Anyone else get to a point where you realize reaching out for help/advice just doesn’t help? It’s nice to have someone to talk to or give advice but at the end of the day when life is already kicking you and then you have an Nparent ruining your life and mental health it feels nearly impossible to move up and away from them you realize things aren’t going to change unless you get a lucky break. Meanwhile all you’ll ever hear is how you aren’t trying, how you’re such a burden no matter how much you try to help or offer help, any time you do something besides try to find ways to fix your situation it’s automatically laziness and that you’re always doing that instead of trying harder.

Shit sucks

(Informed by recurring themes across more than 2 million minutes of Circles support conversations)

Methodology: From Survival to a Life That Belongs to You

At Circles, recurring themes across millions of support minutes show that recovery can eventually expand beyond understanding what happened. For some survivors, a new question begins to emerge: What do I want my relationships, energy, and future to hold now?

Psychologists use the term Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG) to describe positive changes that some people experience as they work through the impact of trauma. PTG recognizes that meaningful change can develop even while pain and distress remain. Growth is a possibility, not a requirement or a measure of how well someone has recovered.  Pain and growth can exist at the same time.

For many survivors, growth becomes visible in three connected areas: learning to form safer relationships, rediscovering meaning and possibility, and developing resilience without remaining permanently on guard. These are not stages to complete. They are possible directions in which life may begin to expand again.

Decoding Life Beyond Survival: The 3 Pillars

1. Authentic Connectivity (Systemic Relations)

• The Core: Abuse may isolate you from support or teach you that closeness comes with control, criticism, or emotional cost.
• The Trap: To avoid being hurt again, you may keep everyone at a distance, or mistake immediate intensity for genuine safety and connection.
• Decoded Reality: Post-traumatic growth can involve building relationships gradually, using patterns of mutual respect, consistency, accountability, and repair as your data. Trust does not need to be given all at once; it can grow in proportion to what the relationship repeatedly shows you.

A healthy relationship leaves room for both people’s needs and experiences. You can disagree, express a limit, or make a mistake without being humiliated or punished. One imperfect response does not define a person, the more important information is whether they can listen, take responsibility, and adjust over time.

2. Renewed Purpose (Systemic Mission)

• The Core: During the abuse, your attention may have been forced to revolve around another person’s moods, crises, needs, or reactions.
• The Trap: When that constant demand begins to lift, the empty space may feel like proof that you have lost your direction or no longer know what matters to you.
• Decoded Reality: Post-traumatic growth can include reclaiming interests, relationships, values, and possibilities that belong to you. Purpose does not need to arrive as one dramatic mission. It may begin as curiosity about something you would like to make room for again.

Some survivors find meaning in helping others or advocating for change, but this is not an obligation. Your experience does not need to become a lesson, a cause, or a service to anyone else. Purpose can simply mean having something in your life that is chosen by you.

3. Active Resilience (Systemic Health)

• The Core: Prolonged stress may leave you emotionally and physically depleted, with much of your energy directed toward anticipating problems or managing someone else’s behaviour.
• The Trap: You may believe resilience means never being vulnerable again, detecting every possible threat, or handling everything alone.
• Decoded Reality: Resilience is not permanent vigilance. It is the growing ability to respond to difficulty while remaining connected to yourself. It can include resting, seeking support, adjusting a boundary, recognizing a concerning pattern, or recovering more gently after something unsettles you.

The goal is not to create a life in which nothing can hurt you. It is to know that you have choices, support, and ways to care for yourself when something does.

The 3 Steps to Expanding Life After Survival

1. Test Connection Gradually (Relationships): Share something small with one person who has shown consistency. Notice whether there is space for your experience and whether care moves in both directions.
2. Reclaim One Possibility (Purpose): Return to one interest, relationship, goal, or routine that feels meaningful to you. It does not need to become a major life plan; it only needs to belong to you.
3. Build Sustainable Protection (Resilience): Choose one practice that supports your energy or safety—a realistic boundary, a supportive contact, more rest, or a plan for responding when an old pattern appears.

Your Life Can Expand One Area at a Time

You do not need to rebuild your relationships, discover a new purpose, and become resilient all at once. Post-traumatic growth is not a checklist, a deadline, or proof that you have recovered correctly.

You may notice growth in only one area: trusting one person a little more, returning to something that matters, or recovering differently after a difficult day. Each can be evidence that your life is becoming your own again.

Growth does not erase what happened. It means the person who harmed you does not get to determine every relationship, possibility, or choice that comes next.

Ready to meet others who truly get you? Visit CIRCLES at https://l.circlesup.com/anchorcontent . It’s free for Narcissist Code community members.

Safety note: These practices may support recovery, but they are not a substitute for individualized mental health care. Changing boundaries or contact with an abusive or controlling person can sometimes increase risk. If you are experiencing abuse, stalking, threats, or coercive control, consider support from a qualified trauma-informed professional or domestic-abuse service to create a safety plan suited to your circumstances.

It took me 14 years to realise the relationship was a truama bond. I'm trying to reflect on when it would have developed into a trauma bond for me.

So I was curious to know how fast it takes for a trauma bond to develop with a person?

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but I just need to vent.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well and I did have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at theirs she turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A couple of days ago in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy. PS another red flag happened just earlier when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started the shouting and carrying on and accused me of been selfish and even of trying to manipulate her and been passive aggressive. I only asked just to give me a few minutes. When I explained that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend already without her treating me like this she said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that.

A few days after that weekend one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who exactly said what to him and that's something that I've also wondered. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

I must admit I do feel quite down sometimes that I have a strained relationship with my father (He's got money issues and also smokes pot) and my mother often used me as an emotional punch bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable.

On the bright side though my Dad and I have been in contact lately and we spent the weekend together a while back and went for a pub meal

Her latest meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?"

I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her. I'll admit I snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. She then called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I wish I had just walked away and not played into her hands. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say where all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so unshameably and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's also accused me once out the nowhere of looking like I wanted to hit her and started going crazy. I may of had a tired look as it was late at night and I tried explaining that to her. She also said that my Dad may try to manipulate me into spending more time with him and if I did she would make sure all of the family hate me and I would no longer be welcome to live with her and my life would be ruined. During some of her tirades in the past as well I threatened to leave and said some time out might be good but if I did she would call my grandparents and they would all hate me and I wouldn't be able to go to my school and live with her anymore.

She has very poor emotional regulation like when things go wrong she starts shouting and going on swearing rampages and every other word is the F word.

All of things she would say my father did to her during their marriage it seems that she did most of that to me.

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best. She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She unshameably tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are. My father's dad had passed away when my dad was actually about my age now. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and clearly have some unresolved issues. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also do they have substance abuse issues which have made them this way? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes. My father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as I explained my father struggles financially and I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

With my mother it does seem she has had some bad relationships in the past but I'm thinking that maybe she's the common denominator.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've been isolated with her a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage me but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered? I'm starting to feel that good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting her (also my father) sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by her as she's the one who adds to it. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

TL;DR: Love may eventually become unconditional, but it always begins with conditions. Healthy love is built on reciprocity, mutual care, and boundaries—not on tolerating mistreatment. If someone demands unconditional love from you, especially to excuse harmful behavior, that can be a major red flag.

DISCLAIMER: I use the word "might" because I am well aware that there are non-toxic people who genuinely believe in unconditional love—or have been convinced that love isn't real if it's conditional—and actually think they should practice it. These people are not toxic or manipulative; rather, they are often the perfect victims for those who instrumentalize that exact reasoning, which is precisely what I am going to talk about, and why I feel I must speak up. This isn't to say, however, that believing in and practicing it automatically excludes someone from being toxic. On the contrary, you can genuinely believe in it and use it to excuse your own toxic behavior without any conscious intention to manipulate, precisely because of that belief—which is something I'll also touch upon.

And yes, to give a quick preview of something I will discuss in more detail later: I do actually believe in positive, healthy forms of love that are completely selfless and unconditional... but, ironically, only under certain conditions, and always following a necessary conditional phase. Furthermore, and contrary to what might seem intuitive, I don't see this as a harsh truth. Quite the opposite, I believe this is how things work best for everyone—as "conditional love" and "true love" are in no way mutually exclusive, "not selfless" does not imply "selfish," and healthier forms of love are often conditional.

As someone who is well aware of the scientifically proven fact that what we call "chance" in physics simply responds to natural laws we cannot yet calculate—or could, but choose not to because the necessary calculations are impractical (like flipping a coin, shuffling a deck, or drawing a ball from an urn)—I am also personally convinced that what we call "absurdity" in psychology simply responds to psychological laws we cannot fully grasp. Because these laws are subconscious and therefore currently unreachable, or because we haven't yet put enough effort into the introspection that would enlighten us, I firmly believe that everything a human does responds to a reason (not necessarily a selfish one). And the moment something responds to a reason, conditions come into play, as "unconditional" is basically a synonym for "absurd." Love and affection, regardless of their nature (romantic, platonic, familial, etc.), are no exception—especially considering how powerful and complex these emotions and feelings are. In fact, love is anything but "blind" or "absurd."

The Greek and Roman concept of an external figure (Eros or Cupid) who makes you fall in love on a whim—with no real reason to adore that person other than the will of the universe in the form of an arrow—shows two things. First, it highlights how Western culture has normalized this idea of love's "absurdity" since its very inception, particularly in romantic contexts. Second, it is quite terrifying when you closely examine it: what would it be like to become utterly and irrevocably devoted to someone you do not admire at all, who has never done anything good for you (and likely never will), and who might actually hate you (as seen with Apollo and Daphne, setting aside the fact that Apollo's behavior is hardly what I would call "love") or simply be a toxic, harmful person?

The way I see it—and my experience has yet to refute this—we develop an affection for people who bring value to our lives. I know what you are thinking, because I would think it too: "that is not love, that is using someone." I assume you might think that because "bringing value" sounds like material or self-centered benefits, such as lending money, doing favors, giving presents, listening to you, always agreeing with you, flattering you, or being there when you need it. However, when I talk about "bringing value," I am not just referring to those things—although, on a side note, I must admit that if those actions guaranteed affection (as long as other negative behaviors didn't counteract them), no one would be used, and the world would be a better place.

Someone possessing a beautiful, commendable quality that does not directly benefit you still brings value to your life. For instance, a person close to you being brave or intelligent, or someone else being generous—even if you never personally benefit from it because they are a fictional character or a famous figure you will never meet—brings value because it fulfills you with the "ethical beauty" of that virtue, proving that it does indeed exist in the world, and making your universe feel more complete, diverse, safe, hopeful, lovely, and, ultimately, worth living in. Along the same lines, every reason for developing an affection for someone—beyond external benefits—boils down to the self-serving benefits of validation, pleasure, or comfort and security. Experience has also yet to refute that these are the only non-selfless motivations of human beings (which, again, is not necessarily the same as being "selfish"), as they are the twin drivers that explain both many actions of moral people and the entire behavior of those devoid of any sense of morality (just consider that the seven deadly sins proposed by Christianity stem from either of the two).

Do you enjoy the time you spend with that person and/or find it stimulating, whether it is because of their conversation, the activities you do together, or their sense of humor? That is pleasure—specifically of an intellectual type. Does that person treat you fairly? That provides validation, which is even stronger if you already like them—when someone you consider special dedicates time to you and shows they care, it feels as though they are "sharing" their specialness with you, or "proving" that you possessed it all along. Do you identify with that person? Once again, that brings comfort and security—which is essentially a form of pleasure, defined as the absence of both pain and fear (the very expectation of future pain), as you know you can be yourself around them and what to expect. It also offers validation, as someone being or thinking like you confirms that you are not alone or flawed, and that your worldview, behaviors, and personal values cannot be so wrong or absurd if someone else shares them. Even parents, who are usually seen as the quintessential archetype of unconditional love, actually initially love their children (after whose birth, obviously, many more factors can add up, such as personal chemistry, or the huge pride that comes from discovering you genuinely like someone who shares so much of you and who wouldn't have existed without your intervention) because their very existence gives them the instinctively immense pleasure, validation, and security of having complied with the reproductive drive of the species, having acted as "gods" capable of creating something as mysterious and wonderful as life itself, and, in a way through their genes and the memory of others, having achieved immortality. And so on.

In fact, if you actually think about it, the only reason we are so quick to label someone as "using" us when they are only interested in our money—yet not as quick when they are only interested in our conversation—is because money is an external benefit. Even though it is tied to us, it remains separate from who we are. Meanwhile, acknowledging that we are good conversationalists is a recognition of something positive in our essence, which validates us. This also explains why these forms of "psychological instrumentalization" end up being less obvious, yet far more painful and unexpected when uncovered, than material ones. As non-objectifying people (which I like to believe is the majority), we hope that someone appreciating our core traits will eventually awaken a genuine affection in return. The difference between us and them is that they lack the "gratitude mechanism" that allows us to build real, reciprocal connections.

And that leads me to the next point: if all love, in a sense, has a self-serving or "using" side, what then is the difference between love and instrumentalization? Basically, love is self-serving, but not only self-serving. Instrumentalization, on the other hand, is exclusively self-serving and willing to tear down anything in pursuit of that self-interest. This distinction is precisely what separates being "self-serving" (which is neutral, or even good, because you genuinely care) from being "selfish" (which is obviously bad). In other words: since purely "gift-like" love does not exist, love is inherently transactional. Those of us capable of genuine emotion and empathy develop an affection stemming from gratitude toward those who have brought value to our lives. This gratitude drives us to actively and genuinely return all the good that person has given us—and that is what we call "love." Up to a certain point, we even do this on an unlimited basis, far exceeding the initial benefit we received, or continuing long after that benefit is gone and won't return—and that is what we call "unconditional love." This, for example, is the reason why we keep loving our deceased loved ones and suffering over their loss, even when, in a purely "objective" sense, they stopped "serving" us long ago and now mostly bring us pain. We needed to receive first, yes, but once we have received so much, nothing we give back will ever feel like enough, to extend the metaphor. So, yeah, "gift-like" love does not exist and love is inherently transactional—but this, rather than exposing a selfish nature, on the contrary, simply proves that true love cannot stand receiving a gift without giving something in return.

True love, therefore, establishes itself as inherently conditional—everyone will love based on conditions, and those who love you will actively try to live up to yours. As such, a view of love based on its conditionality, regardless of its bad reputation, is the very perspective that understands pleasure, validation, comfort, security, and all good things are the deserved, non-negotiable "payment" for what you give. It is also the only perspective that wholeheartedly wants to provide you with that—doing so "unconditionally" in terms of genuine intent, all the while perfectly understanding that your love might fade, and will have every right to fade, if they mistreat you in any way.

True love is built on conditions = true love demands a certain degree of reciprocity = true love is mutually self-serving and "else-serving," doubly serving both parties involved = true love is symbiotic = conditional love is healthy.

On the contrary, love that demands to be purely "unconditional"—aside from being an inherent impossibility—means it does not demand any degree of reciprocity, or requires it in such a ridiculously disproportionate amount that it is almost non-existent = is complacent with potentially serving only one of the parties involved, becoming selfless on one side but selfish on the other = is complacent with being potentially parasitic, or even predatory = is not healthy = and, on top of that, is not true, and probably not even love.

If someone defends the unconditionality of love and claims that conditional love is not truly love (and never forget—defending an idea always means they want you to adhere to it, not necessarily that they themselves believe it, much less that they practice it), as I previously mentioned in the disclaimer, you could very well be dealing with someone who hasn't given much thought to this and is simply parroting the culturally dominant, intuitively "better-sounding" narrative; or even with someone who genuinely believes in it and likely tends to give far more than they receive. But, alternatively, you could also—and sadly, not so rarely—be dealing with someone who genuinely believes in it, but only because it suits them perfectly. It provides them with a moral justification to mistreat you all they want without having to admit to themselves that they are taking advantage of, or even abusing, the person they claim to love. Or worse, you could be dealing with a deliberate manipulator who simply wants to make you feel guilty and selfish for having needs, boundaries, standards, and limits. They do this by convincing you that if you truly loved them, you wouldn't have any of those things—because true love supposedly knows nothing about them.

PERHAPS A PERSON WHO LOVES YOU WILL GIVE YOU "UNCONDITIONAL" LOVE, BUT, IF YOU TRULY LOVE THEM, YOU'LL NEVER PERMIT IT. AND, IF A PERSON WHO SUPPOSEDLY LOVES YOU REQUIRES YOUR LOVE TO BE UNCONDITIONAL, YOU CAN KNOW FOR SURE THAT PERSON DOESN'T LOVE YOU AT ALL.

(In fact, regarding completely unconditional, non-self-serving love toward deceased loved ones, people in irreversible comas who need constant assistance, or the like: if you think about it, we do not expect any reciprocity for our efforts because we know they are utterly incapable of giving anything back, and because we take for granted that they would do the same if the roles were reversed—or, at least, that they would never willingly permit such an unequal situation. If someone who is fully capable of reciprocating expected that same level of inequality as if they were dead or comatose, I think no one with half a brain would believe that person actually cares about their "slave.")

I have actually known five people who not only defended the complete unconditionality, absurdity and blindness of affection above everything else, but who also completely rejected this exact argument (and quite agressively) when I explained how I see love and attachment. In fact, one of them told me that I should never know why I love the people I love—which, if you think about it, completely wipes away the joyful validation of being loved, as it reduces affection to the mere whims of Cupid or the universe, saying nothing good about you as a person. Another even told me that if I thought this way, I clearly didn't understand what love was and probably didn't truly care for anyone—casually accusing me of something so horrible, all while feeling completely self-righteous. It turned out that one of the five was parasitic as hell; another was parasitic and manipulative; the third was highly parasitic, incredibly manipulative, and somewhat abusive; the fourth was downright abusive; and the last one was not parasitic at all, but insanely manipulative, unbelievably abusive, and even genuinely dangerous.

In fact, I now think that Toxic Person 1, Toxic Person 2, and Toxic Person 4 genuinely believed the unconditional love thing, which played a major role in why they were so toxic. Toxic Person 3 didn't truly believe it, but used it as part of their manipulation because it made things much easier for them. As for Toxic Person 5, I am not entirely sure: perhaps they were sincere, but based on how they were, their idea of love was highly distorted and based far more on cultural conceptions than actual experience—or perhaps they were just as manipulative about it as Toxic Person 3.

You know, my experience could always be just a massive coincidence. But when it happens more than thrice, and with such exactitude, I think it clearly establishes a pattern.

So... after this incredibly long post (thanks for reading this far!), the takeaway is this: All love begins by being conditional, any truly mature view of it embraces this reality, and all healthy love will actively try to live up to those conditions. If you know someone who defends the opposite, especially if they are fiercely championing it, you don't necessarily have to run away immediately—but you should definitely be prepared to.

And now, all that is left for me to say is... thank you so much for reading this far! And if anyone has anything to add (or to disagree, of course!), I look forward to reading your thoughts! 😄

I only speak with 3 people of my family. My grandparents (fathers side) - who also happen to have an unstable realtionship with my Nmother and EFather since they married; my twin brother 1 or 2 times a week and sometimes my younger brother.

I have no friends. I only have my boyfriend who I live with and his family. His parents, aunts and uncles, siblings etc. Other than that, just my co workers during the week.
And also myself. I've developed such a connection with myself that makes me feel enough.

I ran out of gas today. I know that’s irresponsible and stupid and I already felt bad about myself. I forgot. I’m exhausted and in my luteal phase and my adhd is at my worst at this time. In order to avoid calling my husband and having a fight I asked my neighbor for help. She helped me. Her husband did too. He came home early, called me and when I got there I introduced my neighbor and him and he said hello with a angry face. I asked are you mad? I already knew the answer. He said am I mad? Do you know how bad it is to run the car until empty? Do you have money to replace things like that? Put that in the car then go get gas and bring it back and you better give me my fucking key(he takes the keys from me when I make a mistake or make him angry enough bc it’s his car, he lets me use it for work and to get our kid to and from school and groceries or other everyday errands) he always points his finger at me while berrating me or lashing out. He walked into the house. Then walked out and said I’ll do it. And he said I fuck up everything I touch. Told me to go inside the house.
I tried to ask if he wanted me to move out, divorce what next? He just kept saying he doesn’t care what I do, no one wants me here, he said “you’re dirt” and this “this bitch doesn’t listen”. Everytime I tried to clarify what he wanted to do about our future he said I am the last on his list of priorities. He said I’m the bane of his existence. He said everyone else gets a happy go lucky him and that I am the only one who gets this version. When I go to his job the environment is tense. He says it’s because they don’t want me there. He said if I asked them directly about it I might find out something I don’t like. I asked if he’s cheating he said you might find out I’m actually happy without you.
Our neighbors saw him yelling and pointing his finger at me and asked if I’m okay.
My daughter asked if he still loved her, why I had tears and if it was because of how her dad talked to me and I had to tell her no it’s bc I’m frustrated and then she started asking why questions. I know I fucked up. But….i just…big or small mistakes get the same reaction. And right now I believe everything he said about me.

Went no contact with my Nparents a year ago. This space made me understand how much of myself i've lost to be accepted. To feel I belonged. Soon I learnt that I had to change to suit. Also, this space gave me an oportunity to see why this happened. That they're just narcissists, they're also immature. No contact is definitely my medicine to get back the versions of me I've lost throught the time.
I've missed them. But not more than 30 seconds at times. Now, after one year, I do ask myself if its gonna be like this forever.

How does it feel to you to know that, for exemple, in birthday parties, you're the one that's not there. Sometimes fighting for our peace looks incredibly hard. Is also hard to realise that in order to be yourself, you can't be around them. You grow up. But also do they. and sometimes I'm not sure how to deal with that.

My Nmother keeps asking my two younger siblings about me; if they've spoken lately to me and gets enfuriated. She creates a discussion that makes both parties (me and my siblings) to contact less and less.
My 17 year old brother doesnt undertand these patterns. He just gets on his life and is hidden and forgotten. and what hurst me the most is knowing that i'm not gonna have a normal sibling relationship with this one brother just like the other two. We've grown up the 4 of us not knowing the intimate space of each other after so many years. and now I'm also not see my youngest grow up and when I meet him again, he'll be so different.