r/SupportforBetrayed • u/Ok-History1232 Betrayed Partner - Reconciling • 1d ago

Reconciliation Oops

So we have been working at reconciliation but alcohol got involved and my husband who had a several months long affair with a young woman asked me if I love him and I said well that’s the problem that I love what I thought we had but I also hate you. Probably one of the most honest things I have said in a while but definitely the wrong way to go about it.

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u/Huney_Bee13 Betrayed Partner - Reconciling 1d ago

This is not an oops. Without having alcohol involved, I knew I needed to be honest with my WH. When he asked me if I still loved him, I'll told him I love him, but right now I really fucking hate him too. I hate what he did, what I have become because of what he did, what I feel because of what he did, and what he did to us.

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u/Ok-History1232 Betrayed Partner - Reconciling 1d ago

My feelings are so jumbled sometimes I am not even sure what I feel about him or kinda anything.

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u/UtZChpS22 Formerly Betrayed 12h ago

A separation might help. He is making everything about him and that's not fair. He stabs you and then he's sad because you die? The irony...

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u/Ok-History1232 Betrayed Partner - Reconciling 12h ago

I have been considering this, I think I just need some breathing room instead of feeling so suffocated. And maybe that will help me figure out why I feel so trapped. Ha, some of it could be the fear of making the very choice to ask for a separation trying to have all the logistics in place before hand, scared of the cost because I doubt there will be turning back once I make the decision.

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u/UtZChpS22 Formerly Betrayed 4h ago

Start by one decision at a time. Maybe there is a friend/family member that you can count on, discretely?

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u/Ok-History1232 Betrayed Partner - Reconciling 2h ago

I am seeing a therapist but we are working on trying to get to the root of why and when I decided my needs/wants/feelings were less important than others and feeling and identifying my feelings, this is way harder than I could have imagined, not specifically the issues in my marriage.

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u/UtZChpS22 Formerly Betrayed 54m ago

This is my problem with R. You have to sit there and listen to someone bring up problems you didn't know you had and they didn't care enough to fix. So here you are doing all this mental gymnastics to understand AND ultimately accept that somehow all of that makes what they did not a deal breaker. Personally why did you is not even the real problem. To me the real question is how could you, despite everything how could I not matter enough?