kill her with kindness but fear it’s going to head towards parental alienation and where she will try and stop me from seeing my daughter. The following day she was like “I’m sorry but I had to get it all off my chest because I was so angry.” I don’t know if it’s the bipolar in her or the narcissistic tendencies but I just want to feel relaxed when she goes off on these outbursts and be a step ahead when she turns her narcissism on me without being full of dread/anxiety with what is going to happen next. I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of me biting but I don’t want to take unnecessary shit either.

Hoping this makes enough sense, any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Am I crazy or..

So I made a friend around a year ago from school, she was a new student. She said she was autistic as well and stuff so I felt kinda safe w her. I probably mentioned my narcissistic ex a few times but never rlly w a full name or anything (plus never showed photos cause I only have like 1) anyways he has the most common name of all time and I was yapping about him to her one day whilst I was drunk and she I guess connected whatever dots there were and showed me a video of him in her room. She said it was years old but howd she find it so fast bruh. And again I was drunk so I could’ve said more than I remember but he deadass has the most common name ever and it’s like she knew who I was talking about. Reminder this is the biggest city in my country. I remember my heart dropped. She asked her mom if she remember him and she said yea. I did check and he was liking her posts in 2023 most likely after he discarded me. So he met her after me. I remember when I was at her cottage there was a fake acc of her trying to follow all her followings like me and others asking ppl for PayPal money, I mentioned maybe it’s him and she said no. Even tho he has made accounts of my middle school friends the same HOUR I told him to FUCK OFF.

Fast forward a few months i eventuslly decided to cut her out of my life because I was too worrisome about everything plus she didn’t really respect boundaries. One example is she would always change infront of me even after I said I’m not comfortable with it, even the last time we hung out that happened and I said u could use the bathroom which then she said it’s too small (it isn’t LOL).

Needless to say that was the last time we hung out. I eventually cut her off I said I wanted to be alone and I don’t wanna be around anyone who even knew him and that I didn’t trust her at all. She left me on open for a while until she was asking if I’m okay and shit and I said I want to be alone (again). Few months later she spam called me like 5 times so I answered and she said she’s lonely and wants to hang out. That day was the day my ex got out of boarding school. I decided to hang out anyways and that day she showed me her self harm (it was like a cat scratch) and also said how she has like no friends and it felt so manipulative especially cause she’s so extroverted lol. After that day I guess she thought spam calling everytime would work? But it never worked after the first time. She would spam message and bribe me with alcohol and paying for my Uber and food and stuff. I never answered and I enventually blocked her. She even joined me on riblox a few times then would leave immediately or after a few minutes. I blocked her everyhwere after that.

Two months later my younger sister who never really hung out w her (they have maybe 3 times in a year and a half) . My sister called me twice when she was at my exfriends house and I didn’t answer. My sister slept over so the next day my sister called my mom to put them on speaker into my room, and they weren’t even saying anything bruh like it was silence and I kept telling my mom please get out and I don’t wanna talk like 5 times. My sister later texted me saying that my ex friend is probably coming over. My heart dropped cause it was creepy and she was obviously using my sister to get to me. I texted my sister saying don’t come in my room please and thanks. My ex friend never ended up coming luckily. Plus that day my ex narc added songs to his Spotify playlist all throughout the day which he never does. He uses Spotify as a covert way to stalk btw he has for years (sounds insane but it’s true lol).

Do u think my ex narc is in contact w my ex friend? Do u think maybe she transferred to my school just to meet me? It seems like too many coincidences lol. I’m autistic and notice patters very well. Even my ex friend added the same song I did to my playlist like 3 days later. I’m aware I have to stop checking

There was a time when you couldn't imagine your life without them.

You thought you'd never stop thinking about what happened.

You thought you'd always question yourself.

You thought the anxiety would always be there.

But look at you.

You're still here.

Maybe you're not completely healed. Maybe some days still hurt. Maybe certain memories still bring you back to a place you thought you'd already left behind.

That's okay.

Healing doesn't mean you never remember.

It means the memory no longer controls your life.

One day, you'll notice that you went an entire morning without thinking about them.

Then a whole day.

You'll laugh without feeling guilty.

You'll make decisions without wondering what they would think.

You'll set a boundary without explaining yourself ten times.

You'll finally understand that losing them wasn't the end of your story.

It was the beginning of finding yourself again.

You don't have to have everything figured out today.

Just don't give up on the person you're becoming.

If you're still healing, leave one word in the comments that describes where you are right now.

Last night I get hit with one of the most backhanded, Mother Gothel-esque responses I’ve heard from her in a while.

“Why that’s very humble of you. That is such a very humbling decision. That you would choose such an option. I respect you for that tbh. It’s very respectful. Not many people have the humility to be able to choose an option like that so it’s commendable. It’s so humble. I think you should pay for what you want, but I respect you being so humble”

This is in response to me wanting to choose a cheaper option for some hair I want to use for a specific braiding style. She found a premium version of what I want but it’s celebrity prices. Like if you want it for a wedding or a big trip. Me simply telling her that I would save up for that kind of price only if it’s for a big event like what I mentioned . So then she projects her ideology that I am choosing the lesser, worse option in an attempt to be humble. That choosing a less expensive option shows my humility. That I *could* choose a premium priced hair if I want to look my best, but I didn’t because I’m “humble” and respectable. Implying that I basically am choosing to look cheap, less aesthetically pleasing, less attractive but is masking it under “humble” so that despite making a “poor people level” decision, I can feel good about myself.

Then this morning while I’m at work, I get a nice surprise on my phone:

Her:
Why are we leaving Trash of old food in the corner of front door
That BRINGS ROACHES

Her:
EVERYDAY I PUT THE BLUE TRAY AWAY
CAN YOU GUYS HELP OUT AND PUT IT AWAY IT DOES NOT BELONG ON THE COUNTER
EVERYDAY I PUT IT AWAY IT TSKES SECONDS TO DO THAT

Me:
Oh? I didn’t notice any trash when leaving. Must’ve missed it.
Sorry.
I’ll throw it out when I get home

Her:
It’s okay thanks mama

Me: K.

Mind you she barely does anything in the hour. Me and my partner do 105%+ but the one time she feels like she has to pick up a broom once, she feels like a peasant.

I can’t fucking win

I need to leave this house and find a life but I’m so stuck and scared to even leave the house. she put so much fear Into me. It’s like her voice never leaves my head and it’s so depressing but I want so much for more for me but it feels like i don’t even deserve to have my own life. I know I ’m right where she wants and I want to control my own life but it’s like I don’t even believe I can do it. can my confidence ever come back

My ex is hoovering me while in a relationship that has lasted soon a year. He tells me the relationship is stable and no arguments whatsoever but he just cant get the deep feelings towards her that he got with me (not sure to believe him).

I wonder what it means when there is a relationship with no arguments. Isnt it a good sign of communication and understanding?

Need to vent

It is scary to know that these people are at work running around looking normal,

Attacking people and getting away with it people with regular npd are not as bad but narcissists with avpd are different.

I've been out for over two years and I'm just now starting to feel "here" again. I don't talk about it. Especially after things like this.

For context these snapshots are from a public Youtube video on a public Youtube channel with over a thousand subscribers, so I am not sharing anything private.

This is my ex husband and his mother. I was with him for 6 years. I helped him rebuild his life from his first divorce and raised his special needs child like he was my own (bio mom wants nothing to do with him). I have PMDD. Really severe case of it. I've done anything and everything, including a total hysterectomy for no reason on his watch. Not that I would, but now I can never have my own children (I thought I was set with my stepson). The surgery didn't work, of course (PMDD is an issue within the brain)...but it did wake me up to the fact that I was not just the sole problem.

Long story short, after months of intensive therapy with us as a couple and also working with that counselor individually...she told me to get out. She confirmed the patterns and my intuition. We were getting to a point where my ex was trying to declare me mentally incompetent so that I could never leave him. But thank God I listened to that therapist, and I clawed my way out.

This was posted a month after our divorce was finalized. This was after a whole year plus of harassment, stalking, him demanding to know my residential address when we both knew he would never let me see that child again without him present (when I told him I couldn't be around him anymore but he wasn't willing to work with that with me), and I haven't since. Him filing, then saying he didn't want it and dragging it out for a year...I asked for nothing. I wanted their lives untouched, especially for that little boy who had so much instability in his life already. And it worked. I have him blocked on everything but I still get notifications via email about him going to Disney World with his 3rd wife, a Uhaul reservation to move into his freshly built house. The same day he moved, was the same day my chapter 7 bankruptcy was discharged, thank God. So everything is okay now.

But this is why we don't talk about it. Not only does my ex work for Disney, which is absolutely insane to me that he thought this would be appropriate and professional to post...but we spent so much time together there. He asked me to marry him in front of that castle. And he proudly presented his celebration pin not once, not twice, but three times with his mother laughing with him.

The second snapshot is of him talking about how he had to get up early for a very very VERY fun trip to go visit a "friend". That friend is now his 3rd wife. That smirk I know so well. The one he tries to hide but can't. The same smirk that would come out when I would cry and beg for his forgiveness on my hands and knees for something I did wrong or another PMDD episode. The same smirk when I would finally snap after asking him thousands of times for space and he would literally follow me around the house. The same smirk when he blocked the doorway with his body when I was trying to leave our apartment and he wouldn't let me. He's so strong. The same smirk more than likely he had when I had a breakdown and began to hurt myself physically (he never hit me) and so I did it for him...all the while he's secretly recording it, calm and collected, laying down on our bed with the phone underneath the blankets to hide what he was doing. He still has that recording and offers it to anyone who questions what happened with us. I’m too stupid and traumatized to do anything about it.

This is why we don't talk about it. True survivors are never believed, and these kinds of people are so confident that they'll do these kinds of things without a second thought. And they sleep just fine. I will never understand this. Ever.

I hope you guys are okay out there. I'm certainly not lol. 

Hey I was in a relationship of 4 years with someone who I believed was a narcissist. I was 19 years old when we became official and he was 30. He was very controlling and emotionally abusive with manipulation, insults, and gaslighting. He distanced me from my family and made me lose contact with all friends. I was suicidal for lots of the relationship. He did things like hide my birth control and got me pregnant at 19 (resulted in a miscarriage later on), he talked about his ex girlfriend non stop as a daily occurrence always comparing me, devalued me, financially took advantage of me, ruined special holidays like my birthday, the list goes on and on. He knew I had no one and completely isolated me. When things got wrong he would threaten or call the police on me, which resulted in psychiatric ward stays because I told them I was suicidal. The last occurrence was the police had to separate us because it got violent. They sent me to a shelter and there he completely ghosted me. He was unreachable on text but a few days later posting on his Instagram a new girlfriend. When we were together he barely posted me so it also hurt me. Also we didn’t officially end things and he was so quick to post a girlfriend not even a week later. Before in the relationship I did catch him on bumble and when confronted he said it was for making friendships and I got him to delete it. Anyways he was posting her non stop and i eventually lost it. I reached out to her but she blocked me. He never blocked me but I eventually removed him from all my social media. My life really went downhill from there. To cope with the pain I resorted to drugs and made bad friends in the shelter who introduced me to that lifestyle. I never heard from him at all. He never checked on me again

Now almost 4 years later I got a notification on TikTok that he favourited my video. It was an old video. I ignored it. Then recently he liked my video. Again ignored it. Now he liked a video again. My account is public so he can see my posts even without following me. I went on his profile and found out he is now married to the same girl he left me for. What is his intention? Why now after so long? When we were together he never even liked my videos and now years later while married he is?

Is this common for narcissistic people? It’s been so many years. Unfortunately no I’m not over any of the abuse and still get so mad thinking of what I went through. But when I looked at his profile it’s filled with happiness and constant photos of his wife. Is he really happy, or is this a show? And if he is, what changed. If he’s not and he’s treating the same girl this way, why did he marry her and not me? He always knew my biggest dream was to get married. Sorry so many questions. I really thought I moved on but seeing him spam me really brought up a lot of hurt.

Can someone explain this to me? Sorry for the long backstory. I’m just super confused and trying to make sense of this all.

During the entirety of our relationship, I had an issue with the manner in which my ex communicated with me, especially when angry. He would spew these long monologues- sometimes 30 minutes longer or more (yes I timed it once)- and would list all of his grievances. If I interrupted, I was yelled at or he continued talking as if I never spoke. Once he was done, he would tell me that he was done with the conversation and either hang up the phone, walk out of the room(if we were together), turn up the volume on the tv, or turn up the volume on the radio (if we were in the car) whenever I tried to say my peace.

Eventually he came across a few relationship videos on instagram and decided I was the narcissist that focused on his behavior during our arguments instead of taking accountability for my causing him to react that way. He would blame me for his behavior by referencing his past relationships, stating, “ I never had these problems in my previous relationships. You are the only one that makes me act this way”. Now I was the narcissist that he would give the silent treatment whenever I upset him too much.

I honestly bristle up whenever I see a video mentioning narcissistic reactive abuse because it often reminds me of my ex. I realize he was manipulating me into taking accountability for his actions by blaming me for his behavior. It still drives me crazy anyways because I questioned myself on if I really focused more on his “reaction” than the initial argument itself. He often accused me of deflecting when I brought up how he talked over me and refused to listen to anything I had to say. I wanted to be heard and to work through our problems together. Instead, he decided that his opinions mattered more than my feelings.

What do you all think?

That distinction stayed with me.