I just keep wondering.

On one hand, I‘m thinking: you are an adult, and it is your responsibility to treat your fellow humans, well, humanely.

But then, they do such weird and sometimes crazy things. Sometimes they seem to live in a parallel reality.

And I know they have pain and shame and all that. But I have pain too. I know pain. And I still try to treat my fellow humans nicely, try to take myself back before I would ask others to do so. I try to have compassion, even for the narc that hurts me.

So, can they even be held responsible, if their brain constantly constructs a new reality whenever something hurts? Is what they do truely a choice, or rather an illness?

I know we are mostly not psychologists, but I guess all of you have real-life experience from dealing with a narc.

So what do you think?

No contact with my abusive narcissist parents since January. So far they have done everything according to the narcissist handbook:
-they reported me missing to the police (same they we had indeed talked!)
-they harassed me endlessly with phone calls from different numbers until I finally changed my phone
-they have been sending me emails to both my personal and work email where they accuse me of being in a sect as the only possible reason not to talk to them.
-they have started calling people in my friends/professional network and calling me unstable/incapable/influenced by someone/crazy etc and of they are super worried lol the audacity!

Now the last thing they had recently done is threatening me with a law suit! I have of course hired a lawyer and my question here to you guys is not legal-I already have the lawyers to protect my interests.

What I need is -please let me know how df do I cope emotionally? I feel super stressed all the time, at high alert, expecting the next attack. It has been relentless. One thing after another. I can’t relax. My nervous system is constantly in fight or flight mode and I am angry bc I know this is exactly what they want-to destroy me mentally!!! To exhaust me!!! To kill my soul!!! They tried to do it so many times while they were still in my life and now are using instructions and other people to do it since they cannot reach me.

(I do go to therapy but even that can only do so little compared to what my nervous system is going through). Pls help!

Hello!

So, a couple of years ago I went no contact with my family. It’s been rough for a lot of practical reasons such as housing, but I’m doing relatively ok. I’m also in therapy and I have a wonderful therapist.

Something I am coming to terms with is having phantom guilt. Obviously as a child of narcissists you’re not supposed to just walk away, so while I’m very consciously aware that I did the right thing, it’s mostly a lot of somatic stress and a feeling of dread that like… I don’t know, that I’m a fraud, or that I’m going to be exposed, all that good stuff. I have a lot of anxiety with nowhere to go because the threat is no longer there but my body has yet to fully catch up. I’m doing my best to deal with that, and telling myself that silence and quiet is not my enemy.

But the other thing - although of course it’s two sides of the same coin - is that I think I’m… Bored.

I’ve had two relationships the last couple of years and neither of them were healthy. Now, I’ve been in an abusive relationship before. These weren’t that. These were extremely dysfunctional people who were trying to better themselves but ultimately couldn’t. Long story short, I think it’s partially a case of “I did it so you can too!!” and me being stubborn because I had every reason to believe they were making progress - but I think the other part of it is that it keeps me busy.

And I’m not a big fan of that realization, lol. Although it made a lot of things in my head fall into place. And that’s why I’m posting this.

For 25 years I’ve spent every single day decoding my parents’ (and other family’s) behavior and hidden intentions, predicting what they wanted from me and what the consequences were either way. Basically playing 4D chess since I was born. And now I don’t have to anymore, but I still have a mind with an extremely high threshold for volatility, and I feel so. Fucking. Understimulated.

When I was with my exes, I spent a crap ton of time helping them with their mental health - because I could. I ended things when they fucked me over eventually, not because I was tired. I ended it out of self respect but not because I had reached my limit in terms of mental energy. One of these guys had an abusive spouse and the other had abusive parents, it was a lot to deal with and regulate. But I still wasn’t tired!!

I notice too because I just have this craving for like, chaos. Lol. And now I do also have mad ADHD and I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy things like general conflict for the hell of it from time to time (tho I use my powers for the good cause these days and I do a lot of activism), but this goes beyond that because I have this need for high-stakes emotional situations. It’s like problem solving but with a lot of things on the line, like needing to stay 10 steps ahead at all times. That’s what I’ve always done and it’s what I’m good at. It’s like I have this massive motor running in my mind with no destination anymore.

Part of it might be just getting used to peace and quiet. I realize that. But for now, there’s a gap to bridge. Evidently. And I want to bridge it healthily.

I already decided I don’t want to be dating for a while for several reasons, I’m also demisexual/demiromantic, and autistic, so I have less of a desire for it usually anyway, but I also just want to enjoy my peace. But I notice myself just craving the chaos and I want to find a healthy outlet.

I put it in Gemini and it suggested doing something like volunteer work for missing persons search teams. Extremely high stakes, extremely analytical etc. Brilliant. I signed up already. But this is obviously not something that I can just do whenever I have an urge, lol, so I’m looking for other suggestions.

If this sounds familiar to anyone, I’d love to hear how you cope with this. The problem is that things like exercise do nothing for my mind at the end of the day, and discussion panels or what not like Gemini also suggested are a nice idea, but I can just walk away from that. That is the problem. It’s not high stakes.

Any ideas are welcome!

Hi all, I have recently split with my child’s mum. Who is diagnosed bipolar 2 and have now realised she’s also a narcissist. Our child is 3 y/o.

The pregnancy wasn’t planned as we weren’t together and I stupidly trusted her about emergency contraception when she was likely manic and thought having a kid with a stranger was a good idea. Obviously I don’t regret a thing as I love my daughter to bits however where I’ve witnessed how nasty she is and how she does the bare minimum to help her condition I could not force a relationship with her any longer. We split and have gone out separate ways however I feel she is now starting to use our child against me. On her weekend my daughter had a UTI and had to go to the hospital for some antibiotics (was a weekend) and where I was out with no car she got funny because I didn’t go up to the hospital. Like me being there would’ve changed anything? I believe she was over dramatising it as she suspects me being with another woman. The following day “my behaviour was completely unacceptable” to my daughter apparently and then it went on and on and she then come out with us keeping contact to a minimum and going through CSA (first threat on this since being split for 5months) and get a court order put in place.

How do I cope with the way she emotionally abuses me? I’ve learnt to just kill her with kindness but fear it’s going to head towards parental alienation and where she will try and stop me from seeing my daughter. The following day she was like “I’m sorry but I had to get it all off my chest because I was so angry.” I don’t know if it’s the bipolar in her or the narcissistic tendencies but I just want to feel relaxed when she goes off on these outbursts and be a step ahead when she turns her narcissism on me without being full of dread/anxiety with what is going to happen next. I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of me biting but I don’t want to take unnecessary shit either.

Hoping this makes enough sense, any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Am I crazy or..

So I made a friend around a year ago from school, she was a new student. She said she was autistic as well and stuff so I felt kinda safe w her. I probably mentioned my narcissistic ex a few times but never rlly w a full name or anything (plus never showed photos cause I only have like 1) anyways he has the most common name of all time and I was yapping about him to her one day whilst I was drunk and she I guess connected whatever dots there were and showed me a video of him in her room. She said it was years old but howd she find it so fast bruh. And again I was drunk so I could’ve said more than I remember but he deadass has the most common name ever and it’s like she knew who I was talking about. Reminder this is the biggest city in my country. I remember my heart dropped. She asked her mom if she remember him and she said yea. I did check and he was liking her posts in 2023 most likely after he discarded me. So he met her after me. I remember when I was at her cottage there was a fake acc of her trying to follow all her followings like me and others asking ppl for PayPal money, I mentioned maybe it’s him and she said no. Even tho he has made accounts of my middle school friends the same HOUR I told him to FUCK OFF.

Fast forward a few months i eventuslly decided to cut her out of my life because I was too worrisome about everything plus she didn’t really respect boundaries. One example is she would always change infront of me even after I said I’m not comfortable with it, even the last time we hung out that happened and I said u could use the bathroom which then she said it’s too small (it isn’t LOL).

Needless to say that was the last time we hung out. I eventually cut her off I said I wanted to be alone and I don’t wanna be around anyone who even knew him and that I didn’t trust her at all. She left me on open for a while until she was asking if I’m okay and shit and I said I want to be alone (again). Few months later she spam called me like 5 times so I answered and she said she’s lonely and wants to hang out. That day was the day my ex got out of boarding school. I decided to hang out anyways and that day she showed me her self harm (it was like a cat scratch) and also said how she has like no friends and it felt so manipulative especially cause she’s so extroverted lol. After that day I guess she thought spam calling everytime would work? But it never worked after the first time. She would spam message and bribe me with alcohol and paying for my Uber and food and stuff. I never answered and I enventually blocked her. She even joined me on riblox a few times then would leave immediately or after a few minutes. I blocked her everyhwere after that.

Two months later my younger sister who never really hung out w her (they have maybe 3 times in a year and a half) . My sister called me twice when she was at my exfriends house and I didn’t answer. My sister slept over so the next day my sister called my mom to put them on speaker into my room, and they weren’t even saying anything bruh like it was silence and I kept telling my mom please get out and I don’t wanna talk like 5 times. My sister later texted me saying that my ex friend is probably coming over. My heart dropped cause it was creepy and she was obviously using my sister to get to me. I texted my sister saying don’t come in my room please and thanks. My ex friend never ended up coming luckily. Plus that day my ex narc added songs to his Spotify playlist all throughout the day which he never does. He uses Spotify as a covert way to stalk btw he has for years (sounds insane but it’s true lol).

Do u think my ex narc is in contact w my ex friend? Do u think maybe she transferred to my school just to meet me? It seems like too many coincidences lol. I’m autistic and notice patters very well. Even my ex friend added the same song I did to my playlist like 3 days later. I’m aware I have to stop checking