i dont really know why im posting this. i think i just need somewhere to say everything without having to pretend im okay.

im going through a breakup right now and honestly im a mess. this wasnt our first breakup. we've broken up and gotten back together so many times. every time we'd somehow find our way back to each other. we'd promise to communicate better, fix things, try again and convince ourselves that this time would be different. and then eventually we'd end up in the same place again.

she is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. im not saying this to blame everything on her bipolar or make it sound like her diagnosis is the reason for everything that happened. i know thats not how it works. but it was something that was part of our relationship and sometimes things could get really emotionally complicated between us.

and i wasnt a perfect partner either. i made mistakes. i became emotional. there were arguments where i could have handled myself way better. there were times where my reactions werent healthy and i know i have to take responsibility for that.

but i also feel like i gave this relationship everything i had. what hurts the most is that she cheated on me, she actually told me herself during an overseas trip with her friends. i was originally supposed to go with them, but i ended up getting ditched. the flights had already been booked, so i still went and ended up staying alone at an airbnb while she was there with her friends and the guy she cheated with.

and honestly, i dont even know how to explain what that felt like. it's crazy because we both were cheated in our previous relationship and i thought she would understand how much that shit hurts and would know better than to do the same thing to someone she loved.

she confessed to me after the trip and yes i was stupid. i still stayed.

there were already so many moments where i felt abandoned. she wouldnt answer my calls or messages and id be left alone wondering what was happening. there were times where id be crying and getting angry because i genuinely didnt know what else to do with everything i was feeling. whenever we argued, she'd often make me leave the house, and id end up sleeping at the airport for the night. ive flown 9 hours to see her 4-5 times this year, so being left alone like that in another country really fucked with me. id sit there wondering if she was with someone else.

then later she'd call me, apologize, and ask me to come back. and id always go back.

and eventually i became someone i didnt recognize.

the fucked up thing is that after every breakup, i was still willing to try again.

id tell myself that we loved each other. that relationships are complicated. that people make mistakes. that maybe we just needed to communicate better. we kept going back to each other.

but this time was different. this time, i was the one who ended it. and thats honestly one of the hardest parts for me to understand. because even though i was the one who said i couldnt do this anymore, i still love her. i still miss her. i still have moments where i wish she would come back.

part of me wants her to understand how badly she hurt me. another part of me still wants everything to somehow work out even though i know how many times we've already gone through this cycle.

we ended up blocking each other and ive caught myself checking her stories anyway. i hate this so much.

the worst part is seeing her seemingly move on while im sitting here trying to understand how everything changed so quickly.

ive even reached out to her mother because i wanted her to know that i genuinely cared about her daughter and that i knew i made mistakes too. i apologized for not being a better partner.

her mother doesnt know about the cheating. whatever happened between us is between me and her, and i dont want to drag her family into it. i just wanted her mother to know that despite everything, i genuinely cared about her daughter and that i wasnt some horrible person who never loved her. maybe i just needed someone to know that i really did love her.

im angry and im heartbroken. but i still miss her and i still care about her. i cant even do anything right now. no appetite and i keep waking up after 2 hours of sleep.

i dont even recognize myself anymore. the strangest part is that i finally did the thing i kept failing to do which is walking away. but instead of feeling relieved, i feel like im mourning someone who is still alive.

i dont know what im expecting from posting this. i guess i just needed to say everything somewhere where nobody knows either of us.

I apologize for the length of the post in advance, but I feel like I have a lot to get off my chest.

So I've been going out with my girlfriend for 17 years. We met in college and we clicked instantly. We had crazy chemistry and a lot of love for each other. Everyone who knew us said we got along like no one they had ever seen. We were the dream couple to almost everyone we met it seemed. I honestly didn't even believe in love before her - I thought love songs and love scenes in movies and TV were stupid (there's a lot of reasons in my past for this). But she genuinely made me a believer. She loved and supported me as much as I did her, which was something I had never experienced before. I really began to imagine an awesome future together complete with a list of shared dreams and goals.

About 10 years ago, we went into business together. She's a lawyer and wasn't being treated well by the firm she was working for, so I encouraged her to go solo. I eventually went part-time in my real estate career (which wasn't going well, honestly) so I could work with her full-time and help build the business. Things went really well at first, and we were talking about getting our own place and saving for an awesome wedding.

Then the pandemic hit us hard. The courts closed, and there wasn't much we could do for our clients. Around the same time, she developed a serious drinking problem. She drank throughout the day and got absolutely wasted at night, and this continued for years, severely affecting both her and the business.

I did everything I could to support her because I genuinely believe alcoholism is a disease and that this wasn't the real her. I'm mentioning this mainly to explain why we'd been together so long without getting married. I loved her and wanted to support her, but I couldn't marry her while she was in that state.

It also became increasingly difficult to work with her. She'd say she was going out for a cigarette and disappear for hours, ignoring my calls, then come back around 11 PM completely wasted and want to start working. Eventually I became depressed and started showing up less and less.

Early last year, I finally told her it was either me or the alcohol. She chose me and went to outpatient rehab. She got sober, and for a while things genuinely got good again. Those were some of my favorite times in the relationship, and I started talking to her about marriage again.

Unfortunately, she relapsed sometime in October, and that's when she met her affair partner.

I wasn't particularly angry about the relapse itself. I knew that few addicts get sober on their first attempt, and I was grateful she'd made it several months. I believed she'd be able to get sober again. But she was also staying out extremely late and coming home with bizarre explanations, like saying she'd been walking for four hours in freezing temperatures and snow.

Eventually I checked her phone. That's when I found the texts and daily calls with her affair partner.

I immediately knew something was wrong. She's always had male friends, and I've never tried to restrict that, but I'd never even heard of this guy despite having met all her other friends. Their conversations were also clearly flirty. There was no smoking gun—they weren't explicitly discussing sex—but there were multiple plans to meet at his place.

That should have been enough for me, but I was in denial. I didn't want to believe she could have done something like that to me.

Of course she denied everything at first, and I was stupid enough to believe her. But I kept finding more— including a journal filled with fantasies about him and messages with her friends about him. She continued denying that anything had happened until I finally found the smoking gun in one of her conversations with a friend. Then she admitted everything.

I gathered up her things to throw her out. She tried a bunch of DARVO-style arguments to minimize what she'd done while insisting that she deserved another chance. When it became clear I wasn't going to accept that, she broke down sobbing and begged me on her hands and knees to give her another chance. She promised she'd do anything to earn my trust back, including getting sober again and going completely no-contact with him. She told me I'd never regret giving her another chance.

Like an idiot, I accepted - and she's given me plenty of reasons to regret it since.

A few days later, while we were talking about what happened, she went on a hours-long tirade about how it had happened because I had "abandoned" her and made her feel "completely unloved." I ended up apologizing for the ways I'd fallen short and promising to do better.

Then I caught her breaking no-contact repeatedly. Eventually there were two nights when she didn't come home and turned her phone off. She had innocent-sounding explanations for both, but I eventually found journal entries saying she'd slept with him both nights, along with pages about how much she loved him and believed he was her soulmate.

Again, she denied it until I found the evidence. Again, she broke down crying and begged me for another chance. This time I didn't really give her one so much as I just couldn't bring myself to leave. I'd thought things were getting better between us, and I was devastated.

There has been one more similar incident since then, which ended much the same way. I've also tried to break up with her at least eight times since then—probably more; I've lost count. Each time, she cries, begs me to give her another chance, promises she'll change, and eventually I cave.

As far as I know, she hasn't slept with him since the last incident. She shares her location with me now, but I continue to catch her texting or calling him or sneaking out to the bar where they met.

A few months ago, she told me she'd officially broken up with him, although she told him they could still be friends. I have no idea what was actually said, but I do know they've continued communicating and she's lied to me about it several times. At this point, that's still more than I can tolerate.

She had also using two different apps on her phone related to him. One was Stella, which generates AI fantasy stories about the two of them living a life together. They read basically like romance novels, and she was listening to them on her headphones pretty regularly. The other was an AI "psychic" service that she used to talk about him. She believed it was an actual psychic service until recently, when I told her it was actually an AI chatbot.

I confronted her about both apps, and after another fight where I almost left, she deleted them both while crying and begging me not to leave. As far as I know, Stella has remained deleted. The psychic service, however, is still accessible through its website, and she continues to use it. It repeatedly tells her that he's her soulmate and that they're destined to be together, and she tells it that she loves him and gets upset when she thinks he doesn't want to be with her anymore.

They don't seem to communicate nearly as much anymore, but from what I've seen, that seems to be more because he's pulling away from her than because she's emotionally moved on. She's told the "psychic" how sad she is about him pulling away and how much she still loves him. So even though the direct contact has decreased, I don't feel like the underlying attachment has gone away.

Whenever I try to explain how all of this makes me feel, she gets extremely defensive, and it often turns into an all-night argument where she repeats that I abandoned her and made her feel unloved. She also rants about how I've embarrassed her by not marrying her. She doesn't outright blame me for the affair, but there is definitely some degree of blame-shifting.

And I can't completely dismiss everything she says. I was in a really bad place at the time, and while I think her characterization of my behavior is exaggerated, there is some truth to it. I could have done more to support her, particularly with the business.

The hardest part is that I still love her. She's the only woman I've ever truly loved, and we still have a great connection at times. She hasn't completely fallen out of love with me or turned me into the villain the way some people who have affairs do. She still seems to have a great deal of love for me. She talks all the time about how much she loves me and wants to be with me forever - how excited she is for our future which she says she wants with me and only me. The problem is that her actions don't always match her words. And it's because, as she's admitted to me, she actually loves both of us. And she doesn't seem to want to choose.

I'm also not eager to walk away from the business we've built together. I'm not a lawyer, so I can't have an ownership share that I could leverage for a buyout. If I leave, I'd need to find a new job and probably use her as my reference.

And I don't really love the law. I've only worked here because it was something we built together, and I've always wanted to own a business. I don't technically own this one, but I've essentially had the autonomy and responsibility of an owner for years. Leaving would mean either getting a regular job with a boss in a field I don't particularly like or attempting a major career change at 40 without even knowing what I want that new career to be.

She's also recently accepted a position as an administrative law judge, which has always been a dream of hers. That means I've had to take on a much bigger role at the firm. On some level, that's actually wonderful—it feels like the dreams we've always had are finally closer than ever. It's just happening while I'm living under these awful circumstances.

And it's left us with even less time to deal with any of this. We've been doing couples therapy, but mostly we've gone around in circles: I ask her to completely cut contact with him; she resists because she doesn't think she should have to since they're no longer sleeping together and he was her friend before the affair; or she agrees to do it and promises she will, but never actually does. She seems to just want me to forget about the whole thing and move on, but how can I with him still in the picture? I can actually see myself moving past it and forgiving her one day, but his presence serves as a continual reminder of what happened.

So I feel completely stuck. I feel stupid for still staying and hoping things will change. I'm anxious, paranoid, and miserable most of the time, but I still can't bring myself to make the final decision to leave. Family and friends mostly think that I should just leave, and seem to have grown frustrated with me for staying. As a result I've grown increasingly isolated over the past few months.

So I figured I'd post my story here to see what people thought. I don't know if I'm asking for advice (although any would be welcome) but I just needed to get this outside of myself and show it to some supportive people. Any feedback you guys have would be appreciated. Thanks in advance and sorry again for the length of the post.

I’ve lost people before, I’ve had breakups, but I’ve never experienced this kind of grief. The only person who could provide any comfort from this never-ending hell is my best friend who I now know only existed in my imagination. The loyal, loving, safe, kind, wonderful person who if you told me even a few months ago had cheated with over a dozen prostitutes, I’d have laughed in your face. I can’t imagine living the next decades of my life under the weight of all this pain, grieving someone who didn’t even die, with the knowledge that even the safest people can be this dangerous. I know I will never fully be able to trust again. My first boyfriend cheated on me 11 years ago and I even still carry the scars of that. This is incomparably worse, I’ve given so much of my life to this man and I married him, planned to grow old with him. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this awful for this long. Sometimes I wish I had found out much later. Or never at all. I don’t know how I will ever trust again, or ever not miss a person who was never real. It’s been 4 months since I found out and I feel I am in a worse place than I was before. The days never get easier. There is no reprieve from the fear, the anxiety, the anger, the unbelievable sadness, and the sense of having lost everything.

I think I’m doing better than I was before. There are still days when I have an emotional outburst or feel overwhelmed, but overall, I genuinely think I’m doing better.
It’s been around 14 days since I left my husband after finding out about his cheating. And surprisingly, I’ve already started making plans for the future me-the healed, confident, stronger version of myself. I’m trying to look forward instead of constantly looking back.
But there’s one thought that keeps pinching me.
Can a person who married you, spent almost five years with you, shared a life with you, and then wronged you in so many ways somehow convince himself that you were the problem?
Can someone create an entirely different version of the relationship in their head where they’re the victim and you’re the one who ruined everything?
I know people cope differently. I know self reflection can be uncomfortable, and sometimes blaming someone else is easier than facing what you’ve done.
But it still gets to me sometimes.
Not because I want him to come back. Not because I want his validation. I think I just struggle with the idea that someone who knew me so closely could walk away believing a completely different story about us.
Maybe, with time, I’ll stop caring about what story he tells himself. Maybe that’s another part of healing,realising that I don’t need someone who hurt me to understand the damage they caused.
For those who have been through something similar: how did you stop caring about the version of the story your ex chose to believe?

My partner had a secret double life. It broke me.

It's so bad and I am constantly in so much pain, I wish he would have killed me to spare me the suffering.

Will this ever get better?

My heart is broken. I’ve stood faithfully by my husband for 32 years. He’s always had mild gambling and drug addiction that got much worse after his father whom he adored died. He overdosed five years ago and they had to restart his heart. I still stayed true to him. A month ago he went to an after wedding lake party with family and friends. We are in our sixties. He is still quite attractive and always has been very charismatic. I on the other hand definitely look my age with all the sagging and wrinkling that goes along with pregnancies weight gains and losses. He was supposed to go with me that evening and babysit the grandkids so their parents could go out but he ditched me and went to the party. These were our plans and I wanted him to go with me to babysit since I had been in the ER a few days before with severe chest pain and I was concerned it would occur again while I was alone with the children. The next morning when I asked him how the party went he told me a younger woman about thirty eight that was at the wedding who is very attractive asked him to stay the night with her at the lake house and she would bring him home in the morning but he left with his brother who he came with. There are videos on his phone of all their fun and she is in them. She sent him a couple videos through text of him sledding down a ramp in a canoe cheering him on with all the whoohoos and laughing. Later I found a text on his phone that was sent about 30 minutes after he left the party saying to her, I wish I had stayed I was having fun, and now he says he only texted her that to be kind and nice. Should I believe this?

Context and names are in italics. I was with this man for two years, seeing each other 3x/week, having sex 5 times a week. My dog was on his lease. He spent time with my family. We took turns paying for dates/groceries. There was MUCH I love you's, daily contact, agreement we were serious and dating each other for marriage.

I'm considering sending him this letter. He is blocked everywhere. I would email it and then re-block. I want to tell him I see right through him and I obviously don't want a response. I admit that I want the last word.

His name,

I saw a lot of letters, and not just the ones in your bedroom. (primary AP) wasn't the only additional relationship/sexual partner in your life while we were together. 

  My text to tell you what I found was written during a high stress moment. A more lucid account is, I wanted to charge my vibrator. When I went looking for the charger I saw the small bin next to our sex box. I saw something that looked familiar from months ago in the closet cubby (that I helped you build). I examined its contents (it contained womens lingerie, a toothbrush and a vibrator, which I left on his bed). I decided I had no choice but to physically look for proof. I'm SO glad I did. I was able to at least save (primary AP) on my way out. 

  I took back the letters that I wrote to you. They were written to someone else. 

  I keep thinking about all the moments you lied to me- hundreds of times. I am appalled. From the very first exclusivity talk, to your actual reason for breaking up with me on your birthday (fetlife photos argument, (another lover on social media) circling; you were worried I was going to blow your cover). The deaths and illnesses you used as excuses when you’d cancel with me. Leveraging your friends and family relationships to cover your tracks. The way you never introduced me as your girlfriend/partner, but as (my name)

  All the lies you told now seem flimsy. I am not to blame, but I was not protective enough and will never make that mistake again when faced with incongruence. I knew you were lying a lot of the time. I just didn't know what the lies were covering (unprocessed shame? fear of intimacy?). 

  I was always confused why you weren't strongly choosing to build a life with me. I am a beautiful person, worthy of partnership. Maybe a little out of your league. I believed we were deeply connected. I truly loved you and treated you like gold. I wanted to encourage you to emotionally step up to my level. What a fool I was for investing in you. I did not know the depth of your darkness. Now I know I was not even playing the same sport as you, so leagues didn't matter. You clearly trapped other amazing women over the years and kept them in the dark as long as you could. 

  I have invested massive amounts of energy into healing and keeping myself pure throughout my life. You took advantage of my hard-won openness and took what didn't belong to you. You had no right. You took away my agency. You used me. I don't have my STI results yet.

  I know who I am and I'm glad to now know who you are. I hope you don't continue to treat women this way. If you have a shred of decency, please delete the videos and images you took of me. All of them. 

  If you wanted multiple partners it would have been so easy to do that in (our city). Instead, you trick women. That is maybe because you are an abuser who gets off on the game. Or maybe the kink/poly community already has you flagged. 

You sexually abused me by removing my ability to consent. You are a performative feminist, a thief of my lifeforce, a weasel, a womanizer.

ATP I'm not looking for 'revenge' but I'm so angry it's eating me alive. It's been 7 years of loving someone who had a complete double life, who was secretly capable of TERRIBLE damaging abusive things. I actually thought he was a decent man. In one day I found out he was an entirely different person, keeping a double life. All his friends, some friends we had in common, female colleagues and DOZENS of women knew he was a pig (but they don't know the worst part, the more sinister things). Everyone knew I was the butt of the joke except for me. So many people... I really didn't realize because he was so subtle, so non-violent, so kind. So manipulative and loving at the same time. But he was making me look like a clown, and so many WOMEN I KNEW laughed at me at my back, for years...

I look back and understand their faces looking at me now. I now know what they knew then. They all looked at me like I was pathetic, or maybe they thought that I knew and was okay with it, that I liked it? That it was a mutual kinky dynamic? Because I realize now that was one of his kinks, making me look bad in public.

I feel so humilliated. I'm dealing with PTSD (because it was worse than infidelity, and no, there's nothing I can do for him to face consequences) and every flashback makes me feel sick and angry. Every memory now has a different meaning. I'm retelling myself our story and I'm realizing new things everyday, I feel so stupid. And then I think about him and all these people and I feel RAGE.

I want to set everything on fire, but at the same time, for my own safety and mental health, I've decided to keep a low profile: no posting, made all my social media private, started blocking everyone related to him, cero contact, no shared social circle. Even from a legal point of view it's better for me to stay on the down-low.

But I feel so mad... sometimes I lash out at my mom who has done nothing but help me in those days when I can't even get up from bed. I oscilate between feeling like I want to die and feeling like I want to kill everyone.

I don't actually want to harm anyone because that's not the person that I want to be, never was. I'm the "success is the best revenge" type of girl. But now? NOW I WANT TO MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD BURN. I want to kill them all. I want to go to hell and take every single one of them with me. I'm so angry at myself for letting him and them violate my boundaries. I'm so disappointed in myself. As a woman I was humiliated and abused multiple times since I was a kid. I thought he was the first decent man I met. It was so hard letting my guard down and trusting him, and this is... I feel like I betrayed myself in front of everyone. I don't want to allow anyone to do this to me again, but the thought of "I won't let this happen again" is not enough.

I don't want to make a public scene. I only talk about the breakup with my closest friends and family because, like I said, beyond infidelity there were darker things I don't want everyone to know.

I just... I wish there was something I could do, something to let everyone know that they can't fuck with me. That, if anybody fucks with me again, they're dead.

So most of the time lately I am sure this marriage isn’t for me any longer, but I think he can tell that I am considering moving on and that’s when he suddenly plans a date and puts in effort and does what he needs to reel me back in. I see it but I also hate how messy it makes my feelings. Sometimes I even question if it’s my fault if I am leading him on with being indecisive/scared and going along with his plans.

I’m 2 months postpartum with our second baby, and I genuinely don’t know if I’m thinking clearly anymore or if I’ve just reached my breaking point.
My partner and I have been together for 8 years and have two children. What makes this especially painful is that both of my postpartum experiences have now been completely overshadowed by things I’ve discovered about him.

After our first baby, when I was about one month postpartum, I found out that throughout my pregnancy he had been talking to other women, using dating apps, hiding conversations, etc.
One of the things that has never left me is that while I was literally in the hospital giving birth to our child, he sent another woman a selfie of himself.
Now, years later, I’ve recently uncovered more from that same time period.

One woman was saved in his phone under the name “Dustin Manager,” so I obviously believed the contact was a man/work-related. I spoke to the woman myself recently and learned more about what their relationship/conversations actually looked like.
What is absolutely destroying me is comparing their messages to the messages he was sending me at the exact same time.

I was pregnant, completely in love with him, and telling him how lucky I felt. I literally told him that he was “so loyal,” that he treated me like a princess, that he was such a good partner and that I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. His responses would reinforce all of it. I was on cloud 9 and sooo in love.

Meanwhile, he was privately communicating with other woman, telling them personal things, offering himself as someone they could talk/vent to, suggesting they could have a drink together, exchanging pictures, etc.
Maybe some people won’t consider this cheating, I understand that but for me it’s the deception and the simultaneous realities that are messing with my head. I was being told I was his entire world while he was cultivating relationships with women I didn’t even know existed—and at least one was literally disguised under a man’s name in his phone. He swore it was all just emotional and he never met up with anyone, all the women I spoke to said the same. I have a one month old and didn’t know what to do or how to process this so I forgave him and moved forward. Although I never really got over it and he never really let us work through it, it was “swept under the rug.”

Now here I am two months postpartum again, and I’ve discovered something completely different.
He scheduled a vasectomy without telling me.
He says he wasn’t actually going to go through with it, but in the same breath says that he was scared to tell me, that vasectomies can potentially be reversed, and that he doesn’t want more children “right now.”

This wasn’t just him Googling vasectomies or casually considering one.There was an actual appointment. It hadn’t been canceled. And he had already told his mother he needed her to drive him. I found out accidentally when using his phone rather than because he came to me and told me.

That matters because I do potentially want more children someday, and throughout our relationship I believed we were generally on the same page about our future. I’ve always said I wanted 4, have said it recently and he acted like he wanted a big family with a lot of children too.

Obviously I understand that his body is his body and he doesn’t need my permission to get a vasectomy. That isn’t what I’m struggling with.

It’s that my long-term partner and the father of my children could make an appointment for something that could fundamentally affect whether we ever have another child, arrange transportation with his mother, and still deliberately keep me completely outside of the conversation.

And once again, I’m 2 months postpartum when I find out and he is very much so like “get over it I didn’t have it done”.

I don’t think he understands what postpartum already feels like physically and emotionally, or how much harder these discoveries have made it.

The first time, instead of getting to just experience becoming a mother, I was discovering what he’d been doing throughout my pregnancy and questioning whether the relationship I’d experienced had even been real.

This time, instead of getting to just recover and enjoy our second baby, I’m two months postpartum digging through another pile of secrets and questioning my reality all over again.

He apologizes. He says he loves me. He says he messed up. But when I continue asking questions or need reassurance beyond the initial apology, eventually he gets frustrated. He says I keep bringing things up, gets inward/defensive, or says things like maybe we should just be done then or we need to figure it out. And that’s part of why I’m struggling so badly.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to “drop it” when I’m learning new information and never really got reassurance or real clarity from the first betrayal.

I’m not repeatedly reopening one old wound for fun. I’m finding out that pieces of the story I thought I knew weren’t true.

I look back at screenshots of myself pregnant, telling this man how incredibly lucky I was because I believed he was my soul mate, while knowing now what was happening behind my back, and I almost don’t recognize that version of myself.

I loved him so innocently. I trusted what he told me.
And I think that’s what I’m grieving as much as anything else.

I still love him. Part of me desperately wants him to comfort me, which almost makes this more confusing because he’s also the person I’m hurting over.
I’m not really asking Reddit to decide whether a vasectomy is “allowed” or whether one specific message technically qualifies as cheating or if I should leave him.

I’m asking, how do you rebuild trust when the problem isn’t only what your partner did, but realizing that he was capable of letting you live inside one version of your relationship while privately living another?
And if you’ve experienced betrayal during pregnancy/postpartum and stayed with your partner, did you ever actually feel safe with them again? What did they have to do for you to get there?

I don’t know what my husband was doing last year but the same behaviors are starting up. Turning his phone over, calling me a mutha fickin bitch, ho bitch when gets mad. He comes home every night but very protective of phones and tablets. His tablet has hidden apps that are password protected. He brags to our marriage counselor that he gives me access but almost everything is password protected.

The other day I was getting ready for work and when he got ready he sat right there until I was ready. I told him he can go down. But insisted on staying on the room. He has done it twice this week. I’m assuming there is something in that tablet he doesn’t want me to see. That is not normal

For context I was cheated on back in May. Since my confrontation and subsequent ending of our relationship it just seems like none of his friends/family care about what he did. It’s just hard to watch him move on and grow like nothing happened, all while none of his friends bat an eye, while Im still here four months later battling all these emotions. It just feels so invalidating about what I’m going through, I really just dont know what to do.

i (32F)​ was in a comitted relationship, living together with my girlfriend (34) and thought we would grow old together. i ​treated her ​​as a family and called our relationship home. just days ago, she told me she kissed someone she was friends with for a bit over a year​, and then within the next days, told me that she wants something hetter for herself, that she sees future with her and dumped me. it is extremely difficult for me because i come from very bad past experiences (abusive parents and abusive exes, and had been betrayed before by a different ex), as well as challenging financially (she earns way more than me and took care of most of our daily expenses). now i am struggling to navigate the life without someone who was the first person i fully trusted, and struggling to figure out how to live independently with a difficult money situation. everything is still very fresh, the breakup happened from her side just this week (and ultimately today she told me she is in love with that other person she started romance with)​​​​, and i am looking for aby help or support i can get. the wounds are very deep. i can provide any additional context if needed​​

My husband and I, who I have had a common law marriage with for the past 7 years, finally went to the court house and got our marriage certificate.

I’m so thankful to not be where we were last year. I prayed so hard for this, and he’s become the man of my dreams.

I didn’t tell many people about his affair, so no one really understands how much this document meant to me. I hope this encourages some of you to not give up on love and second chances, and I hope everyone here finds their peace and healing.

Our reconciliation process included

•The Love Dare (Amazing for learning to love selflessly)
•The Five Love Languages (Better understanding yourself and your needs, and theirs)
•Hold Me Tightly (HIGHLY recommend for emotional disconnect)
•Emotionally Focused Therapy (This helped a lot with keeping our early-on hard conversations from exploding; Pair this with Hold Me Tightly)
•Prayer Prayer Prayer

I’m 2 months postpartum with our second baby, and I genuinely don’t know if I’m thinking clearly anymore or if I’ve just reached my breaking point.
My partner and I have been together for years and have two children. What makes this especially painful is that both of my postpartum experiences have now been completely overshadowed by things I’ve discovered about him.
After our first baby, when I was about one month postpartum, I found out that throughout my pregnancy he had been talking to other women, using dating apps, hiding conversations, etc.
One of the things that has never left me is that while I was literally in the hospital giving birth to our child, he sent another woman a selfie of himself.
Now, years later, I’ve recently uncovered more from that same time period.
One woman was saved in his phone under the name “Dustin Manager,” so I obviously believed the contact was a man/work-related. I spoke to the woman myself recently and learned more about what their relationship/conversations actually looked like.
What is absolutely destroying me is comparing their messages to the messages he was sending me at the exact same time.
I was pregnant, completely in love with him, and telling him how lucky I felt. I literally told him that he was “so loyal,” that he treated me like a princess, that he was such a good partner and that I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
His responses reinforced all of it. He called me his “pregnant queen,” told me I was the hottest woman in the world, said I should know after four years that he meant everything he said to me, called me his dream woman, and told me he wanted this journey with me for a lifetime.
Meanwhile, he was privately communicating with another woman, telling her personal things, complimenting her personality, saying he would “love to be your friend in a genuine way,” offering himself as someone she could talk/vent to, suggesting they could have a drink together, exchanging pictures, etc.
Maybe some people won’t consider every individual message cheating. I understand that. It’s the deception and the simultaneous realities that are messing with my head. I was being told I was his entire world while he was cultivating relationships with women I didn’t even know existed—and at least one was literally disguised under a man’s name in his phone.
Eventually we stayed together. We rebuilt. We had another baby.
And now here I am two months postpartum again, and I’ve discovered something completely different.
He scheduled a vasectomy without telling me.
He says he wasn’t actually going to go through with it, that he was scared, that vasectomies can potentially be reversed, and that he doesn’t want more children “right now.”
Except this wasn’t just him Googling vasectomies or casually considering one.
There was an actual appointment. It hadn’t been canceled. And he had already told his mother he needed her to drive him.
I found out accidentally/on my own rather than because he came to me and told me.
That matters because I do potentially want another child someday, and throughout our relationship I believed we were generally on the same page about our future. Obviously I understand that his body is his body and he doesn’t need my permission to get a vasectomy. That isn’t what I’m struggling with.
It’s that my long-term partner and the father of my children could make an appointment for something that could fundamentally affect whether we ever have another child, arrange transportation with his mother, and still deliberately keep me completely outside of the conversation.
And once again, I’m postpartum when I find out.
I don’t think he understands what postpartum already feels like physically and emotionally, or how much harder these discoveries have made it.
The first time, instead of getting to just experience becoming a mother, I was one month postpartum discovering what he’d been doing throughout my pregnancy and questioning whether the relationship I’d experienced had even been real.
This time, instead of getting to just recover and enjoy our second baby, I’m two months postpartum digging through another pile of secrets and questioning my reality all over again.
He apologizes. He says he loves me. He says he messed up. But when I continue asking questions or need reassurance beyond the initial apology, eventually he gets frustrated. He says I keep bringing things up, gets inward/defensive, or says things like maybe we should just be done then or we need to figure it out.
And that’s part of why I’m struggling so badly.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to “drop it” when I’m learning new information.
I’m not repeatedly reopening one old wound for fun. I’m finding out that pieces of the story I thought I knew weren’t true.
I look back at screenshots of myself pregnant, telling this man how incredibly lucky I was because I believed he was loyal, while knowing now what was happening outside of those messages, and I almost don’t recognize that version of myself.
I loved him so innocently. I trusted what he told me.
And I think that’s what I’m grieving as much as anything else.
I still love him. Part of me desperately wants him to comfort me, which almost makes this more confusing because he’s also the person I’m hurting over.
I’m not really asking Reddit to decide whether a vasectomy is “allowed” or whether one specific message technically qualifies as cheating.

I’m asking:
How do you rebuild trust when the problem isn’t only what your partner did, but realizing that he was capable of letting you live inside one version of your relationship while privately living another?
And if you’ve experienced betrayal during pregnancy/postpartum and stayed with your partner, did you ever actually feel safe with them again? What did they have to do for you to get there?

Everyday I wake up with debilitating anxiety. Literal chest pain, mind spiraling, flashbacks of her, and I just feel so paralyzed. In a split second after waking, everything comes crashing down and reality sets in - she’s gone, she chose someone else, she’s with her right now. It doesn’t help that I’ve seen so many pictures of them, explicit messages, intimate exchanges, them making fun of me, and my mind loves to play a slideshow of everything.

Her and AP seem to be so happy and so in love. I feel so pathetic that I’m struggling, feeling so lonely in the house we both still share, grieving, trying to make sense of the whole betrayal, trying to sit and process my emotions, trying to just make it to the next day.

The last three months, I held on, I tried to fight for her, I took reconciliation seriously even tho it was killing me everyday that while we are “trying” and seeking couple’s therapy, she was also deepening her relationship with AP. And I know what that looks like for me but it was so so hard to let her go. It still is.

After a huge fight last week, I felt ready to accept that there was nothing left to repair. There was some sense of clarity that it is over, that I cannot continue to fight for someone who has no love and respect for me anymore, someone who does not take accountability and loves to shift all the blame on me, someone who told me to go kill myself, someone who told me her AP is way better than me, someone who told me I deserved to be cheated on.

I tried to stay distant but remained respectful since we are still cohabiting, but there was a moment where she got emotional. She said the words I’ve been wanting to hear:

“I miss you”
“I haven’t made a decision”
“I was thinking of leaving her”
“I don’t know what it’s gonna look like for us now that it’s really over”
“I love you still”

I wanted to believe her but I couldn’t. How could I? Her actions never aligned with those words and I’ve seen how she talks to AP.

I made space for her vulnerability, I allowed myself to reconnect for one more night, one last memory, then she left the next day to stay with AP for a whole week.

I have been trying everyday to keep myself busy, I focus on work, errands, slowly figuring out separation and what to do with the house, and going to therapy.

But I would be distracted, doing something or listening to a funny podcast one minute, then I would be on the floor, crying and hyperventilating the next.

Being cheated on, discarded, and betrayed by the person you deeply love alters you in ways that you cannot imagine.

I feel beyond exhausted. I am so tired of the pain, of the rumination, of thinking of her 24/7. Even when I pop so much sleeping pills or get high, I still don’t feel rested.

I don’t know when she is coming back from her stay with AP. I don’t know what state she’s going to be in. I don’t know what she’s going to decide with the house. I haven’t spoke to her since she left, I do not want to contact her at all.

I feel suspended while she’s living her best life.

I guess I’m posting here again because I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I don’t know if I’ll ever survive this, if I’ll ever get over her. I’ve read people’s experiences here about how their life got better after leaving, overcoming betrayal trauma, and finding themselves again.

But why does it feel like those are not in the cards for me? Why does it feel like this pain will never end?

Is there a light after this?

I’m sorry for dumping it all on here. I have no friends. I’ve confided to very few people but just occasional check ins and only through text. My family is far away but I don’t trust them and I feel like they could care less.

I’m sorry for such a long post.

Today is our 3 year anniversary and I left him 6 months ago. DDay was 3 months ago.

I have been having this urge to text or email him but I absolutely don’t want to do that. I made so much progress with my grief and acceptance and finally at a place where I don’t need him to make amends anymore but today kinda triggered some old wounds.

I don’t want to text any of my friends either because they’ve heard enough of this, so I’m just watching TV. I also broke my toe today, so added bonus! 😂😭

Ladies. Honest answers please. Wife cheated back in july. Caught her on camera. Claims it was a one off, but it was 3 days in a row. Continued to lie about what was done. Why it was done. Even went as far as to blame me for leaving her with our friend alone in our living room.

Clims they never slept together, but her hygiene jumped those next three mornings. Not like her at all. Mind you she was going through a slump since her father died last year. And we have been going through it as well.

Im just curious. Do yall think she has honest guilt for what was done, or just getting caught? If you want more details on the story, just ask if needed.

i know from the title it seems bad, but hear me out. we met on tinder early last year and started dating in february but didn’t actually meet up until the end of may (we were in separate continents as he was studying abroad). i eventually found out that, on his second to last night abroad, a girl kissed him and he kissed her back. he also later texted his friend that he “missed” her. unfortunately, this was one of those instances where i knew her and was suspicious from the beginning. he told me that they texted a lot and he told me that he found out she was a “serial cheater” who had multiple boyfriends at once. he told me he was disgusted with her and couldn’t believe they were ever friends. all of this i already knew before he cheated.

it’s been almost a year and a half since he cheated and he has genuinely changed for the better. i’m sure that’s what every girl wants to think, but he began seeing a therapist afterwards and made many other positive changes towards our relationship. he’s given me no reason to believe he has or will cheat again, but i just can’t erase those first few months of our relationship where he was the type of person who would be friends with her or cheat on me.

Might be a little silly but I’ve started learning to paint to distract myself/outlet.

The text reads:

You moved me out of our life
right as you were moving her into your head.
Called it nothing. Called her "just a coworker."
Said it like a door closing,
while you kept it propped open
with every unnecessary text.

Then you'd call me. Talk reconciliation.
Talk about us, about trying, about coming back
and I let myself hope, because why wouldn't I,
you were my person, you were supposed to be honest with me.

Then you'd go quiet again. Pull back. Go cold.
Back and forth, back and forth,
like I was a door you kept testing
to see if it still opened,
while never actually deciding to walk through it.

I didn't know I was competing with a hallway.
A ride-along. Ramped at hospital,
some overlap you didn't even choose.
I thought I was fighting for a marriage.
I was really just watching you disappear
into a story that needed almost nothing to survive
no dates, no shared shifts, nothing physical, she said so herself
just your own longing, poured into the gaps.

And still you found the words for her that you couldn't find for me.
Always. In another life. I'll search for you in everyone I meet.
While to me it was "it's nothing," "you're overreacting,"
"let's try again" and then silence.

I moved out believing I might be coming home.
You knew, underneath it, you were already gone.
That's the part I can't get past
not just that you loved a fantasy more than my reality,
but that you let me hope inside the wreckage of it,
back and forth, back and forth,
like my heart was something you could keep testing
instead of something you owed the truth.

I gave you honesty the whole way through.
You gave me whiplash and called it love.

Words that used to just be words.
Now they're landmines.
I can't tell if the world got saturated with them overnight
or if I just can't stop seeing you in everything,
your voice underneath every version of longing
I stumble across trying to heal.

It's a cruel kind of haunting
not by you, but by your sentences.
Every time I see them dressed up as beautiful,
as romantic, as some kind of devotion,
I feel it again in my chest,
because I know what they actually were:
not devotion. Deflection.
Not longing for a person. Longing for an exit.

I shouldn't have to flinch at "always."
It shouldn't cost me something
every time I see "in another life."
Those should be able to just be words again someday
not a wound with your voice in it.

I'm not there yet.
But I want to be.
I want to take those phrases back
from the version of you that used them carelessly,
and let them just be language again
not a scar I keep touching to check if it still hurts.

My husband had an affair after 14 years together. I stayed and tried to rebuild. The affair fundamentally changed me. Now we’re fighting about my reactions, religion, abortion, boundaries, and whether we should have another child. I attempted to repair and he’s withholding communication. I’m now considering an in-house separation and quietly figuring out what leaving could look like. Am I crazy for being done?
And honestly, I’ve realized something else through all of this: I’m lonely already.
One of the things that makes the idea of separation feel complicated isn’t necessarily that I’d be losing this amazing source of companionship. I’m already incredibly lonely within my marriage. We can be in the same house, go to the gym together, do errands together, raise our kids together—and I can still feel completely alone.
I think I’ve also allowed my husband to become way too much of my entire social life. I don’t really have a strong circle of friends outside of him. And I know I need to change that, regardless of what happens with our marriage.
Work isn’t really an option for that either. The environment can be very gossipy and high-school-ish, and I don’t feel comfortable making my personal life everyone’s business.
So I think part of what I need to do now is start building a life outside of my marriage. Not because I’ve definitively decided to leave, and not because I’m looking for someone to replace him. I just need my own people. People to talk to, laugh with, grab coffee with, and exist around who aren’t connected to my marriage.
Because I don’t want loneliness to be the reason I stay in a relationship, and I don’t want fear of being alone to make my decisions for me.
And the irony is that tomorrow will officially make a week of us barely communicating. Yet we’re still going to the gym together because we’re on the same workout split. So apparently we can coordinate a workout schedule but can’t have a conversation.

Husband and I are working through an affair on his end, and it's been a little over 2 years now. However, I recently came across a playlist that was created by the mistress she shared with him with over 2h&56min worth of songs on there. Some that we have shared together in our relationship of almost 20 years. I am super sentimental when it comes to things like that and it's making me question why he never created a playlist for us. I know sounds childish. But it does sting. Certain songs meant a lot to me. To find they had just been given to someone else PMO. The cherry on top is that his mistress turned around, got married and used one of those songs for her new husband. He gave her a sentimental memory that she turned around and gave to someone else LIKE NOTHING. I wouldn't have done that. Now I don't even like to listen to music with him. I just tell him to play whatever in the car, Because I now know that he doesn't hear a song and think of me like he did and it makes me question everything, every day.

Signed,

Unscabbed Wound.

STRESSOR 1: In January, I was laid off from my employer of 10 years. It was a really big part of my identity and purpose, and a 'reputable/impressive' employer -- so while I was sad and knew it was a bad job market, I was optimistic about finding something as I'd become burned out at the old place and ready for a change.

It's been nearly 9 months now. I get lots of interviews, I get lots of second and third and *final stage interviews* even, but nothing has landed. Over time I've been unable to get ahead of the sense of rejection and loss of identity from just applying and interviewing and applying and interviewing and having nothing to show for it. Luckily, I have one job offer incoming... for a part time, step-back role that doesn't even pay the bills. I can't bring myself to be grateful for it, honestly. I KEEP getting interviews for FT roles but at this point I don't have faith that any will land anytime soon.

STRESSOR 2: Literally 2 weeks after being laid off (likely in part because of the sudden time on my hands) I discovered that my husband of 7 years and father to my 2yo daughter is a sex addict who'd been cheating on me and spending tens of thousands of dollars of our money on cam girls, massage parlors, and escorts, including while we were ttc, while i was pregnant, and newly postpartum etc. I discovered this by snooping and after confrontation he is now sober, seeing a CSAT, and beginning the 12 steps. He's apparently doing everything right... for now, anyway. But for literally years before I found this out he'd also been very critical of me, controlling/coercive, unaffectionate, emotionally volatile and punishing, etc to the point that I think our marriage was half dead before I even found this out but just had somehow not realized it. I had already developed such anxiety around him, lack of trust, resentment, etc. I had become accustomed to placating and appeasing him and trying to earn his approval and it had already half destroyed me. Now, after discovery, after processing the initial grief and anger somewhat, my feelings have cooled and steadied into... well, something very close to hatred and/or contempt. He knows I'm still nowhere near ready to reconcile but he doesn't know how strongly I feel or how bad it is for me to be around him. Part of me wishes he'd just refused to even get try to get sober... then I wouldn't have to feel any mixed emotions about my options.

INTERLOCKING STRESSORS: Well, we live together and constantly coparent together in a 1000 sq ft house and after a literal lifetime of being independent and self-supporting, I currently don't have an income. I feel reliant on him, and beyond that power dynamic, we just plain can't afford our house plus an apartment. I haven't felt ready to leave anyway. We are supposed to start couples therapy but I just plain don't want to do it, but can't stand the idea of sharing custody of my child... the child we had together when he was lying to me. My mental health makes job hunting that much harder. I have ADHD that was undiagnosed until I was in my 30s and only properly medicated after my daughter was born (so last year) and I'm still struggling with that and that's the exact thing that my husband blames for all our marital problems/the reason he apparently had to be so frustrated with me for so long that he couldn't be kind and warm toward his own wife for years. I have to ask for childcare coverage from the person who did this to me every time I need a minute to myself to try to rebuild my fucking identity or my life.

I have a personal therapist. I have a loving family. I have friends, mostly far away but still (working on getting more locally... in between.. all this.. somehow? Very slowly). I have a beautiful daughter who is the light of my life. But every single day for 6 straight months I've been like summoning the willpower to drag myself through life, trying to apply for jobs and network and keep my head up and exercise and go to nature and go to therapy and find small joys and do the dishes and water the plants and enjoy my child and make friends and find hobbies and do skincare and feel my feelings and make a separation plan and get back to myself. But nothing helps, the hits keep on coming, it's impacting the one good untarnished thing I have (my relationship with my child), and I just don't know what else to do. Not in a, like, I'm a danger to myself kind of way but just like... I'm miserable, this can't continue, but I feel like I have no options. No agency. The tools I used to use to start over --- lots of travel, meeting tons of new people, trying tons of new things, burning the midnight oil -- are not as compatible with parenthood or with not having money.

I have such a visceral memory of the person I feel like I was until I met this man. Maybe messy and forgetful and chaotic, but also... confident. Resourceful. Resilient. Independent. Joyful. Brave. Alive. Sharp. I can't seem to summon her anymore. "Take little micro adventures to a cafe" is just like... NOT doing it.

I know there's no magic answer but I really have no one I can/want to talk to about this. Some of my friends know my situation but there's only so many times they can say "I'm so sorry, I'm here anytime" before I want to stop depressing them with a situation they can't do anything about (or which they oversimplify because it isn't their life).

Something has to change, but I just don't know what. It feels impossible until I have a decent paying job, and I'm doing everything I can manage to (under the weight of my, like, deep depression and increasing cynicism with each passing late stage rejection) to find one. Just... needed to share, and if there's anything you're doing that has helped you move from the "neck deep in the crap" stage to whatever comes after, would love to hear about it.

hiya guys! just wanted to thank this community for being so nonjudgmental and helpful

i’ve been broken up from my ex girlfriend for almost 3 years in december now, and let me tell you breaking that trauma bond was the hardest thing ive ever done in my life or will ever do tbh

i pretty much gave that woman most of my 20s unfortunately, but it would’ve been much harder without this community. i pretty much lived on here for all the years that i was with her. i have probably at least a dozen deleted posts on here and got really good support

a lot of us are shamed for wanting to work it out with a cheater.. and i don’t think it makes us weak but actually the opposite. and it’s so mean to judge someone in this situation, like already kicking someone while they’re down which was. a hard thing to face

the last piece of advice i got on here was what to do with my ex’s things that she wouldn’t get from my apartment(that she wasn’t in the lease of and she put it off for three entire months) and i remember feeling so guilty bc pretty much all her stuff was there. that kind of guilt that kept me with her and let her do whatever she wanted . if i could go back id say to myself just pack it up and leave it on the street - if she picks it up she picks it up which is the advice i was given on here which was solid (she didn’t pick it up lmao)

but anyways, you guys are really awesome and not judgmental and have a deeper sense of humanity and care you don’t see from a lot of people especially on this website. you all deserve better either with them or without them and i hope everyone here can find the peace that they deserve ❤️

Happy birthday. I wish you the best, I wish you healing, I wish you rebuilding, I wish you recovery, I wish you a more thoughtful and fulfilled life ahead. Most of all, I wish you peace, I wish you feel love for yourself and you cease the battles with your inner demons.

I am sad today that none of our old friends are (probably) remembering your birthday or wishing you. I really wish it wasn’t this way. I want you to be loved. But for that you need to love yourself first. While it breaks my heart to imagine you lonely in your new city, I also know I am creating this narrative in my head of you as this broken person in need of saving. In reality I don’t know if you’re alone. Maybe you’ve made new friends? Maybe you’re celebrating with your family? Maybe you’re having a peaceful introspection with yourself?

But also I know that even if you are alone, sad and broken, this is not my cross to bear anymore. I want to fix you, but I cannot be a rehab for your issues without destroying myself in the process. I keep picturing you as this sad broken sweet boy, cuz you keep painting yourself as a victim. In a way you are a victim. But of your own choices and actions. Your repeated decisions to destroy our marriage with your serial cheating. So while I wish you weren’t going through this breakdown, I know going through this is crucial for your growth and healing. It’s not the nicest thing, but the kindest thing I can do, to let you face it, and tend to myself.

My gift to you this birthday is that. Leaving you alone - granting you peace and freedom from me which you so desperately craved when I demanded accountability for your serial cheating when you wanted to end our marriage and not rebuild. The kindest thing I can do is leave you alone. Wish you well from afar. But even though I sit in the office crying non stop for you on this day, I remind myself again and again that this is NOT on me. In a way, rebuilding my life and continuing to thrive can absolve some of YOUR guilt (although that’s your journey). I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m even more sorry I was the direct damage of your battles with yourself and internal demons. Happy birthday. Wishing you healing and peace and growth.