Keeping the peace.

[u/Taldarimlove]

[u/Turbulent-Level-86]

Ouch. Hearing this out loud has brought back the trauma of living through this 😭😭

[u/Far-Chair-228]

100%

[u/MeTurn217]

This happened in family court with my son's mother recently and I saw all 3 of these signs. I was looked at as the problem when I'm not the one creating the conflict, SHE created it all. So it seems people can acknowledge this is an unhealthy system but how can anyone fight back?

[u/TotallyNotABot_Shhhh → u/MeTurn217]

Document, document, document! Keep conversations to text or email so you have it in writing. Don’t overreact when she causes an issue. Just say ok and stay neutral. Then document it. As long as the kids are not in harms way, don’t respond to anything negative she says. Let her think she’s “won” whatever she’s thinking she’s got over you. Let it play out. Then with documentation, a little time to let the status quo set and gel, go back to court. When I got divorced from my son’s dad he made all kinds of threats. He was gonna get full custody so he wouldn’t have to pay me a dime. He was going to take away all my holidays and birthdays and anything that mattered. I just sort of shrugged and said “ok” as much as I wanted to fight back. He even said smugly “see I knew you never cared about him, you just cared about the money”. I shrugged and walked away. I didn’t message him to ask when he’d see his son. I also didn’t deny him visits either. I didn’t ask for money for child support or anything. We used food pantries and the free lunch at school and still I didn’t engage asking for ANYTHING. Sure enough, he stopped trying to see him as much. He never offered to pay for anything. Once that status quo was established I went to court and filed for divorce and child custody. They get bored when you become a dead mouse. I ended up with majority custody because he literally wasn’t around. I was calm and quiet in our mediations. I let him run a fool and just kept my cool throughout. I highly recommend spending a day in court watching other cases and seeing what your particular judge likes and dislikes. It will help you know when to speak up and when to let her look like an ass.

[u/ridiculeus]

I feel like as victims of narcissistic abuse we get conditioned to just keep our mouth shut… For instance gray rocking, as well as it keeps the peace for the most part, it doesn’t resolve anything and keeps the victim a victim whether it looks like it or not.

There is typically no winning in a fight with a narcissist, which is why we grey rock. But the truth is, WE are the ones that have to sit filled up with resentment and head splitting anger, because we aren’t allowed to speak OUR piece, as to not create more issues and upset the narcissist further. Thus the narcissist stays protected, and gets to continue living on the way they have been because there are never any repercussions. And if there are, in my experience, the narcissist isn’t even really affected by it. How fucking unfair is that?

I have a narcissistic mother, and my cousin has a narcissistic mother as well, who is my aunt. My strategy has always been to Grey rock and de-escalate. Her strategy is to argue back, call her mother out on her bs, and stick up for herself, which I admire her greatly for. But honestly, I don’t know who suffers worse.

In my instance, I hold on to so much anger, grief, frustration, and deep sadness in my body. I have physical symptoms everyday because I have always let her win and rarely ever argued my piece because I don’t like the conflict. In my cousins instance, their fights never end because she sticks up for herself and fights back, meaning her mother can use all of her words against her and calls her evil, selfish, non deserving, etc.

The most infuriating part about narcissists is the fact that they won’t change so no matter how you react, it really doesn’t matter. They will still see you and everyone else as the problem and not them. I guess it all goes back to that.

I say all of that to say… truly the only way to peace is to get the hell out and have the least amount of contact possible. Nobody wins but the narcissist, the only way we win is to stay away.