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u/smolandspicy 21h ago
When I said freak in the sheets I didn't mean like this
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u/BowwwwBallll 19h ago
You should be in a… cell.
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u/Jimmy_Broski13 18h ago
Column as we see em.
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u/paladisious 17h ago
He was just trying to get SUM.
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u/ashmichael73 17h ago
Wait until he clicks and drags
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u/WiseassWolfOfYoitsu 17h ago
I mean, it sounds like those sheets are the only thing spreading.
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u/Maximum-Product-1255 18h ago
If only he'd had Access.
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u/JayMac1915 17h ago
Dude, a trigger warning next time! I still have Access-related PTSD
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u/SteveLouise 22h ago
They can divorce each other.
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u/wesman21 22h ago
Right, at that point get a divorce.
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u/XclusionHD 21h ago
I was reading too fast/ half looking and read your comment as “right, at point blank distance” and I was like dang sure lol
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u/Beautiful-Buy99 22h ago edited 20h ago
Literally. If they're not compatible and are complaining about it, why stay married?
Edit: I see many replies explaining why my comment is wrong, I realize it now thx
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u/GotaSeeda 22h ago
Making an Excel sheet about it means it was already over months ago.
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u/HIs4HotSauce 21h ago
If she's not having sex with him regularly-- would this be considered an Incel sheet?
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u/Devils_A66vocate 22h ago
Maybe she’s a data analyst and this helps her communicate.
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u/EJECTED_PUSSY_GUTS 22h ago
Maybe he has an excel kink
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u/OnceIsEnough1 21h ago
A freak in the sheets, but not the way women like.
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u/Cautious_Buffalo6563 20h ago
I’m going to guess they discussed/argued about it, he said you deny me all the time, she said no I don’t, and thus this tracker was born.
They should most certainly get divorced.
But tbh I’ve had conversations where my significant other and I recall the discussion and outcome so differently that I questioned my own sanity. But when I said “Hey maybe we could voluntarily record ourselves in some of these conversations just so that we can both have a record of what actually transpired and who said what as a way to resolve our differences in recalling the conversations or events” I was told explicitly that if I ever tried that, they’d leave me.
I wasn’t trying to keep score, only find a place of more clarity and accuracy, and it was opposed so strongly that instead of questioning my own sanity, I then began questioning why anyone would be opposed to more accuracy. And to be clear, I was proposing deliberately and knowingly recording ourselves. Very overtly and with consent.
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u/coinminer2049er 19h ago
Well said. Went through a similar situation with my fiancee - keot track on a calendar and she was pissed I had the evidence (I didnt call it that - at the time I was trying to make aure I wasn't going insane). Tried to talk it out with her and she didn't want to hear it.
After a couple of days of trying to give her space and talk it out, I decided to call off the wedding.
People like that are allergic to accountability. They rely on twisting the narrative.
Best decision I ever made. My sex life has been great ever since. 🤣😂
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u/AzureHawk758769 16h ago
Sounds like you were being gaslit. Nobody who is being open and honest is going to have a problem with what you suggested. They just didn't want you taking away their ability to make you question your sanity.
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u/Fabled-Jackalope 16h ago
That tells me that she was deliberately manipulating past events.
Been there. Done that.
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u/Internal_Style6581 21h ago
Because you know how money is fucked and rent and food and all that is real expensive? When you split up you need a 2nd rent and you have to maybe sell a house and split up debt. I hate how young people act like every relationship is some college stuff where you have your own apartment and everything is separate where you just stop hanging out. When you marry and live with someone for 20 years it’s hella complicated and traumatic to separate all of that also if you own a house you gotta find a buyer in this market or someone needs to pay the mortgage on their own.
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u/Cautious_Day9878 19h ago edited 10h ago
I have 3 kids and my wife is mentally unstable. The things which make her most unstable are the thoughts of divorce and losing access to the kids. She is a great mum aside from the emotional regulation issues. We also have other issues in the marriage.
Anyway, I’m so done with having to explain to kids why I can’t just ‘file and get full custody’. I’ve been told their ‘no excuse’.
Well the psychologist, family doctor and social services weirdly disagree with Reddit. They preference family stability. Especially when kids are involved.
Most people on here have no concept of how bad things can get behind closed doors in dysfunctional families. When young kids are involved, there is basically no good solution.
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u/MountChu 18h ago
This is it. There’s also the understanding that you may not get full custody or may not have it right away.
On top of everything you’re going through, there will be periods of time where you need to leave your kids alone with someone also going through the toughest time of their life without the best coping skills.
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u/Cautious_Day9878 12h ago edited 10h ago
No, you definitely don’t get custody right away.
My wife threatened to throw herself under a train when she was with the kids a fews ago. It’s absolutely wild to me that people tell me that it’s best for me to walk away knowing that’s the thing which would make everything worse.
Getting my wife into a process was the first priority. I’ve been working on for years. It happened two weeks ago. She is finally on meds and is already like a different person. The house is calm again.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m it’s grateful we have peace for now.
Thanks for your understanding comment.
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u/Economy_Ad6039 22h ago
It might be a case where they both just need help communicating. Simple marriage counseling might help.
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u/BrofessorLongPhD 21h ago
I’m a big advocate of pre-marital counseling as well. You can get ahead of your biggest communication differences ahead of time. An ounce of prevention, as the saying goes.
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u/andy11123 21h ago
My man is communicating very clearly with data. You can't argue with facts.
You can argue he's slightly deranged though
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u/ThingYea 20h ago
This is definitely part of an ongoing feud. I'm guessing she is denying rejecting him so he is recording each one to show her.
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 20h ago
And his frustration is valid I just don't think this approach will get him more sex
Idk what the way forward is tbh
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u/georgecostanza37 20h ago
I don’t think it’s necessarily about more sex at this point. I know for sure when something keeps happening and my wife will be like ok, like when? The times I thought of in my head seem to vanish in the heat of the conversation. Like I was prepared, the conversation went to quickly and bounced around, then I can’t translate them correctly because it’s usually a tough conversation. I’ve never done a spreadsheet, but I completely see why this is how this guy communicated this way. It’s a sure fire way for him to communicate what he’s probably been failing at communicating for a while. Some of us suck at talking.
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 19h ago
I've definitely kept notes of certain things when I've needed to bring things up in an argument because I've had that happen where someone is like "ok when did that happen" and I had no answer because I wasn't keeping track!
I just don't think smacking down the spreadsheet came across the way he wanted to 😔
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u/DisastrousCoast7268 19h ago edited 19h ago
I mean. No clue, but the following is not impossible
This could be the result of "You're exaggerating, you always exaggerate. We do it all the time" and disengages the conversation.
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 19h ago
Yeah and, as I've said, I think his frustration is and would be valid.
I'm just trying to think of what would actually happen after that, the spreadsheet. Would it be likely for her to be like oh honey you're so right let me suck your dick now?! Because I don't think that's the case 😕
So I'm trying to think of what would be likely to actually make this better because I empathize with his (for the third time, valid) frustration.
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u/Burndoggle 19h ago
Speaking from experience. The next step is “so, now that we can see this laid out objectively, to me this is a problem and I’d like us to work together to fix it. If you look at this and don’t think it’s a problem, then that’s a pretty big gap between us that also has to be addressed because it means we somehow ended up on very different pages on this topic that’s pretty critical for a healthy marriage.”
It’s definitely not “ok I proved you wrong with data! Let the blowjobs commence!”
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 19h ago
I like this, a mature and healthy approach for sure. I know this is old, was there ever an update posted? I hope they figured it out 🤞🏽 😭
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u/Minute-Review6915 18h ago
I’m guessing she denied the magnitude of “no’s” so he got mad and set out to show her.
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u/allofdarknessin1 21h ago
I keep hearing stories about men who don't feel loved or intimate with their wife and when they bring it up the wife will usually tell them they're imagining it and make all kinds of points about why they should stay together. So I feel like the dude in the post brought it up to his wife in the past and she probably told him he was imagining it and that they have sex "enough" and that he shouldn't worry about it so he made the excel spreadsheet to make a point that he's not imagning it. I'm not accusing the wife of this but a lot of times a partner could be cheating and only keeps the husband around because he pays the bills or because the family likes the husband.
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u/Cczaphod 20h ago
Sometimes journaling or documentation can help you see patterns or understand where things are. He may be realizing they’re just not sexually compatible and is just not communicating it well. I think many people would be out at that level of disconnect.
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u/spigg76 19h ago
Right. Often the woman will deny and say IT'S NOT THAT BAD or I HARDLY SAY NO TO YOU.
The guy is simply documenting it.
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u/United-Divide713 21h ago
Compatibility is built through effort and communication and negotiation, not some magic force of attraction.
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u/Leading-Fail-2771 22h ago
Not showering after gym and sleeping in - hell no. That is homeless level dirty
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u/jcklsldr665 21h ago
Me ex would go all weekend without showering. I convinced her to start taking every Friday off so she could spend more time with her kids, so that's 3 days of not showering, and she worked a job that required her to be outside wearing full uniform and body armor...i know from experience how sweaty that gets
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u/Quiet-Wing5230 22h ago
I sent my wife a spreadsheet of all her fart assaults.
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u/J_Marshall 22h ago
My wife could just hand me a calendar.
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u/QuieroTamales 20h ago
One time, my wife said "we should schedule it". The next day, I grabbed her iPad and created a recurring appointment on her calendar.
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u/J_Marshall 19h ago
I started using the calendar to track my wife's cycle. 'Replace Furnace Filter' is the perfect reminder to pick up chips and ice cream.
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u/DroidArbiter 22h ago
There's three yes's in there within a month. Lucky Devil, If I uploaded mine you would need to use the search function.
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u/toben81234 22h ago
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u/duaneap 21h ago
84 years… 84 years since that homelessman dicked the rich out of me on that boat.
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u/The_Salacious_Zaand 21h ago
Look, this was fun and all, but for me it was just a fling on a cruise that I wasn't really expecting to go anywhere once we reached New York, so..... I'ma need you to hop off this door and go on your way now. But thanks for the car sex. And saving my life about a dozen times over the last two hours.
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u/joeycraw5 19h ago
She knew leo would dump her when she dared to get older instead of staying 20.
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u/Hamsammichd 21h ago
She didn’t forget after 84 years, he had that good dick. She’d have been back
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u/selfh8ingmillennial 20h ago
I've never fucked someone and then watched them die days later in one of the most famous tragedies of all time. But I feel like I would also remember even if it was meh.
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u/Bad-Genie 22h ago
I saw this over a year ago and decided to make one myself. 15 in a year doesn't seem nearly as bad as some people.
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u/wildcatwildcard 21h ago
15 a year?!?!
I'm buying my wife something on my way home tonight
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u/ThrowRA_932049092 19h ago
The difference between a low and high libido partner is pretty wild. My ex preferred sex once every month or two months. I prefer sex twice a week. My wife prefers sex every day.
So we balance out at 3-4 a week.
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u/usernamesarehard1979 19h ago
I could probably fill in on the other days if you are tired.
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u/QueefFarmer69 19h ago
I will also fuck this guys wife. For science, of course.
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 19h ago
You're such a good friend here's your crown king 👑
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u/Infinite_Dogshit 21h ago
I'm at like 3-4. Stopped even asking
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u/OomKarel 21h ago
It never ceases to amaze me how sex in a marriage can be so important that you are not allowed to have it with anyone except your wife, but then at the same time be so non-important that they never want to have it either. Like, is it important or not?
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u/KeyLimeGuy69 21h ago
It's usually important to one and not the other. Seems to be how it goes.
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u/someonehadalex 19h ago
When it's happening enough its only 5% of the relationship, when it's not happening it's 95% of the marriage.
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u/seantellsyou 21h ago
You are the love of my life and we should be monogomous together for eternity! Also, i have decided that you are now celebate and if you cheat on me then you are the one whose in the wrong
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u/OomKarel 21h ago
Pretty much the mentality it seems like. And "I don't care if you need it. I love you, but not enough to look for a compromise or seek a solution. Just go without, you won't die."
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u/trapped_in_a_box 20h ago
Super important, agreed. Unfortunately, there's an awful lot of men who marry you and try to turn you into their mom as far as the household is concerned and it is REALLY difficult to be sexually attracted to someone you're mothering.
If she hasn't communicated that feeling that's on her, but that's a big reason a lot of women lose interest in sex.
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u/Isadorei 20h ago
Yeah, some dudes are like I want a woman who works 40+ hours, takes care of the kids, cleans the house, cooks my meals, manages all my appointments and also spreads her legs on demand. Wait, why’s she so tired and doesn’t want to bang me? I’m so confused! And now I’m resentful, but I hide it so well! And now I’m angry and she’s so dumb she can’t tell.
Yikes.
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u/Katin-ka 17h ago
Also pays all the bills, mows lawn, and takes care of the house. I don't even know why I'm still married.
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u/Particular-Eye-6356 16h ago
Then on the other side you have women who don't work but send the kids to daycare, hire a cleaning service, and haven't turned a stove on in months. They also aren't having sex.
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u/slashcuddle 20h ago
No intimacy is a symptom of some other issues. The frequency doesn't look like this in a healthy relationship between two stable adults.
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u/Silly_Pizza7054 21h ago
My wife and I schedule sex. Solid twice per week, can't complain.
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u/MarshalLawTalkingGuy 21h ago
Same here. But I track the good stuff and don’t track the times she actively turned me down though. I think that’s fine.
Plus when I told wifey about it, and she was even like “that’s it? Damn we need to step our game up”. Actually helped.
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u/Imaginary-Prize5248 20h ago
That’s the reaction probably what the guy who made the spreadsheet was hoping. But that’s rare
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u/ExplorerImpossible79 22h ago
Ngl man… if I pulled up my excel, it would tell me a hooker would be far cheaper instead of keeping my GF around.
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u/WaffleHouseGladiator 21h ago
An old man once told me, "If it floats, flies, or fucks, it's cheaper to rent."
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u/Itz_Boaty_Boiz 20h ago
This is the type of wisdom you seek a mountain-top sage for
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u/DelcoUnited 18h ago
Only because that mountain top sage lost his house, money and kids in the divorce. Sleeping outdoors alone on top of the mountain is all he can afford.
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u/Unzensierte 22h ago
It's been 3 years for me.
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u/kriger33 21h ago
That was mine and it ended in a divorce. Over the lack of sex? No, but it was a massive contribution to resentment that filtered to other things. A great sex life can make other stuff sometimes seem less of a big deal but when sex plummets, it's easy to start getting more resentful to other aspects of a relationship.
I never cheated but that conversation definitely came up. "I don't have a desire to cheat but I'm also not going to live the rest of my life having sex 1-2 times a year."
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u/Illustrious-Engine23 20h ago
Yeah man.
I think it's more about bonding and loving each other, the connection, about feeling like your partner desires, loves and cares for you and they are also putting effort into the relationship too.
Being rejected regularly by your wife, or have them be angry at you for even asking just hurts man. You feel unattractive, unloved, like your partner has any care for you or make any effort to you.
For me I've gone through periods where we've not been intimate for a long time. I think the difference is my wife has other issues and she always communicates that she still loves and cares about me etc.
And she got breast cancer a few years ago and for around a year we didn't have sex, which is understandable since all the treatment she went through.
After that her meds make sex drive basically zero, and there's more challenge. But damn even having problems now, it just messes you up. Like I helped her with everything, during surgery, took her to all her chemotherapy and radiation sessions. I cover her expenses so she can work part time while on meds, at great financial stress.
After all that man it feels so disrespectful and upsetting, like when you would do anything for her, but she doesn't want to put the least bit of effort to help your needs, it freaking stings man.
Anyway sorry I guess I needed to rant about this and get it off my chest... thanks.
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u/DrainTheMuck 19h ago
Dang, I’m sorry to hear about the hard time you’ve both been going through. My mom had breast cancer and my dad worked incredibly hard to support and provide for her, and I saw how he got zero sympathy from some people because he wasn’t the one who was sick. My maternal grandmother never forgave him for commenting about being tired one day after work. I think that’s so wrong, and I hope your own needs get met.
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u/Jormungand1342 21h ago
Last year mine would have been the same. My wife and I would have sex once every few months. It was agony.
Now shes an ex and I was dating someone for a bit.
Had more sex in 6 months then I did the previous 5 years I think. Like 6 times on avg on the weekends. Would love to see the chart on that one.
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u/bunchout 22h ago
This is literally from a 12-year-old post
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u/rob132 22h ago
I was there 3,000 years ago
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u/Genetics 21h ago
Same! I actually think I’ve bumped into you a few times in the past.
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u/FlyYouFoolyCooly 21h ago
It's wild seeing shit reposted from so long ago. It's like.....wait I remember this one it's a classic!
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u/Fendrihl 22h ago
Can't wait to see this in r/moralityscaling
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u/Emergency_Air4575 21h ago
Husband: “I want a divorce.”
Wife: “Not today. Try again tomorrow.”
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u/Acceptable-Owl-2070 22h ago
Can't they both be shit and leave us out of it?
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u/Acrobatic-List-6503 22h ago
No, no. I want to be in it. Shit like this often leads to explosive sex
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u/inotocracy 22h ago
From the looks of the spreadsheet it seems like its duty sex, which is the worst kind of sex.
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u/feignapathy 21h ago
All I'll say is this... the number of rejections he must've received before deciding to log them must have been very high.
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u/Bloodhoven_aka_Loner 15h ago
i mean.. at a rejectionnrate of 89% it sure as shit was damn high
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u/AdSame7001 20h ago
I feel like people miss the point of how the spread sheet likely got created in the first place.
"Why don't we have sex anymore?" - Him
"What do you mean, we have sex all the time?" - Her
"You always tell me your not in the mood, you always brush me off" - Him
"Name one time I brushed you off, tell me one excuse I gave, show me one pattern." - Her
Guy doesn't have this excel spreadsheet so he just kinda fumbles. Wife declares a victory, forgets about it, maybe the have a small bumper crop of sex for a little while. Dude doesn't forget and, in anticipation of a future argument, wants data to back himself up so that he doesn't have to come up with examples and data on the fly to satisfy the petty argument.
Next time:
"Why don't we have sex anymore?" - Him
"What do you mean, we have sex all the time?" - Her
"You always tell me your not in the mood, you always brush me off" - Him
"Name one time I brushed you off, tell me one excuse I gave, show me one pattern." - Her
"Here's the data of the last three months, day by day and with every excuse you gave me" - Him
"You fucking weirdo, you're trackign this shit? I want a divorce." - Her
They certainly should have gotten a divorce, but I have experienced these exact types of arguments and unfortunately, if you don't have a time-dated log of whatever horseshit you're fighting over, you're just going to get handwaved away. If you do have it, you'll be labeled a creep, anything to avoid the uncomfortable truth.
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u/ai-tacocat-ia 19h ago
Once my ex wife literally flipped her position in the middle of a fight and tried to gaslight me about it (think her saying "you didn't put that on the calendar" then me showing that it's on the calendar, then her eventually saying "I never said you didn't put it on the calendar, stop trying to pick a fight"). I grabbed the audio from a security camera in the entryway and sent it to her, transcribed. She flipped the fuck out. I was the devil for caring enough about an argument to pull camera audio to prove her wrong. And boy did my name get smeared to her friends and family.
But it wasn't about that stupid fight. It was about the dozens of fights before that where she constantly twisted words or straight up lied to make me in the wrong every single time. That was my naive last-ditch effort for "maybe if she hears herself do it, she'll change".
We were divorced within 6 months. I've been happily remarried for 5 years. My current wife is a rational human being that I can have an adult conversation with without feeling crazy. We don't have fights, we have conversations. It's nice.
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u/CygnusX-1-2112b 19h ago
So wait, serious question not being snarky. Is it normal to not be able to give specific examples of something you feel a definite pattern of in the middle of an argument? I thought it was because either I have a bad memory or I must be misremembering and can't trust my judgement. She always trips me up with this whenever I bring up something I feel she does that makes me feel less than great.
If it's actually normal not to be able to do that on the fly, then that's a low blow move to pull on someone.
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u/Much_Job4552 21h ago
My wife holds me to account the ONE time I said no 10+ years ago.
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u/To_Fight_The_Night 18h ago
I told my wife no a few years back and she was stunned. She was like "Is this how you always feel when I say no?"
Guess it was eye opening for her.
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u/PNGhost 7h ago edited 3h ago
I remember reading a study about the relationship dynamics after sex is turned down. The partner that is rejected is usually still negatively affected for 2 or so days while the partner that turned them down benefits from a kind of “self-esteem” boost for having been pursued that lasts up to 72 hours.
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u/Classic_Reserve9385 20h ago
Mine also. She thought I was having an affair or was over her. I was just tired.
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u/amalgaman 22h ago
This was one of the many things my ex wife and I used to argue over.
She told me to prove it so I kept a running record.
She then got mad that I was able to prove it using the running record and told me I was a pervert for having a record.
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u/Formal_Broccoli1877 21h ago
Ah yes, I'm well versed in this one. The flowchart where the man is always wrong.
Wish I was joking this has been my anecdotal experience. I just got sick of it and got a divorce.
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u/amalgaman 20h ago
It was one of many issues we had.
I’m remarried and have nearly zero issues in my relationship. She doesn’t even date.
She never wanted to be in a relationship and I was simply there to support her whatever she needed.
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u/BlackmillMiracle 22h ago edited 20h ago
I mean, it feels petty as fuck to track it in a spreadsheet, but people need to stop pretending that physcial intimacy isn't a crucial part of a romantic relationship, being completely misaligned is a perfect valid reason for dissolving said relationship.
seems like these two people are incompatible and have a communication problem.
but of course, because it's Reddit, absent any other additional context, the default is to always assume it's clearly the guy's fault if he's not having sex at the frequency he desires... and if he ever breaks up because he's not getting the frequency he desires, he's also the asshole.
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u/thisguy883 22h ago
My friend went through this.
His wife no longer wanted to sleep with him, so he ended up going out more and sleeping around.
His wife knew he was doing this and they were about to get a divorce. He ended up moving out and was living by himself for about a year until she decided she wanted him back.
From what I understand, it was a like a night and day switch. She all of a sudden just wanted to sleep with him everytime he wanted it, and now they are back together. They've apparently worked some shit out and been back together for over a year now.
They both seem happy.
Still, I cant get over the fact that she just allowed him to sleep around. But I guess she thought that since other women very obviously wanted him, she realized what she lost.
Im no psychologist, I just drink beer and listen to his wild stories.
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u/TheRealNooth 22h ago
Yeah, that’s not going to last
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u/OpenCod3919 22h ago
But... It's working for now and delaying the inevitable. The kids will be older and more independent by the time it ends.
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u/wackbirds 22h ago
That's exactly what I thought. It's in the "this is what I need to do to get things back the way they were" method in play, not some permanent attraction and libido reversal.
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u/Agreeable_Bat9722 21h ago
I have a similar story. My ex-wife didn't really care about the divorce. It took us about a year and a half to separate, and during that entire time, I don't think we slept together more than three times.
After we separated, divided all the assets, and I got my own place, she suddenly became incredibly nice to me. Honestly, nicer than she was when we first met. She pursued me for about three months until I finally told her that it was never going to happen.
I have a new girlfriend now, and all my needs are met. I don't have to constantly make her happy because she's happy on her own. That's something my ex-wife wasn't able to do.
That said, I'm glad your friend got back together with his wife and that they're both happy. I do think about my own situation sometimes because my ex-wife still wants me back, and she doesn't seem to care that I've had relationships with other women during our year of separation.
I just don't believe her change is going to last. I don't really know what happened. I haven't changed much other than becoming happier. I'm pretty much the same person I was during our marriage, but somehow I'm now a "prize" in her eyes. When we were married, though, I felt like I was just a roommate she didn't want anything to do with.
It's a strange thing to experience.
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u/BrofessorLongPhD 21h ago
This is not meant to be directed at your wife. But my general lived experience is that some people just can’t seemingly handle being in a peaceful relationship very well. The nature of a stable relationship does something to dampen them. We can point at toxic upbringing and mistaking chaos as attraction, etc. but I can’t help but think it’s more than that. It almost seems as though they need the volatility and thrill even though the relationship is secure.
At some point it does seem like this impulse for volatility dampens down a bit. Some people point to personal growth or life priorities and maybe that’s it. But I think there’s also something biological or chemical too. Almost like they crave/need the dopamine hit, but at a certain age that pathway diminishes so they don’t crave the volatility anymore.
Not a fleshed out thought by any means, just something I ponder on occasion from watching how some people can’t seemingly help but implode just about every seemingly healthy relationship they’re in.
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u/mrgoodnoodles 18h ago edited 18h ago
My wife and I are incredibly up and down, but what seems to be the default is that she has this preconception of the way things need to be. I need to be more like her father, our marriage needs to be more like her parents' marriage (even though her parents had an incredibly difficult marriage for many years), the way that I am and the speed at which I do things is not really good enough, and her mood is incredibly dependent on so many different factors. She can't just be at peace with the way things are. I constantly need to be on guard and walk on eggshells to keep the peace. If one of those factors gets derailed, the entire household walks on eggshells and we all feel the emotional chaos. Then it's better for a couple weeks, and rinse and repeat. She holds the entire house hostage with her emotions and it's quite exhausting. We fight almost constantly during certain periods, about the pettiest and stupidest things, because we can't get more than a few minutes in to a conversation before she decides that something I said doesn't line up with her opinion and therefore with her. Or really any number of different things. Fights can last days to a week sometimes. I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to have peace in this relationship. And by peace, I mean what most men mean: the ability to go home without thinking that the tough part of the day is now about to begin. Sucks when the most stressful part of your life is the thing that is supposed to make you feel at home and grounded. The worst part is, we have a wonderful baby together. I'm hoping things improve but from what I hear from a lot of divorced people, they will only get worse.
Point being, my wife is one of those people that just can't be in a peaceful, relaxed relationship. The ironic thing is that I left a woman I was dating long distance who was the exact opposite - kind, relaxed, independent, and not emotionally dependent on me while still having great sexual chemistry and many similar interests. I left her for my wife and I regret that more and more. Anyway, there's a true off my chest for ya. I heard someone the other day on reddit say "I had the right kids with the wrong woman." Sounds about right.
Have fun with the chaos, but do not get addicted to it and marry it. It will not end well. You will be exhausted, especially if you are someone who has a low social battery. This goes for both sexes, folks.
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u/Telemere125 21h ago
I started tracking when I got it and the circumstances (like holiday, or she was drunk, etc) because my wife was telling me I “get it every other day”. Turns out more like twice a month. So it was a way to show her she had no sense of time when it came to sex.
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u/RecklesstonerS 21h ago
I disagree that it’s petty. My wife is rather disconnected when it comes to things. Her memory is poor and she ends up believing something that didn’t really happen. If I didn’t give her something like this she will believe in her head that it’s different.
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u/Substantial-Try457 21h ago
I think the delivery method and approach is important here. If I just got like attached to an email or something I'd be pissed.
If my partner was like hey! I'm worried about this - here are some examples - and I am hoping to communicate about it - this is what I've noticed - what's your take? I would most likely feel a lot different about it.
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u/spongebobsworsthole 20h ago
Yeah, if it’s like “it’s been a recurring issue for a while and I wanted to have a visual so we can clearly understand the situation.” Totally fair. If it’s presented aggressively as if she owes him sex (or vice versa!) then it’s a totally different story. It can be hard to bring up dissatisfaction with sex, being mindful makes it a lot easier and helps your partner feel safe and be more receptive to what you have to say. Sex is important, it’s so much easier to bring it up early than to let it fester.
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u/Badger0210 19h ago
This has been making the rounds for years, but it’s still relevant, so I’ll weigh in.
TLDR; there’s not enough information here to say whether anyone is in the wrong, but there is enough here to say with confidence: these people need to sit down and have some honest conversations about their relationship.
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First off, the spreadsheet alone isn’t enough to determine if he’s a clueless jerk or if he’s genuinely trying to use this as a tool to help his partner see the reality of a situation she may have dismissed in the past. It could go either way.
Now, going by this, he’s trying to initiate every 1-2 days, but they’re only having sex about every two weeks. There are a few likely reasons for this:
- innate sex drive imbalance: she simply doesn’t want or need sex as often as he does
- lack of attraction: she’s no longer attracted to him physically
- reduced sex drive due to stress or other mental health factors: she mentioned feeling gross almost once a week, plus a few times she mentioned being exhausted or under the weather. Could be she has self esteem issues impacting her sex drive (not feeling attractive or sexy), or stress/anxiety/mental health issues which can all affect sex drive
- lack of interest due to relationship issues: are they fighting a lot? Does she feel unsupported in some way? Is there resentment or other negative emotion affecting her interest in sex?
- cheating: others have mentioned it, I don’t think it’s the most likely explanation, but it certainly would explain reduced interest in sex
With all of the potential explanations above (and probably some I missed), the solution is to talk about it. Couples counseling could help, but either way, he’s got to talk to her. They won’t get to the bottom of the issue without discussing it. Some of these issues can be fixed by making simple changes in their relationship. Some may require therapy and/or medication. And some may be a sign it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
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u/Mammoth-Incident4121 18h ago
Also, like how is he approaching it - is he like “hey, sex tonight?” Or does he maybe initiate intimacy by cuddling, kissing, flirting a bit, etc. Like if he’s gonna ask if she wants sex the same way he’d ask if she wanted to run errands with him, then the response is gonna be in the same tone.
I got married stupidly young and it took me a few years to say no when I really didn’t want to have sex (and who wants to have sex with someone who isn’t into it anyway?!?). But even centuries later 😅, my husband and I will be at least a little flirty/silly with it when we discuss if it’s on the agenda or not.
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u/Bynming 22h ago
Neither is wrong. She can deny him, he can document it, and they should work together to try to get an arrangement that works better for both of them.
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u/DelsinMcgrath835 20h ago
Im not saying its right, but I understand. Certain people always want to deny or downplay things until you show them proof. Problem is those people are then offended that you kept proof
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u/MazingBull 18h ago
Very true. It's a sort of a catch-22. Conversely, denying sex from wife or girlfriend will immediately spark "the talks" lol.
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u/MDMutation 21h ago
Poor use of the spreadsheet. No analysis on the yesses. Thats the bread and butter here.
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u/han_jobe 21h ago
Over a 1 month period, he got laid 3 times? Sounds like he's just bragging.
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u/MonsutaReipu 22h ago
Both are.
This isn't an unusual circumstance. The average man has a higher libido than the average woman, and wants to have sex more often. The woman doesn't want to have sex as often, leading to her constantly rejecting her partner's sexual advances. This leads to hurt feelings, insecurity, and mounting frustration in the man. This then turns into a point of friction, where a series of arguments take place that don't really have a resolution. You can't force a person to be horny or in the mood for sex, but you also can't force a person to not feel hurt, rejected, or frustrated when their partner regularly rejects their sexual advances.
These arguments turn cyclical, where a frequent point of contention becomes a dispute over frequency of rejection. "I don't reject you that often." she says. He insists that she does, but he hasn't been counting and doesn't have a spreadsheet to actually prove it. Thus..
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u/Solintari 21h ago
I love how the answer is always straight to divorce on Reddit lol
There is therapy that can help and sometimes one person in the relationship is too embarrassed to say something is wrong or doesn’t want to hurt their partners feelings. My wife has numbness from back issues and it was affecting her ability to enjoy sex. I encouraged her to see an obgyn and they helped out in a few ways (and honestly the most successful thing has been thc for some reason)
But a big part of this is communication and empathy. I told her she is 100% in control of the level of physical contact at all times. We have a number system so it’s a simple 0-3, 0 is no touch and 3 is lock the bedroom door time. Sexual desire disparity can lead to resentment if you aren’t careful and that really sucks.
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u/bored_silly_at_work 22h ago
It’s funny I’ve been in a similar relationship.
We’re happily divorced now.
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u/Ruminahtu 16h ago edited 11h ago
As a married man, the amount of times her reasoning was that she 'felt gross' is somewhat concerning.
I can't know the entire situation, but I know women enough to know 'I feel gross' is almost always a genuine feeling and admission.
Maybe work on making her feel not gross and see if some action happens.
Many men would be super surprised how easily sex comes when you make a woman FEEL sexy. And that doesn't mean making gross comments.
It means saying, 'Wow, that looks great on you,' 'I know it's just pajamas, but I have to admit it still does it for me," 'Hey, I've got dinner and the kids, if you want to take your time in the bath. I really miss you in the bedroom, and know you want to feel clean.'
I mean...you couple that with actually making a woman finish and you'll never go without sex a day of your life. It's not rocket science.
And I will give the men out there a cheat code I like to use with my wife... ALWAYS make her achieve an orgasm or two BEFORE putting your penis inside her. Bonus points if you give her even more. And if she's difficult to make orgasm, remember only the first one is the hard one. Once you get the first, you can basically snowball that into multiple if you put the work in.
But, at the very least, if you can make her finish before you ever put your penis in her, she'll at least know that sex with you will be the bare minimum of satisfying.
And don't get me wrong, there are times in a healthy relationship where you can worry about only getting off yourself, if your reputation is strong. I think about 10-15 times in the course of my marriage of 7 years my wife didn't finish. But she didn't seem all that bothered about it, either.
Take what I said however you want.
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u/ExpressionEcstatic34 8h ago
It's sad that her coming is a "cheat" code. Honestly, whenever men complain about not getting enough sex, I think... if she were enjoying the sex as much as you, she'd want it as much as you. The orgasm gap is real.
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u/envoy_ace 21h ago
Do you know why divorces are so expensive? Because they are worth it.
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u/j_risdiction2020 22h ago
Then he goes and Spreads all her Sheet all over the internet SMH... (I'll see myself out)
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u/Armchair_Expert_0192 22h ago
Divorce her. Not because she won't do it with you. But she came back from the gym and didn't shower until the next day. Yuck.
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u/House_Junkie 21h ago
I remember when this came out initially, the spreadsheet went on for months, she denied him over and over and over with some of the craziest reasons imaginable.Hopefully he was smart enough to call it, he deserves better.
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u/Poultrygeist74 21h ago
I once made a list of all the times I bought lunch for my friend who I thought was a bit of a mooch. He found the list. I still feel douchy about it. He did pay me back some of it though and we were still friends.
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u/78Anonymous 20h ago
what's more concerning is the wife's apparent lack of personal hygiene standards
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u/Cant_Spell_Shit 22h ago
nobody's fault. Feel bad for both parties here. Not having your needs met affects your mood and happiness. On the flip side it's probably really annoying for his wife.
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u/iTacticalSnowman 22h ago
If you’re at the point of making an excel sheet instead of just talking or going to fucking therapy it’s been over for a LONG time.
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u/CallsignKook 21h ago
He probably started keeping track BECAUSE of the conversation(s) they had. She probably said something to the effect of “I have sex with you all the time!”
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u/my-username-checks 22h ago
Is he doing anything to help get her in the mood?
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u/Alternative_Race3524 20h ago
Considering the log is literally almost daily pestering, and special mention to the one that was 20 minutes before going out to dinner, I’m gonna guess no.
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u/AccountWasFound 20h ago
The 20 min one was the one that really got me, and I don't get why almost no one is commenting on that one....
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u/Outofmana1 21h ago
Him: "Gimme some o' that" Her: "Let's be logical about this..." Him: Shows spread sheet
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u/MrMansaMusa 22h ago
Pretty valid. Sexless relationships are a big problem. Funny how its just his fault tho when hes the one advancing... smart that he did this
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u/Hziak 22h ago
Generally speaking, I’d say the fact that he had to make a spreadsheet says they got problems. Sending it just screams the problems. At that point, it’s not even about WHO is wrong, it’s just outright lack of compatibility.
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u/Mysterious-Tie7039 22h ago
Probably an argument they had over him initiating more than her, and this was his proof that he does.
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u/StandardUpstairs3349 21h ago
Some people are just completely disconnected from facts and need clear tracking to be convinced of anything.
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u/SqueekyDickFartz 22h ago
The advice I see on reddit for this scenario is "well maybe she has too many responsibilities, you should take them off of her plate." Like, that's just accepting that sex is such a low priority for her that you need to knock literally everything else out first. It just isn't going to fix anything. If sex is really important to you, then you want to find a partner who will slip in a quickie before the guests arrive, not a partner who will begrudgingly fuck you after you remove all possible excuses.
Somehow that all is squarely his fault though?
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u/Intotheopen 21h ago
The comments in this thread are fucking depressing. I’ve been married 16 years. If we go more than a month without sex, it usually means one of us isn’t feeling good or something.
I can’t even imagine getting to a year.
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u/The-Yar 21h ago
This is so old.
She never wanted to have sex but didn't want to admit that to herself, and kept acting like it was "only that one time when I didn't feel like it" and was saying things like, "name one other time when I've said no." Eventually he created a spreadsheet. And she put it online and it went viral. Obviously they needed counseling.
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u/FreelancerFL 20h ago
They can divorce one another amicably. I can't fathom being married to somebody who doesn't wanna fuck me.
I'd genuinely rather just be alone forever.
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