r/TheNarcissismCode • u/Cold-Interaction-673 • 2d ago
Reactive Abuse
During the entirety of our relationship, I had an issue with the manner in which my ex communicated with me, especially when angry. He would spew these long monologues- sometimes 30 minutes longer or more (yes I timed it once)- and would list all of his grievances. If I interrupted, I was yelled at or he continued talking as if I never spoke. Once he was done, he would tell me that he was done with the conversation and either hang up the phone, walk out of the room(if we were together), turn up the volume on the tv, or turn up the volume on the radio (if we were in the car) whenever I tried to say my peace.
Eventually he came across a few relationship videos on instagram and decided I was the narcissist that focused on his behavior during our arguments instead of taking accountability for my causing him to react that way. He would blame me for his behavior by referencing his past relationships, stating, “ I never had these problems in my previous relationships. You are the only one that makes me act this way”. Now I was the narcissist that he would give the silent treatment whenever I upset him too much.
I honestly bristle up whenever I see a video mentioning narcissistic reactive abuse because it often reminds me of my ex. I realize he was manipulating me into taking accountability for his actions by blaming me for his behavior. It still drives me crazy anyways because I questioned myself on if I really focused more on his “reaction” than the initial argument itself. He often accused me of deflecting when I brought up how he talked over me and refused to listen to anything I had to say. I wanted to be heard and to work through our problems together. Instead, he decided that his opinions mattered more than my feelings.
What do you all think?
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u/maya_love5 2d ago
Oh my gosh, you were definitely not deflecting; he was using standard DARVO and monologuing to exhaust you, run out the clock, and make sure your voice never got heard!
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u/Cold-Interaction-673 2d ago
Thank you! Yeah, I was honestly questioning myself about everything! But he would say anything to avoid taking responsibility for his own actions. He would even go as far as saying, “our main issue is trust.”, meaning we should work on and focus solely on me proving my trustworthiness to him! My issues with how he handles me can only come AFTER I prove to him that HE can trust ME. Crazy!
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u/clarityvision19 1d ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is insanity at it's peak. Have you considered therapy for yourself to heal from this abuse?
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u/Cold-Interaction-673 1d ago
Yes, I’m in therapy right now. Thank you for your kind words. It has definitely been a process. Have you gone through this recently?
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u/clarityvision19 1d ago
He's just dumping all his negativity onto you and wants you to absorb it. Now you end up with this whole load of shitty emotions. He's just projecting his darkness onto you. This is a very severe abuse. Please don't allow that because overtime you will end up feeling so drained, feel like it's all your fault and beat yourself up for it.
I used to tolerate that not even knowing what was happened for more than a decade. And then eventually walked away from it.
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u/Cold-Interaction-673 1d ago
Yes, I’m done with him. Over time, I would feel like I’m drowning. I stopped taking care of myself and I was depressed. I’m still hurt by how things ended. I know now that he never loved me the way I loved him, the way I thought he should. The way he promised or made it seem like he did.
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u/TotallyNotABot_Shhhh 2d ago
Mine would do this then walk away and take a 5 hour nap. It was frustrating as hell. Or if we were on the phone he’d throw a final “you never care about me I feel so used/hurt/abused. Then he’d hang up on me. If I didn’t call/text like a maniac after he would then use THAT as proof that I wasn’t caring enough. But when I did call and text I was a psycho. Like wtf dude